Friday, 2 December 2011

DAY 02: Kweeny's Twisted Thoughts on the Monster that is Santa Clause

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:

(THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED WITHIN MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME READERS. BUT I NEED TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM, AND GET SOME OF MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE CRAP I HATE IN THE HOLIDAYS OFF MY CHEST. I'M ON SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST ANYHOW. BEEN THERE SINCE I WAS 5)

There is a trend this time of year, to write letters to the beast known as Santa Clause. He is a monster who feeds off the dreams of privileged rich kids, and we are taught at a young age to worship him as if he was a god himself. I believe he's actually a yeti in disguise, and the idea of letting a monster like Santa in your home is kinda disturbing if you think about it. Just letting some nasty fat man invade your home, eat your food and then track soot through the house is just not right in my head. Or maybe he's just become Satan Claws, ruler of corporate Christmas hell, sent to convert all the little children to his elf army.


Or maybe I'm bitter Santa never ate my damn cookies. He probably prefer's souls anyhow.

I am told by the elves that work for him he wasn't always a monster. That once, he represented something wholesome and beautiful. That he was a spirit of generosity, and his sidekick Krampus (who was a demon I might add, so there is a connection Santa has demonic family ties) taught valuable lessons. But if you read the Sandman comics, you know the story of the Incarnation known as Delirium. She was once the embodiment of Delight, until humanity's dreams darkened, twisting her mind into madness.

I think Santa has gone the same way.

Anyhow, I discovered a letter to Santa I wrote in 2003. But I found it was still relevant now, and just added a few new touches to update it. Enjoy, and I warn you, I am very bitter against the consumerism that surrounds the holiday season. It's not that I don't like buying stuff. I do have a NEEDFUL THINGS section in this blog. It's just too much during the holidays. Everything in moderation folks. And I find that the spirit of Santa has been corrupted terribly. I just don't like what Santa Clause has become. Horror is a genre where we can talk about the monsters we see in life. And to me, Santa is a monster.

I promise you'll get cookies later for putting up with my ranting. At least in picture form. *wink*



Dear Santa Clause,

You are a load of crap, you fat gluttonous freak.

You never listened to me in the past when I asked for things, probably because you were getting fat off my cookies I burned my hands making, and I know you won't now. But since you wear red and pretend to be so kind and generous, I believe you’re really Satan in disguise. Why do you think I draw this conclusion Santa? Well, he seems to rule the world anyhow, and is the greatest faker there is. A king among corporate asses. He sits on his Mcdonlands biggie-sized arch and gets fat off our suffering...What a guy to admire. And you yourself, sold out to the highest bidder, only to give presents to us fat and sinful rich kids. I myself don’t think I’m rich, I’m in the 99% after all, but I am better off then those poor kids on TV... you know the ones with the sad little faces, shriveled up because they are so hungry? Yeah, they don’t get gifts for Christmas, they get pain and death. And here I sit, guilty and confused as to why you even Matter. They don't need this new Santa. They need real miracles and real generosity. So does the rest of the world. Christmas isn't about presents. It's about people connecting. People caring. People giving of themselves for one day. Just one. They need the real spirit of the season, and you have become so far removed from the original idea that birthed you.



But I think I may be asking the wrong questions to the wrong monster. Santa can't help me. I should ask Satan Claws for more useless crap for Christmas instead. Maybe he will make the pain stop with more possessions. TV tells me over and over that's what I need this time of year.

In which case...

DEAR SATAN CLAWS,

I want to get rid of the beast Santa so he can stop making kids cry in malls. He's scary. I want to set him on fire so no child ever has to sit on his creepy knee again. We can all hold hands and roast chestnuts over him. It would sure make some pretty holiday lights for the aliens to enjoy.

Also, can you please, PLEASE quit it with the on slot of Christmas music and decorations in OCTOBER? I mean come on, give Halloween and Thanksgiving time to move out! Is that too much to ask?

Or maybe just give me a Nook Color instead.

Love always,

Kweeny

PS: Satan Claws, do you think aliens celebrate Christmas?

(And no readers, I don’t really believe in Satan, or Santa, just jaded-hope-shattering that the world unloads on us in a constant stream of shit. That my friends, is very, very real. I also believe in being with loved this time of year. You don't need to buy things to show your love. As long as it's from the heart, that's what matters. Even if you do buy things, all I ask is you think about what you buy, and the reasons you are buying it.

It's been a rough few days. Consider this blowing off some steam.

 Oh and I totally believe in aliens.)

5 comments:

  1. The word "Satan" is the old Hebrew term for "Adversary" And was later treated as the proper name for the fallen angel, Lucifer ("the Light-Bearer")
    Cool Holiday post ... and good to see you back...

    Your friend ...the Doctor

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  2. And the people said... Amen!

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  3. Bah Humbug! I agree -the whole season is as bloated as the old man himself.

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  4. Totally agree, Satan and Santa nope. Aliens and Zombies for sure :) I never understood why we had to sit on the weirdo's lap and tell him what we wanted, if he really did know when we were sleeping he would know that too right? :) Merry Creepmas!

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  5. I totally agree with the cosumerism of the holiday.. it's sad, but truth. I think that Santa and all other imaginary characters (Easter Bunny, etc). give us someting to take our minds off of everyday life.. that something is still magical. Who truly knows though :)

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