Monday, 26 March 2012

Needful Things: Animals For The Gory Kingdom

So I'm contemplating getting some kind of critter I can care for. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I haven't had a pet in many years, and the last thing I owned were rodents. Even then, I was allergic to them. I have an allergy to all things with fur, especially cats. You may remember my rant about the topic, if not let me direct you to it and summarize it in one phrase: KATS ARE EBIL, and I HATE being allergic to pretty much EVERY-FUCKING-THING.

*inhales* So with that said, I need to be particular about any sort of pet I do own. I have to be very choosy, not that being such is a bad thing. I think taking the time to carefully consider a pet is important. You gotta take care of the thing, and if you are not ready, you could hurt and or kill the poor bugger. It's a responsibility, like having a kid. 

 So here is a list of pets I have considered worthy of joining the dysfunctional family here at Kweeny's Gory Kingdom:

Creepy cat is CREEPY!
Now, despite the fact I know cats are inherently evil and will dominate us with their mind powers some day, I  have found a breed of cat I adore. These creepy-ass monstrosities are called Sphinx's and I friggen love them. I love them for a couple reasons. 1) They are known to be hypo-allergic, with only the faintest peach-fuzz for hair, and are bred for people like me who are allergic to the world. 2) It's fucking UGLY. I find it charming because it looks like a little monster cat. It's just completely WEIRD looking, and somehow carries this aura of WRONG about it. A walking testament that humanity likes to fuck with nature and make it hideous and frightening. Like nature needs help with that one!

Come on Kweeny, take me home, I DARE YA!
The only thing I can think of that would suck about these critters is that they are high maintenance. And I don't want a cat that is a child. I don't want any pet that needs me too much and can't be independent. To some degree all animals will need you, but these things are worse than normal cats. And they will be cold all the time, so they will always wanna cuddle you. I hate needy people! I've dumped many a partner for that shit. (of both genders even, as needy people come in all shapes, genders and sizes!)

Convenient travel-size pet!
Next on my list of potential pets, is these little guys. Yay furry Tarantula! I just love spiders, and find these things fascinating and cute. Yes, I think it's cute. It's a vulnerable, small critter that fits in the palm of your hand! And like me, it's gotten a bad rap just because it's a little different. Despite what movies make you believe, these kinds of spiders can't kill you with a bite. Sure, it hurts and irritates you (And if you have an allergy you might have problems), but they are safe to have as pets. I don't really mind either the whole feeding live bait thing that some folks complain about. I'd find it intriguing to watch it eat it's prey. Of course, even if I didn't, I could always go the route some folks do by giving it frozen crickets and shit. I think that's wimping out really, and part of the fun of having a pet like this is observing it's behavior.

(I was a tarantula God-mother once. True story! I encouraged a friend to get one for spiritual reasons...)

Yay tentacles!
Another really cool pet idea is an Octopus. A friend of mine told me I could get one, and it made me squee like a school girl! I just love these critters! With their many legs, their inking, their "expressions" that seem continuously annoyed at the universe. I don't know why I think they look annoyed at everything, but that's how I see them, and I think it's awesome. I love their colors too, and how they move through water. There is something mysterious to me about them, and well, they remind me of a certain elder god.

I cant imagine why...
But I don't know much about how much they cost, how to get one, how to care for one, etc. The idea is just a nice one. It's also not a pet I can pick up in any way, so it would just be something I watched in it's tank do it's business everyday. It's still a cool idea for a pet.

Love me I'm adorable!
And lastly on my list of potential pets is a Snake. I LOVE SNAKES! They are beautiful, graceful, colorful creatures that slither about with independent spirits. I like that about them. They are easy to maintain too, and don't need to be fed everyday. They like live bait, and I'm okay with that, and depending on the type of snake will depend on how cave-like you need to make their environment. Since I like the dark too, we will get along just fine. 

Me several years ago, bonding with my friends snake "Leo".
I've actually had a chance to handle snakes before, and I had a great time. They cuddle in their own way, and really like warm bodies. There is something special about a snake touching you. I can't put my finger on it. It's a little mystical for me, very personal and powerful. It's kind of like the connection a witch might have with a familiar. I feel a kinship with a snake, and since I can't own a Wolf or a Raven (which are my all time favourite animals) I think a snake is a safer and legal route to petdom. 

And those are my pet ideas! Animals I can own that won't make me sick and that are pretty neat! What you guys think? 


  1. You could always get a turtle. They have a certain entertainment value:

  2. OMG!!! NOT THE SPHYNX!!! ... This crazy cat lady HATES the Sphynx, they are an abomination to Felinekind! LMAO!

    I don't mind watching a caged tarantula... but it better not be touching me, :-P.

    I have never heard of anyone having an octopus as a pet... however I do remember someone who had a shark, heh. A pet taxi owner told me the other day that he's had someone transport piranhas before, :O.

    I love snakes myself... the way they curl, their gracefulness, their patterns. I'm not brave enough to have one around me like the one in your picture - wish I was though, :-).

  3. My vote would be for either the octopus (they change colours, they mimic their surroundings and they're surprisingly smart for cephalopods) or the snake, because snakes are gorgeous, graceful and fascinating. :)

    The tarantula would be okay, I suppose, but with them I've heard it's not the fangs you need to watch but the hairs. They get everywhere and make you itch (structurally very similar to fiberglas particles).

    But yeah, the sphynx is right out, because it is a cat, and cats have not learned yet that the species that masters fire first gets to be the dominant one.


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