Friday, 30 September 2011

In Kweeny's Magic Gory Kingdom...

Today is the Annual Blogger Zombie Walk!

For this special event I'm going to tell you the story of what happened to me at the walk-that-never-happened-in-real-life. I'm going to recall the tale as if I was just there. We are gonna pretend the internet is it's own magical universe where dreams do come true and trolls are real and can get stepped on with power words typed from your keyboard. Sound fun? Then follow my insane candy trail kids, as I recall...

 The Zombie Walk of My Dreams/Nightmares:

I finally got my ass to a zombie walk! For years I've been trying to get to one, only to have life come tackling me like a football player on speed and ruining my plans. Lame. But this year I made it to one. This year I would shamble with the great hordes.

I got my outfit all ready, and was quite pleased with myself. My makeup was a wonderfully photo-shopped mess of zombie goodness. I knew I'd fit right in with the other blogger zombies. Though on second thought, maybe I went overboard impairing my eyesight, as you will find out later in the tale.

Dressed for success I went to the meeting place. The crowd was huge. Everyone was dressed in gory finery, and I could tell they were all very hungry. Some people went all out. They looked more dead than dead people, and smelt like decaying apples. Once we began shuffling, there was no stopping us. We were legion. Roaming the lands chanting our need into the night like rabid, rotting hell-hounds.

Everything seemed pretty cool. We were shambling right along, me with my blogger peeps doing our best Walking Dead impersonations. Justine, Nicole, Pixie, Sharon  and I were goofing off and got ahead of the pack. We got distracted by window shopping and the gals decided I would look smashing in a pink tutu. I hadn't told them yet that pink was my kyptonite and that I'd explode upon contact by it.They were really doing some good impressions of slow zombies in the back behind us, and their moans just became a dull droning noise we barely noticed. Once the girls were done tormenting me, we waited at a nearby street corner for folks to catch up. Then suddenly it dawned on me. That nagging feeling you get in the back of your skull that sounds like your mother does when she's bitchy and is coming after you. "When I get my hands on you, you'll wish you were never born!"

If I wasn't wearing make up, I'd have gone pale. As it was my face dropped, and I must have looked hilarious because Pixie looked at me and snickered, "Kweeny, did you swallow a razor blade or something? You look freaked out! And with only one eyeball, your face is WEIRD looking!"

I gave her a bland look, "My face is ALWAYS weird looking!" I stroked my chin in contemplation, "Something's wrong...."

Sharon put her pixelated rotted hand on my shoulder for support and said, "What is it?"

And that's when I heard the music change.

We all turned around in unison like they do in really bad zombie movies, and realized some of our fellow bloggers were...not playing. It would seem that iZombie was not in impeccable makeup that made him stand out alongside the crowd as the most amazing dead-head of the bunch. And that smell he was giving off, I thought he was just farting from eating too many bean burritos the night before! While we were busy trying to get our shuffle down and peering into shop windows at all the Halloween stuff coming out for next month, iZombie was eating people! He turned on all his fellow bloggers and just started munching!

Now it was for realz.

"Oh crap!" Nicole remarked, "They aren't pretending anymore are they?"

"Nope." I said, and cracked my knuckles, "This is not a game anymore."

Before I could even begin to formulate a plan, Justine screamed. She had been grabbed by the now really undead Little Gothic Horrors, who somehow made being a dead thing look good. If it wasn't for that milky, blind look in her eyes, I wouldn't have guessed she was really dead. I'd have just figured she was going out on the town, with prefect black eye liner and looking like Morticia Adams.

She had grabbed Justine's arm and bit down hard, blood and meat squirting out of her like someone turned on the fire hose full blast. Damn low budget effects! Justine howled like a banshee, and tried to fight off the hungry Gothic Horror with little success. It was a shame, but I know the rules. Once someone's bitten, they are doomed.

"Shit." I said, "Run!"

So we did. Before running I tripped over a newspaper stand hoping it would slow the pack down, and Sharon took off one of her shoes and threw it at Gothic Horrors head. Poor Justine was on the floor, slowly being covered in zombie hordes as the rest saw the meal left for them. Gothic Horrors seemed to lift her head only briefly. And as lazy zombies tend to do, decided we were not worth the effort and went back to her meal that was now covered in zombies. They moved like flies on honey to poor Justine's freshly bloodied corpse.

