Monday, 11 March 2013

Mad Jester Reviews...STITCHES

Time for another review from my favourite maniac-clown-resident in the Gory Kingdom! I can always hear him coming since his hat jingles while he giggles and snorts. He was so excited when he found a movie about a crazed killer clown, I told him to sit his cracked-out ass down and write me a review. So here it is...

Mad Jester reviews: Stitches
(Or: Clown Without Pity)
Okay, horror-homies, riddle me this:
What do you get when you mix two parts Jason Voorhees, one part Bugs Bunny and a pinch of Bender?

Well, me, for one thing. But the answer I was looking for was Stitches the Clown, eponymous star of 2012's Stitches, from our friends at Fantastic Films and the Irish Film Board.

To write an objective review for this film is somewhat difficult for me, given my (by now well-documented) love of killer clowns, and thus I had to separate my actual opinion of the film-qua-film from my !OBOYOBOY CLOWNS KILLING PEOPLE! fanboyishness. But separate them I shall, in the interests of providing you with a fair and honest review.

Don't say I never did nothin' for ya.
Everybody happy? Let's begin.

Anyway, we begin with Stitches, an apathetic, lackluster, inebriate birthday clown hired to perform at the 9th birthday of young Tom. Tom's friends- colossal shitheads, every booger-munching one of 'em...

The little bastards.

harass Stitches during his performance (which, in fairness to them, was pretty terrible) until, during the finale, Tom's friends talk him into tripping the clown- who staggers, stumbles, and falls... face-first onto a kitchen knife sticking up from the dishwasher. Needless to say, poor Tom feels terrible (he being the one whose mother could afford to get him a conscience for Christmas the year before) and is traumatized, developing in one stroke a fear of clowns and a loathing for birthday parties.

Now comes the fun part.

For varying definitions of 'fun', anyway.

The next night, Tom spies a very odd funereal procession in the nearby graveyard- one peopled entirely by clowns. He sneaks into the mausoleum where Stitches is being laid to rest, and there witnesses a bizarre interment ritual. He's caught, and before he can run away, the clown leading the ritual (OHMYGOD OHMYGOD CLOWN CULT DEATH CEREMONY SQUEEE ~ahem~) informs Tom that a clown that doesn't finish a party can never rest in peace... and the joke is never as funny, the second time 'round.

Do not laugh when the hearse rolls by...

Fast forward ten years, and nineteen-year-old Tom has finally been wheedled by his friends (three of whom are no longer complete shitheads, and the other two he doesn't hang with anymore) into having a big birthday bash, to celebrate the fact that his mother is stupid enough to leave a 19-year-old boy alone for his birthday. But one guest has yet to arrive- an uninvited guest, with a birthday gift Tom won't like much...

“Oh, come on, I put a lot of thought into it!”

Now, here's where I must needs put on my Objective Reviewer hat (which doesn't fit well over the ol' cap and bells, it must be said). Taken as-is, without the filter of murder-clown love, the film is still a respectable, if formulaic, slasher flick, with a fair helping of decent comedy thrown in for good measure. The kills are good-verging-on-great, with plenty invention and gore- oh, how we loves the red stuff here in the Gory Kingdom- and executed (pardon the pun) with panache and wit. It must be said: Stitches is a lot funnier in death than he ever was in life, although he had his moments then, too. Atmosphere is built competently without being hamfisted, and the film doesn't lean very heavily at all on jump-scares.

Also, there's a tricycle chase. A TRICYCLE CHASE.

Of course, if one does happen to love them some evil clowns, then one can't go wrong with this flick. Stitches has a malevolent bag of tricks that'd make the Joker nod with approval. He's witty with his banter, his kills are inventive, and he tolerates precisely none of the shit he had to take at the last party he performed for Tom. They try to stop him, but he pops back up like a Bozo-Bopper.

Can't keep a good clown down. Or Stitches, either.

Would I recommend this movie? Absolutely. It's a decent little flick, even when taken merely as a slasher-comedy. Of course, your mileage may vary- it depends on how okay you are with clowns.

For me, it's awesome. Give it a shot- I bet you won't regret it.

Stitches, about to give Bulger his just desserts. (You'll appreciate that one later.)


  1. Nice! This movie sounds awesome. I love killer clown movies. :)

    1. Oho, a gal after my own heart. :)

      It's a hoot, to be sure. Go watch ye, and watch ye good!


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