Kweeny Todd

Monster Mavens: Miss Gory Rae

2012-02-20T15:13:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the lateness readers, but this is a meaty little interview! Sink your teeth in and enjoy! Hopefully it will give you all the Gory nourishment you could ever need. ;)

In honour of WIHM, I have an interview with a very special woman. Those of you who have been following along know I love horror hosts. They are a special breed of horror icon and fan that is sadly a rare commodity these days. They opened a lot of young minds to the genre (I being one of them) by being our guides through the Underworld of horror. Be the films good or bad, the horror host was there to give a special flare to your viewing enjoyment.

Miss Gory Rae keeps that proud tradition alive in her own way. I am thrilled she took the time out to be with me today, so without further rambling I bring you Canada’s Leading Horror Hostess with the mostess!

First off, thank you very much Miss Gory Rae for being here on Kweeny Todd!

Goryious Greetings, Kweeny! May I say that you look ghastly today? Thank you very much for inviting me to share sordid secrets with you...

Well, it helps that I have demon barber possessing my body. He keeps me up you might say...But enough about me, let’s get right down to the meaty details shall we? What made you want to be a horror hostess? What started little Gory on the road to becoming what she is today?

Well! I shall make this as painful as possible...As I explain in the opening of THE GORY HOLE: Unlive, I was a happy harlot of doom, potions and notions...typical Scarlet Woman wanderings along with Mr.Crowley and other shady characters, whom I do love dearly...when, all of a sudden, because I showed 'abominable abilities' (and had the right shade of red hair) I was snatched up by a conglomerate of candid secret societies, and in 1913, was damned to the guillotine. I doth protested...but, it seemed that there were too many minions with a greater grand plan...I was to be re-animated by the very top mad-minded Scientists. Of course...I only awoke to find this all out, and upon waking on that cold slab, I was inducted into ICK (International Creature Klatch) as a Teratologist, To this day...I am a agent, part of many Monster purveyors, bound to keep the precious balance betwixt Humans and, of course...Beings such as you and I.

We are a special breed of creature indeed. (red hair and all!) But I'm curious, what’s the horror community like in Vancouver? Do you find it different than other places?

Well Kweeny..I really did not get to choose to be here, I originally was a high ranking officer in Columbus Ohio, (where I am going to be for the first time back since 'the incident', at HHW 2012) You see? I may be a witch that escaped the burning stake, but I eventually did get burned...by a peer, a jealous peer...a peer that I shall one day get my revenge upon...But, that is neither here nor there. Vancouver is the end of N. America as far as the West. There is a massive amount of abnormal activity, why we have Ogopogo, Our Sea Serpent...Oh! And of course The Sasquatch clans, plus your usual monsters moanin and groanin, biting and fighting...Yes, Meridian does lay here, and it is up to Agents of ICK to maintain the delicate balance.

Is there less of a following for Horror Hosts in Canada or just not enough people up North willing/crazy enough to do it? (Maybe they just aren't as gory as you are...)

Playing 'Hostess' is a secondary job really...It also allows me to enjoy doing what I really love, and that is gab about Horror in general. Being a 'Frightslinger'...(The very old term...) or 'Host' as you put it, allows me to blend in, and never have to explain my actions. I cannot really tell you why they are not any more if us around up here, There was an excellent broadcast that was on about 35+ years ago...which my personal Saint, Vincent Price, hosted, and created by a genuine genius called HILARIOUS HOUSE OF FRIGHTENSTEIN, which is one of The Great White Norths pride when it comes to all things Frightful and OH so Delightful...But? Alas, save for the others that work in the ...whats the word? 'Industry'? They have all chosen a completely different route, an imperative one, of course, which Canada is VERY proud to have, But, as I say...I cannot think of one other, or a valid reason, sadly.

Ah Vincent Price, a top favorite of mine as well. That show was filmed in my home town even! You have good taste Miss Gory! But I digress...would you say it’s hard to be a horror hostess? What sort of qualifications would you say one needs to walk down such a path? What are some of the struggles you've had doing this gig?

Well...Firstly? Since I am, and have been more or less a Live event sort, as opposed to being on cable access and the such, I am currently only able to play my show on the fantastic MONSTER CHANNEL (www.100ymm.com). I am quite proud to say that it is run, maintained, programmed, and kept 'alive', pardon the pun, by Monsters, or other 'Hosts', as you say. If Canada would only allow opportunities like the U.S, I know I would be able to conquer the null factor of being alone in this. But fortunately...little by little Canadian haunters and their kin are shivering up to the idea, and as I said, since I do prefer, and always have for the last 2 decades, preferred performing live, (Google 'ME' for links to the myriad of many clips live.) I never fear struggling, as I always say "What doesn't kill you, makes you a monster."

Great quote! Reminds me of Aeon Fluxx actually, "What doesn't kill you makes you stranger." I bet you've met some interesting people in your travels. Who would you say are some of your favourite people you’ve met at conventions? Also would you say the fandom of horror is the reason you do what you do? Why is it so important to you? (Have a double whammy Miss Gory!)

Of COURSE! Some of the best 'beings a gal could ever...er...wait. Hmmmmmmm...You said "people". Well, I suppose that is what humans are called. I prefer the term "Beings", as "people" is far too common for the Fright freaks, and all around most impeccable creatures I could ever have hope to have met, known, etc. I am not one for dropping names...But there are pulenty of pics in some of my convention albums that will give you a hint or two.*winks* No! Fandom is the last reason I do what I do! I simply feel and always have, that the 'atypical' monsters, or any semblance of sympathizers are imperative on this planet. Can you imagine a world without 'wonders'? Freaks? or as some would even go as far to say, abnormalities? If we did not have the very idea of Dark and Light, where would humans begin to define the way of opposites? I see beings such as myself as a medium. Sure, we may appear a tad dark, but you really couldn't find a better base of beasts to know. Think of Frankensteins Creation. He was so horribly misunderstood. However it is because of these famous examples that I think we are more accepted, even revered by some fanatics. I dare say I NEVER thought I would see Humans glorifying Zombies (Oh they are a troublesome lot...Trust me..one of my jobs is to side 'em up until they are happily docile, ergo...harmless to the Humans...)

Now you know why I like you so much. I feel the same way about the "monsters" of this world. You are quite the monster lady Miss Gory. Speaking of, how hard has it been for you as a woman working within the genre. Do people take you seriously?

I do hope so! I know I do...But generally, Yes...the ones that matter to me do, and really? That is a pretty universal way I would think anything would and could want.

Okay here's a bloody question for you: What is the worst movie you've ever seen?

Oh! Now that is just asking me to be mean...Besides, as I said...I so not drop names, or name any piece of work that deserves to be blatantly blamed for being bad...However, IF I must choose one...*thinks* I think anything with Jenifer Aniston doing the rom com thing shouldn't be available to view. (Gives the wrong message...) hehehehehe.

If you could give advice to someone reading this right now, who’s thinking, “I wish I could do that.” What would you say? How would you inspire them to fight for their dreams? (Feel free to Pimp your stuff too. Give us a place to find the Gory Details!)

I would say anything in your state or time of living is worth fighting for...as you never know when you may be snapped up, have your head lopped off, re-attached, and then sent out by a secret society to help keep the spirit alive, so to speak.

Listen to your gut.

Don't just wake up one day and say to yourself "Gee, I think I am going to change my identity, beliefs, family, fiends, run off to NOT TOPIC and spend that evil green paper on becoming something you are not...Because the ONLY being you are going to end up hurting is yourself...

There is a place for every soul, whether it be Monster or Maker, Doctor, or Baker...Candlestick maker...EVERYONE has a job that only their heart can decide.

This? Was just MY destiny...I cannot tell people to fake it...(although trust me, as you know many do...But really? How happy can you be if you have to fake everything...besides, you will get caught...and that would suck...I reckon.)

Be true to thyself.

(I am sorry I combined some questions...but I felt I answered them in other answers...PLEASE let me know if you aren't too happy with that!)

As for anything else to pimp...I ask that you only choose pics of me in character...But you have my permission to pic which ones you like..I personal like the ones up on my page now...

I am also, as I said, a guest at this years Horror Hound WKND in Columbus Ohio, along with the rest of the other hosts, and I tend to do CRYPTICON in Seattle if I can...I am also in a year long contest to become Spokes-model for Scares That Care..(I will put up my banner) to vote for me, it costs a dollar, but it is that which is why I did it, as no matter what? It helps sick kids, and raises breast cancer awareness)

All of my links, and so forth are in my profile, or Fanpage: https://www.facebook.com/MissGory.THE.GORY.HOLE.Unlive

Scares That Care: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Scares-That-Care/195299815529

Thank you for having & hearing me Kweeny, you are definitely well on your way to being a true pest to the very best!! I kid, of course...THAT is how I compliment competent creeps...
It has been a bloomin blast...Please, DO Creepin touch!

And thank you Miss Gory! I had a delightful time! Continue to spread the gore far and wide! Canada needs more gore!

Late With My Monster Mavens

2012-02-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted anything today, and I do plan to make a Monster Maven's post. But due to unexpected circumstances the interview I am waiting on is going to be late. I'm sorry gang. But I will post it very soon. It should be worth the wait when it arrives. *smirk*

xoxox

~Kweeny

Monster Mavens: Women Who Deserve Valentine's

2012-02-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

For today's Monster Maven's post I thought I'd do something a little different. Since Valentine's day is fast approaching, I thought I'd write an article based on the premise of women I want to be my girlfriends in horror films. Girls I'd date in a heart beat. I don't really celebrate this holiday in any traditional sense, as I believe you should show those you love how much you love them everyday of the year. Rotting teeth with sap is not my style, unless you like your sap covered in spikes. But what the hell, I'm feeling shmoopy. My hubby has been so nice to me lately when I hurt my neck (and I hurt it pretty bad...) and I am doped up, so I am feeling loving. FEEEEL THE KWEENY LOVE JUICE!

Here is a list of my top 5 favourite babes of horrorland. Women who kick so much ass that if I ever met them, I'd probably be so intimated by their raw awesome I'd gibber incoherently in their presence. Some ladies just have the full package. Maybe if I send them Valentine's day love they won't eat my heart like over-priced crappy chocolate. Maybe.

#5: RIPLEY

Ripley is from the Alien franchise, which is one of the coolest sci-fi horror movie franchises I have ever encountered. I'm not a huge sci-fi buff, so I am very picky about what I watch. But this woman, played by Sigourney Weaver, is awesome. She has sex appeal, is strong, independent, and willing to stand up for what she believes in. She has a mothering instinct that isn't over done when she takes little Newt under her wing. She also turns into one creepy, scary bitch when she is cloned with the alien blood in her veins....

She can snuggle me anytime.

#4 LUZ (aka: Shé)

Let me start by saying I love Michelle Rodriguez. I don't think she gets enough screen time. She's been in several films, but I think if I have to choose one film I love her best in, I'd have to say it's Machete. While Machete is more exploitation film than horror, it's gory enough that I'm gonna add it to my list. Michelle's portrayal of the ass-kicking Luz only gets more awesome as the film progresses. Once she gets that eye patch rocking, she's unstoppable. You can wound the girl, but she will just keep coming, and with a bigger gun!

DAYUM.

#3 LAURIE STRODE

In case you don't know this, Halloween was the first taste of horror I ever had. Laurie is played by Jamie Lee Curtis, who went on to do more Halloween films and other awesome horror stuff. But her portrayal of Laurie has always stayed with me. She is the ying to Mike Myers yang. She grows stronger with every encounter, and that strength is inspiring. She also aged well. If only we all could age so gracefully.

Girl, you make grey look GOOD.

#2 JULIE WALKER

The Return of the Living Dead series had some awesome women in it. My favourite in particular is Julie from #3. Julie is bitten and turns into a zombie as a movie progresses, but to fight loosing her humanity she does some...modifications. To me they only made her look more amazing. Because the pain kept her human, she had little choice in the matter. But she sure knew how to place the mods!

I'd ask her to dance but I might get some of those sharp bits caught on my tender flesh.

#1 DREN

Dren is this unique little human-hybrid creature from the movie Splice. She starts off as this adorable critter, with bizarre features that draw the audience in. Our curiously about what she is only matches her curiosity about the world. She quickly grows up though. She goes from this...

into this...her male form:

AWESOME.

Dren is a spectaluar creature to me, not just for her gender switching abilities. She has a delicate side to her, as well as the vicious animal side. I love the questions Dren leaves me with, as well as how I can't take my eyes off her when she's on screen.

There is nothing more attractive than someone who challenges you.

So ladies, will you be my bloody Valentine? My husband won't mind. Just try to not get too many teeth marks on my heart. It regenerates slowly these days.

Needful Things: Kweeny's New Toy!

2012-02-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

So I got a late Christmas gift yesterday that has become my new favourite shinny! I thought I'd show it off for you guys, since I'm all stupid happy about it:

Meet my new baby Jub Jub! Jub Jub is a Nook Tablet, and can do all sorts of kick ass shit, like read books, play games, surf the net, and watch TV!

It's like having a little mini computer! The screen actually has an amazing picture display, but I have been touching it a lot with my meaty fingers. I'm just smearing my scent on it so people know it's mine! Also, the camera doesn't seem to want to focus on the screen. Oh well.

Yeah, my first downloads on the thing were not books. Nope. I bought ANGRY BIRDS first. Why? Because I love that stupid game. It gives me something to trash-talk when I am on the bus or hanging out at a friends. "Stupid pigs! Why won't you die? ARGH!!!!" I plan to purchase some books real soon for it, and already installed books I had lying around on my laptop.

As you can see, me and Jub Jub are getting along fine. And it tastes kinda bland, but I didn't buy it for it's flavor. I bought it so I could have something compact I could travel with that does most of what my laptop does. The only thing I wouldn't do on it is play my Steam games and write. That's what Dark Phoenix is for.

---

NOTE: I name my electronics. Hell, I pretty much name everything. Jub Jub was the first name that came to me when I saw my Nook. And Dark Phoenix is a crotchety old computer who could live through a nuke going off. She's not pretty by any means, but she's tough for her age. Hence why I have Jub Jub now. So she can have a break once in a while and let the youngen take over. :)

Monster Mavens: Ginger (Snaps)

2012-02-05T00:30:00.000-08:00

For those just tuning in, I am going to be blogging every Sunday in February for the Women in Horror Month. So I am reviving my Monster Mavens section I neglected during the holiday season. Every Sunday check out posts on everything from woman portraying powerful female monsters/characters, to interviewing women in the horror genre.

Personally, I made my Monster Mavens section for this reason: To discuss the women that impact horror. And while I do a few interviews and showcases of several talented women in the genre, I also alternate with showcases of monstrous women icons. I’m not one to cheer on the victims in horror, and most times women are portrayed as victims. Nor do I care about the heroines. I’m all about the villains, the monsters, the misunderstood outcasts. They are my people. Always have been, always will be. I think this falls in line with the mission of WIHM. I am empowered by monsters, and woman who portray the darkness in the human heart. I think they are underrated. My goal is to bring more of a spotlight on them.

I thought we'd start things off with a post about one of my favourite Monster Mavens. The lovely and brutal Ginger from the movie Ginger Snaps.

She is to me, the best example of the darkness that can lurk in a woman's heart. Some girls don't fit into society's version of what it means to be a girl. They are too wild. Too primal. Too sexual. Too much of everything. Their very existence mocks the stereotypes of what it means to be female. Ginger is this and more, because the "curse" she is inflicted with is one born deeper than just her "moontime".

I love werewolves. By now you readers have probably realized this. I dig all monsters, but out of all of them I relate to the werewolf. I see my dark side as a kind of werewolf beast, a creature that if I let it loose would devour everything and anything in sight. Some people have more elegant darkness. A darkness that can masquerade better in human flesh, and they have a charm all their own for sure. But I know what I am, and so I embrace the inner werebeast within. Which is why I enjoy the cathartic release I get when I watch Ginger change. Plus, female werewolves tend to be more aggressive than the males. Watching Ginger transform is exhilarating, frightening, and torturous. A dark mirror of the horrors of puberty.

"It feels so... good, Brigitte. It's like touching yourself. You know every move... right on the fucking dot. And after, you see fucking fireworks. Supernovas. I'm a goddamn force of nature. I feel like I could do just about anything."

Her transformation is very moving for me throughout the film. She starts off as a freaky, disturbed teenager, which I was once in my youth. You see her and her sister Brigitte take amazing photos of faked deaths they did for a school project, and you get glimpses of their twisted relationship. Things change once Ginger gets her first period, but the same day she gets her period, she is attacked by a werewolf. So instead of cramps and bloating, she gets "strange hairs" and a hunger to tear living things to pieces.

Katherine Isabelle is an amazing actress. She's beautiful, and has an exotic quality that makes her prefect for a lady werewolf. She plays Ginger with all the intensity of a backdraft, and never lets up. If anything, as things progress and the wolf takes over, Ginger becomes a frightening, sexual creature that is more predator than human. The rage she has just boiling on the surface when she was human explodes out of her in violent, gory torrents. The ending is tragic for her, because as with most werewolf tales, the beast does too much damage and must be put down.

The thing that really moves me about this film is that the werewolf is used as an expression of the repressed wild within women. Ginger is just another monster born from it. She isn't willing to hide her primal side, especially after the change, and it becomes such a destructive force it ruins her. Was there really any other outcome for her once she became fully a wolf? Not likely. But the film isn't about answering such questions. The film, and Ginger herself, are there to make you think about the questions. To make you wonder.

Ginger Snaps is the first of three movies. It's my favourite of the trilogy, but the second movie isn't bad either. Brigitte's struggle with the wolf curse is also very intoxicating. But the third movie is the weaker of the series. Do check them out though. They are good Canadian cinema.

Kweeny and the WIHM

2012-02-02T15:35:00.000-08:00

Hey gang! I am very excited to announce that I have been approved as an official "event" for the Women in Horror Month! Okay not exactly ME, but my blog column "Monster Mavens" is the event in question. I plan to be updating it every Sunday during February! Huzzah!

I am mighty happy and proud to be a part of this event. So stay tuned for Monster Maven love all this month.

Genre Talk: Posters That Lie

2012-02-01T04:25:00.000-08:00

*Removes a hook from her face* So I'm just hanging around here, on my Hell cruise, and while Pinhead was rearranging my face, I thought to myself, "You know, it would be nice if the horror movies we watch were as cool as some of the posters out there. Some posters are really bitchen! I go see the movie though, and it's complete crapola!"

These thoughts gave me an idea. So when the cenobites went on their coffee break I took the time to share my thoughts with you and post them here. I'm just that kind of person.

Here is a list I complied of some of the posters I have ever been suckered by. Posters that lead me to believe in monsters, only to find the worst pieces of garbage ever liposuctioned out of film. I'm sure this wont effect the world any, and horror movies will continue to produce crap clothed in Armani posters, but it will make me feel better to rant about it. And to hopefully start some bitch fests with my favourite horror peeps, you readers.

Let's start with this little shit nugget. Check out that sleek, sexy cover. The name even sounds great right? Skin Walkers. Sounds bad ass. And it should be bad ass. It's about werewolves. Werewolves are bad ass! But this movie falls flat. It's not nearly as impressive as this poster. It's a rambling mess of half baked werewolf lore. Which makes a Wolf-lover like me cry. One single, manly tear.

And here we have exhibit #2. The Happening had NOTHING happening. The poster looks great though doesn't it? Like some crazy Apocalypse shit going on. It even starts off kinda interesting, but then it gets stupid real fast. Once you find out what the big bad is, you loose all faith in the movie. Trust me.