Nicole was running like she was a marathon sprinter, and I seemed to take up the rear. I really needed to get into shape. We turned a corner and Sharon checked to see if they were far enough away to give us a breather. Feeling this was a good moment to rest, we all stared at each other as the older folks wheezed like chain smokers.

Pixie, being a youngen and easily bouncing back, turned to me and said, "Where's Bruce Campbell when you need him?"

"Off set having a sandwich." I groaned, and ran a hand through my now sweaty hair. My make up had started running, and I was sure I looked scarier than the clown from the movie IT. Of course, I don't even have half the class of Tim Curry, and my accent is Canadian. No one but my husband finds that sexy.

Sharon being a resourceful lady, saw a hardware store across the street. She pointed at it with a trembling finger and said through panting breaths, "There!" *Wheeze* "We go there!"

I smiled darkly and nodded. "It's on Zombie Bitches!"

So we ran some more, as the zombies behind us finished their meal and starting coming toward us. Nicole started fumbling with the doorknobs on the double doors, and when she realized they were locked, got angry and started slamming her hands against it in rage.


"Clam down," I said, and rummaged through my purse for anything I could use to pick the lock. 'I got this."

Sharon pulled Nicole away from the doors and tried to calm her down, but when the silly chick looked behind her she saw the mass of hungry mouths and groping arms and freaked.

"Kweeny...I love you. Don't take this the wrong way but hurry up BITCH!"

People always panic when their death is mindless corpses...

I found a bobby pin and started shaping it with my teeth as I said to her, "Dude, 5 mins! I said I got this!"

I put the metal into the lock and started fiddling, waiting for that magic click sound. It always feels like you won the lottery when you pop a lock. Pixie was starting to get nervous too, and was tapping my shoulder like a little kid does when they want ice cream, "Kweeny...their coming!"

Of course, what I didn't tell them was I was thinking this the whole time:

When the lock finally popped the other girls nearly ran over me to get inside. Lucky for them I'm made of tough stuff. I grumbled and dusted myself off as we all piled inside and closed the door behind us. Sharon grabbed a two by four and I stuck it in the looped handles of the double doors, and it worked nicely as a block. When the shambling masses finally got to our location, they slammed the weight of their bodies against it, making the wood creek and the doors rattle. But it wasn't gonna hold for long.

We didn't need to be told what to do next. It was ass kicking time. We raided the place for weapons. Pixie found a weed whacker and was gonna do it all Brain Dead style. Nicole got two hand saws and a splatter shield helmet. She didn't wanna get too messed up. And Sharon got herself a chainsaw. She revved that thing up and smiled menacingly at me and I nodded my approval.

I got a shot gun I found under the cash register and loaded that bad boy up.

We were fucking ready. The Charlies Angels of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Now I'd like to report that the following was full of epic zombie ass kicking. I really would. I'd like to say we dames cleaned house and just went ninja all over the shambling hordes. It should have looked something like this:

But it looked more like this:

They over ran us. We fought hard, but each of us ran into problems. Pixies weed whacker ran out of juice halfway through cutting up Horror Smorgasbord's limbs, Sharon's chainsaw got jammed on bits of bone coming off of Zombies Everywhere head. And Nicole got bitten by A Ghoul's Best Friend while hand sawing off Cherry Neko's grabby hands.

And me well...I was the last dumb ass standing. Surrounded by dead things, with no friends left and running low on bullets. Plus, remember my eye make up? It left me with a blind spot that I could barely keep track off. I got bit by none other than Zombies Are Magic, who took a huge chunk out of my shoulder.

That's when I heard iZombie laugh. Which seemed strange because I never heard a fucking zombie laugh before. I watched him move through the crowd toward me, shambling some but still looking more aware than the rest of the pack. I suppose it was because he was the leader. The pain in my arm was excruciating and I was loosing a lot of blood fast. I could have really used a survival kit. Like this one:

But this isn't Left for Dead. This is a fake recounting of a totally serious event of zombie horror!

So I suppose you are wondering how this madness ended? Did I just fight it out to the bitter end? Did iZombie use his super zombie powers on me to make me bend to his will? Did we all just throw up our hands and say, "Just kidden!" Then went to the park and have cupcakes?

