Day 17: Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes...

(may contain spoilers...if anyone is crazy enough to watch this movie and cares)

I tried looking for brain bleach, but instead, I was given Hard Rock Zombies to watch by my dirty uncle Mad Jester. Mad Jester and I go way back to the good old days, when we watched horror until the sun came up and played Table Top RPG's before they were cool. (I dunno if they are really even cool now, but they are definitely cooler than they were when we were young and drunker) He's one of the few people in this world who can stomach the crap I stomach. So when I ask him to find me the worst piece of tripe ever plastered on film I need to be careful what I wish for. Because like me, he will find the worst of the worst. And now it's even easier to find trash thanks to the internet.

So in a moment of insanity trying to relive the good old days, and because it's tradition for me to watch crappy schlock in the spirit of Halloween, we decided it would be "fun" to do a joint review of the worst movie we could find. Here you go readers...enjoy the roller coaster.

Mad Jester: rueful grin Let's get this shit biscuit over with so's I can get back to killing the memory of it with scotch. Hope you brought your barf bags.

Kweeny Todd: I didn't bring enough to go around, so people are going to have to share. Tonight, we will eviscerate for the readers the horrible travesty that is Hard Rock Zombies. Shall we begin my old chum?

MJ: Oh, let's do. And then let's never speak of it again.

KT: Fair deal. Why don't we start by reading the description of the film. I know when I read it I laughed my tits off. 

MJ: All righty then... adjusts his horn-rimmed 3D glasses Quoth D.A. Kellough for IMDB:
"A hard rock band travels to the tiny and remote town of Grand Guignol to perform. Peopled by hicks, rubes, werewolves, murderous dwarves, sex perverts, and Hitler, the town is a strange place but that doesn't stop the band's lead singer from falling in love with a local girl named Cassie. After Nazi sex perverts kill the band to satisfy their lusts, Cassie calls the rockers back from the grave to save her, the town, and maybe the world."

Somewhere, Ed Wood's ghost is saying "Krishna Shah, my hat goes off to you."

KT: Oh Cassie. The underaged girl of your dreams.

MJ: Holy crap, I kept half-expecting the cop to say to Jessie, "You want a reason you can't play in our town? How about you're under arrest for statutory rape, son!"

KT: I know! Was it just me, or did you think Rockso the Rock and Roll Clown too when you saw that sequence with them on stage as zombies singing to her?

MJ: Seriously! Their makeup does not say 'undead', it says 'Zazz Blammymatazz'! Which may or may not have been the point. I was kinda punchy by that point in the movie.

KT: cackles Too true. Before we get too ahead of ourselves lets go back a bit. Now, when you hear that description Mad Jester, what do you think? Before you even saw the movie?

MJ: I thought, "The mind that came up with this is either a) a comedic genius, or b) a horror 'writer' who ate lead paint chips as a kid." It's just... zombies, hicks, Nazis, werewolves... it's all over the place. Like he asked his buddies to write down a bunch of 'scary stuff' on pieces of paper and drew them at random out of a bag!

KT: It was ridiculous! I don't even think the writer knows how to spell the word PLOT. Putting too many things into one movie does not distract us from the fact it MAKES NO SENSE. And HITLAR? WTF MAN! Why the fucking Nazi's? Just because they are "BAD"?

MJ: I think that's it entirely. Nazis are acceptable targets, so let's put 'em in there to be eviller than zombies a hurr hurr hurr. And speaking of evil, let's talk about the scene at the beginning where they're performing on stage. No, you're not hearing things- the music track really is playing at two different places at the same time. It's like the sound guy and the editor were trying to out-shitty each other.

KT: That was fucking horrible! I think the sound guy and the editor were on a bender while working on this film. I mean, one scene literally cuts out right in the middle of someone's speech!

MJ: And who can blame 'em? I'd need a fifth of whiskey just to sleep at night, knowing I let loose this kaka on an unwitting populace!

KT: Seriously! Oh man, I still can't get over the fact Hitlar is hiding out in this little hick town in California. California of all places! And who in their right mind would ever EVER book a band in such a crappy location? No fucking sensible talent agent would go out there to watch a crappy nobody band! So it really made no sense why they NEEDED to play there.

MJ: Apart from the aforesaid Miss Jailbait 1985. And she specifically told them not to.

KT: She was honestly the smartest character in this film. Which is sad. She's not that smart. But next to the rest of the cast she's a fucking Light Bright, spelling out, "Leave this stupid town so the movie can end now. Kthanxbai!"