Here we have The Unborn, which had so much potential but failed miserably. Look at this AWESOME poster though right? The movie is FULL of scenes that almost rock, but then the wooden acting, the lazy story telling just gets to you. And this has Gary Oldman! Even HE couldn't save this film.

This creepy looking kid has eyes that scream tortured soul. Don't you agree? Too bad Insidious is insidiously crappy. It starts off pretty cool too. Creepy haunted house stuff, very good pacing. Then it's like some other writer took the script and changed the whole story. Next thing you know, there's a stupid Darth Maul ghost-demon, and they have to battle it in the other world. Ugh. Ridiculous. But the poster is creepy and moody.

Another masked killer, but he has a bitchen mask right? And his weapon looks nasty. Cromeskull is not a franchise of deep introspection, and the poster doesn't try to convince otherwise. But it does make the masked killer look really fucking cool. And in fact, he's lame. There is nothing interesting about him. He's a flat character, and this second installment doesn't give much in the way of reason or explanation. But hell, there is gore and lots of it.

This is a remake of an Asian horror, and like most American remakes of Asian horror, they suck. HUGE BALLS. One Missed Call is yet again another watered down interpretation of something much more fucking scary through the eyes of those who made it originally. But damn, look at this poster? Creepy fucking shit.

And those are just a few of my choices. Damn the posters and their awesome advertising power! I'm a sucker for a good poster. What are some posters you've been suckered by? Let's share the misery, before Pinhead gets back and uses my head as a pinata.

Mad Jester Reviews...

2012-01-27T14:53:00.000-08:00

HOSTEL 3

Hello again, gentle readers! It's your old, odd pal, Mad Jester! I'll be filling in for Kweeny, as she's off on an all-expenses paid cruise of Hell, courtesy of Cenobite Travel Inc. She has such sights to see (and it's bloody hard to type while dangling from hooks and chains), so I figured I'd step up to the proverbial plate- and that means it's time for another Mad Jester movie review! Are you excited? Tough titty, I'm doing it anyway...

This time, we're going to go in a far less intellectual direction than some of my previous film choices- by no means plot-free, but certainly not as cerebral as, say, Dead Girl or Funny Games. No indeed, this time we're diving into one of the more gory-for-its-own-sake entries in the genre. So strap on your crash helmets, grab your gore-mops and prepare yourself for my take on the third installment of a well-known and much-maligned franchise, Hostel: Part III!

Our story begins as our protagonist (and survivor-dude) Carter is whisked away by his friends Douchey Scott, Justin with the Gimpy Leg, and Racist Mike (nicknames provided by Yours Truly) to fabulous Las Vegas for an epic, weekend-long bachelor party before he marries college sweetheart Amy. A party during which they meet Kendra and Nikki, two working girls (if ya know what I mean). Racist Mike hooks up with Nikki, while Carter the Boy Scout decides to politely decline Kendra's prepaid advances. Carter (predictably) has too much to drink, passes out, and wakes up... in his own hotel room, courtesy of a misleadingly-sinister-looking cabbie. However, Carter and Scott soon realize that Racist Mike never got in last night, and after a bit of investigation learn that Nikki didn't either. Carter, Justin, Scott and Kendra resolve to go find them, at which point it begins being a Hostel movie for real-real.

This movie brings a few new twists to the Hostel table, such as expanding on the services offered by the Elite Hunting Club- in addition to being able to pay to kill a human being, other wealthy members can pay to watch the proceedings and bet on any aspect thereof- which implement will be used, how long it takes the victim to die, what precise words will be used when the victim begs for his/her life, et cetera. Apart from that, it doesn't stray too far from its gorny roots, although it does deliver a few plot twists that make it- in my opinion- better than its immediate predecessor. The acting is adequate at best, however- Douchey Scott and Racist Mike in particular are played a bit hamfistedly, presumably in an attempt to kill any potential pathos. (It works, so mission accomplished, I suppose.) A couple of the kills are less impressive than some logged by the franchise, and subsequently seem somewhat lackluster in comparison, but are still sufficiently cringe-worthy to bring the squick. A word of warning to entomophobes- you may not want to watch Nikki's death. I know I could've done without seeing that- but then, horror movies are supposed to make one uncomfortable, so again, job well done.

There are no major lessons to be gleaned from this film (except, perhaps, "when in Vegas, avoid off-the-strip clubs"), there's no real moral relativity or dissonance, and it doesn't leave the viewer with anything to ponder; that said, it's engaging, at least, and entertaining to those who enjoy a bit of torture-porn now and again.

Would I recommend Hostel: Part III? Depends who's asking. Horror-dilettantes should probably give it a wide berth, as it definitely doesn't make a case for the 'not all horror is torture-porn' argument, and likely hasn't got enough plot to keep one interested. However, if you've got a real taste for the red red kroovy, and/or are already a fan of the first two Hostel outings (as does/is your humble reviewer), you'll probably get some mileage out of this one. At the very least, all the right people are made to achieve room temperature.

We Won 2nd place!

2012-01-20T21:46:00.000-08:00

We won second place in the Victory Records RBN Contest! All I have to say is...

FLAWLESS VICTORY!

This is the highlight of my week for sure. *Super-happy-monster-smile-face!*

Submitted For The Approval Of The Midnight Society...

2012-01-19T21:36:00.000-08:00

Here it is folks, the as promised Rockband music video my friends and I made for the...

Our song of choice: OTEP - SMASH THE CONTROL MACHINE:

OTEP is one of my top favourite artists ever. Her music is powerful, visceral, and searing. Her music is like walking into a burning building and letting the fire burn the layers away to reveal the real you.

We had a great time filming this, and my buddy gCrusher only had a short time to make this. He spent a week on it filming, editing and did most of the work. I just screamed like a Fury and rocked out. Dorktastic!

Even if we don't win, we had fun, and honored an amazing singer. What could be better than that?

*kicks screen* SMASH THE CONTROL MACHINE!

I love you OTEP. You've done more for me than you'll ever know.

This Blackout Was Brought To You By...

2012-01-18T13:34:00.000-08:00

https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/

http://sopastrike.com/strike

http://vimeo.com/35193889

Kweeny Got Tagged!

2012-01-17T16:41:00.000-08:00

When the zombie apocalypse comes, we better all learn to run fast, or we are all gonna be it. Braaaaiiiinnnnnzzzz....Anywhoooo, so I got tagged, and in the spirit of the game I shall spread this like the T-virus!

The Rules:

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 3 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you have tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about "you are tagged if you are reading this." Blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 3 people!

11 random things! Don't you freaks already know too much about me? *sigh* If I divulge all my secrets then what will I have to ramble about when it's a slow day? Okay, here's more useless facts about moi:

1. I identify as Genderqueer. Have been this way all my life, even before I knew there was a word for it. Always have been more manly than girly, more womanly than macho. I'm somewhere in the middle of the gender rainbow, and I am okay with this. Sometimes I like to be feminine. Sometimes I am butch. Sometimes I am a guy trapped in a woman's body. I gives me an interesting outlook on the world.

2. If I was a supernatural I'd probably be a werewolf.

3. I love books. Like A LOT. I have several shelves of books. And I prefer physical books over ebooks, but I won't ever turn down an ebook. No book is banished from my realm. I want more books...

4. My top shelf in the red bookcase is filled with signed books. All of them. And I got some favs in there like Clive Barker and Neil Gaiman.

5. I have worn glasses since before I can remember. I believe I got them roughly around 2-5 years old. I was REALLY young when I got my first pair. My eye sight has been horrible my whole life.

6. Some of my favourite smells are lavender, roses, chocolate, dead leaves and the sea.

7. My favourite foods are steak, sushi, chocolate and my husband.

8. One of my favourite nicknames was "Queens" in college. Though now I have a friend who calls me his "Liege" and I really like that too.

9. Is one hell of a Karaoke singer. I studied music in high school and was planning to be an opera singer, until I had my dream dashed by some rich, snobby brats at the Conservatory of music in Toronto. Just because I couldn't play 12 instruments like them! I gave up music for a long time, but I can still sing okay. Being a non-smoker sure helps save the voice.

10. I am such a fan of this site: http://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/! It rekindles an old dream I had of being a Mortician. I just don't know if I could take all the schooling, and I'd rather hang with the dead than talk to the living.

11. I just finished a Rockband music video this weekend for one of my favourite bands ever: OTEP. We did Smash the Control Machine for a Rockband contest, and my friend is in the process of editing it now. Once it's ready for viewing, I'll show you guys for sure. Here's a pic from the shoot:

And now for Annie Walls questions!

1. What is the hardest thing you've ever had to do?

Hmmm, that is a hard one. I think the hardest thing would be going to the funeral of my mother. She had committed suicide when I was 21. There was a lot of drama around her death and funeral. It's not something one gets over easy, and I can tell you that I still remember how she smelt in that casket. They had done a poor job embalming her and I am forever scarred by how bloated she looked, how bad her make up was, and how she had this sickly sweet aroma about her. There have been some severely traumatic times in my life, but this one is definitely the hardest of them all.

2. What song always makes you happy when you hear it?

This one:

I dunno why it makes me happy lately. It just does.

3. What are three things you cannot live without?

Love (Yes, I am a sap. STFU noob!), chocolate and my spirituality. And if those don't work, swords. Because swords never need reloading.

*strokes chin while plotting* Now I gotta come up with some questions to torment my three ~~victims~~ I mean, blog friends with! I choose:

http://autumnforestghosthunter.blogspot.com/

http://www.itsonrandom.com

http://littlegothichorrors.blogspot.com/

To answer me these questions three:

1. What is the worst dream you ever had?

2. If you could be a victim in any horror film, which one would it be and why?

3. What is your favorite food and/or drink?

*dusts hands off* There all done! And now back to your regularly scheduled procrastination!

Wicked Weapons: The Krueger Claw

2012-01-12T00:25:00.000-08:00

I know I've been scarce with my posting lately. Sorry gang, but life has been really rough in the gory kingdom. I'm gonna try and get back into the swing of things, and I thought I'd do that by catching up with some of my other columns I left hanging while doing my Creepmas stuff.

And since I recently just watched an amazing 4 hour documentary on Freddy Krueger called, Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy I said to myself, "Kweeny, you gotta do the Freddy Claw for Wicked Weapons! And you really need to stop talking to yourself out loud. It makes your housemates worry."

(And in case you are wondering, here's a quick and dirty review: YES IT IS AWESOME! It goes through the entire series, including Freddy vs Jason but not counting the remake because the documentary came out before the remake. THANK THE MAKER! The remake is TERRIBLE. And I just ate some McDonald's fries and would like to keep them down, so I'm gonna move on and not think of that remake anymore if that's okay...)

*clears throat* What better tribute than to talk about the weapon that is as famous as the killer who wears it? I can't think of a reason not to add to the list of Wicked Weapons the Freddy Krueger Claw. If the Chainsaw is the rockstar of the horror weapons world, the Claw Freddy Krueger wears is a movie star. Two different, but equally awesome things. And when I say movie star, I mean it's a big time star. The Brad Pitt of weapons! It's the most recognizable weapon in horror history. It's flashy and has loads of style. When you see it, you know what it is, who it belongs to, and that you're in for a ride. You know the signature of this weapon is going to be gruesome, bloody, and leave a trail of slashes in it's wake.

The Claw itself is iconic, and carries it's own story. Like Sweeney Todd's razor, there is an intimacy with Freddy's Claw. Sure, other movies use weapons in the same vain, but Freddy's Claw is different. It's not as generic for one thing. Freddy's Claw is homemade, which gives it that rustic, slapped-together look. Someone took the time to create it's sharp blades, and set them into the frame of the glove. It also has a feral quality reminiscent of animal claws. Ever see a bears paw? Those claws can swipe the troll face off of any man!

So to put it simply Freddy's Claw is animalistic, intimate, brutal and personal all in one.

There is also the otherworldly component. Freddy is a supernatural creature. While he's not the first supernatural killer in the biz, he sure is a king of the nightmare realm. Freddy, and his Claw, live on beyond the realm of flesh. The Claw is made to be nightmare fuel. Freddy made it while he was alive to stalk and kill his prey, but it carried over with him once he died. The thing that makes Freddy so frightening is that he is a character that pushes those boundaries. Unlike some of the stalkers of other slasher films, Freddy reaches into the personal terror of our dreams with those rusty, dagger fingertips. He grabs a hold of more than just our lives, and toys with our subconscious. Freddy's Claw is an extension of his twisted will, carving it's mark on us until all that is left is a puddle of bloody chunks.

Sometimes, the last thing a person sees is the claw.

There is also another component to the Freddy Claw that makes it special and adds to the mental manipulation Freddy is fond of using: The sound it makes. You can hear him play with it on metal pipes before he comes for you, or hear it scratch down a wall like a calk board. Freddy loves to make you twitch before he kills you. He feeds on fear. So if he can draw out your suffering, he will. The claw helps him do that. More often than not you'll hear it before you see it, accompanied by a wicked laugh from the man himself.

Usually at this point I show you different films and series that showcase the weapon in question, but since this is a weapon unique to one series, I thought I'd show you in pictures the difference between the different versions of the Freddy Claw, so we can have a lively debate! Sound fun? AWESOME! Then we can all bitch that Robert Englund is the best Krueger and the remake is a shit sandwich with stinky cheese that smells like my husbands feet! YAY!

Here we got the regular "old school" Freddy Claw, which held up through most of the series in this style and shape:

Then we got an extra crispy version in Wes Craven's New Nightmare (which I'd like to add, I really liked. The movie had interesting layers and depth to it.):

Then we got the DC version. But he has the double claws in the game and he's the NEW Freddy from the crappy remake! (To make up for how bad the film was right? Two claws will make it better right DC?):

And then we got Wolverine! They could be cousins right?

Okay so maybe not...moving on...

So what's your favourite Claw? I'm old school all the way, though I do think a close second is the organic-looking claw. There's just something neat about the bone look. But double claws is stupid. Only Wolverine pulls off the two claws.

And in closing, I'd like to say, watching Freddy VS Jason was and still is one of the most awesome things I have ever experienced.

Who won? We did my friends. We the fans did.

Kweeny Reviews...

2012-01-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

Why are bad movies so awesome? Why do some of us flock to them in droves like crack addicts looking for our fix? I think it's because we, the fans of terrible films, see the genuine love the people in these films put out despite the complete failures these movies are. And we can laugh, and love the films for it.

I just finished watching a documentary called Best Worst Movie, and now I wanna get my hands on a copy of Troll 2. If a movie that bad can make people love it that much, there has to be something special about it. This documentary though is about the people who love the film and who made the film. Some of the scenes are really touching. Like how the cast, most of which never made movies before and half of which never made another film, get a surprise when they realize their crappy, independently-made film has become a cult success. One day when they are all older and have moved on in their lives, they catch on to the fact their terrible film is being shown all over the world! Think the Rocky Horror phenomenon but with a more horrible movie! No sweet transvestites here! No Tim Curry in fishnets! (even though I love any chance to see Tim Curry in fishnets...)

I had a lot of fun watching this, and now I want to subject Mad Jester to an "Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes!" night of Troll 2! Yeah if you are reading this Jester, this is gonna beat out your Hard Rock Zombies! *cackles madly*

Anyhow, it's a fascinating documentary with a lot of heart. It shows the love horror fans, and bad movie fans have for what they love. That we are a special breed of fandom. For me personally, anything horror floats my boat. Sometimes I want a prime rib steak. Sometimes though, I want the crappiest junk food out there. Bad horror is my junk food. And there is something beautiful about that first bite of a chocolate bar when you've had a shitty day.

Kweeny Loves Ya!

2012-01-01T00:02:00.000-08:00

Just wanting to pop in and wish all my readers a happy New Year! 2011 kicked a lot of people's asses, but next year is bound to be better. It has to be, I demand it! Lots of good things to look forward to, like this little gem that gave me a big fat girl boner:

Have a good time guys, and I'll be back with more of my madness in the new year. Thank you readers for sticking by me so far, and for all your awesome comments and support. I'm so glad my little blog has brought entertainment and joy to folks. We horror geeks gotta stick together.

See you all next year!

This Episode of Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes...

2011-12-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

Is brought to you by the holiday season! It's time for another wacky joint review with Kweeny and Mad Jester, whether you care or not...

And of course, the warning: May contain spoilers, blah blah blah. Santa's Slay is coming to town! My new favourite holiday treat!

Kweeny Todd: sings It's the most horrible time of the year!

Mad Jester: Well, I've got my festive red-and-green straight jacket on...

KT: Oh just look at you! Decking the padded halls with balls of...holly?

MJ: Something green and fragrant, anyway. Let's leave it at that.

KT: snickers...That's right readers! It's that time again, for Mad Jester and Kweeny Todd's review of terrible movies! Maybe we should give this segment a name...

MJ: How about "Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes"? We end up saying that a fair bit.

KT: cackles I love it. Let it be known hence forth as the "Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes" segment! A new tradition on Kweeny Todd! *breaks a bottle of champagne over Mad Jester's head to christen the column*

MJ: It ain't a party 'til there's an open head wound, I always say!

KT: Damn right! picks glass from MJ's head If this is your first time joining us for this madness, the deal is this: Mad Jester and I find some crazy cheesy shlock and give our "opinions" on what we subjected on ourselves for your reading enjoyment. This time, I told Jester we should watch Santa's Slay. So this madness is totally all my fault.

MJ: Ahh, Santa's Slay. While it's certainly B-movie fare, it's not as bad as some other holiday offerings. Which just means you're gonna have to try harder if you want to get me back for Hard Rock Zombies. Sticks out tongue at Kweeny

KT: Indeed. But for now you get off easy, while I plan for my next assault on your senses. I can at least be proud that all my talk of Nude for Satan made you go out and watch it. HA!

MJ: winces Oh yeah. I think I'd mercifully blocked out that celluloid hate-crime. But that's not the assault we're here to discuss- we're here to talk about Bill Goldberg setting Fran Drescher's head on fire and drowning her in eggnog.

KT: YES! The opening of Santa's Slay was hilarious! Totally set the tone for the rest of the movie. I love a movie that knows what it wants to be for the audience.

MJ: Absolutely. From the moment we see His Right Jollyness, we know we're in for a collection of hilarious kills and groan-worthy puns. The film holds no illusions and gives no fucks.

KT: Exactly. And I loved it for it. It doesn't pull punches, doesn't try to be a good movie. It just has a "hell" of a good time decking the halls with flaming Santa breath!

MJ: Hee hee, the fire breath! The evil atavistic goblin-creature in my head fell in love with the image of Santa Claus burning down a strip club. It did... strange things to the cold gray chunk of granite I have for a heart.

KT: Oh man, that scene was priceless. When Nordic-Demon-Santa walks into the strip club and says, "Ho ho hoes!" grabs a stripper and kisses her, I laughed my face off! I also loved that part where he wipes down the stripper pole she was dancing on and then uses it to kill some guy! Total WINSAUCE.

MJ: laughs Oh yes! "I'll gladly shovel reindeer shit, but I'm not touching that cooch-slide until it's been sanitized!"

KT: So funny! But I have to say, my favourite parts were the tellings of the "True Story of Santa." The ridiculous factor lit up outer space like a glowing helldeer nose! Yes folks, I said helldeer...even though it was totally a yak or something...

MJ: Ahh, the Book of Klaus. And lo, the archangel challenged Santa to a game of curling, and verily didst the Son of the Beast go down like the 2008 Maple Leafs. And yeah, the Helldeer looked like a spraypainted buffalo to me.

