Tuesday, 16 December 2014

CREEPMAS BLEEDINGS: MAD JESTER AND KWEENY DISCUSS HOLIDAY HORROR

CREEPY GREETINGS READERS! Mad Jester has crawled his ass out of Arkham Asylum to come hang out with me today. HUZZAH! I haven't seen the bugger in way too long, so I made sure to tie his straight jacket down so he would stay put long enough for a talk! While we were chatting about our favorite holiday movies like Bad Santa, Nightmare Before Christmas, Black Christmas, Rare Exports and Santa's Slay, we then had this "inspired" idea about new horror holiday classics that should get made, and started making up our own Holiday Horror movie concepts.

I know. We are insane. One day we will have a podcast, and you can enjoy the actual sounds of us snickering and laughing like idiots as we share ideas.

For now you can just read it. Here is what that conversation looked like:

 Kweeny Todd: So let's list off some of our ideas for new holiday "classics. I'll start: Pinhead Saves Christmas...

Description: Santa finds one of his elves playing with a strange box. He takes it and examines it, only to accidentally open the box, killing Santa with its hooks. Pinhead comes out and in Doug Bradley's amazing voice he says dryly, "Shit, I think we killed Santa. The higher ups aren't going to like this."

 Mad Jester: The Female Cenobite goes, "Chatterer, with your teeth so bright, won't you guide our slaying, tonight?"

Kweeny Todd: And Pinhead, without blinking, grabs the Santa hat, put's it on his head awkwardly, and sighs, "We have such presents to deliver."

Mad Jester: And cut to a scene of kids opening presents on Chistmas morn that makes the scene from Nightmare Before Christmas seem wholesome and benign. *chuckles*

Kweeny Todd: LOL! YES! I'm sold on the movie.
Okay, the next one you mentioned you wanted was Santa's Slay 2! How do you envision that movie? 

Mad Jester: Pretty well writes itself, I think; Bill Goldberg's back as everyone's favourite bringer of yuletide fear, and he's come for revenge on friggin' Nicolas. Because let's face it- if I were shockblocked by that little nebbish, it would be a stain on my pride that could only be washed away with his blood and tears.

Nic and Mary get hitched after the events of the first one, some dumb goth kid summons Santa back from Hell, and he goes on a killing-spree until he gets to their cozy small-town home, and drags them back to Hell with him. Ten outta ten, three thumbs up. *grins evilly*

Kweeny Todd: And more wrestling moves, and evil reindeer-monster racing (I always wanted to see Santa challenge some hot shot in a racing car, kicking his ass after the race) and more horrible Santa puns!

This movie practically writes itself!

Mad Jester: See? It needs to happen. Citizens demand Goldberg piledriving some pimply weasel through the hood of his Daddy's car!

Kweeny Todd:  Exactly! I got another one for ya... SAW: The Christmas Special!
Jigsaw is tired of people not valuing the spirit of Christmas...

"People are so ungrateful for the gifts they receive. But not you, not anymore."

"You got an iPhone from your mother, and it was an older version than that of what you asked for. But you cried and had a hissy fit, making everyone uncomfortable at Christmas. Now you have a choice..."
Mad Jester: OH! Christmas with Jigsaw! A variety-type holiday special, with musical guests Slipknot and GWAR, where a bunch of these ungrateful "my parents got me the wrong iPhone for Christmas, they're such assholes" kids get put into 'games' where they either demonstrate that they know what Christmas is actually about... or they die. (I see a large viewership for that one.)  

"...Take the phone from the Nutcracker's mouth and lose a hand, or drown in 300 gallons of hot eggnog. Live or die... make your choice." JEBUS I hope someone from Twisted Pictures sees this. 

Kweeny Todd: RIGHT? Come on, the people demand this!

Mad Jester: Much rather see that than that CGI Rudolph monstrosity again. *shudder* Honestly, are we TRYING to get Rankin and Bass to spin in their graves?

Kweeny Todd: Truth. Every damn year we drag that shit out from the abominable grave and try to pass it off as festive. You know what would be more festive? Night of the Living Zombie Jesus!

Mad Jester: Seriously! He could shamble around, terrorizing the kids, until some brave little girl hands Him a present and says "Happy birfday, Mister Jesus", and he stops rampaging and gives her a hug and everyone feels Christmas' warm, glowing, warming glow. (And then Zombesus takes a bite out of the kid's head just before it fades to black.)


Kweeny Todd: It's brilliant! 

How about the forgotten Jason Voorhees movie: Jason X-Mas: Jason takes Santa's Workshop. 

 Mad Jester: Hell, couldn't be worse than Jason in Space. *chuckles* Lessee... two elves on break start fucking in the broom closet, and Jason crashes through the window to impale them on a sharpened candy cane. Cue title card. The elves get spooked and split up (because of course they do), and start dropping like flies. Santa implores the Big Guy to knock it off, reminding him of happy Christmases spent with his loving mother...

...and then he remembers her death at Camp Crystal Lake, snaps, and clubs Santa to death with a wrapped baseball bat.

Just the right amount of pathos mixed in with the carnage. 


Kweeny Todd: It's a heart warming...heart ripping tale!