MJ: "Oh, Jessie, I'll always love you. Despite the fact that we met three days ago, and you only knew my name for two of them."

KT: When your 14 you fall in love easily. "Oh my God a guy with 80's hair looked at me. I'm in love!"

MJ: Ah, Jessie's Mighty Mullet of Manliness +4 Versus Underage Gooch.

KT: It was hilarious! I think I almost spit my Mountain Dew all over the TV when I first saw him.

MJ: For my money, the funniest one in the band was Chuck the Drummer. I swear I fell off the couch laughing for that line: "OWWWWWW! Mama! Have MERCY!"

KT: cackles You know what else was funny? When they turned into Kiss zombies. Bad makeup for the win. And rock music is evil kids. It makes "ghouls." It's like the movie didn't want to use the word zombies. That was confusing. Your title is clearly HARD ROCK ZOMBIES. Stick with the zombie label.

MJ: Oh, they're not zombies, though. They're ghouls, because they're afraid of heads.

KT: The scene with the 80's giant cutout heads was hilarious! FEAR MEGA PRINCE HEAD!

MJ: "I am the Giant Yarn-Outlined Head of Jimi Hendrix! Begone from this place, unconvincing creature of greasepaint and plastic vampire teeth!"

KT: Yup. I just don't know what they were thinking while making this movie. Calling your creatures zombies on the cover means we expect to see zombies. And then calling them ghouls throughout the film makes them a different creature! Sure, there are correlations...I suppose adding all the fucked up shit in the film as they did, it didn't occur to them to have things like oh, continuity. I mean they turned Ava Braun into a werewolf...

MJ: Who has time for continuity when we're watching a misshapen dwarf eat himself?

KT: OMFG, that part of the film made my husband Bear loose his shit. "He's eating his own face! Without any arms!" I almost peed myself laughing.

MJ: Love how he thought his feet tasted fine sans garnish, but apparently his intestines needed a spoonful of sugar.

KT: cackles Poor Bear. I don't think he will ever forgive me for forcing him to watch that movie with me. "That is the most pointless thing I've ever done."

MJ: I suppose we shouldn't ask him to tag along if ever we do one of these for Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama , huh? *winks*

KT:  I don't ask. I just tell him to sit with me. So I have more people to share the pain. When you're watching Hitlar Zombie go around chasing people with cardboard cut-out giant heads, you need someone to hold your hand. Listening to Bear whimper was the highlight of watching Hard Rock Zombies.

MJ: Not me. I got to watch that soul-scorching assblast all by myself. Which I'm pretty sure makes me the manliest man on the planet. I'm expecting my championship belt next week, Chuck Norris.

KT: snicker I'll make you one out of cardboard and crayons sometime.

MJ: And glitter. Best not forget my glitter.

KT: I wont. smirks Okay, lets try to find something good about this film. If you had to pick the best moment of the film, which would it be for you?

MJ: Oh, Jebus, time to play Find the Nickle in the Bucket of Shit. Let's see... E.J. Curcio's singing voice isn't bad. And I got a chuckle out of Hitler sing-songing 'Piss and pus, piss and pus!'

KT: That was pretty funny! Half the time I thought they were poking fun at themselves in the film, the other half I think they took themselves too seriously. For me, it was the dwarf eating himself halfway through the film. That comical cartoon slurp when he sucks his face in was priceless!

MJ: Yep. Just the world's hungriest, least-convincing skull on a checkered tablecloth. But you're right- if they'd gone balls-out, Troma-grade don't-give-a-fuck, this could've been a masterwork of a genre parody. But I think for some reason someone on the crew list actually thought this was a serious movie, so the spell was broken.

KT: It's sad really. So much potential to be in the grade of silly-awesome-B-movie crap. Instead it's...well... Hard Rock ASS. I'd have had a better time putting my face in a meat grinder.

MJ: And the result would've been less vomit-inducing.

KT: Truly. Oh well. Time to pull out the scotch and forget we ever watched this! Kweeny pulls out two glasses and pours the shots Thanks for being a guest blogger/reviewer! Any final thoughts?

MJ: Yeah. If you see anyone wearing a mullet, shoot them. They might be a zombie, but either way there's one less mullet-wearer. knocks back a shot

KT: HEAR HEAR! knocks back one with the Jester And thank you readers for continuing to read my madness here on Kweeny Todd! I aim to entertain, and if I fail to do that, I make a horrible mess and hide the bodies! Happy Halloween!