KT: The Book of Klaus...What do you expect from a movie half funded by Alberta? That's right this movie is Canadian! And Canadians can't celebrate Christmas without curling!
And that whole part about Santa being born from Satan and the virgin Erika...wtf was that?

MJ: laughs Satan knows who all the party-girls are! He doesn't need to mack on some girl who doesn't know any better!

KT: chuckles True enough! The whole Book of Klaus just proves my point that Santa is evil. And somehow Norse...did you see his Sleigh?

MJ: Yeah, looks like a longboat on skids. AND he's got a big ol' hammer, too- appropriate, since Goldberg as Santa kinda looks like a middle-aged, leather-daddy Thor. grin

KT: I KNOW! And to be honest, I friggen loved it. His Santa costume was the most burly Santa outfit I've seen in a while. The whole Norse look was awesome even if it didn't make much sense.

MJ: Agreed. It is a pretty good look for him- muy macho. If the Santa at the mall looked like that when I was three, I never would have cussed him out the way I did.

KT: I loved his voice too, all growly, like he was choking down a candy cane or something. Maybe it was all the Christmas Cheer he was forced to endure for years thanks to the bet.

MJ: Centuries upon centuries of choking back "FUCK you, and FUCK your Betsy Wetsy doll!"

KT: And all the crappy letters kids sent him..."Please send me a mini bake oven!" Seriously, the Archangel's grand kid Nicholas was a tool. A CUTE GIRL LIKES YOU DOOD! TOTALLY TAP THAT!

MJ: What a weenie! Not for wanting a Mini Bake- sometimes you just want a tiny, mediocre cake. But yeah- spends the whole movie whining and being clumsily sarcastic, and ducking every single signal that Mary throws him. "Jeez, Mary, I'd like to make out with you, but I'm still being (w)angsty about my job, or your gun-nut dad, or something. It's not really clear."

KT: She even tells him off at one point, "Do I have to initiate everything in this relationship?"

MJ: Bloody knobstick wouldn't even put his hands on her boobs to help her squeeze through a window to escape Santa, until she forced him to! You kinda want Santa to catch him, shake him by the neck and say "SHE WANTS YOU, DIPSHIT!"

KT: Word! Most useless character in the whole film.
So I got a question for you...what's your favourite quote of the whole movie? Mine is, "Why I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide FEAR!" Santa has the most hilarious lines!

MJ: As is only proper, when your villain is the most likeable character in your movie.
I have to say, my favourite line is when Santa's about to run over Nicholas and Mary with a Zamboni, and Nicholas shines a flashlight in Santa's eyes- Santa responds with "I'm Santa Claus, not fucking Dracula!"

KT: HAHAHA! That one was priceless! I agree, Santa is the most likeable character. He's a snappy dresser, hilariously evil, and doesn't give a fuck about anything but killing stupid people! It warmed the very dankest parts of my heart, and for a moment, I felt less grinchy about all the festive crap we are forced to endure during the holidays.

MJ: And in the end, isn't that the greatest gift of all? Apart from a solid-gold SeaDoo, that is.

KT: It is. It really, really is. I think we beat this dead helldeer to a pulp. Let's break out the festive booze! Don't forget to leave some spiked Egg Nog for Satan Claws!

MJ: Hey, if he's willing to not rip my head off while I'm sleeping, he's welcome to it. After this outing, I'm not fucking with the fat man.

KT: Heh, that's probably wise my friend. Thanks for helping me review this film, and thanks to my readers for continuing to encourage our madness! Stay tuned for future reviews from us. After all, someone has to endure these films so you don't have to! Happy Yule!

MJ: Seasoned Greenthings!

MERRY CREEPMAS!

2011-12-13T02:12:00.000-08:00

Well it has been fun folks! Doing the 13 Days of Creepmas was really good for me this year, and it helped keep my spirits creepy and fun. I picked up some new readers along the way, and had some old ones come by and check out what weird crap I was up to. Thanks for joining me on this ride readers! I'd also like to thank the mighty Krampus for stopping by and sharing in my madness. He helped get me in the spirit by harassing my friends when they came over to visit:

Krampus totally creeped out my friend Lacey. I, I mean *cough* Krampus needed walkies at one point because I was bored...

I wish you all a happy holiday. Here I even stole you some cookies off of Santa's plate. The fat bastard doesn't need them! I did promise you cookies didn't I?

Eat them quick before Santa finds out!

I'll still be around during the next few weeks, but my posting might be scarce until the new year. I'm very much done with this year, how about you? Let's hope next year was better than the last.

FROM KRAMPUS AND KWEENY TODD'S GORY KINGDOM!

Day 12: Kweeny Reviews...

2011-12-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

(As always, I give you the warning: May contain spoilers, yada yada, yada. I like candy canes. NOM NOM NOM...)

I wanted to review this movie the moment I heard Spooky Vegan mention it on her holiday movie list. I wanted to find a holiday movie that was different than the others out there. It looked pretty intense, and I do enjoy the intense films as pallet cleansers when I've watched way too much schlock. And trust me, the holidays are filled with schlocky movies.

This one isn't one of them.

Inside – À l’intérieur is a French film by directors Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo. From the outside there isn't much to it. It's a movie about a pregnant woman fighting for survival when a female intruder breaks in on Christmas Eve. But from the inside, there is so much more. It's a story about women's darkness. In the tradition of great horror films about women's darkness, Inside doesn't hold back. Such classics that fall into this category for me are: I Spit On Your Grave, Grace, Teeth, and Ginger Snaps. You could even argue Martyrs is woman's horror, because woman are targeted as victims specifically by their brutalizers because of how they take pain. Woman do endure pain differently from men. They're strength comes from endurance you might say. How else could they survive normal childbirth?

I enjoy watching films that make commentary on the genders, intentionally or not. I find them fascinating. I recently reviewed I Saw The Devil, and mentioned how it was about male darkness. The females in that film were only there to further the relationship between the two male characters. With Inside, it's the other way around. While you could argue at it's heart Inside is about vengeance (at least on the part of the unnamed woman character I shall from now on refer to as BITCHFACE) it's really not. I didn't feel Bitchface was actually out for vengeance, even when the big reveal happens. Because to me, Bitchface was after Sarah for one thing: The baby. And though Bitchface was brutal and terrible throughout the film, it seemed more of a way to show the unraveling of her broken mind than anything else.

Bitchface and Sarah (the preggers lady) are both wounded women. The beginning of the film just sets the scene for us when we witness Sarah's car accident. Her life is shattered. She's scarred up, pregnant, and grieving for her husband. They clearly once were excited for the baby, and a painful scene where Sarah looks at pictures of her husband shows a tenderness she doesn't have for most the movie towards her child. She's pretty broken up about stuff, and you can totally sympathize with her "I hate Christmas, fuck off world!" attitude. At least I did. So in her depression she locks herself away on Christmas Eve, and that's when the fun really starts.

Bitchface shows up, another broken woman who is clearly mental, and starts harassing Sarah. She knows too much about her, and won't let up. Sarah calls the cops, and well, as Bitchface starts invading, more and more people die. Sarah's mother, Sarah's friend/employer who was gonna take her to the hospital, cops die, and some poor sap who got arrested and was in the cop car when the bad shit went down. Sarah's mother gets killed by Sarah herself by accident, when Sarah thinks she's Bitchface trying to get at her. I felt a little sorry for Sarah when I saw the look of horror on her face after killing her own mother. Dayum that be some crazy shit!

This movie is gory, that's for sure. Brutal, no holds barred gorefest. The use of darkness is also rather interesting at times, especially in a few scenes. But I did find the movie was too dark for too long. I hate when I can't see shit in movies! If the darkness is used properly, and in some scenes it had a purpose, then I don't mind so much. But the movie was mostly darkness! It drove me up the wall! I have bad eyes as it is, making me squint throughout an entire movie is LAME. The use of sound and music was interesting, and I was glad to see they didn't over use sound effects. So honestly, the only real complaint I have about this movie is the darkness thing. Otherwise it's a solid movie.

And yeah, the movie doesn't focus on holiday gimmicks and Christmas BS, and that's what makes it great. It's a backdrop more than anything, and I liked it for that. So if you want a non-traditional, gorefest about women fighting over a baby, watch this movie.

Day 11: Candy Canes!

2011-12-11T00:51:00.000-08:00

ON THE ELEVENTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

My visit with Krampus was so much fun, it made my too small heart a few sizes bigger. I'm feeling less Grinchy today, so I thought I'd share one of my favorite holiday treats with you.

Every holiday has it's staple foods. Deserts and candy that mark the holiday. Halloween has things like Candy Corn, which by now you know I think is TERRIBLE. But there is one thing I adore about Christmas/Yule/whatever you wanna call this holiday and that thing is CANDY CANES!

I FRIGGEN LOVE CANDY CANES! They are a party in my mouth. A party made of so much win Chuck Norris would be jealous and try to punch it's face.

Thankfully Chuck doesn't know about my love of Candy Canes. But I will share my secret with you. I suppose they made Candy Canes to make up for all the other crap they make us endure for the holidays. Halloween has so much cool shit they had to balance it out by making Candy Corn awful. So if my half-baked, sugar-high-induced theory is correct, Candy Corn and Candy Canes are sacred foods of balance. They keep the Universe together. The "FORCE" is strong because these things exist. They are ying and yang...

AND SO FRIGGEN NOMMY! I love the Peppermint ones and the fruity ones, and all sorts of flavors of Candy Canes! I haven't found a bad Candy Cane, and alternately, I have never found a GOOD Candy Corn. Coincidence? I think NOT!

I'm now gonna go have a sugar coma.

Day 10: Krampus Visits Kweeny's Gory Kingdom!

2011-12-10T00:03:00.000-08:00

ON THE TENTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY KRAMPUS GIVES TO YOU:

Since Kweeny has been such a naughty girl this year I thought I'd pay her a little visit...

She has been very, very naughty, wouldn't you agree readers? I was going to punish her thoroughly, but she just clapped her hands together and giggled excitedly. Not the...typical reaction people have when I say I am going to drag them to hell with me.

Instead of leaving her a little "gift", I stole this really neat doll she had lying around. I thought it would prefer to come live with me anyhow.

The only problem was she actually loved having me. I'm not used to such a warm reception. So I promised her I'd visit once more before Creepmas was over.

I will be back for her readers...once I figure out how to punish her. She seems to love monsters in a very unhealthy way. It's rather confusing for a demon like me.

Day 09: Genre Talk: Twitlight Christmas Greetings

2011-12-09T01:10:00.000-08:00

ON THE NINTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

So I am kinda slow going this year, and haven't achieved half of the stuff on my list to get done. I haven't started baking, haven't gotten the tree yet, and I dunno if I will be able to pull a lot of it off because I am hella broke. Lots is happening right now, so I'm doing the best I can to scramble and get things done. I'm hoping everything falls into place so we can have a nice Yule here in Kweeny's Gory Kingdom.

But nothing warms my Grinchy spirit more than making fun of horribly written book franchises. I admit it, sometimes I am really hard on the Twilight series. I should probably give it a break, just this once. I mean, it's not all bad right? It at least inspires me to have...

Now I am motivated to write better! YAY!

On my friends list I stumbled upon a real gem today, that I thought could bring Creepmas cheer to my readers. Everyone enjoys seasons greetings, and I found a spectacular one from our favorite Twilight-empty-eyed actress Kristen Stewart. She's such an amazing actress right?

Now everything makes sense! I never knew how awesome Santa was! Why with his powers of Resurrection and all, HE'S JUST GOD IN DISGUISE! And here I thought he was evil. Shame on me.

I'm gonna go around town rubbing my belly now and see if people think I'm pregnant. Just to fuck with them.

If this video doesn't creep you out well, I dunno what will.

And yes, I know she's not the REAL Kristen Stewart. The resemblance is uncanny no?

Day 08: Side Stepping: Creepmas and Rankin/Bass

2011-12-08T00:17:00.000-08:00

ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

Because of my last post the FBI are on to me (Fruitcake Bureau of Investigation) and I need to fight off Mulder and Skully and their robotic minion:

So while I do that with the skills I aquired from all the Jet Li films I've watched during the years, I thought I'd offer you some clips from some Christmas specials we are all subjected to this time of year. Shows we watched whether we liked it or not. Luckily for me, I liked the weird stuff...

Every year we watch the lovable, weird-ass claymation cartoons of Rankin/Bass Christmas, but does anyone ever stop to think how completely CREEPY it all was? I mean think about this: A freaked out yeti, talking snowmen, manipulative, gnarly-looking wizards, a reindeer who's nose can be seen from outer space, a prospector named Yukon Cornelius POOP (who sniffs and licks his axe), an elf that wants to be a dentist, misfit toys, the heat and snow misers, and the list goes on. Of course there was singing and dancing to try and make the weird little creatures make some sort of sense to our young, impressionable minds. And even though they were creepy-as-fuck, I admit that they were also lovable. Maybe because they were creepy I let them grow on my three-sizes-too-small heart.

So here you go my readers, remember back to a time when you were young and innocent, and watch a few clips from the old festive cartoons I'm sure are still being played on mainstream networks somewhere right now. Because the holiday isn't complete without them:

This shaped my childhood folks, and I watched this stuff EVERY YEAR. Bet you did too! Who's your favourite of this strange lot? I have to admit, I think the creepiest one is Yukon. Dude, the way you lick that pickaxe...just not right man.

Day 07: Kweeny's Eldritch Fruitcake Horror

2011-12-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

"That is not dead which can eternal lie,

And with strange aeons even death may die."

Here it is folks. I have proof that death is dead, and the mighty 'Thulu is rising. That proof my dear readers comes in the form of this preserved holiday Elder Sign:

You know what this crap is. And I'm sure it was forced upon you by some well-meaning friend or relative, who made this slab of grotesqueness as a gift. Of course, the version you got is only a pale shadow of the original power of this cake. A cake I will prove to you is a creation of the Elder Gods. You might think it's just a collection of booze, nuts, fruit, spices and sugar, but I'm telling you, fruitcake is an Eldritch Horror.

Point 1: Fruitcake never goes bad. Why is this? It's the combination of sugar and alcohol (and dark cultist magic) that binds the cake together and keeps germs from collecting within it. Also, if you look closely, you can see the nuts and fruit sometimes form sigils of power for summoning the Old Ones. Fruitcake is one of the very few foods that never goes bad, and thus it was perfect for ritual sacrifices.

Point 2: It has held together all the great empires of the world. From Egyptian burial ceremonies, to feeding Roman Legionaries, to being banned by the Catholic church. The church knew it's true evil purpose. It never slumbers. It never ages. It never rots. Zombies wish they had powers this great.

Point 3: Dark cults that exist only on the internet prove fruitcakes nefarious power. Where else can priests of the Old Ones meet and talk about how they will use Fruitcakes power to awaken Cthulhu? Would a mere piece of chocolate cake hold such sway over the stars? I think not.

Point 4: Even World War 2 Germans could not destroy fruitcake. This fruitcake was created in Queen Victoria's era and even though German's bombed the shit out of London, this evil cake SURVIVED. It has only browned a little with age, but they say inside the cake is still moist. *shiver*

Point 5: In 2005 Fruitcake was considered a national security threat. The US government grew wise to it's power, and feared it for the ageless wisdom it holds within it's nuts and berries. The extreme density of the cakes made TSA agents worry, especially once they scanned them and saw the Elder signs within for themselves.

I'm telling you, the time draws near. The stars will align and Fruitcake will awaken the Old Ones. No one is safe. If you are lucky, perhaps the Fruitcake will get eaten last by Mighty Cthulhu. Or maybe, even he won't even wanna touch the shit with a ten-foot-long tentacle. I know I don't.

Day 06: Creepy Creepmas Critters

2011-12-06T00:27:00.000-08:00

ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

By now you must know I think Santa Clause is scary, but there are lots of weird crap we are subjected to over the holidays. Songs and stories about things that if people really sat down and thought about them, they'd realize it was totally creepy. Since it's Krampus Eve, I thought I'd honor the demon who "Sees you when you're sleeping..." with my personal selection of the critters I think are actually disturbing during the holidays. Stuff we treat as normal festive crap, and never stop think for a moment that it might be wrong if that weirdness REALLY DID HAPPEN.

Like for example: Frosty. The story of Frosty the Snowman is CREEPY. Am I alone on this one? A snow man comes to life, and everyone just sings songs with it and act's like it's totally okay? Not once do the kids question their sanity, or ask if mommy or daddy drugged them. Fine, they are children. Children play make believe. But it's not just the kids who see this guy. They go around town with him, and you start to wonder if the adults were hitting the special brownies. And he's a snowman folks. He shouldn't walk, talk or play games with children. Because we tell our kids all the time to not talk to strangers, and I don't know anything more strange than a talking snowman!

Next on my list of Creepy Creepmas Critters is Santa's reindeer. Let's not even begin to think about how terrible it would be to have a real Rudolph, because a glowing nose is JUST NOT RIGHT. He's probably radioactive or something. But flying reindeer in general is NOT OKAY. They should not fly! Maybe they are ghosts, and that's why they can fly, who knows. It's never explained, and you're just supposed to "Use the spirit of the holidays!" to buy into a lot of BS when these things are told to you. I hear, "Where's your holiday spirit?" a lot when I question this stuff, and usually I tell people I buried it along with my shattered childhood.

I know, I'm such a grinch. Oh well.

And another thing: Reindeer in general are not easily tamable! Sure, you can round them up in a pen and let kids pet them, but I wouldn't let my children do that. They are WILD animals folks. Wild animals are known to bite kids when agitated. I'd bite too if I wasn't allowed to just be a normal reindeer and instead I am forced into a small space so little kids can pet me because it's "Festive" to do so! I also think personally that reindeer are like the long lost cousins of moose. And I've seen moose in action. Those mofo's will own your ass if you cross their path. Ever seen a moose pissed off? Of course you haven't, or you'd be DEAD.

And last on my list: The Nutcracker. I have never, ever felt completely comfortable about the Nutcracker story. I have tried to like it. I even watched a ballet performance of it, but it always seemed very creepy to have this Rat King guy fighting with the Nutcracker Prince. Nutcracker's never looked like heartwarming things either. They are cold, wooden contraptions with fake painted faces and odd expressions. In the play they try to make the nutcracker look charming and pretty, but it never comes across that way to me. A nutcracker coming to life in front of me would make me shit myself. Let alone a creepy Rat King showing up and saying, "Hey kid, how's it going?" I think I'd run away screaming.

So those are just a few of the critters I find creepy during the holidays. What traditionally festive creatures do you think are just a bit too creepy?

Day 05 Kweeny Krafts Spider Snowflakes!

2011-12-05T00:30:00.000-08:00

ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

One of the things I like about Creepmas is being crafty. I like making things for people, as decorations or gifts when I'm not lazy and putting it off. I decided today I'd make some snowflakes. Not just any snowflakes though, I wanted to make some spiders. I love snowflakes, and I love the scene in Nightmare Before Christmas when Jack is trying his hand at them and keeps making spiders.

Well I decided to try my hand at it. I found a pattern on the web, (for those who don't wanna search themselves, here's the one I used.) and started making my snowflake spider army!

First I had to print out the pattern and cut off the access paper.

Then I folded the paper in half, like so and started cutting...

Then I cut along the outside of the lines like this.

Next I had to do the more delicate cutting inside the pattern to make the body and legs. And once that was done, I had the finished product:

MY SPIDER ARMY! They will be legion! I think they are adorable, and very appropriate for Oregon. Oregon has many, many spiders, with big beautiful webs you gotta watch out for. I don't know if I am gonna color them in or leave them as is. I kinda like how they look. Maybe I'll stick them in my window and show them off for the world. My hubby just loves them, which makes me happy.

