On This Episode of AAARG MY FUCKING EYES...

We take a look at a movie that you've probably never heard of, because to subject yourself to it would be like stealing a Delorian and going to the 80's. On purpose.

And of course, the warning: May contain spoilers, blah blah blah. May also make you want to tease your hair up big and pretend your Blondie again. I know your secrets. We all sang into our hairbrushes then.

Mad Jester: So yeah, took me three tries to watch that sonofabitch. First time, I got to "Hey hey, we're the MUNCHIES!" and my brain just recoiled and refused to do anything until I promised it some Disney cartoons.

Kweeny Todd: *cackles* I know! It took me two tries, and for days I avoided it like I was getting a root canal. Alright...let's get this shit cake cooked eh?

MJ: Indeed- it's stinkin' up the kitchen.

KT: It's been a while since we've done one of these.

MJ: This is true. It takes a while to find movies terrible enough to be worthy of the feature. Also, it takes extended rest and a strict regimen of alcohol and cartoons to heal up between viewings.

KT: *chuckles* Yup, and this time you might have outdone yourself MJ. Tell the viewers what horrible piece of 80's crap you found for us today.

MJ: Oh gods... so 80s. Well, this time out we subjected ourselves to 1987's Munchies, starring Harvey Korman, Charlie Stratton, Nadine Van Der Velde and some very belligerent foam rubber. This film 80ses at you so hard you'll begin expecting Corey Feldman to Crane-kick someone in the face, but nothing so entertaining occurs.

KT: It did! I could almost feel my neon tights returning, and my hair getting bigger. If I hear another person call a girl a "Happening Chick" I might have to have a psychotic break.

MJ: But what else can one say about a lady as hip and with-it as our girl Cindy? I mean, that tight-jeans-and-enormous-baggy-pastel-shirt combo's enough to make any man weep into his Flock of Seagulls haircut!

KT: *chuckles* I know. but let's talk about the Munchies themselves for a minute. What the shit where they? They looked like low-budget Gremlins meets the Critters! How can you fuck that up?

MJ: I don't know, but by Q-bert they found a way. Funny you should mention the Munchies looking like low-budget Gremlins, though; the director of Munchies, one Tina Hirsch, was the editor on Gremlins, and obviously derived some... er, shall we say, 'inspiration' therefrom? Like, so much inspiration that I'm amazed Amblin weren't inspired to sue.

KT: I don't know if you can call that inspiration. That's like saying vomit is the inspiration for eating.

MJ: With just as appealing an end product, really. (Doubtless copious amounts of tequila were involved, as well.) At least Billy Peltzer's dad didn't drag him down to Peru to obtain the pet that ruined Billy's life.

KT: Right? The father in this movie annoyed the fuck out of me. Thanks for being a supportive dad! Blackmail always makes me wanna follow authority figures.

MJ: Seriously! "You're not funny enough to follow your dream of being a comic, so put on this tinfoil hat and help me prove the existence of alien ruins at Machu Picchu!" I mean, sure, Paul wasn't THAT funny, but he tried, and I'll take 'struggling comedian' over 'catfood conoisseur and owner of several stylish aluminum chapeaus' any day.



KT: *laughs* Ah the hypocrisy of parents! At least that scene was kind of relatable. And the 80's backdrop I am still trying to forget parts of. Everything else...I'm still scratching my head over.

MJ: Like how the sherriff left his incompetent teenage son in charge of law enforcement while he was away at a convention?

KT: Oh man, that guy! He was a nut bar and the most useless character in the whole film! WORST COP EVER.

MJ: Yeah. At least his dad got busy with Melvis while Cecil's back was turned- all Little Eddie was good for was wasting ammunition, skeeving Cindy out and providing the Munchies something to chew on while Cindy and Paul got away. Some people can simply aspire no higher in life than 'chew toy'.

KT: It's true. And the Munchies prove they will eat anything. And why the hell do people do the things others tell them NOT to do? "Don't cut them they multiply..." So of course the idiots CUT THEM UP.

Damn it if I was in a horror movie I'd just feed the stupid people to the Munchies.

MJ: Well, in every horror movie there's one or two characters who think they're smart enough to safely ignore the mythology. This movie's just different in that that role is filled by ALL THE CHARACTERS. Well, except Paul & Cindy, and they're stupid for going to anyone for help.

KT: YES. I almost had hope for them, but the pair kept trying to get everyone to help them. JUST KILL THE MUNCHIES YOURSELF PAUL! I mean he figured out how they die in the end anyhow. I must admit, the electricity thing was a nice touch.

MJ: Yeah, you have to give your unkillable murder-puppets a way to be defeated, and the whole 'fire of the gods' angle is actually a fair bit cooler than Billy "Shove the Little Bastards into a Wood-Chipper" Peltzer anyway.

KT: Agreed. I enjoyed that they turned to stone afterwards and were able to be smashed into bits. That was neat. Friggen Billy though...

MJ: Stone's a lot cheaper & easier to work with than fake blood and mangled rubber, too, so I doubt the decision was an artistic or aesthetic one so much as convenient happenstance. But it is, at least, in keeping with the mythos. Looking at you, Mr. Krishna "I'm-a Change What My Monsters Are Halfway Through the Film" Shah!

KT: True. I did however think the tone of the film was all over the place. Was it a horror movie or a comedy or just something mangled from my drunk brain when I try to remember the 80's?

MJ: I think it was trying to be a horror-comedy, like (the real) Gremlins, Beetlejuice, or The Monster Squad. Unfortunately, as opposed to the directors of those movies- who paint strokes of comedy to break up the monotone of horror- Hirsch just slaps a thick layer of one on top of the other, resulting in a wide stripe of Taco-Bell-the-night-before brown.

KT: *nods* It was hard to watch honestly. If I didn't have pumpkin cider to drink I don't know if I could have gotten through it. Thank the Underworld it's October.

MJ: *laughs* If I'd had anything to drink, I'd have had to watch it more than the twice I did! I kept falling asleep- not even Harvey Korman could render that shitball shiny! Oh gods, I actually woke up whimpering this morning!

KT: *cackles* I wanted to do anything but watch this. I was even willing to clean my house. Well, other than what we've already said, there isn't much more to this movie. It's pretty forgettable honestly. Would you torture another living soul with it other than me Mad Jester?

MJ: I might recommend this to a masochist like us- someone who relishes their ability to survive such cinematic suckstorms. It'd be great for Bad Movie Night, just getting 'faced with one's friends and ripping into it. But for people of taste and discernment? Gods no. Rewatch Gremlins 2- Robert Picardo's in that one, too, and it won't hurt so bad.

KT:  Well then, I doubt there is anything more that can be said, so let's shock this thing with lightening and call it a day. What do you say MJ?

MJ: Nah, let's get out of here before I punch someone's tennis shoes by way of vengeance against rubber.

KT: Good idea. I have better things to do...like watch more horror movies and eat pumpkin everything. Happy Halloween readers! Stay tuned for more Countdown madness!