Friday, 4 November 2011

Wicked Weapons: The Chainsaw

Been fighting off the plague for the last few days, and while I am still looking like the living dead, I'm bored. I'm dangerous when I'm bored. I'm one of those people that if I am forced into boredom somehow you better hope I entertain myself creatively, or else something will be set on fire. Probably with my mind. Carrie's got nothing on me. I was a fire-starter in my diapers.

I am at the point of my sickness where I am too sick to be useful in the real world, but not sick enough to enjoy staring at the ceiling for hours on end in a sweaty, feverish daze, hoping unconsciousness brings me wild dreams of dripping gum-drop skies and purple clouds of cotton candy. I tell you, fever dreams/hallucinations are way better than drugs. Also, scarier depending on the drug and fever.

But hopefully I am just sick enough to write an entertaining and interesting post on what I like to think of as the rockstar of the Wicked Weapons collection so far: The Chainsaw.

Why would I compare the chainsaw to a rockstar? Think about this: Rockstars are loud, messy, attention seeking showboats that once they walk on stage, you can't help but stare at them. So is the chainsaw, and anyone who wields a chainsaw for killing is pretty much in the rockstar category. Except they are bastards who kill people. The thing about the chainsaw is you are not gonna use it to kill if you want to be quiet, sneaky, efficient or careful. You don't see killers like Dexter Morgan using a chainsaw. The chainsaw is all about the show! It's gory, it's in your face, (sometimes literally) and there is no way to ignore it's presence. Some people even like to dance with their blades.

Ah Leatherface. You are such a Rockstar...

 Anyhow, the weapon like most I have featured in this section is made to be used as a tool. It's a saw blade made portable, has an engine that needs feeding, and they were made primarily for chopping trees and cutting wood. They have cutting chains that look like bicycle chain that guide the little saw blade teeth into the wood. Because of that mighty little engine attached to it, the chain feeds the teeth around and around swiftly, making short work out of anything that dares to come into contact with it. It can't cut into everything, but I bet it will sure make a mess trying to. The thing is hefty too, and while you can get smaller models that are easier to carry around, they are still rather graceless. A chainsaws job is not delicate work. It's here to fuck your shit up just the way you like it. And to give you a loud ringing in your ears after the concert is done.

So anyone who uses this as his weapon is saying the following things to you: I dont give a shit. I'm Charlie-fucking-Sheen and I am gonna kill your ass with nasty, clumsy finesse and people will still think I am the bad ass of murderers! WINNING! I carry this big heavy thing around like a sword, and swing it like a bat at your face! And when it hits, they will know my mark, because it will be HUGE and brutal! I am totally metal! RAWR.

Two kinds of people use a chainsaw to kill: The ones who don't give a flying fuck and are insane, and the ones who think they are rockstars and need us all to know their penis is too small to use more creative and less annoyingly loud weapons.

As you can probably guess, I'm not a chainsaw fan. I do appreciate the mess they make, and it was kinda cool when Ash from Evil Dead made his chainsaw hand attachment (but Bruce Campbell can make anything look cool) but otherwise I just think they are less effective than other weapons out there. They are loud. They give away a killers placement. They are heavy and cumbersome. They are hard to dispose of. There is just so many things wrong with them and not enough cool things that are right. I love the messy gore they can create, but otherwise they don't do it for me.

But that doesn't mean they don't deserve a place of honor in my Wicked Weapons section. Hence why I have posted about them. Now I will show you a few of the movies that showcase the blade, as is tradition. It's a pretty popular weapon, despite it's awkwardness.

Remember how I said there are two types of people who use chainsaws for killing? This movie showcases the first with the insanity that is Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This movie is one of the most disturbing movies I ever saw with chainsaws.  It's just a fucked up film. It spawned a bunch of messed up sequels, but they were never as good and as creeptastic as the first film was. All you need in crazy with chainsaws is right here folks.

Now for the second category I present you with Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. Here we have lovable, arrogant Ashley, who is stuck with a girls name and needs to prove his manliness. So he slays his possessed friends by cutting the bastards up with a chainsaw. It's hilarious and awesome to watch. It really is. But you know he's working out that "rock star from mars" angst while he's doing it. The guy has issues. When he finally gives his girlfriend that cheesy necklace, I couldn't help but think he gave her that magnifying glass trinket so she could find his wee wee. But he sure found his wee wee now huh kids! Just pull the cord and let her riiiiip!

How about one more for the road! I present to you both insane and a rockstar (like most are) in the form of American Psycho. I love this movie on so many levels. Patrick Bateman has money, is sexy, does whatever the hell he wants and is out of his pretty little mind. And he brings some chainsaw love back as he walks the runway with his stylish new accessory. How scandalous!

While I know there are more awesome chainsaw flicks out there, I am spent folks. But I hope this look at the chainsaw entertained you. Feel free to share with me more of your favourite chainsaw-loving flicks, and to tell me off if you think I don't quite get the misunderstood chainsaw. I like the banter. It keeps the fever at bay.

I need more Orange Juice and NyQuil, but before I go drug myself into a coma I have one more little thing to share...


The lovely and coveted Zombie Rabbit Award!

Holly from Holly's Horrorland nominated me! I love her blog. She is one of many I have put on my new blogroll I made in the last couple weeks. *tilts head to the right in case you didn't notice* I figured I needed a blogroll to try and post more replies to people's entries in their own blogs. I am so bad at it, and now I have the blogroll as a handy reminder. So I can keep tabs on the peeps I like. Plus it shows people I like the cut of their jibs.

Speaking of, there are rules and shit to this award. Can I navigate rules in my current half-dead state? I shall try...

The Rules:
01.) Give the award up to 10 who you like,
but give a couple the "Next Blog" slider button on top...
so random blogger people can feel the love from a stranger.

[I have to agree with Holly's statement here about not knowing what the heck this means. Maybe I'm too stoned on NyQuil. Maybe I am seeing the drippy gum-drop spots in front of my eyes. I dunno. I like people. I'll pick Ten and let them fight for the limbs off this rotted bunny for themselves! Love is sharing your rotting corpses with your friends!]

02.) Post those you gave the award to,
so fans of your site can see the places you like and Paid It Forward too.

The following people please come to the stage and receive my undying rabies-filled love...

I love you all, readers and bloggers alike. Now I go fall over....Zzzzzz....


  1. While the chainsaw is by no means stealthy or subtle, there is something to be said for sheer intimidation factor. Someone swings a chainsaw at your face, they've got your attention. :)

    Even if they're not as effective as some weapons for actual killing- in addition to the noise you mentioned, there's also a distinctive smell- it's great for herding victims into an area where you have something better set up. Apart from Leatherface, Ash and the dudes from Phantasm, that'd have to be the most effective use of a chainsaw I've ever seen.

  2. Thank you so much for the award! I really appreciate it!

  3. Chainsaws are, in reality, not that great a weapon in combat. Very ackward to use in anything but a couple of angles. But it is great for two things besides what it was made for: first, it's nifty to chop up a Cuban drug guy who is chained in your bathtub to get him to tell you where the money and the Ya-Yo is. Second, it's a great tool for hurting yourself badly by not using it for what it was created for - chopping up trees. Juggling them is just plain gonzo.

  4. Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. I did enjoy the post and your take on the dreaded chainsaw.

  5. If I wasn't already dead I would drop dead this very second! <3 <3 <3 Thank you doll!


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