Stay tuned for more crazy crafting madness during Kweeny's Creepmas Countdown!

Day 04: Mad Jester Reviews...

2011-12-04T02:23:00.000-08:00

ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

Yup it's that time again folks, when I enlist the help of my crazy uncle Mad Jester to bring you guys some reviews of movies he's seen. He's like my very own uncle Fester, but he's still stuck in Canada. This time he was hitting the hard Egg Nog and in his drunken stooper he watched Gingerdead Man 1 and 2. Then he promptly proceeded to whimper and loose his lunch. Don't mix hard Egg Nog and bad horror.

But after he sobered up he sent me this review to share with you readers. It spares me having to watch it, and considering the list of stuff I have to do for Creepmas as is, I am grateful for the small break.

MAD JESTER REVIEWS GINGERDEAD MAN

Hello, spurts-fans, and welcome to Schlocky Night in Canada!

Lately, I've been spoiling myself by watching only GOOD horror movies- you know, the thought-provoking, or at least genuinely dread-inducing stuff. The stuff that you'd gladly admit to having watched on purpose, and not just because there's nothing on TV. But as any horror fan will tell you, there's another, more sinister side of horror cinema... the truly vile, nasty, cringe-worthy, laughably-executed dreck that most people with a sense of taste wouldn't touch with a ten-foot punji spike.

Well, I recently helped myself to a double-serving of the latter variety; partly because I rather enjoy looking down my nose at these cinematic stink-bombs, and partly because I felt guilty about... certain things, and felt some self-punishment was in order. (I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize again to the Burlington Fire Department and Mrs. Finley's grade 3 class.) And so, I began an expedition into the execrable, a foray into the foul and faulty; a double-helping of half-baked horrible, in the form of Gingerdead Man and Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust.

First, the first. Gingerdead Man 1 tells the (godawful and wildly contrived) tale of one Millard Findlemeyer (triple word score on THAT name), a mentally-unstable career criminal played by mentally-unstable Gary Busey. Long story short, he robs a diner (in broad daylight, no less), kills the father and brother of 'protagonist' Sarah Leigh (ye GODS!), gets turned in to the cops (when he decides not to kill Sarah because 'she was too scared to try to stop me'), and gets the chair.

Now comes the stupid part.

His mother, a 'witch', enchants his ashes and sends them, marked 'gingerbread seasoning', to the bakery where Sarah works with her mother and friends. The ashes, mixed with gingerbread dough, blood from a clumsy coworker (health code violation!), electricity from a faulty wire and enough suspension of disbelief to fill an Olympic standard swimming pool, and Findlemeyer is reincarnated as an animate, malevolent cookie calling itself (you guessed it) the Gingerdead Man. What follows is a campaign of terror that can only be described as 'brain-stabbingly idiotic'.

The villain, I must remind you, is a cookie- represented on-screen by a shoddy rubber hand-puppet (which kind of looks like a vaguely humanoid turd with a face), and the kills consist of 'shot of victim screaming, shot of puppet clumsily swinging weapon, shot of victim falling over covered in blood (strawberry syrup)'. The acting makes it look like they drove a pickup truck up to the front of Second City and honked the horn for itinerant actors. The music sounds like it was composed and performed by some Cheetos-stained CHUD in his mom's garage on a Casio keyboard while on a break between WoW raids. The dialogue? Oh gods, the dialogue.

The dialogue makes me want to beat William Butler and August White (the writers) about the face and neck with a copy of English How She Is Spoke.

Now for the second serving.

GDM2 is set on the lot of a movie studio, namely 'Cheatum Pictures'- a small-time movie house specializing in producing cheesy low-budget sci-fi and horror movies. (How meta!) The eponymous comestible shows up for no discernible reason to cause havoc, overhears that there's a 'book of Satanic spells' on the studio lot (Gingerdead himself declares "How wonderfully contrived!") and conceives a plan to return to a living human body.

I was expecting Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust to be an even bigger poop-and-toenail sandwich than the first, but I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. Not that the acting was any better (it wasn't), nor that the plot was any less contrived (it was MORE), nor that the monster was any more terrifying (same crappy puppet, with a few more crappy puppets introduced). It's not that the music was better, or that the dialogue was any less cornball. But I must say, I actually kind of enjoyed GDM2, for one simple reason:

They took a page out of the Troma Studios Book of Filmmaking, namely the page that reads as follows:

Step 1: Do you give a fuck? Well, KNOCK IT OFF!

This time out, the cast and crew KNEW they were making a shitty movie, and just decided 'Fuck it, let's have fun!' They added silly sound effects, LOTS of stupid jokes and puns, and characters that may well have fit in on Tex Avery's drawing board. And then there's the puppets.

For a good example of just how hilarious these puppets are, do a Google image search for 'haunted dildo'. If you see something that looks like a googly-eyed rubber penis in a tux, it's either the Haunted Dildo puppet, or a picture of Robert Pattinson on the red carpet.

So, to summarize, Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust is a campy, goofy, fun outing, perfect for Bad Movie Night, while its predecessor Gingerdead Man will make you feel like your skull's been cornholed by a rhinoceros with foetal alcohol syndrome.

Day 03: Kweeny's Creepmas Carols

2011-12-03T00:14:00.000-08:00

ON THE THIRD DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

Sometimes it's hard to get into the holiday spirit, but even this Grinch can find ways to deck the halls. There are things I do enjoy about the holidays. I like decorating, getting crafty, making tasty treats and little gifts for people, and being with loved ones. I also love the terrible horror movies made around the holiday theme. (which there will be reviews of!) And if you are an avid reader of the blog, you know I like music. But I grow weary of the typical music we are bombarded with during this season. Over and over we hear the same songs, and can't go anywhere without being subjected to them. So I like to take the power back by finding unusual and creepy winter tunes. Stuff that warms the dark regions. The dark squishy parts need the most "cheer" after all when it's cold outside.

So here is a small collection of some delightfully twisted music that puts me in the holiday spirit. Maybe it will do the same for you. Or maybe you'll just shake your head at me and call me creepy. Either way, I have done my duty.

ENJOY KWEENY'S CREEPMAS CAROLS:

My first selection is from the Tales From The Cryptkeeper Christmas album entitled, "Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas":

Ah, so heartwarming. I love the sounds of slaughter in the background. King Diamond would approve, and I do enjoy listening to his song "No Presents for Christmas" during this time of year:

Rock ON! After that one I need to bring things down a bit and put on some Twisted Christmas. They have such classic songs like "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer":

And of course, no Creepmas caroling is complete without the Carol of the Old Ones:

The Elder Gods appreciate a good song. But if you really must have something a little more "traditional", and you would prefer to hear the classics, then the only way I am listening to them with you is if we get the Dark Knight to sing them:

Everything is better with Batman.

DAY 02: Kweeny's Twisted Thoughts on the Monster that is Santa Clause

2011-12-02T01:00:00.000-08:00

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

(THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED WITHIN MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME READERS. BUT I NEED TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM, AND GET SOME OF MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE CRAP I HATE IN THE HOLIDAYS OFF MY CHEST. I'M ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST ANYHOW. BEEN THERE SINCE I WAS 5)

There is a trend this time of year, to write letters to the beast known as Santa Clause. He is a monster who feeds off the dreams of privileged rich kids, and we are taught at a young age to worship him as if he was a god himself. I believe he's actually a yeti in disguise, and the idea of letting a monster like Santa in your home is kinda disturbing if you think about it. Just letting some nasty fat man invade your home, eat your food and then track soot through the house is just not right in my head. Or maybe he's just become Satan Claws, ruler of corporate Christmas hell, sent to convert all the little children to his elf army.

Or maybe I'm bitter Santa never ate my damn cookies. He probably prefer's souls anyhow.

I am told by the elves that work for him he wasn't always a monster. That once, he represented something wholesome and beautiful. That he was a spirit of generosity, and his sidekick Krampus (who was a demon I might add, so there is a connection Santa has demonic family ties) taught valuable lessons. But if you read the Sandman comics, you know the story of the Incarnation known as Delirium. She was once the embodiment of Delight, until humanity's dreams darkened, twisting her mind into madness.

I think Santa has gone the same way.

Anyhow, I discovered a letter to Santa I wrote in 2003. But I found it was still relevant now, and just added a few new touches to update it. Enjoy, and I warn you, I am very bitter against the consumerism that surrounds the holiday season. It's not that I don't like buying stuff. I do have a NEEDFUL THINGS section in this blog. It's just too much during the holidays. Everything in moderation folks. And I find that the spirit of Santa has been corrupted terribly. I just don't like what Santa Clause has become. Horror is a genre where we can talk about the monsters we see in life. And to me, Santa is a monster.

I promise you'll get cookies later for putting up with my ranting. At least in picture form. *wink*

Dear Santa Clause,

You are a load of crap, you fat gluttonous freak.

You never listened to me in the past when I asked for things, probably because you were getting fat off my cookies I burned my hands making, and I know you won't now. But since you wear red and pretend to be so kind and generous, I believe you’re really Satan in disguise. Why do you think I draw this conclusion Santa? Well, he seems to rule the world anyhow, and is the greatest faker there is. A king among corporate asses. He sits on his Mcdonlands biggie-sized arch and gets fat off our suffering...What a guy to admire. And you yourself, sold out to the highest bidder, only to give presents to us fat and sinful rich kids. I myself don’t think I’m rich, I’m in the 99% after all, but I am better off then those poor kids on TV... you know the ones with the sad little faces, shriveled up because they are so hungry? Yeah, they don’t get gifts for Christmas, they get pain and death. And here I sit, guilty and confused as to why you even Matter. They don't need this new Santa. They need real miracles and real generosity. So does the rest of the world. Christmas isn't about presents. It's about people connecting. People caring. People giving of themselves for one day. Just one. They need the real spirit of the season, and you have become so far removed from the original idea that birthed you.

But I think I may be asking the wrong questions to the wrong monster. Santa can't help me. I should ask Satan Claws for more useless crap for Christmas instead. Maybe he will make the pain stop with more possessions. TV tells me over and over that's what I need this time of year.

In which case...

DEAR SATAN CLAWS,

I want to get rid of the beast Santa so he can stop making kids cry in malls. He's scary. I want to set him on fire so no child ever has to sit on his creepy knee again. We can all hold hands and roast chestnuts over him. It would sure make some pretty holiday lights for the aliens to enjoy.

Also, can you please, PLEASE quit it with the on slot of Christmas music and decorations in OCTOBER? I mean come on, give Halloween and Thanksgiving time to move out! Is that too much to ask?

Or maybe just give me a Nook Color instead.

Love always,

Kweeny

PS: Satan Claws, do you think aliens celebrate Christmas?

(And no readers, I don’t really believe in Satan, or Santa, just jaded-hope-shattering that the world unloads on us in a constant stream of shit. That my friends, is very, very real. I also believe in being with loved this time of year. You don't need to buy things to show your love. As long as it's from the heart, that's what matters. Even if you do buy things, all I ask is you think about what you buy, and the reasons you are buying it.

It's been a rough few days. Consider this blowing off some steam.

Oh and I totally believe in aliens.)

CREEPMAS IS HERE

2011-12-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

Welcome to the 13 days of CREEPMAS! Join me here on my blog for much celebration in the next 13 days, as I do the holidays in the twisted traditions of my people: THE HORROR GEEKS! I shall be celebrating this season as I always do, with my own brand of creepy-cool. I don't like the normal drudgery of the season, and being pagan, I always celebrate the holidays just a little bit different than the mainstream. This year, I plan to have happy horrordays instead of holidays!

So stay tuned in the next little while for posts on how to put the creepy in your Creepmas that Jack Skellington would approve of!

And make sure you check out the other creepers who are doing the holidays in style! We are legion!

THIS YEAR CHRISTMAS WILL BE OURS!!!!

PS: Thank you for the condolences. We survived the trip to Boston, and it was a lovely service for Bear's grandfather. It's been rough, but we are pulling through, and trying to get into the spirit here in Kweeny's Gory Kingdom.

Side Stepping: Stuff In Kweeny's Life

2011-11-26T08:47:00.000-08:00

Hey gang,

This is just a message to inform you I may be late with my Creepmas posting at the beginning. We had a death in the family, and I am likely flying to Boston next week to deal with funeral arrangements. So I will post as soon as I can. I still plan to participate, I just may need to make up for lost time with a Wicked Weapons post or something equally bad ass.

To leave you all on a high note as I hate being a downer, I found this wicked video of 100 of the Greatest Horror Movie Quotes. It's very well done, and I like how the creator spliced them together. They almost flow into one another. I hope you guys like it too.

See you when I get back Horrorverse.

In Kweeny's Magic Gory Kingdom...

2011-11-25T02:31:00.000-08:00

For me, a holiday season is not complete without terrible horror to make fun of tradition. It's just how we roll in the Magic Gory Kingdom. So we celebrated Thanksgiving in style, by eating way too much, laughing and watching Thankskilling. I don't think my friends and hubby are going to forgive me for subjecting them to that movie. It was pretty terrible.

You know the movie is classy when it's slogan is "Gobble, Gobble, MOTHERFUCKER!" Seriously. The movie opens with a pair of tits filling the screen and the killer turkey yelling, "Nice tits bitch!" before killing her. I shit you not. The fucking bird is the crappiest puppet I ever seen:

I can't make this crap up.

Now, I've seen Poultrygeist too, and it is actually a better grade of crap in my opinion than this piece of ass-meat I watched. It might be my loyalty to Troma, but in all honesty I just like that film better. It's still campy like Thankskilling, but I found it less lazy. Camp doesn't have to be lazily done to be funny. Should have probably watched it instead to get in the holiday spirit. But at least they were not taking themselves seriously while making this piece of tripe. I don't think they gave a shit at all in my opinion, which is kinda a saving grace. They couldn't even keep plot lines straight. Who was the slut in this picture? Why was the fat-bastard-guy suddenly best friends with the geek-guy once he was dead? I'm pretty sure the fat-bastard character hated the geek. And yes, I don't know their names. I'm sure they didn't know each other's names. Either people in the film don't know who they are, or the actors who I am convinced were mostly porn stars trying to act, didn't give a shit about the scripts because they weren't getting paid to care. But there are tits, gore and a vulgar puppet who kills people. Happy Thanksgiving!

Here's the trailer for those of you who are morbidly curious and love the most terrible of horror movies:

But seriously, I hope you readers had a great Thanksgiving. I got to celebrate it twice because I'm Canadian. Which is fine by me. Just means I get lots of pumpkin pie. And if you don't know by now, I -LOVE- pumpkin pie.

Stay Classy Horrorverse and Gobble, Gobble, Motherfucker!

Kweeny Reviews...

2011-11-20T02:59:00.000-08:00

I'm just gonna dive right into this one. Some films come along and that's the only way you really can deal with them. Dive into the deep end and just swim through it. This is one such film. A film that gets under the skin and leaves you with questions when it's over. So bear with me while we cannonball into the deep end of this horror pool.

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!

After reading several reviews of the film, I finally got around to watching I Saw The Devil. I do enjoy reading other people's opinions on things, but in the end I will make my own opinion on a topic. I waited until the perfect moment to watch this, because heavy films like these need me to be ready to take them. Especially if they deal with triggering material. I find these films very therapeutic oddly enough, and was not disappointed in that regard when watching this film. I was well prepared, maybe a bit too much, as I didn't find it as "shocking" as it was presented to me by all the hype. I did prep myself though, so your mileage may vary.

This is what I like to call A Vengeance Fuel Film. They are a special breed of film, and generally deal with that nasty emotion. Wrath is a powerful emotion, and wrath through the lens of vengeance is terrible because it is focused, purposeful wrath. It can be confused with drive, because it channels a good mad-on into a goal with a hungry, growling mouth.

I Saw The Devil falls into this category well. This Korean film is done with style, and it might be because of the different perspective on the topic of vengeance. Director Jee-woon Kim is the master who made another Asian horror favourite of mine, A Tale Of Two Sisters, so I was expecting good things from him with this movie. I wasn't disappointed. Brutally directed, beautiful cinematography, and great acting. And being a writer, I love a well told story, and this one does that and more.

On the surface the plot is simple: A young couple is newly married, and the wife has car trouble on her way home. He is working and talks to her while on the job as she waits for a tow truck to get her. They are adorable on the phone. He even sneaks off at one point to sing to her in the washroom which I found just sweet. My husband did that for me while we were apart for months at a time. It really hit a personal cord with me. Of course things go wrong, when a strange man offers to give the wife a hand. She tries to refuse and just wait for the tow truck, but in the end she is attacked when the strange man doesn't take no for an answer.

From there the movie moves fast and hard. No kid gloves here. We watch her get horribly murdered, and during it she confesses she is pregnant. She tries to plead with the killer to spare her life, but he refuses. I'd like to say that's the worst of it. You can probably guess by the whole speech I did about vengeance that the husband does not take it well. The twist is this: The husband is a trained secret agent. He knows how to hunt people down, and to hurt them very, very badly. And yes, he does manage to find this terrible man who killed his wife and hurt him badly.

Seems simple right? A straight forward tale of vengeance. But it's not. Because throughout it you watch the killer do terrible things to women, and other people who happen to cross his path. He is completely, and thoroughly out of his mind. The abuse, torture and murder he leaves in his wake makes it very difficult for anyone to feel sorry for him. The beauty of this film is that the secret agent becomes such a monster himself in his pursuit of vengeance you don't know who is worse. The slow, systematic way the husband enacts his "justice" is both beautiful and terrible, and the pair tend to do this mirroring dance with each other as the film progresses. For every terrible thing the Killer does, we see an equally terrible thing from the Husband. I think the director did a great job with that. It really makes us question things, right to the very end.

One criticism I have though is that woman are just objects to fuel the story between the two men in this film. The story really is about male darkness. This isn't a bad thing mind you, because there are plenty of tales of woman's darkness and woman's vengeance out there. But I should warn you that women are treated very poorly in this film. It can be very triggering if you have been abused. The Killer in particular treats women very violently both physically and sexually. Something to consider if you have problems viewing such things. Though for me personally, it just made me root for the Husband more.

Overall I think the film has merit. It raises some really dark questions about how far people should go to enact their own brand of justice, and what it will cost you in the end if you do. Will you become the thing you hate? Or maybe you'll became a whole new monster. At the very least, you will loose yourself in the process, and your grief over the tragic death of your loved one will only feel more bitter and hollow in your soul.

At least, that's the message I took away from it. I really couldn't make any snarky comments about this one. The subject matter was just too heavy. Take that for what it's worth.

Genre Talk: Kweeny's Horror Movie Alphabet

2011-11-14T04:13:00.000-08:00

In moments of inspired madness I get challenged to do crazy things from my friends. One such thing happened years ago, when my friend challenged me to do an entire alphabet using horror movies. I stumbled upon this piece of writing, and it made me think. Would I still choose the same movies for each letter of the alphabet as I did then? Would people find this at all interesting to read? Am I up way too late at night yet again? So many questions...(Please note: This list is purely based on what I could think up as far as movies go. At the time it wasn't about preference in movie, even if some on this list are favourites of mine. It's more about what fit the letter and popped into my head first.)

So here it is for you in all it's gory glory!

KWEENY TODD'S ALPHABET OF HORROR MOVIES

Amittyville Horror

This is a classic tale that set when people think of haunted house movies, it's one of the first mentioned. It's not a hard plot line to follow either, and set the standard for a series of haunted house movies in it's wake. Stop me if you haven't heard this one: Family buys a house. The house is haunted. Bad ghosty stuff ensues. People feel trapped in house. Blah blah blah. Kinda slow film too, so you need to be patient to wait for the creepy bits. Though I think as ghost stories go, it's kinda boring. I just felt there was a lot of build up and not a lot of return.

