Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Kats Are EBIL!

I have a shocking announcement to make. I know I am a minority, but I cannot change who I am. Please, sit down. Make sure you're in a comfortable position. What I have to say might be shocking. Might change your opinion of me forever. But I will not be apologetic. I am what I am.

Are you ready? Here's some shocking news you need to know about me:

[I'm allergic to cats]

Phew! *inhales deeply* There...I said it! I said it out loud! Now the whole interwebs know my terrible state of being. It's like a werewolf with the full moon, only worse. Far worse. My transformation involves chest congestion, puffy eyes, itchy skin when scratched, and a nose that drips with ooze. Werewolves are sexier than the grotesqueness I become. And worse yet, every-fucking-one has a bloody cat! (At least in Oregon) I can't avoid the furry bastards. Of course, they are not the only furry thing I am allergic to. Anything that sheds fur and looks cute is pretty much an instant trigger for me. It's a terrible existence, and I wasn't always like this. I have had furry pets in my youth, but as I got older the allergy got worse. People like to say shit like, "If you just live with a cat, you'll adjust to it." But that's BS. Why do you think people carry epi pens around?  Not because they can just "get used to it". Grrr...

But cats are the worst for me. Mostly because they are evil, manipulative bastards. You can train a dog to fuck off, but a cat? Fat chance. Cats think they rule the world. And they know when you are deathly allergic to them. Trust me, the buggers fucking know! It's like they have a switch that goes off in their furry little heads that tells them, "Oh yeah, this human is ignoring me! She just doesn't know how incredibly beautiful I am! If she did she'd totally be worshiping me like a good human slave! I must teach her a lesson, by inflicting my self upon her until she sneezes green goo from her face into my fur!"

It's why when I read Lovecraft, I can't help but laugh when he goes on that cats are sent to protect us. He and Edward Gorey were brainwashed by the cat legions who wish to enslave us all.

Edward Gorey, hanging with his kitties

Sorry, but I am just not gonna buy it. Maybe I am supposed to be allergic, to keep me immune to the mind control. So when the cats launch their plan for world domination (if they ever get off their lazy, pampered asses) I can save humanity!

If you are a cat lover reading this, I mean you no disrespect. I'm just a frustrated allergy suffer who really does suffer around cats. It's not a slight discomfort. Not breathing, not sleeping due to suffering all night from symptoms, is not slight discomfort. Not something I can just get over. It is what it is, and I wish more people with pets would be more sympathetic to us allergy sufferers. I know you love your furry beasts but remember...

They are plotting our doom and demanding to be fed.


  1. BAHAHAHAHAHA that was the most funniest and well written blogpost i have read so far!! I'm the opposite I used to be allergic to cats and dogs when i was younger but i jst grew out of it i guess :P

    In anycase i was never a huge cat fan i think cas all the ones i ever met in life always tried to attack me with their claws and i almost always left with sum bruises whenever i met one. I mean their are really cute but only from like a far and if they r non-violent! lol

  2. I am a cat lover here but I understand your situation and offer cyber hugs (that are not covered in cat hair like the rest of my life) but I think that maybe -
    (Coughing - Hacking - Dies)

    I love cats, but yes they are Evil.

  3. By the way i just mentioned you in my blog post and passed on the "iDig your blog" award to you cas i really do dig your blog do check it out:


  4. Awww! Thank you so much Pixie! *cyber hugs* I feel like a winner now, and will hug Jessie too, even though Jessie is probably covered in cat hair.

    Aren't you Jessie W. Campbell? HUH? At least you knw you're owned.

    *group hugs* At least my suffering is hilarious. ;)

  5. I'm with you Kweeny. It seems every available female out there has a dozen of the vile beasts, so I am forced into a life of alonedness.
    Even worse than cats in Japan are the dogs they have here. They are nothing but overgrown hamsters who shed a yap a lot.

    Anywho, digging your blog, looking forward to see what you'll grace us with for Halloween Countdown.

  6. It's true. I'm like the only women I know without a cat. WTF is up with that?
    And man, those aren't even real dogs. They're like...rat dogs. Abominations. I feel for ya man!

  7. funny!

    I understand you totally! Last year I finaly got test done and cat's are my worst allergy.

    My bf had 3 cat's with one shedding a lot of hair and she never leaves me alone!!she tries to sleep on my head and wants to be petted 7/24.

    Also I slept over at some family and they had those stuck carpets and I almost died at night becaus I could not breath, felt like an elephant was standing on my chest ... sucks this kind of heavy allergy

  8. IS it weird that I enjoyed reading this?

    Cats *do* rule the universe...
    (d'oh... brainwashing eh? ... better than... other kinds of brainwashing though, :-P)


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