Mad Jester: One of these days one of us is gonna win the lottery, or devour a rich person, and then we'll get some quality holiday movies made. *beams*

Kweeny Todd: I really need to stop devouring random people. I don't exactly get to control my werewolf change, but maybe point me at a rich person next time there's a full moon! Then we will have the budget we need to make more horror Christmas movies!

Mad Jester: There's clearly a demand, now we just need to rustle up the ducats to fill it. (Even if the demand is just us.)

Kweeny Todd: We can be very demanding though.

Mad Jester: And very, very persuasive. Especially if we've got knives. (Pretty, pretty knives...)

Kweeny Todd: *sharpens her razors and grins wickedly*


So that was our...festive discussion on Holiday Horror! What sort of ideas do you readers have for Creepy Christmas movies? I mean, we horror fans love being festive...in our own way. *steeples fingers*

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Kweeny Reviews: Tusk

WARNING: WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!


I am a fan of Kevin Smith, but even I have to admit he has some hit and misses. Even in his misses, there are parts that shine, but if the good points of the film are far overshadowed by the outright horrible, then I gotta say something.

And I am gonna be brutal here, because I do love Kevin Smith. I know he can do better.

Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't HATE Tusk. But it felt like I was watching an ALMOST awesome movie. It didn't completely win me over, but it had a lot of good parts to it. But when I watch a movie that is set in Canada, but it's made by an AMERICAN, I am going to be harsher on it than other movies. Because you are setting your tale in MY stomping ground. I'll call you on your shit if you get your Canadian-isms wrong, hoser!


The movie starts off pretty funny, and darkly humorous. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed the self-referential shots that Kevin Smith was clearly taking at himself with the whole Podcast thing, and the main character just being a huge dick of an American to Canadians. That was spot on. Canadians DO hate it when Americans act like twats when they visit, and Americans DO have a habit of treating us like simpletons because they don't understand our ways. And we WILL take shots right back at you if you can't behave yourself while visiting.

But some of the jokes about Canada were clearly from the point of view of an American trying to sell us on what he thinks the Canadian way of life is. Those jokes fall flat and are LAME. Yeah haha, mention Tim Hortons. THAT HASN'T BEEN DONE BEFORE. Oh and don't forget the crazy Hockey jokes! OH BOY I AM JUST STUNNED AT THE COMEDY GENIUS KEVIN SMITH! And let's have a really bad Quebecer investigator who is a complete bad sterotype of French-Canadians, and also add an ignorant  Winnipeg cop who tells Wallace's friends who go looking for him that, "Canada doesn't have crime."


Really Kevin Smith? 

Canada loves a good joke. Don't get me wrong. We love comedy, just listen to some of our radio stations the moment you cross the border. And look at how many comedians we have that have crossed over! We love a good laugh, and we don't mind being made fun of.

We just want the jokes to be actually funny.


Yes, for me, the bad Canadian references took me out of the movie more than the weird ass story and creature. I have seen Human Centapide, I know what they were trying to do with Tusk. Oh look at our crazy ass creature idea! It's like Night of the Triffids but with more grotesque effects! The crazy old guy (Howard Howe) who makes our main character into Mr.Tusk has a really interesting backstory, and is well acted by Michael Parks. He comes off as completely nuts but somewhat sympathetic. His weird obsession with the Walrus makes sense when you hear how horrible his life has been, and that the only thing that ever gave him comfort was a walrus. His character is off his fucking rocker, no question! But I didn't have any sympathy for the main character Wallace. Wallace is so shallow that when he goes through the harrowing transformation, the emotional impact of it all is one sided. I didn't care about Wallace. I cared about Howard Howe. 


I really wanted to love this movie. I really did. 

There are some really awesome scenes, the effects are alright, and some strong performances from some of the cast. But the movie is almost good. I don't hate it, and when the jokes actually are good they made me laugh my ass off, but the tone was all over the place and it was very obvious Kevin Smith should stick to writing what he knows about: New Jersey.

The ending would have been so much more meaningful if the rest of the film didn't feel so disjointed.


Thursday, 27 November 2014

NEEDFUL THINGS: Don't Miss These Deals From Sick and Tiled!


So you all know from my recent review of Sick and Tiled's stuff, that I love them. I'm as I type this using my puzzle box coaster to hold my drink. Bazooka Jen asked if I would get the word out about her upcoming promo stuff, so here's the low down if you are interested in your own collection of awesome horror decor:


SICKandTILED on Etsy UPCOMING DEALS: On THANKSGIVING: use the code THANKSKILLING2014 to get 20% OFF your order! BLACK FRIDAY: Receive FREE SHIPPING on coaster sets of 4 or 15% OFF everything else in the shop. On SAT & SUN, get 10% OFF store wide. CYBER MONDAY get 25% all orders!!!


And the giveaway will consist of having a photo of the prize being commented on throughout the weekend. Last person who comments on Monday night will when that prize. So, it's super important for everyone to make sure they "LIKE" SICKandTILED on FB (www.facebook.com/sickandtiled ) for updates and to enter. These will make great gifts for the upcoming Creepmas season!
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