Battle Royale

Oh man, I love this film. It's friggen insane and a gorefest. Quick-and-dirty of the plot is the following: Some Japanese kids battle it out in a school in the future. A whole 9th grade class is chosen for slaughter and sent to an Island to battle for their LIVES AND EDUCATION! HUZZAH! So much blood. So many people killing each other. It's wicked fun.

Candyman

Classic Clive Barker. Say Candyman's name in the mirror and he will gut you like a fish. Candyman is based off of those legends like Bloody Mary. The story is beautiful in my opinion, and the music for this movie always haunts me. It's part love story, part horror, and Candyman is one of those monsters that really sits with me after the movie is done. I -feel- for him. I feel drawn to him, like he's a seductive serpent calling me to "be his victim". Oh and bees. In the mouth. Kinda like Mr. Burns and his bee dogs... but EVERYWHERE.

Demons

This is a silly, campy horror flick by Dario Argento. It's totally not the same style of films he normally does, but yet it spawned a bunch of hellish sequels. The cheese is thick in the Demons series folks, but lovable all the same if you're a horror dork like I am. Gods it's been years since I've watched these silly little monsters scamper across the screen tormenting people.

Evil Dead

Seriously, do I have to explain? I suppose there are still people in the horrorverse who haven't seen this movie. Quick synopsis: Ash (played by Bruce "The Chin" Campbell) and his chums go up to a cottage in the woods and find a book bound in human flesh called the Necronomicon and summon demons that possess all his friends one by one. Very indie and old school cinematography but it just adds to the charm.

Feast

I wasn't sure I was gonna like this one actually, I kept avoiding it in the Blockbuster when Dave and I would go in to rent movies. It's pretty much same shit different pile, and did little to impress me. It follows a very typical situation. The set up is people being trapped in a bar (Dusk Till Dawn anyone?) and then fighting monsters. The monsters are kinda cool though, and the gore is great. So as much as I wasn't too impressed with the story layout, I was amused by the massacre. Aww, am I sadist much? *wicked smirk*

Ghoulies

Yeah, you know what I said about Demons? Ghoulies is pretty much the same thing. Though their not Demons really... I dunno their... well Ghoulies, wherever the fuck that means. I guess they are kinda like demons. They possess this old guys house that this couple moves into, and mess shit up. Demons is more fun in my opinion, though it doesn't have the level of crappy effects that produced some silly looking creatures. Like the above picture!

Hellraiser

"I'll tear your soul apart!" One of my favorite quotes of all time. This is one of my top favorite movies based off a book I love. Clive Barker is awesome. He just knows how to make monsters that never leave you, monsters that mark your soul forever and make you think deeply about your own darkness. And the Cenobites are the first monsters that kept me awake as a child for three nights straight. If you know nothing of this movie, then you don't know the power of the puzzle box.

Imprint

This is my favorite of the Masters of Horror movies. It's so fucking disturbing, but what do you expect from Takashi Miike? The guy is insane, and I love him for it. He creates such wild scenes of torture and human darkness that they haunt you. I want to say more, but I'd give this story away and I don't want people to throw things at me. Nor do I want pins shoved in my mouth... damn, I've said too much already.

Jeepers Creepers

You know, this is another film I was pleasantly surprised by. It got a bad rep by some reviewers, but I enjoyed it. It really started to grow on me. By mid-film I was getting into it, and loved some of the scenes. Not really into the sequels as much. I liked that in the first one, you saw very little of the creature itself. And it wore a trench coat. That was cute.

Killer Clowns from Outer Space

Yes, there is a film with this title, and it is totally about Killer Clowns from Space. It is one of the funniest horror movies I've ever seen. I mean, films like this kinda remind me that just like there is a porn movie for everyone, there is a horror movie for everyone. Death by cotton candy anyone?

Let the Right One In

This movie is amazing. I found it to be creepy, beautiful and lasting. Another film that will sit with me for a long time. The story is superb. The music, eerie and unsettling. The acting, was deep and effective. It's a slow film, but well worth it, because the story itself is so original and fresh for a vampire film. Yes, it's about vampires. Trust me, see this one. Hell, see it with people you love, like I did.

Midnight Meat Train

Yup, another Clive Barker film. Do you sense my fannish love for Clive yet? This one is based off one of the many wonderful stories in the Books of Blood series. And other than one scene with Ted Raimi, the movie is wonderfully serious, dark and disturbing. Maybe that scene was because the effects went a little far, or maybe it's just Ted Raimi. I dunno, but I loved the film all the same and really thought the ending was great. It captured the despair and horror the ending of the story gave me the first time I read it. The monsters just win sometimes, no matter how hard you wish they wouldn't.

Night of the Living Dead

George A. Romero's classic black and white one for me please! The black and white just adds to it, don't you think? It adds something, the way when you don't see the gore in a movie does but know something horrible is happening. Zombies shambling around, eating people in black and white seems so much more potent sometimes for me. Well, unless I watch something like Zombie. But I'll get to that later.

Omen, The

*Sings 666 the number of the beast* This one is a slow moving film, and no, I don't care about the stupid remake. Remakes for the most part are dumb and make me SO ANGRY. But the old one, now that was well done. It was slow but had these moments that just grabbed your balls. Like the maid hanging herself. Always gets me. Oh, it's all for you Damian. It's always for you.

Planet Terror

FUCKING LOVED THIS FILM! It never tries to be anything but off-the-wall goretastic fun! Though I am still mad at the scene missing part! I want my hawt make out scene damn you! *Waves fist* But seeing Bruce Willis mutating into... I dunno...was damn cool. And right off the bat, the music and her stripping caught my interest. Oh Cherry Darling. Mmm...

Queen of the Damned

*Sigh* Not many Q movies to choose from I'm afraid, so this one is on here. Which I considered just another long, drawn out music video that has barely ANYTHING to do with the books. It reminds me of a fan made movie some kids put up on Youtube when one of their friends TOLD THEM the plot of Queen of The Damned and The Vampire Lestat. And I say books,because lazy, money-grabbing Hollywood took two books and squished them together, taking out anything RELEVANT to the story and peeing on it. Yes, PEEING ON IT. I said it, and I mean it. (Why can't someone make horror movies based on my life? I'd make an awesome Q horror movie But I digress... ) Though, there is one scene I loved...Lestat and Akasha in the tub, with the roses... FUCKING HAWT. I could watch that all day.

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Yes, it's a musical. But it's a HORROR musical! Which in my books, makes it made of pure win! The music rocks, the gore is awesome (the guy who did Saw directs it so...) and I have to say, even Paris Hilton is awesome in this film. I never thought I'd say that, but heck, I can change my opinion of someone if they prove their worth to me. Though the role she has isn't that far from the truth of who she is. I'm just saying.

*Sings* I AM ONLY LIVING OUT A LIEEEEE!!!!!!!

Slither

So, these space creatures end up on earth, and they are giant leeches or something, and they get into your head. It sounds kinda lame as premises go, and nothing that hasn't been done before except the way this film is done is hilarious! It's just completely campy fun, and never pretends to be anything else. And it has great cameos in it like Troma's Llyod Kaufman! Some scenes even try to gross you out, but I'm hard to gross out these days. The creature effects were amazing though.

Tale of Two Sisters

I chose this one for T, because I didn't want another campy movie. I could have chosen Tales From the Crypt or something like that. But I like variety in my horror. My taste in horror ranges from silly gorefests to deep psychological stuff. This one has a twist ending that seems a little obvious as you reach the end, but the movie is so strange, so wonderfully bizarre and creepy it doesn't matter. Two sisters return home after they have stayed in a mental hospital. That is how the movie starts. From then on you get the weird dynamics of the family, strange haunting images and unsettling moments that build and build. It's a film I'd recommend, but not for a party of drunken college kids. It was a little slow for one of my horror nights.

Uzumaki

This one is based off a comic of similar name, and the name in English is translated to Spiral. It's based off a manga which I am told is even creepier. This is one creepy movie, and sometimes hard to really get into. It's about a town taken over by evil spirals. Seriously. It's just weird, and I dunno how to describe it any other way. I never thought I'd be unnerved by a spiral, and then I saw this movie. It took a symbol I consider sacred and well...creeped me out with it. Good job movie. Good job.

Vampires

Guess what this movie is about? Oh John Carpenter, you think you can do vampire films! You're so cute. Ok, so it's not all bad, it has some good scenes in it and some ass kicking hunters, but I dunno. It falls short for me in some ways. The story sometimes seems a little trite, the action scenes too over the top. It's not bad, but it's not a winner. Can't love all the movies on this list now can I? Hell, I bashed Queen of the Damned pretty hard there.

Warlock

Oh man, I was 14 when I saw this movie. I can barely remember it, but it was pretty damn epic. There was that hot blonde guy who played the warlock, and he was so intense! He had these fucking eyes that could rip your clothes off from a distance! RAWR. And the scene I remember the most is when he possesses that chick and takes out her eyes, doing his hocus pocus with them! That was cool when I was 14. Good times.

X Files - Fight the Future

I have a confession, I was a huge dork for the X files. Some of the creepiest shit I saw was on that show. I made little collages of Mulder and Skully in my journals. So yes, I saw the first movie when it came out. And I got pissed when that damn bee ruined a perfectly good kissing scene. But you know what? It's just not any fun anymore when they did get together. I mean, I bitched all those years ago when they would tease the viewer, but as I get older I appreciate a good tease. Strange how time gives you new perspectives on things huh?

Yeti

Yes, I saw a movie called Yeti. Yes, they made a damn movie called Yeti, and it is as advertised by the name. This is a somewhat recent film too, came out in 2009. So a bunch of stupid college kids are on a plane and they fly over the Himalayas, and guess what? It crashes. Guess what else happens? The Abominable Snow Man gets pissed. So many people are killed, and there's some cannibalism cuz the filmmakers watched ALIVE! before making this film and it's pretty lame all things considered. But it started with a Y.

Zombie

This is a movie with many names. It's called Zombi 2 and Zombie Flesh Eaters depending on where you are and who you ask. The music is sometimes a little dated, but I love the drum beats throughout it. Very voodoo feel. And there is one scene in it that actually makes me squick. I just hate seeing things get driven into people's eyes. To me, that is the worst thing ever. I guess that's why I'm nervous about wearing contact lenses. But yeah, as the name implies, there are walking corpses going around killing people. Very voodoo-esk zombies though, hence the music comment.

AND THAT IS MY LIST FOLKS!

There you go. A list to choose from when you want a horrific night. I hope at the very least it was entertaining to read. Enjoy boils and ghouls!

Canadian Content: Music Heals The Savage Kweeny

2011-11-12T01:55:00.000-08:00

I'm finally starting to feel a little more human, but I wanted to share a new band I stumbled on. They got me through the sick. They lead me through the dark fog of my illness and now I am finally able to see the light. I stumbled upon them by accident and feel kinda stupid I didn't know of them while I was in Canada! But I found them now and I feel so glad I did. And I can share my find with you dear readers!

I now will introduce you to the awesome that is Johnny Hollow. Have a song with The Crow as a backdrop:

I'm bigger now, I'm stronger now. My finger curl, they're talons now! My weeping eyes, are burning now. My cloven feet, are dancing now!

I love their style! They sound so eerie but with a hint of whimsy. This song in particular is my favourite but I love all their stuff. It's rare I find a band that I can enjoy the majority, if not ALL their music. Sometimes you find bands and they only got one or two songs that resonate with you. Toronto band Johnny Hollow is not one of those for me. I love the way they sound. The way the lead singer's voice is this soft, dark lullaby that lures you in. A siren song bringing you to your doom. I love the way their lyrics speak to the dark creatures that dwell within us all. They are reminiscent of another band I love Rasputina, but they have their own flavor for sure. they are an incredibly talented band on so many levels. Definitely give them a listen. I highly recommend them.
Their website is JohnnyHollow.com. Drop in, listen to some tunes, and give them your support! You won't regret it. Once I got more money I am definitely gonna buy a C.D.

In Kweeny's Magic Gory Kingdom...

2011-11-08T01:08:00.000-08:00

You know, it's been a rough week or so, with a few moments of win. Being sick put a huge damper on things for me, and I'm still trying to get over it. I'm actually feeling much better than I have been a few days ago. When I get sick folks, I get sick hardcore. But if you've been following along since day one you probably have realized by now I do everything hardcore in my life. *wink*

Because as they say...

So getting a few blogger awards from my blog chums really has cheered me up. That and my husband Bear being super awesome and taking care of me lately. I'm a pretty lucky little Kweeny.

Anyhow...there are 2 simple rules to this award that the adorable Cherry Neko so kindly imparted upon me. Thank you hon! You've brightened my congested life.

1.Thank the person who gave you the award and link to their blog. (done!)
2.Pass the award on to 5 blogs that have less than 200 followers.

The following bad-ass-bitches please step up and receive my gooey affection:

Anathema Arcana

The Phantom Cat's Otherworld

AEIOU...And Sometimes Why

Monsterfink's Midnight Monster Spookshow

The Montana Mancave Massacre

Spreading the infection...I mean love...one blog at a time. ;)

Genre Talk: Human Centipede...The Musical?

2011-11-07T01:50:00.000-08:00

So I've been reading a lot of different reviews of the second Human Centipede movie, and while I'm still not sure if I wanna see it, I did see the original. Perhaps when I get around to it, I will do a review of both movies if the mood strikes me. But this post is about something else. Related, but only because it is also about being sewn ass-to-mouth together...

In my wanderings on the internet I stumbled across something pretty fucked up. Awesome, but seriously whacked. It's something I could think to do if I was hyper on too much sugar, or if I drank too much. I could see myself having a dream like this after watching the original Human Centipede. Sometimes my mind is cracked like that. I once thought of writing an entire musical version of Nightmare on Elm Street. For real guys. But for once, I didn't think of it! This weird ass shit (HAHAHA! "Ass Shit" get it?) was someone else's idea, and it was REALIZED. Usually people talk me down from my dumb ideas.

Let me show you the magic that is The Human Centipide: The Musical. You can thank me later.

I hope that amused you. I kinda love it actually. It reminds me of Cannibal: The Musical, which I also love. Maybe it's because I am a musical lover. Maybe it's because it's a crazy, out-there concept. Maybe it's because the songs get stuck in my head. Or maybe, it's because I love when crazy ideas I'd think of in a moment of inspired madness are made realized by someone else, because everyone tries to dissolve mine. I suppose they don't want me to create monsters. But monsters are AWESOME!

Now I got the songs stuck in my head...I need more cold and flu drugs obviously.

In Kweeny's Gory Kingdom...

2011-11-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

Wedding Photo. :)

Today is a special day. It's known as Guy Fawkes day, named after a famous conspirator who told the English government off with gunpowder and explosions. But besides that, it's also the anniversary of me and Bear's relationship. We chose long ago before we even got married, that even if we forgot every other anniversary, we would celebrate our love on this day. Why would we choose this day out of any other day?

There are many reasons. One is because of the movie V for Vendetta. It's one of our favourite movies. Not horror mind you, but not all things we love have to be. This scene most of all is the reason why we celebrate our love on this day:

Bear is my roses. I fought through bureaucratic hell to be with him. To be where we are now. And we will apologize to no one for our love.

Yes, V is also based off a comic by Alan Moore, who I am a big fangirl of. I love that crazy man. He's a fucking magician, full of inspiring ideas. Ideas are important. One of the ideas is something Guy Fawkes was trying to convey with his rebellion. We need to stand up and say no when things are wrong in our lives. When people try to take our power away. We need to be inspired as people to live our lives with integrity. Ideas matter. Ideas, like the ones expressed in the above video. To me and Bear Guy Fawkes day is about ideas. Ideas live on after the flesh dies. Ideas make us better people, and make us stand up for things that matter. Ideas can also poison. They are powerful, and they are most certainly bulletproof.

Throughout our entire relationship Bear would send me roses in many forms. To remind me of our love. That no matter the distance, no matter the obstacles placed before us, we would be together. That they couldn't take away that last inch. When you care for something that much, no one can destroy it. That piece of you that is integral to who you are can only die if you let it.

So to celebrate in pure geek style I woke up to my husband cleaning the house and this cute little two-person cake he got made for us by one of his co-workers:

It was SO YUMMY! Moist and delicious chocolate cake, handmade by someone who just likes to make cakes! NOM NOM NOM! We munched on this little desert while we watched V and cuddled. Our roomie was even sweet and brought home a card for us.

We've been married for 2 years and known each other for 9. He's my best friend, my partner in crime and my soulmate. I love you baby! I hope we have many more years of roses together.

Wicked Weapons: The Chainsaw

2011-11-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

Been fighting off the plague for the last few days, and while I am still looking like the living dead, I'm bored. I'm dangerous when I'm bored. I'm one of those people that if I am forced into boredom somehow you better hope I entertain myself creatively, or else something will be set on fire. Probably with my mind. Carrie's got nothing on me. I was a fire-starter in my diapers.

I am at the point of my sickness where I am too sick to be useful in the real world, but not sick enough to enjoy staring at the ceiling for hours on end in a sweaty, feverish daze, hoping unconsciousness brings me wild dreams of dripping gum-drop skies and purple clouds of cotton candy. I tell you, fever dreams/hallucinations are way better than drugs. Also, scarier depending on the drug and fever.

But hopefully I am just sick enough to write an entertaining and interesting post on what I like to think of as the rockstar of the Wicked Weapons collection so far: The Chainsaw.

Why would I compare the chainsaw to a rockstar? Think about this: Rockstars are loud, messy, attention seeking showboats that once they walk on stage, you can't help but stare at them. So is the chainsaw, and anyone who wields a chainsaw for killing is pretty much in the rockstar category. Except they are bastards who kill people. The thing about the chainsaw is you are not gonna use it to kill if you want to be quiet, sneaky, efficient or careful. You don't see killers like Dexter Morgan using a chainsaw. The chainsaw is all about the show! It's gory, it's in your face, (sometimes literally) and there is no way to ignore it's presence. Some people even like to dance with their blades.

Ah Leatherface. You are such a Rockstar...

Anyhow, the weapon like most I have featured in this section is made to be used as a tool. It's a saw blade made portable, has an engine that needs feeding, and they were made primarily for chopping trees and cutting wood. They have cutting chains that look like bicycle chain that guide the little saw blade teeth into the wood. Because of that mighty little engine attached to it, the chain feeds the teeth around and around swiftly, making short work out of anything that dares to come into contact with it. It can't cut into everything, but I bet it will sure make a mess trying to. The thing is hefty too, and while you can get smaller models that are easier to carry around, they are still rather graceless. A chainsaws job is not delicate work. It's here to fuck your shit up just the way you like it. And to give you a loud ringing in your ears after the concert is done.

So anyone who uses this as his weapon is saying the following things to you: I dont give a shit. I'm Charlie-fucking-Sheen and I am gonna kill your ass with nasty, clumsy finesse and people will still think I am the bad ass of murderers! WINNING! I carry this big heavy thing around like a sword, and swing it like a bat at your face! And when it hits, they will know my mark, because it will be HUGE and brutal! I am totally metal! RAWR.

Two kinds of people use a chainsaw to kill: The ones who don't give a flying fuck and are insane, and the ones who think they are rockstars and need us all to know their penis is too small to use more creative and less annoyingly loud weapons.