Or did it totally end like this:

You know it totally ended in music. It has to! Everything in my world ends with a music number! My name is Kweeny Todd. I will rip off good musical numbers whenever I can!

And that's the end of my crazy tale. I was going to do something more serious and thought, NAH. It's a friggen zombie walk. It needs more cowbell. Normal? I don't do normal over here. What is normal anyhow?

So now that you've read my madness, it's time you shamble your ass through the blogging world of zombie mayhem. Enjoy this list of fellow zombie enthusiasts, many of whom I mentioned in this post. (iZombie I mentioned because he made the awesome banner for the walk above) I couldn't mention everyone, but just assume if you were not named you were a zombie. Have a good time and remember, Zombies have feelings too...

Wait, no they don't! They are just hungry. Right...

Ghost Hunting Theories
Above the Norm: Bizarre Arizona
Zombies Everywhere
Holly's Horrorland
Little Gothic Horrors
Anything Horror
Katy Bennett Horror Writer and Poet
Bubba's Place
Horror Smorgasbord
Monkey Man
Words and Music
Red Shoes Chronicles
The Wolf's Eyes
My Day in a Sentence
Pixie's Horror Galore
Strange State
The Misadventures of HalloweeNut
Halloween Blues
Kweeny Todd
The California Blogging Massacre
Horror Shock Lolipop
Vanessa Morgan
Improbable Frontiers
No Really, You Can Eat It
Art By Living Dead Girl Nicole
Two Gory Chicks
A Dust Bunny in the Wind
A Ghoul's Best Friend
Zombies Are Magic
Cherry Neko Saves the World
Tall Tales
At the Mansion of Madness
The Haunted Rose
The Rotting Zombie
Halloween Overkill
Out of the Shadows
Creepy Glow Keyhole Gallery
Creepy Glowbugg
Bifocal Univision
Sherry Soule
Anchors and Roses
Paranormal Researchers Group
Whispering Pines History
Lovely Miss Megs
Sean Thomas Fisher's Blogwash
Rise and Fight
Stump Town Horror
LoliClown's Little Blog of Horror
Zombies Can't Love
Books and Beyond
The Grave Bandits
Screaming Goregasms
Lazy Daisy Life
Icky Monster
Pretty in Fiction
Ivy's Closet
Justine's Halloween
Annie Walls
Just Johnny


  1. I love your zombie story. Very awesome!

  2. I truly feel like I just experienced all zombie things at once and if you play the Silent Hill video while reading it, it's very very creepy! Awesome!

  3. haha great zombie post.It def felt like I was watching this unfold.

  4. This is such a fantastic zombie story! Great job!! I love it, and thanks for sharing!

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  5. Wow, you put an amazing amount of work into this! Great job!!

  6. Zombilicious post! You've got a new Follower! :)

  7. Fantastic post! Thanks for sharing. Zombies ROCK!! :-D


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  8. Really enjoyed this... And I'm a new follower ;-)

  9. That was absolutely hilarious! Great story!

  10. You have one delightfully disturbed imagination, my lovely! Awesome post! And seriously, is there a better compliment than making "a dead thing look good"? I think not!!!

    I'd better head off to Justine's blog, now. I feel that some apologies may be in order... after the whole arm-eating incident, and all!!

  11. "The Charlies Angels of the Zombie Apocalypse"---what theatre is this playing at and where can I get tickets? A most excellent tale, well-done!

  12. Haha! Thanks a lot Little Gothic Horrors! What the heck?

    "She had grabbed Justine's arm and bit down hard, blood and meat squirting out of her like someone turned on the fire hose full blast."

    Not to mention...

    "They moved like flies on honey to poor Justine's freshly bloodied corpse."

    Sheesh. I'm a hot mess in this story! At least I got a dramatic death scene...Trying to think positively. :)

  13. I always hurt the ones I love Justine. It's a compliment when a horror writer kills you off! :P

  14. Thank you all for the compliments! I should tell more crazy stories more often. LOL!

  15. I plead the Jessica Rabbit defense, Justine! I'm not really bad. I'm just written that way. Haha!

  16. That was awesome. Definitely the most creative entry in the Zombie blog walk.

  17. My hands! It's a good job I still have my teeth in the end I guess. Haha, brilliant story! It was such a good post! Loved it, and love you...everything has to end in a song, too true.


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