As you can probably guess, I'm not a chainsaw fan. I do appreciate the mess they make, and it was kinda cool when Ash from Evil Dead made his chainsaw hand attachment (but Bruce Campbell can make anything look cool) but otherwise I just think they are less effective than other weapons out there. They are loud. They give away a killers placement. They are heavy and cumbersome. They are hard to dispose of. There is just so many things wrong with them and not enough cool things that are right. I love the messy gore they can create, but otherwise they don't do it for me.

But that doesn't mean they don't deserve a place of honor in my Wicked Weapons section. Hence why I have posted about them. Now I will show you a few of the movies that showcase the blade, as is tradition. It's a pretty popular weapon, despite it's awkwardness.

Remember how I said there are two types of people who use chainsaws for killing? This movie showcases the first with the insanity that is Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This movie is one of the most disturbing movies I ever saw with chainsaws. It's just a fucked up film. It spawned a bunch of messed up sequels, but they were never as good and as creeptastic as the first film was. All you need in crazy with chainsaws is right here folks.

Now for the second category I present you with Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. Here we have lovable, arrogant Ashley, who is stuck with a girls name and needs to prove his manliness. So he slays his possessed friends by cutting the bastards up with a chainsaw. It's hilarious and awesome to watch. It really is. But you know he's working out that "rock star from mars" angst while he's doing it. The guy has issues. When he finally gives his girlfriend that cheesy necklace, I couldn't help but think he gave her that magnifying glass trinket so she could find his wee wee. But he sure found his wee wee now huh kids! Just pull the cord and let her riiiiip!

How about one more for the road! I present to you both insane and a rockstar (like most are) in the form of American Psycho. I love this movie on so many levels. Patrick Bateman has money, is sexy, does whatever the hell he wants and is out of his pretty little mind. And he brings some chainsaw love back as he walks the runway with his stylish new accessory. How scandalous!

While I know there are more awesome chainsaw flicks out there, I am spent folks. But I hope this look at the chainsaw entertained you. Feel free to share with me more of your favourite chainsaw-loving flicks, and to tell me off if you think I don't quite get the misunderstood chainsaw. I like the banter. It keeps the fever at bay.

I need more Orange Juice and NyQuil, but before I go drug myself into a coma I have one more little thing to share...

I GOT ANOTHER BLOG AWARD! YAY!

The lovely and coveted Zombie Rabbit Award!

Holly from Holly's Horrorland nominated me! I love her blog. She is one of many I have put on my new blogroll I made in the last couple weeks. *tilts head to the right in case you didn't notice* I figured I needed a blogroll to try and post more replies to people's entries in their own blogs. I am so bad at it, and now I have the blogroll as a handy reminder. So I can keep tabs on the peeps I like. Plus it shows people I like the cut of their jibs.

Speaking of, there are rules and shit to this award. Can I navigate rules in my current half-dead state? I shall try...

The Rules:
01.) Give the award up to 10 who you like,

but give a couple the "Next Blog" slider button on top...

so random blogger people can feel the love from a stranger.

[I have to agree with Holly's statement here about not knowing what the heck this means. Maybe I'm too stoned on NyQuil. Maybe I am seeing the drippy gum-drop spots in front of my eyes. I dunno. I like people. I'll pick Ten and let them fight for the limbs off this rotted bunny for themselves! Love is sharing your rotting corpses with your friends!]

02.) Post those you gave the award to,

so fans of your site can see the places you like and Paid It Forward too.

The following people please come to the stage and receive my undying rabies-filled love...

The Real Queen of Horror

Little Gothic Horrors

Justine's Halloween

Pixie's Horror Galore

102 Wicked Things To Do

I'm A Doll

Something WickED This Way Comes...

Dr. Theda's Crypt

From Midnight, With Love

Zombie Hall

I love you all, readers and bloggers alike. Now I go fall over....Zzzzzz....

Day 31: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

2011-10-31T00:10:00.000-07:00

It is with great sadness I present to you my final post in the Halloween Countdown. But I have had a terrific time blogging during this month, and I hope you guys had a good time reading. I somehow managed to blog everyday for an entire month. I am quite proud of myself. And unlike the stores which have already gotten rid of most of their Halloween stuff in favor of Christmas crap, I will carry the spirit of Halloween with me all year long through my love of all things dark and horror.

In honor of the final day in this holiday I present you with some random clips of awesome Horror and Halloween themed stuff:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN READERS!

Day 30: Kweeny Krafts: Costume Pictures!

2011-10-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

I got really drunk last night and had a blast at my friends Halloween party. She even decorated! spider webbing, bloody eyeball Koolaid, the shower scene was amazing...

But without further wait I thought I'd also show you my costume from last night. Here she is folks, the hostess with the mostess, Kweeny Todd!

I couldn't get the white streak I was going for in my hair, but the rest turned out pretty good. The spray white I bought just wouldn't hold.

Had to do the pose with my razor you see.

I love the bloody stockings. And yes, I made the shirt myself. It was FUN! I wanted to spray blood on everything after that but Bear wouldn't let me. :(

Just a possessed girl. Only slightly crazy...right?

At the party last night I just had to have a photoshoot in the bloody bathroom. My friend really made it look wicked!

Bear tried to capture the red lighting in the washroom. Creepy awesome!

Just look at this cool bathroom...

I love when people get into the spirit!

The lovely Nena (who was dressed as Elvira) took some awesome pics too. Like this one of the Koolaid...

And this awesome one of Bear as Lemmy from Motorhead! My husband's a rockstar!

She also got a pretty cool one of me in the shower. With even a hint of the mist that was going on from the smoke machine.

So much fun last night! I love my friends! Thanks for the wild times guys! I sang, I drank, I laughed my face off. Ate too much junk food. Definitely a successful weekend. Now a day of rest and recovering from my hangover before Monday arrives!

Day 29: Side Stepping: Who is Kweeny Todd?

2011-10-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

So tonight and tomorrow night I'm off playing at some parties. Though I already started partying this week at Justine's Halloween Bash, tonight I get unveil my creation of KWEENY TODD! *cackles madly as lightening flashes behind her.* I shall have pictures for tomorrow don't you worry, but tonight I need to post something for you readers... to tie you over.

I thought I'd tell you story of who and what the character Kweeny Todd is. I have been thinking about it, and every character needs a cheesy story to go with it. Though if you got better things to do, I suggest doing those tonight. It is Halloween weekend after all.

Once upon a time long ago when she was young, a girl named Kweeny (who just happened to be a horror lover and dark musical fan) decided in her early years of studying occult lore that she could summon a demon. Kids these days am I right? So young Kweeny got herself all the necessarily tools required for summoning demons. She took pages out of the book "Demon Summoning for Dummies" and drew her funny little sigils.

Using all the powers of darkness and three day old pizza, Kweeny got more than she bargained for. She made a nice little pentagram on the floor of her bedroom with salt and candles, then cut her thumb to add some blood to the center as an offering. Not only did she get indigestion, she managed to summon forth a demon from the bowels of hell far more talented than she bargained for! It wasn't just any demonic entity either. It was a demon who could sing, and who liked razor blades.

Kweeny looked upon the entity with curious wonder. He was handsome, covered in gore, and his throat was still gushing with blood like Niagara Falls. Seeing the pain in his eyes, she felt a little sorry for him. She had a big heart like that. It always got her into trouble.

The only problem was, when she went to him to comfort him, she forgot one of the most important rules of demon summoning: Don't break the circle. When she crossed the threshold, she knocked over a candle and erased some of the salt. She knelt at Sweeney's feet, and he grinned wickedly, a mouth full of razor sharp teeth glinting back at her. "Silly little girl," He said with a gravely voice, "Now you are mine!"

Of course, he didn't kill her. No, he had better plans. Swifter than a flick of the wrist with his razor, he entered Kweeny's body and possessed her. Kweeny screamed and fell to the floor, holding her now throbbing head as Sweeney tried to push her psyche out. But the girl was stronger than she looked. Her will was like iron and after hours of mental anguish and struggle, Sweeney realized he was going to have to adapt to his new host.

So they struck a deal.

Sweeney wasn't really a people person, and well, Kweeny was. And Kweeny loved gore and blood just as much as Sweeney did. So maybe they could live together. Maybe they could help one another. He could help her out with his vast knowledge of blades, and he could tell a good yarn. Kweeny loved a good story! And Kweeny was friendly, had lots of sarcasm and tons of useless knowledges. He convinced Kweeny that living horror movies was far more fun than just watching them. They decided in the end they would just have to live with one another. Kweeny wasn't too keen on the killing, but having demon powers was fun and she did like sharp pointy things...

And thus the legend of Kweeny Todd was born. Kweeny and Sweeney are together in one body, fighting for control, and wrecking havoc upon all they touch. Sometimes Kweeny breaks out into song against her will, as she slices and dices her victims. Sometimes murder is just more fun that way! Though she refuses to eat meat pies now. They bring back too many bad memories.

Tomorrow I will post pictures of Kweeny Todd. Two awesome things together: like peanut butter and chocolate cups.

Day 28: Canadian Content: My Favourite Canadian Writers

2011-10-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

Canada is full of awesome horror stuff. And while I do enjoy the films made in my home country, there are some amazing writers too. And you may or may not know of these hard working people. I'd hate for you book worms like me to miss out on the chance of some good reading, so here's a top ten list of my favourite Canadian writers to give you something to read this holiday and all year round. I'm gonna focus more on the writers themselves and not give too much away about their books, so you will get curious to look them up on you own. My Canadian horror writer friends need some love too. I haven't done enough to give them props on my site yet. So I shall FIX THAT RIGHT NOW!

Nancy Baker has a trilogy of vampire books, starting with this masterpiece A Terrible Beauty. For those of us with a desire for good vampire fiction, I would highly recommend Nancy Baker's work. She has a way with writing torturous vampires. And she's not the only Canadian who does so...

If you love your vampire tales to have some sex appeal to them, look no further than Nancy Kilpatrick. Her writing is sensual and sinister and she has a love for all things dark. She doesn't just do vampires either. I've read some of her "monster erotica" series, and she writes for all sorts of characters, such as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She's also the writer of the famous Goth Bible.

I know I've mentioned her before, but Kelley Armstrong is an amazing Canadian writer who brought werewolves back into the limelight in fiction. She doesn't just write about werewolves either. She has a whole supernatural series that is dark and gritty. Why stop at Bitten? Find more of her work. you won't regret it.

Another awesome female writer is Sephera Giron. I know lots of talented female writers in Canada, what can I say? They are still my home girls. Sephera knows how to weave a murderous tale. She's been in movies like Slime City Massacre, but her main bag is book writing. She writes everything from erotic dark fiction to outright horrific pieces like Mistress of The Dark. If you want a tale about crazy bitches, look no further.

If you don't know who Jovanka Vuckovic is, then you probably haven't read Rue Morgue Magazine. She used to be the Editor-in-Chief, but now she's gone on to pursue her personal ambitions. This is her new book, and it's got lots of awesome history (and pictures!) about zombies. And she knows her stuff. It's a really fun read.

This delightfully twisted lady is Gemma Files, and I tell you, she writes some of the most fucked up awesome horror in Canada. I love how devious her writing is. It's visceral, sometimes cruel, and poetic all at once. She is a must read. We have a novella of hers in Burning Effigy's catalog called Book of Tongues, and I highly recommend you give it a read.

And to add a little testosterone to the mix we have one of my favourite Canadian horror writers Edo Van Belkom. This book above is an awesome little story, that takes a new spin on an old classic. I won't say anything more than that. But Edo has done quite a bit of horror stuff, from young adult horror to mature content like the above book.

And if we are gonna talk about some of my old Canadian chums, Douglas here is a really awesome guy. You'd never guess he was super nice from his fiction, but I tell you, he is one of the sweetest guys going. He still checks up on me every so often through Facebook to see how I'm doing. But the man has written some amazingly creepy shit. He has a twisted sense of humor sometimes too.

And of course, I cannot forget my Big sister Marcy Italiano. If anyone knows the depth of suffering, it's Marcy. She's written horror ranging from books about real-life ghost stories, to personal tales of horror like Pain Machine. She recently came out with a book called Katrina and the Frenchman, which is a real account of her experience being trapped in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina! It's an intense, powerful book. I'd say Marcy's real talent shines when she writes real horror stories like that one.

And that's my list! indie published or mainstream, we Canadians are adding our horror to the genre through fiction. We bring a fresh perspective to the genre, and I hope the more adventurous of you readers will give some of these talents a try. Who doesn't like a good book this time of year to curl up with when things get cold and dark?

Day 27: Monster of the Week: The Ghost

2011-10-27T02:45:00.000-07:00

Spirits. Poltergeists. Apparitions. These are some of the many terms used to describe a creature that literally haunts our lives as ghosts. They are a type of creature caught between the living and the dead. Be they vengeful or sorrowful, they strike terror into our hearts.

We fear them living beside us. We fear them possessing our things, and literally our selves. They invade, they take control. They are undefinable and hard to reason with. Because they can do so many things, be so many of our fears, they are the prefect creature for any horror story. Before the vampire, before the werewolf and even long before the zombie ever struck fear into our psyches, we had stories of ghosts.

Why are they so potent? Why do their tales still get told even to this day? Why is it they strike such fear and fascination? Perhaps because of the questions they make us face. Sure, vampires and zombies are of the undead class, and they make us face the grisly face of death, but spirits take a different angle on this question. They make us ponder life after death, but unlike the shambling hordes or the blood drinkers, more people than not can actually believe more readily in ghost stories. Those of us tied to the idea of having a soul, believe after death it goes somewhere. Or that it should. The idea that it could be trapped here and that there is no peace, especially if something terrible trapped you on this plane, is a horrible concept to a lot of people. Especially those of us who are spiritual. The very word spiritual relates to spirit, and to be a spirit, you must have a soul.

Most horror stories told about ghosts involve such things as possession of an object, such as a house. Then there are the possession of a person tales. Usually some unruly poltergeist is tired of tossing around plates and decides he wants to get "in" on the action. Ghost stories are so versatile they can be done a million different ways. Ghosts speak to a primal part of us that fears what will become of us when we die. They also speak to the parts of us that fear being trapped. Ghosts are usually unwelcomed guests, party crashers and bad reminders of the past. They are the incarnation of our shadows. The best ghost story plays on things such as the trauma of being trapped in a terrible event in time, reliving it over and over, and never finding rest. To be held within a never-ending state of rage, pain, sorrow or fear. The best ghost stories weave those emotions into the tale, making them live again.

And now, on with my selection of a few of my favourite ghostly goodies in the horrorverse...

This book and all it's predecessors were my first taste of well told ghost stories when I was a kid. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark was an amazing young adult series, that still holds up to this day. The artwork alone in these books was chilling. I highly recommend them, if you can get your hands on a copy.

Now I know the image above is from the American remake (which I will add I thought was okay) but the original Japanese version is better of the The Ring. I just think Asian ghost stories are friggen scary as hell. Their ghosts are so vengeful, and so unforgiving. As they should be. I mean, they are usually horribly created through terrible murders, so why wouldn't the spirits be angry and want to drive people mad? And the imagery in Asian ghost stories is creepy shit. I think I wet myself the first time I saw the Japanese version of The Ring.

This lovely lady is from the movie Event Horizon, one of my favourite haunted object stories. Ghost ships can make awesome stories when done right. I'm real picky about my sci-fi, so when sci-fi blends with horror I am all over it. This is one freaky movie. I mean just looking at the picture of this bitch makes me wanna crawl under the covers until she goes away.

It admit it, I liked this movie. I don't love it, but the premise was so neat I just tried to ignore things like the terrible acting on the parts of the living cast and such things. 13 Ghosts was almost an excellent movie. I mean look at the art! I love shit like that. And the house was kinda neat. Some of the ghosts even made me crawl inside my skin for comfort.

And of course I can't forget the original Poltergeist. If we are gonna talk about things that made me stay up all night as a kid, this movie is on that list. I LOVE this movie. It is creepy, and it made me afraid of my TV for days. I got over it eventually when I started getting bored. TV pretty much raised me.

Ghost stories are always going to be around to haunt our lives. They are reminders that emotions have the power to trap us, that the past doesn't stay dead, and that we all fear being stuck on this plane after death. I suppose another round on this rotating ball isn't everyone's idea of a good time. Especially without a body.

Though you could always just steal someone's body...

Day 26: In Kweeny's Gory Kingdom...

2011-10-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

We had our Halloween Pumpkin Massacre! I thought I'd document the event in pictures. I got a pumpkin for me, my roomie, and my hubby Bear. We all got together tonight and slaughtered our pumpkins until they were ready for Halloween! This is my first Halloween living with my husband. We have had Halloween together before, but we never got to do things like pumpkin carving. This year I get to share this tradition. It makes me feel like a big kid again.

On with the photo show!

Bear decides using a butcher knife for the tops of the pumpkins was best. I didn't argue, he had the knife after all.

I thought it would be nice to start a Halloween tradition of watching Nightmare Before Christmas while we gutted our pumpkins.

My roomie Savanna is getting her hands dirty with pumpkin guts...

While I separate the seeds from the guts as best I can, so we can roast them later.

She gets her hands right in there!

Mmmm yummy!

Soaking the seeds in salt water for baking later.

Bear decides to help out. This is his favourite part of the process.

Adding the stencil on for carving. Yup, that's electrical tape. It's what we had on hand.

Jack entertains us in the background while we get messy in the kitchen.

GOOEY PUMPKIN GUTS!!!!

Adding Bear's stencil on with classy electrical tape.

See how much he likes ~~killing~~ carving pumpkins?

I'm working hard on my pumpkin.

See? I really do turn into a kid when I'm carving. :)

Bear's finished pumpkin....yes he is a bit insane folks. He has to be to be married to me.

Savanna and her lovely pumpkin.

Me making out with my pumpkin.

Of course, they look SO MUCH COOLER lit up.

Wicked Witch

The Pumpkin King

Scary Face

And we will have delicious seeds to eat after! WOOT!

I think now we are set for Halloween. How's your preparations going?

Day 25: Kweeny's 15 Favourite Fictional Characters In All Of Horrordom

2011-10-25T00:39:00.000-07:00

This post was inspired by the awesome blogger Final Girl, who is doing her Shocktober event currently. It's pretty spiffy, and since I came in late in the game I decided instead of tossing one pick at her for her event, and because I have too many favorites, I'd just make a list of some of my favs for you readers to enjoy! I decided to stop at 15 so I had a limit and wasn't making a list that never ends! There are just too many awesome characters out there. I'd be at this for a long time if I didn't have a limit.Thanks for the inspiration Final Girl! I tip my hat at you and your awesome blog.

In the spirit of the season, and because long silly titles are fun, I bring you...

KWEENY'S 15 FAVOURITE FICTION CHARACTERS IN ALL OF HORRORDOM

In no particular order:

The Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth

Pinhead and his Crew from the Hellraiser series

Ginger from Ginger Snaps

Sweeney Todd and Miss Lovett from Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd

Nathan Wallace from Repo! The Genetic Opera

The Ship from Event Horizon

John Trent from In the Mouth Of Madness

Dr. Heiter from The Human Centipede

Dr. Decker from Nightbreed

Jigsaw from the Saw series

Eli from Let The Right One In

Jack Torrance from The Shining

Ashley Williams from The Evil Dead series

Carrie White from Carrie

The Thing(s) from The Thing

A well done character can really carry a horror movie. Sometimes, they are the only thing good about a movie, like Dr. Heiter in The Human Centipede. To me he was seriously the best part of that film. In the really good movies though a character shines best, giving us something to relate to, or to fear, or to think about. A good actor makes a good character come to life. I tend to love the monsters in the films, be they human, inhuman or hell, even a possessed ship like in Event Horizon. The more interesting a character is, the more it doesn't matter WHAT the character is. In the end, if it stirs something in me that's what makes it great.

What's some of your favorite horror characters gang?

Day 24: Needful Things: Getting Into Costume

2011-10-24T00:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I decided for my Halloween costume (For those just tuning in I decided to be Kweeny Todd for Halloween.) I would dye my hair to suit it, and because I miss my flaming red hair, tonight my friend Jen came over and helped me dye my hair. I took photos of the process because I thought it would be fun for you to watch my hair change color like a mood ring. I find transformations fascinating. Halloween is all about transformation, rebirth, death and the underworld. So, watch me rise like a phoenix...or just get snazzy flaming hair!

One of the things I love about getting into the spirit of the season is the act of creation. Costumes are fun to create. I like to think of it as playing characters, or to release hidden aspects of yourself. Sometimes it's fun to play a pre-made character, like Sweeney Todd. Sometimes you wanna make your own. Kweeny Todd is my own creation, inspired by my love of Sweeney Todd, among other things. SHE IS MY MONSTER! *cackles madly as lightening explodes behind her* She's a construct of several things I love about horror, with parts of me dwelling within. And with my freshly dyed hair, I feel one more step closer to the TRANSFORMATION! DUN DUN DUN!

Anyhow let me show you the 4 step process that helped create my new hair...

STEP 1: Acquire The Products Needed...

My bleach kit with all it's bits and my red hair dye. Of course stuff not shown is the ratty towel you will need for changing your hair and an old shirt you don't care gets goo on it. There will be goo. There is always goo. I get it on my ears and skin sometimes in small amounts, but it washes off pretty easily. The bleach product was called Raw and the color was Hot Lava from Special Effects.

Step 2: Bleaching Your Hair...

Otherwise known as "The Destruction of the Brown!" You coat your whole head in the bleach product. It has instructions on it so it's real easy. Just follow the instructions, get all those pesky roots, and BAM! Your a blond. And I seriously look hideous as a blonde. ICK! But it's a necessarily evil when you need to transform. These things are a process, like anything good in this life. I look like a super Siayan! Goku eat your heart out!

Here's a picture of Guko when he's Super Siayan. Just in case you've been living in a cave and this blog is the first thing you've ever read on the internet:

Step 3: Saturate Your Head In The Blood Of Your Enemies!

Once you've finished the time consuming process of bleaching your hair, after you let your burning scalp dry it's now time to apply the goo! The fun thing about the color I chose, is when we apply it it looks like friggen blood. I feel like I dipped my head in entrails. Like a nasty redcap fairy, I have dyed my hair in the blood of my victims.

And finally STEP 4: Complete Hair Transformation!

Once you rinse the excess blood out, you let it dry and then see your creation. I am a redhead! Huzzah! So much easier than trying to tap into my psychic abilities and set my hair on fire. I bet Carrie wouldn't have to work as hard as me, being a Super Siayan as she is. But Viola! I am fire-red-bad-assery. My hair will burn down small villages with it's brightness. I am now satisfied and ready for the next phase in Halloween transformation.

I really do think unnatural red hair suits me. What do you think gang?

Day 23: In Kweeny's Gory Kingdom

2011-10-23T04:26:00.000-07:00

I had a very successful horrific day.

It started with my husband and I finding out the mall near us now has a zombie store. You read that right, a store completely themed after zombies. Now I don't know if they will branch out and get other horror stuff, but at the moment there is mostly zombie stuff and Living Dead Dolls. I love Living Dead Dolls. They even had some harder to find dolls at pretty reasonable rates. Almost a steal. I have been looking for this doll here for some time:

I want her mostly because she's hawt and a red skinned demon. I just love her look. She's pretty expensive online, and with shipping even more so. I mean I don't want a used version of her. I want a brand new one. And brand new she can be pricey. I've seen her at 100 smackers.

They had her for 70 bucks. OMFG.

I didn't buy her, but I did pick up a few awesome finds and brought them home.

One was this shower curtain:

Pretty bitchen right? I just love the little Betty Page-like zombie girls.

Super cute! Now my bathroom can be Halloween all year round. YAY!

And I got this awesome shirt:

Not all zombies want brains. Some want boobies. Boooooobiessssss....Gnaaarrrrr....

And my Horror Movie Night was a success! It almost didn't make it. It needed a shot of the T-virus to get it back and shambling! Lots of people canceled, as life seemed to conspire against my movie night. But in the end two couples showed up at different times, so I actually had a movie night that lasted until 4am (hence the posting now!) which to me, is a successful night. I mean, I could have just watched movies with my Bear, but that's no different than most nights. And I like to share the horror with friends. It's how you know I like you. I'm like a giving tree that way. I give the gift of darkness, dread and gore!

We watched Repo! The Genetic Opera, Session 9 and The Mist. Much popcorn and caffeine was consumed. Now I feel prepared for Halloween. I will hopefully manage to do a more in depth post about said zombie store when I have more time and money to visit. Hopefully it won't close down by then.

And with that, I think I'm gonna go fall over into bed. Night night readers.

Day 22: Side Stepping: Kweeny Loves Haunted Houses

2011-10-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

I bet you do too. Who doesn't this time of year? One of these years I'm gonna go all out when I have enough cash to do so. I'm gonna make my place a haunted house paradise of horror! But I can't this year. Things are tight thanks to all the fees we had to spend on getting me here to America.

But that doesn't mean I can't dream! And that you cant enjoy some of the awesome haunted house videos I've been watching as inspiration! Because who doesn't love a haunted attraction this time of year? To see people's creativity come out full force, and hear people scream all girly! (I love it when guys scream like girls.)

Here's a few videos of some awesome haunted houses and attractions I'd visit if I could.

This house here is probably one of the best houses I've seen. Holy crap lightshow Batman! And yes, I was dancing in my seat while watching this.

And of course, if you got the money, why not go to Disney land and see the haunted attractions there? I'd be singing "This is Halloween" the whole time.

I found this video of an old attraction done in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre style. Friggen cool! I wish I had the chance to see it live. I'd crap my pants!

Of course if your a fan of haunted attractions, go to Universal studios around Halloween. They go ALL OUT. It's friggen awesome. This is a video detailing this years attraction. Their version of Lady Luck is pretty much how I see my luck most of the time.

Now I'm gonna go change my undies. I have a horror movie night to prepare for. I figured why not throw a horror movie night a week before Halloween, to get my friends in the spirit. I'll tell you how that went tomorrow.

Day 21: Mad Jester's Top Ten Horror Anime's

2011-10-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

So as I said yesterday, I challenged my Uncle Mad Jester, a man who prides himself on finding the weird shit and then tossing it at me to gnaw on like a dog with a bone. He likes to see the reactions he can stir in me when I watch whatever fucked up shit he has in store. This time I am tossing another bone at him. I want him to do something with his time because, "I need hobbies other than video games and feeding my larva. There's a difference."

So in the hopes of giving him new hobbies, and having someone who can guest blog for me when I need a break, we have another post from the mad man. I told him to make it in the spirit of the season, and since he's more of an anime fan than I am (and he's the reason I found most of the kick ass anime I watch) I figured he'd make a better top ten Horror-Hallweenish-Anime list for you readers than I could make. I promise more posts from me soon. I cant wait to show you my Pumpkin Carving Massacre pics! Those and more are coming up in the final week of my Halloween Countdown!

Enjoy the ride kids.

~Kweeny

Hello again, horror fans and workplace time-wasters! It's-a me, your old pal Mad Jester- horror aficionado, man of letters (mostly angry) and lady-killer (acquitted on all counts), here to introduce to you some slightly different fare. We all know that Asia puts out some quality horror. (I recently watched 4bia, and it made me pee a little.) What many gore-crows might miss out on, however, is a surprisingly large selection of animated ooky. Some of it can be silly, comedic stuff, tangentially connected to the horror genre via commonly occurring themes; some, however can be just as thought-provoking and dread-inducing as one's favourite live-action flick. And so, without further (rambling) ado, I present to you a small sampling of the occult offerings of the Land of the Rising Sun and Used-Panty Vending Machine, with:

Mad Jester's Top Ten Horror-themed Anime

You ready? All strapped in and sedated? Here we go!

10. Yondemasu yo Azazel-san

This one is definitely one of the aforementioned comedy offerings. The title translates as "I summon you, Azazel", and it's about a small-time detective named Akutabe and his assistant Rinko who solve cases with the help of summoned demons, the main one being Azazel, demon lord of lust. This tends to go just about as well as one would expect. Very funny, but there's plenty of blood (mostly Azazel's), and some dark themes are toyed with.

9. Jigoku Sensei Nube (Hell Teacher Nube)

The ghosts, demons and monsters that threaten the students at Domori Elementary have met their match in Meisuke Nueno- Nube to his friends. Homeroom teacher by day, exorcist by night, Nube wields the power of the Demon Hand and the demon prince sealed within it to fight all manner of weird critters and save the day. Again, this one's mostly comedic, but it does introduce viewers to a wide variety of monsters and spirits from Japanese myth and folklore, and some of the fights are pretty badass.

8. Pet Shop of Horrors

This would probably appear lower on the list, except for the fact that there's only four episodes. The show centers around the eccentric and androgynous Count D, owner and proprietor of a very special pet shop. The pets D sells are rare and precious... and always come with a risk. Think Gremlins, only far more gory and moralistic. This is one of those thought-provoking horrors, the kind that makes one question one's definition of 'monster' and wonder if they have the fortitude to avoid making the same mistakes the 'clients' do.

7. High School of the Dead

As Kweeny mentioned, this one is chock-full of fanservice. It's a bit fanservice-y, even for me, and I'm the kind of guy that finds ways to work the phrase "I love boobies" into casual conversation. If you don't mind gratuitous breast-bouncing and panty-shots, this is a really good zombie-apocalypse joint. It touches on some of the lesser-explored aspects of the zombie subgenre, like how battling monsters all day every day can kill your own humanity, and the combination of loneliness and culture-shock that descends once the general populace becomes shambling cannibal cadavers.

6. Mermaid's Forest

The Mermaid's Saga by legendary manga-ka Rumiko Takahashi, adapted into anime. It focuses on the legend that devouring the flesh of a mermaid is said to confer eternal life- to some, while others are deformed into twisted creatures called Lost Souls. The main character, Yuta, has been immortal for five hundred years, and wanders the countryside looking for a cure. Certainly more of a psychological dread than an out-and-out fear-inducer, but fascinating nonetheless.

5. KakuRenBo

After his sister, Sorincha, goes missing during a game of Otokoyo (similar to hide & seek) near the ruins of an abandoned city, Hiroka is next to put on the fox-mask and play, in hopes of investigating the rumours that children are being abducted by demons. Hiroka, with his friend Yaimao, enter the gates to the demon-city to discover the secret behind the missing children. This one's more philosophical, dealing with themes such as humankind encroaching on the natural world (and, by extension, the spirit world).

4. Boogiepop Phantom

Five years after a string of grisly serial killings, a strange pillar of light is seen to shoot down from the sky; one month later, high school students begin disappearing again, and the incidents are being blamed on Boogiepop Phantom (please disregard stupidity of name), an urban legend said to be a personification of Death itself. The anime presents events out of chronological order, with some scenes being shown more than once from different perspectives- the sort of thing that makes you go "Oh, THAT'S how he got there!" and suchlike.

3. Hell Girl

There's a rumour making the rounds, about a mysterious website called Hell Correspondence that only appears at midnight, and if you type in the name of one on whom you seek vengeance, your revenge will manifest... at the cost of your soul. Wonderfully atmospheric and gripping, this title is one that illustrates in stark relief the ugly lengths to which humans will go when pushed hard and far enough, and the ugly things we do to each other out of hand.

2. Hellsing (and Hellsing Ultimate)

NOW we're getting to the really bloody stuff. Alucard, a powerful vampire, is bound to serve Integra Wingates van Helsing,last surviving descendant of Abraham van Helsing, the vampire hunter who defeated the legendary Count Dracula. When incidents of vampire attacks increase in England and around Europe, the Hellsing organization learns of a surviving faction of Nazis planning on rebuilding the Third Reich with a horde of vampire super-soldiers. Some of the fight scenes have to be seen to be believed- Alucard, when he's really mad, doesn't come off 'angry vampire' so much as 'pissed-off Elder God'. It's glorious.

1. Hundred Stories

This is one of my favourite anime of all time. Yamaoka Momosuke is a young writer who has become bored with writing riddle-books for kids, and so he travels into the countryside to collect ghost stories for a compilation he's writing. When Momosuke encounters the Ongyo (a group of travelling spiritualists), he finds himself drawn into the very stories he hopes to write- he learns that ghosts happen for a reason, and when someone does something so terrible that a restless spirit is left behind, only the justice of the Afterlife can mete out appropriate punishment. Exactly the sort of gory, suspenseful morality tale I absolutely adore.

And there you have it, friends and neighbours- my nowhere-near-exhaustive list of horror-themed anime, just in time to completely devour all your free time leading up to Halloween. There's something there for almost every taste. Unless you don't like anime or cartoons, in which case there's just no pleasing you anyway, is there?

Day 20: Genre Talk: Halloween AMV's

2011-10-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, even anime makes some fine horror stuff. I love anime, when it's done well. And there are some bad ass horrific anime out there! I asked my anime expert Mad Jester to introduce you readers to the darker side of anime, but he's still working on that post. What is an AMV you may be asking? Well, Urban Dictionary says:

Short for Anime Music Video made by splicing anime clips to compile them together and publish. Depending on said anime, the video will generally be made by:

1. A glomping fangirl who wish to dedicate their love to their favorite anime character through video

2. A small child who thinks just slapping random Pokémon clips to Linkin Park makes it über-cool (which is wrong in many ways)

3. A casual video editor who puts some average time (and even a little bit money at times) into a normal, fan-made video featuring their favorite music

4. A contest fanatic who still remains behind the border of average anime fandom that puts a great amount of time into the process

So I thought I'd show some neat AMV's people have made in honor of their favorite dark animes. To get us into the spirit. I can feel Halloween approuching...

This awesome video is done to the Marilyn Manson version of This is Halloween with clips from a twisted little anime called Soul Eater. Death recruits "special" children to keep the balance, who carry living weapons with them to fight evil spirits. It's a pretty good show, and gets darker as the show progresses.

This awesome gory vamp anime is non other than Hellsing. It's pretty over the top, and that's what makes it cool. Alucard is one damn scary SOB, as he is the oldest vampire ever and works for this organization called Hellsing. Plus, this AMV is done to Meet the Creeper by Rob Zombie.

This anime is called High School of the Dead. It's pretty fan service for the zombie lovers out there. Lots of T and A, zombies, high school drama, and pretty much that's it. But it's fun in it's own way. The song in this one is Zombies Everywhere by Karate High School. How... appropriate.

This anime is called Death Note. Basically it's about a boy who finds the "Book of Death" and whatever name you write in it, kills that person. Of course, it also attracts him some attention from supernaturals and the like. This AMV is done to Alien Ant Farm's Smooth Criminal.

And this one is called Kuroshitsuji. It's pretty much about a young lord in Victorian England who works as the Queen's catspaw, with the help of his demon butler Sebastian- to whom he has pledged his soul. Sound good? This one is done to AFI's Miss Murder.

And those are just a few to wet your pallet. Also, in the spirit of anime and manga, I found this neat little face maker toy: http://www.faceyourmanga.com/editmangatar.php I did one of myself too:

Anime Kweeny, ready to review stupid crap you'd never watch in a million years!

AND: I made a new fancy banner! Let me know what you think in the comments. I'm not a photo editing expert but I think it's peachy keen!

Day 19: Monster of the Week: The Zombie

2011-10-19T00:14:00.000-07:00

The Undead and Philosophy: Chicken Soup for the Soulless

Shambling Hordes. Walkers. The Restless Dead. These are some of many terms used to describe a specific kind of undead creature that we know universally as The Zombie. They are rotted corpses somehow reanimated. They are never conventionally beautiful (but sometimes they are alluring despite the fact they will eat our brains), and more often than not inspire dread and repulsion because they are slowly decaying. Fast moving or slow, the fact remains that Zombies are always hungry and always relentless.

Now is the time of the zombie. Zombies have become The Monster of the Decade. They are more popular than even vampires in my opinion, and the growing hordes of media that is spreading through the genre related to them only proves my point further. The dead have risen and they demand to be fed. They are in our movies, our music, our tv shows, books and comics. They are everywhere. They even have Zombie Walks across the country, which is something you don't see any other monster getting.

What draws us so heavily to them? They never need to sleep. They shamble about mindlessly, with only limited intelligence at best. They have no real power other than to feed and to rot. They were once your wife, your husband, your kid, your best friend...

That's just it isn't it? Anyone can be a zombie. Zombies are the common man. Sure you could say the same thing about any supernatural, but it's more likely and easier to become a zombie than it is to be say, a vampire. Most supernaturals don't "spread their curse" as widely as zombies do, probably due to the fear that they would run out of food. Since zombies don't usually retain intelligence enough to understand or care about that fact, they just keep on eating. So within the realm of zombie-possibility we can all be zombies.

And that's part of the fear they generate too. They are mindless. For some of us, to loose our ability to think, to feel, to care about anything but eating, is horrible. Zombies make great statements on our society too. The consuming of everything. The fact they EAT anyone living, regardless of what you make, where you live, what color your skin is, etc. They are the grand equalizer. The weak will become dead, and the strong will survive. That's the only defining line.

George A. Romero brought zombies out of the realms of magic and voodoo and turned them into accessible creatures. He used them to make statements, accidental or not, on our modern world. Sometimes people like to explain where zombies come from, be it magic, virus, mutation or whatever. But in the end, the point really is that the dead fascinate us. There is a need these days to play with the fantasy of the zombie. We want a monster we can kill. A monster who's anonymous enough we can put whatever we want on it, and a monster who is prefect fodder to propel us into thinking about the big questions. The zombie is a catalyst, and a great one, because he is easily molded into whatever we need him to be. Hell, gender doesn't matter either. As long as it was human once.

Because in the end we all will die. We all will rot. We all wonder were our spark goes when we die, and if anything is left behind. What if only the most primal aspect of our natures is the only thing left to reanimate? What if in the end, all we really are is animals when you strip everything else away?

Okay I'll shamble off my soapbox! Here's a list of some of my favourite Zombie stuff out there:

This is an awesome book. It doesn't just look at zombies, there's a bit on vampires too, but it's a great book for giving you things to ponder when it comes to the undead. Such questions you might find in it's pages are:

"Are some of the people we know really Undead—and how could we tell? If the Undead have been programmed to hunt the living, can we blame them? Are vampires more morally responsible than zombies? Is an Undead individual the same person as before his Undeath? Do zombies have minds? Do the Undead have a right to Undeath under the Ninth Amendment, or would it be murder to Unkill them?"

If you want something entertaining, and that will make you think, pick up this book.

Speaking of books, I also enjoyed:

Not only is this book filled with beautiful colorful images of the shambling masses, the writer really knows her stuff. She covers everything from when zombies first entered western culture to the growing movement of zombie walks! It's pretty through. But what do you expect from and X-Editor of Rue Morgue Magazine.

Of course, since the Premiere happened a couple nights ago, we cannot forget this show:

This is the show zombie fans have been waiting for. It's full of zombie win. Everything is well done in this show. I'm kinda unsure how I feel about the deviation they did from the comic in season 1, but I know my husband hated it. He wants his zombies to stay in the realms of the "unknown" and I have to agree. I like my zombie stories to be about the people dealing with the zombies, and one of the neat things to watch is when the living try to figure out why the dead walk. I loved the comic because it never tries to explain why the zombies rose. All you get are the livings questions about it.

And if I had to choose my all time favourite zombie movie (just so you folks don't have to read pages of my favourite zombie stuff) I'll choose the original black and white Night of the Living Dead:

Not only is it a classic, it made very potent statements for it's time. The fact that Romero didn't even intend to make those statements makes it better. In several interviews I've heard him say how he just chose the black man as a lead because he was a good actor. Not because of his skin color. He wasn't trying to make a statement, but despite that he did. There is a sort of innocence about that. To hear him say he chose a man based on his talents alone warms my heart. If only more people in Hollywood did the same.

The Living Dead make us face our own humanity. Forcing us to face ourselves, before they devour us whole. When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. ~Dawn of the Dead

What about you readers? Do you like your zombies fast or slow? Brain-eating or just all around flesh-eating? I like all of the above myself. I like variety, and I am mostly drawn to a good story when it comes to my zombies over anything else. I want a REASON to be hanging out with the dead. If you give me a good reason, I'll read your book, watch your film, or shamble with you in a Zombie Walk.

Day 18: Canadian Content: CANDY CANDY CANDY

2011-10-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

Nothing says Halloween like candy. If there is anything all holidays have in common it's the fact they all have a food associated to them. Candy is Halloween's food. At least it has become so thanks to consumer culture.

Kids and adults alike LOVE candy. Sugar is a pretty popular substance. Even those of us who are supposed to limit our sugar intake know we are missing out on something awesome when it comes to candy. It's fun, it's colorful, and it's tasty. I figured it would be fun if I shared with you my favourite Canadian Halloween candies, and what I believe is the worst Candy ever made. At this time of year, you get all your treats bite size and plenty of them. And I am a chocoholic. I love pretty much anything chocolate related. So my specialty is chocolate.

Some of my favourite chocolate I can't get this side of the border. Such chocolates I miss from my country are:

I love these silly little Canadian chocolate bars. They have little bubbles of awesome in them and melt sweetly in your mouth. Otherwise they are pretty much solid milk chocolate. Sometimes, you just want the simple things. Have you felt the bubbles melt?

I also miss these colorful guys, Smarties. In the USA, when I mention Smarties people think I am talking about these:

Which is not the same thing. In Canada, we call the little sugar candies here Rockets. The chocolate Smarties are kinda like M&M's, except the shell is thinner and the chocolate tastes different. When you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last?

I also miss these little guys...

Delicious coffee flavoured wafers covered in milk chocolate. You'd think America would be all over something like that, with all the coffee around here. I have never seen so much coffee anywhere! But sadly, these are a Canadian delicacy. Do you like your coffee crisp? No, I like my Coffee Crisp!

This little melt in your mouth bar of delicious winsauce is filled with caramel and when you bite into it, it just fills your mouth with yummy caramel goo. I seriously loved these things. What is the Caramilk Secret?

And those are a few of my favourite Canadian chocolates I miss. I love lots of different types of Halloween Candy though, from gummy worms, to totsie pops. Yummy! But if there is one Halloween candy I just detest out of them all, it has to be these:

Does ANYONE actually like this crap? Candy Corn...ICK! It's disgusting and it's everywhere this time of year. It's the fruit cake of the season. They make tons of it, and I swear they make it out of the wax off the ends of used candles. I'd like to think they are made of wax from evil ritual candles, because that would be cool, but it's likely ear wax. It looks and tastes like ear wax! Cheap bastards! It's the worst thing about Halloween. Even Lewis Black thinks so:

"Candy Corn! Corn that tastes like Candy! I cant wait...SON OF A BITCH!"

You hit the nail on the head Lewis. If only we could keep Candy Corn buried in a coffin six feet deep.

Day 17: Kweeny (and Mad Jester) Review....

2011-10-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

HARD ROCK ZOMBIES

(may contain spoilers...if anyone is crazy enough to watch this movie and cares)

I tried looking for brain bleach, but instead, I was given Hard Rock Zombies to watch by my dirty uncle Mad Jester. Mad Jester and I go way back to the good old days, when we watched horror until the sun came up and played Table Top RPG's before they were cool. (I dunno if they are really even cool now, but they are definitely cooler than they were when we were young and drunker) He's one of the few people in this world who can stomach the crap I stomach. So when I ask him to find me the worst piece of tripe ever plastered on film I need to be careful what I wish for. Because like me, he will find the worst of the worst. And now it's even easier to find trash thanks to the internet.

So in a moment of insanity trying to relive the good old days, and because it's tradition for me to watch crappy schlock in the spirit of Halloween, we decided it would be "fun" to do a joint review of the worst movie we could find. Here you go readers...enjoy the roller coaster.

Mad Jester: rueful grin Let's get this shit biscuit over with so's I can get back to killing the memory of it with scotch. Hope you brought your barf bags.

Kweeny Todd: I didn't bring enough to go around, so people are going to have to share. Tonight, we will eviscerate for the readers the horrible travesty that is Hard Rock Zombies. Shall we begin my old chum?

MJ: Oh, let's do. And then let's never speak of it again.

KT: Fair deal. Why don't we start by reading the description of the film. I know when I read it I laughed my tits off.

MJ: All righty then... adjusts his horn-rimmed 3D glasses Quoth D.A. Kellough for IMDB:
"A hard rock band travels to the tiny and remote town of Grand Guignol to perform. Peopled by hicks, rubes, werewolves, murderous dwarves, sex perverts, and Hitler, the town is a strange place but that doesn't stop the band's lead singer from falling in love with a local girl named Cassie. After Nazi sex perverts kill the band to satisfy their lusts, Cassie calls the rockers back from the grave to save her, the town, and maybe the world."

Somewhere, Ed Wood's ghost is saying "Krishna Shah, my hat goes off to you."

KT: Oh Cassie. The underaged girl of your dreams.

MJ: Holy crap, I kept half-expecting the cop to say to Jessie, "You want a reason you can't play in our town? How about you're under arrest for statutory rape, son!"

KT: I know! Was it just me, or did you think Rockso the Rock and Roll Clown too when you saw that sequence with them on stage as zombies singing to her?

MJ: Seriously! Their makeup does not say 'undead', it says 'Zazz Blammymatazz'! Which may or may not have been the point. I was kinda punchy by that point in the movie.

KT: cackles Too true. Before we get too ahead of ourselves lets go back a bit. Now, when you hear that description Mad Jester, what do you think? Before you even saw the movie?

MJ: I thought, "The mind that came up with this is either a) a comedic genius, or b) a horror 'writer' who ate lead paint chips as a kid." It's just... zombies, hicks, Nazis, werewolves... it's all over the place. Like he asked his buddies to write down a bunch of 'scary stuff' on pieces of paper and drew them at random out of a bag!

KT: It was ridiculous! I don't even think the writer knows how to spell the word PLOT. Putting too many things into one movie does not distract us from the fact it MAKES NO SENSE. And HITLAR? WTF MAN! Why the fucking Nazi's? Just because they are "BAD"?

MJ: I think that's it entirely. Nazis are acceptable targets, so let's put 'em in there to be eviller than zombies a hurr hurr hurr. And speaking of evil, let's talk about the scene at the beginning where they're performing on stage. No, you're not hearing things- the music track really is playing at two different places at the same time. It's like the sound guy and the editor were trying to out-shitty each other.

KT: That was fucking horrible! I think the sound guy and the editor were on a bender while working on this film. I mean, one scene literally cuts out right in the middle of someone's speech!

MJ: And who can blame 'em? I'd need a fifth of whiskey just to sleep at night, knowing I let loose this kaka on an unwitting populace!

KT: Seriously! Oh man, I still can't get over the fact Hitlar is hiding out in this little hick town in California. California of all places! And who in their right mind would ever EVER book a band in such a crappy location? No fucking sensible talent agent would go out there to watch a crappy nobody band! So it really made no sense why they NEEDED to play there.

MJ: Apart from the aforesaid Miss Jailbait 1985. And she specifically told them not to.

KT: She was honestly the smartest character in this film. Which is sad. She's not that smart. But next to the rest of the cast she's a fucking Light Bright, spelling out, "Leave this stupid town so the movie can end now. Kthanxbai!"

MJ: "Oh, Jessie, I'll always love you. Despite the fact that we met three days ago, and you only knew my name for two of them."

KT: When your 14 you fall in love easily. "Oh my God a guy with 80's hair looked at me. I'm in love!"

MJ: Ah, Jessie's Mighty Mullet of Manliness +4 Versus Underage Gooch.

KT: It was hilarious! I think I almost spit my Mountain Dew all over the TV when I first saw him.

MJ: For my money, the funniest one in the band was Chuck the Drummer. I swear I fell off the couch laughing for that line: "OWWWWWW! Mama! Have MERCY!"

KT: cackles You know what else was funny? When they turned into Kiss zombies. Bad makeup for the win. And rock music is evil kids. It makes "ghouls." It's like the movie didn't want to use the word zombies. That was confusing. Your title is clearly HARD ROCK ZOMBIES. Stick with the zombie label.

MJ: Oh, they're not zombies, though. They're ghouls, because they're afraid of heads.

KT: The scene with the 80's giant cutout heads was hilarious! FEAR MEGA PRINCE HEAD!

MJ: "I am the Giant Yarn-Outlined Head of Jimi Hendrix! Begone from this place, unconvincing creature of greasepaint and plastic vampire teeth!"

KT: Yup. I just don't know what they were thinking while making this movie. Calling your creatures zombies on the cover means we expect to see zombies. And then calling them ghouls throughout the film makes them a different creature! Sure, there are correlations...I suppose adding all the fucked up shit in the film as they did, it didn't occur to them to have things like oh, continuity. I mean they turned Ava Braun into a werewolf...

MJ: Who has time for continuity when we're watching a misshapen dwarf eat himself?

KT: OMFG, that part of the film made my husband Bear loose his shit. "He's eating his own face! Without any arms!" I almost peed myself laughing.

MJ: Love how he thought his feet tasted fine sans garnish, but apparently his intestines needed a spoonful of sugar.

KT: cackles Poor Bear. I don't think he will ever forgive me for forcing him to watch that movie with me. "That is the most pointless thing I've ever done."

MJ: I suppose we shouldn't ask him to tag along if ever we do one of these for Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama , huh? *winks*

KT: I don't ask. I just tell him to sit with me. So I have more people to share the pain. When you're watching Hitlar Zombie go around chasing people with cardboard cut-out giant heads, you need someone to hold your hand. Listening to Bear whimper was the highlight of watching Hard Rock Zombies.

MJ: Not me. I got to watch that soul-scorching assblast all by myself. Which I'm pretty sure makes me the manliest man on the planet. I'm expecting my championship belt next week, Chuck Norris.

KT: snicker I'll make you one out of cardboard and crayons sometime.

MJ: And glitter. Best not forget my glitter.

KT: I wont. smirks Okay, lets try to find something good about this film. If you had to pick the best moment of the film, which would it be for you?

MJ: Oh, Jebus, time to play Find the Nickle in the Bucket of Shit. Let's see... E.J. Curcio's singing voice isn't bad. And I got a chuckle out of Hitler sing-songing 'Piss and pus, piss and pus!'

KT: That was pretty funny! Half the time I thought they were poking fun at themselves in the film, the other half I think they took themselves too seriously. For me, it was the dwarf eating himself halfway through the film. That comical cartoon slurp when he sucks his face in was priceless!

MJ: Yep. Just the world's hungriest, least-convincing skull on a checkered tablecloth. But you're right- if they'd gone balls-out, Troma-grade don't-give-a-fuck, this could've been a masterwork of a genre parody. But I think for some reason someone on the crew list actually thought this was a serious movie, so the spell was broken.

KT: It's sad really. So much potential to be in the grade of silly-awesome-B-movie crap. Instead it's...well... Hard Rock ASS. I'd have had a better time putting my face in a meat grinder.

MJ: And the result would've been less vomit-inducing.

KT: Truly. Oh well. Time to pull out the scotch and forget we ever watched this! Kweeny pulls out two glasses and pours the shots Thanks for being a guest blogger/reviewer! Any final thoughts?

MJ: Yeah. If you see anyone wearing a mullet, shoot them. They might be a zombie, but either way there's one less mullet-wearer. knocks back a shot

KT: HEAR HEAR! knocks back one with the Jester And thank you readers for continuing to read my madness here on Kweeny Todd! I aim to entertain, and if I fail to do that, I make a horrible mess and hide the bodies! Happy Halloween!

Day 16: Genre Talk: Putting The Cheese In Horror

2011-10-16T02:34:00.000-07:00

We all do it. Hell, even people who don't like horror do it. We all have watched a bad movie. And I'm not talking the kind of bad movies that make fun of themselves. Like Dead and Breakfast or Cannibal the Musical. These movies are done purposely bad for a lark. They are fun because they aren't taking themselves seriously and there is merit to the humor they bring. No...I'm talking about the REALLY bad movies. The ones that tried to take themselves seriously and were just awful. Like Night Crawler, or the first Leprechaun. If you've seen these I bet your trying to not vomit in your mouth right now. You know why they are terrible. If not, you've spared yourself the indignity of wasting time on such drivel.

Finger Licking Good!

Some of us have a sickness, an "illness" if you will, that causes us to seek out such films and subject ourselves to them. I guess it's a kind of masochism. No need for a sexy PVC clad dominatrix when all you need to do is pop in Nude for Satan. Feast your eyes on hours of pointless nudity and gore and hope by morning you forget the whole experience ever happened.

I admit it, I am one of these fools. I have the illness. I suppose my reasons are the following: They are my "escape" time. My no-brainer entertainment. Some people watch The Hills. I watch bad horror movies. They also remind me of my childhood, when I stayed up with horror hosts and they played the worst B movie shite ever squatted out on film. Maybe it's also the fact it gives me something to put my critic hat on. I love bitching about a terrible movie I've just seen, especially to like-minded folks. They make great conversation starters for those that love horror. You can screen someone really well by telling them you saw Manos: The Hands of Fate or Hellraiser: Hellworld by choice. Sometimes I honestly watch a film to see if it can get any worse, or if it will actually get better. It's like watching a car accident. You hope that the person trapped inside might get lucky and the car will tip over so they can crawl out, or you hope it wont explode while the driver is still stuck inside. You really hope for better. But if it gets worse...you just cant turn away. Maybe so someone witnessed it at least. So it wasn't a complete waste.

There are several reasons why a film is complete ass-crackers. The plot might have been written by a drunk chimp who thinks he's a prolific writer. I hate this shit. Or the pacing tried to cram so much garbage into 90 mins of screen time that you don't know what the hell is going on. Or maybe the movie had bad editing. I've seen movies where they literally cut to the next scene in the middle of a guy still talking! How about when the acting is so bad you want to run sandpaper on the actors face to see if he can have a real fear reaction now! The list of movie screw ups are endless.

Remember Battlefield Earth? If not, you're lucky. This piece of fart stink was based off what I've been told is a good novel. Sadly, I've never had the desire to read the novel thanks to seeing this movie. These crappy movies just keep getting made. No one ever learns! As a reviewer it's our job to sit through these mind-melting-zombie-spittle movies and hope, pray that we are not wasting our time. You eventually develop a thick skin about it. A numbness to it, and a sort of sick joy. Because you know later, you can tear the crap to pieces! It's the only solace we get in the end. The only way to hopefully inspire people to make better stuff.

I have seen a lot of movies. More than I'd like to admit. Some good, others terrible. I can't help but think movie makers make more bad movies within the horror genre than any other genre. Is it because horror is easy to cut ones teeth on in filmmaking? Or is it because horror fans expect bad horror over good horror? Perhaps we should demand more good movies to be made in our genre, so we don't have to wade through so much crap all the time! I don't mind the occasional bad horror movie. It will always be at least more entertaining than anything made by MTV, and it will make me appreciate the funny-bad movies, or really good movies. You need something to compare I suppose. Sometimes I can find nuggets of WTF within a bad movie that makes it all worthwhile. Like this weird little cat ghoulie from the movie Ghoulies:

Seriously look at his eyes! WTF man! He's like a cracked-out little turd with fur! I can't stop laughing when I watch Ghoulies! It's fucking TERRIBLE! (Also more proof that cats are EVIL)

Whatever the reason, bad movies are a part of any genre. Especially horror. And I will tell you, one of my Halloween Traditions is to watch a few before the month of October is out. I got one real doozy I'm gonna review later, and I'll have a guest reviewer to help me! Stay tuned for that.

In the meantime, I need me some brain bleach.

Day 15: Kweeny Krafts: Past Halloween Costumes

2011-10-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

Costuming is one of many awesome parts of this holiday. It's the one time of year you can be creative, embrace your inner weirdo and no one looks at you strangely. And if they do, you might get props for the "cool costume." Of course I don't mind dressing up whenever the urge hits me, but it's far easier to find cool bits of costuming cheap at this time of year.

I have lots of assorted photos from costumes I've done. Some were fancier than others, but all of them I had a good time putting together. I thought I'd put a photo collage together for your viewing enjoyment!

Dead Girl, Zombie Me, V, Baron Samedi with Leslee

Little Devil, Delirium, Death Angel, Hela

Frankie's Monster and his Bride

And dudes, I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier! Kweeny Todd IS Canadian because I'M Kweeny Todd! I can use one costume for two parties! (plus I am pretty broke and can only afford one costume this year) In all honestly, Canada loves its horror. Kweeny Todd, the Canadian Horror Blogger extraordinaire! DOUBLE REPRESENT!

I bet Kweeny Todd would have made a kick ass persona for a Horror Hostess too.

Day 14: Kweeny Reviews: American Scary

2011-10-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

Dr. Gangrene and Count Gore DeVol

Every horror fan has their favourite horror host. From Vampira to Dr. Gangrene, they are a part of the genre's history. They gave you a "friend", someone who'd stay up with you late at night past your bedtime and would talk to you about the movie. Someone just as geeky and weird as you, who would ham it up and make the movie experience fun. It made watching the really terrible movies worthwhile, if the horror host was entertaining enough.

The movie American Scary is a walk down memory lane. It reminds us of all our favourite horror hosts, from the matron of horror Vampira to the lesser known hosts. People who dressed up in crazy costumes, created memorable characters, and let you have a little extra fun with your horror show.

Vampira feeds her pumpkin

And I tell you, sometimes you really needed that host to come along for the ride. Horror hosts made the B-movie schlock you were watching worth staying up for. Sometimes they preformed crazy stunts, sometimes they just looked incredibly sexy and enchanted you to stay. Sometimes they were like an old friend who would tell you exactly what was on his or her mind. They'd say, "This movie is dreck!" and you'd nod your head at the screen like they were right there in your living room beside you.

This movie looks deeply into the horror host legacy. It shows how each of the characters brought their own unique flavour to the hosting gig, but it also shows how they were all connected. Why they were important and what we lack now that they are a dying breed. They gave us something to talk about. They were local and in your home town. Horror hosts once were like famous icons. In the horror circuit, they were our friends. We still flock to booths to get signed autographs with them, and we still love them when we find them. But people are just not doing the hosting as much anymore.

It's not a flashy documentary, and that's a good thing. It's just an honest look at the genre of horror hosting, and it's almost a sort of love letter to horror hosts.

If you miss and love the Horror Hosts, and you want to see a cameo by Neil Gaiman (OMFG!) totally check out this film.

You know, if I knew how to do it, I think I'd make a fine Horror Host. I just don't have a public access channel...I also found a fun little site with horror hosts all listed alphabetically. Check out Horrorhosts.com and go find info on your favourite horror host!