Tuesday, 16 December 2014


CREEPY GREETINGS READERS! Mad Jester has crawled his ass out of Arkham Asylum to come hang out with me today. HUZZAH! I haven't seen the bugger in way too long, so I made sure to tie his straight jacket down so he would stay put long enough for a talk! While we were chatting about our favorite holiday movies like Bad Santa, Nightmare Before Christmas, Black Christmas, Rare Exports and Santa's Slay, we then had this "inspired" idea about new horror holiday classics that should get made, and started making up our own Holiday Horror movie concepts.

I know. We are insane. One day we will have a podcast, and you can enjoy the actual sounds of us snickering and laughing like idiots as we share ideas.

For now you can just read it. Here is what that conversation looked like:

 Kweeny Todd: So let's list off some of our ideas for new holiday "classics. I'll start: Pinhead Saves Christmas...

Description: Santa finds one of his elves playing with a strange box. He takes it and examines it, only to accidentally open the box, killing Santa with its hooks. Pinhead comes out and in Doug Bradley's amazing voice he says dryly, "Shit, I think we killed Santa. The higher ups aren't going to like this."

 Mad Jester: The Female Cenobite goes, "Chatterer, with your teeth so bright, won't you guide our slaying, tonight?"

Kweeny Todd: And Pinhead, without blinking, grabs the Santa hat, put's it on his head awkwardly, and sighs, "We have such presents to deliver."

Mad Jester: And cut to a scene of kids opening presents on Chistmas morn that makes the scene from Nightmare Before Christmas seem wholesome and benign. *chuckles*

Kweeny Todd: LOL! YES! I'm sold on the movie.
Okay, the next one you mentioned you wanted was Santa's Slay 2! How do you envision that movie? 

Mad Jester: Pretty well writes itself, I think; Bill Goldberg's back as everyone's favourite bringer of yuletide fear, and he's come for revenge on friggin' Nicolas. Because let's face it- if I were shockblocked by that little nebbish, it would be a stain on my pride that could only be washed away with his blood and tears.

Nic and Mary get hitched after the events of the first one, some dumb goth kid summons Santa back from Hell, and he goes on a killing-spree until he gets to their cozy small-town home, and drags them back to Hell with him. Ten outta ten, three thumbs up. *grins evilly*

Kweeny Todd: And more wrestling moves, and evil reindeer-monster racing (I always wanted to see Santa challenge some hot shot in a racing car, kicking his ass after the race) and more horrible Santa puns!

This movie practically writes itself!

Mad Jester: See? It needs to happen. Citizens demand Goldberg piledriving some pimply weasel through the hood of his Daddy's car!

Kweeny Todd:  Exactly! I got another one for ya... SAW: The Christmas Special!
Jigsaw is tired of people not valuing the spirit of Christmas...

"People are so ungrateful for the gifts they receive. But not you, not anymore."

"You got an iPhone from your mother, and it was an older version than that of what you asked for. But you cried and had a hissy fit, making everyone uncomfortable at Christmas. Now you have a choice..."
Mad Jester: OH! Christmas with Jigsaw! A variety-type holiday special, with musical guests Slipknot and GWAR, where a bunch of these ungrateful "my parents got me the wrong iPhone for Christmas, they're such assholes" kids get put into 'games' where they either demonstrate that they know what Christmas is actually about... or they die. (I see a large viewership for that one.)  

"...Take the phone from the Nutcracker's mouth and lose a hand, or drown in 300 gallons of hot eggnog. Live or die... make your choice." JEBUS I hope someone from Twisted Pictures sees this. 

Kweeny Todd: RIGHT? Come on, the people demand this!

Mad Jester: Much rather see that than that CGI Rudolph monstrosity again. *shudder* Honestly, are we TRYING to get Rankin and Bass to spin in their graves?

Kweeny Todd: Truth. Every damn year we drag that shit out from the abominable grave and try to pass it off as festive. You know what would be more festive? Night of the Living Zombie Jesus!

Mad Jester: Seriously! He could shamble around, terrorizing the kids, until some brave little girl hands Him a present and says "Happy birfday, Mister Jesus", and he stops rampaging and gives her a hug and everyone feels Christmas' warm, glowing, warming glow. (And then Zombesus takes a bite out of the kid's head just before it fades to black.)

Kweeny Todd: It's brilliant! 

How about the forgotten Jason Voorhees movie: Jason X-Mas: Jason takes Santa's Workshop. 

 Mad Jester: Hell, couldn't be worse than Jason in Space. *chuckles* Lessee... two elves on break start fucking in the broom closet, and Jason crashes through the window to impale them on a sharpened candy cane. Cue title card. The elves get spooked and split up (because of course they do), and start dropping like flies. Santa implores the Big Guy to knock it off, reminding him of happy Christmases spent with his loving mother...

...and then he remembers her death at Camp Crystal Lake, snaps, and clubs Santa to death with a wrapped baseball bat.

Just the right amount of pathos mixed in with the carnage. 

Kweeny Todd: It's a heart warming...heart ripping tale!

Mad Jester: One of these days one of us is gonna win the lottery, or devour a rich person, and then we'll get some quality holiday movies made. *beams*

Kweeny Todd: I really need to stop devouring random people. I don't exactly get to control my werewolf change, but maybe point me at a rich person next time there's a full moon! Then we will have the budget we need to make more horror Christmas movies!

Mad Jester: There's clearly a demand, now we just need to rustle up the ducats to fill it. (Even if the demand is just us.)

Kweeny Todd: We can be very demanding though.

Mad Jester: And very, very persuasive. Especially if we've got knives. (Pretty, pretty knives...)

Kweeny Todd: *sharpens her razors and grins wickedly*

So that was our...festive discussion on Holiday Horror! What sort of ideas do you readers have for Creepy Christmas movies? I mean, we horror fans love being festive...in our own way. *steeples fingers*


  1. No, no, no! Night of the Living Zombie Jesus is an EASTER tale!

    1. No, see you need to have more vision. It would be a Easter AND Christmmas movie...like Nightmare Before Christmas did for Halloween and Christmas!

  2. You need a Kickstarter. :p I'd watch all of these, especially Pinhead Saves Christmas.

  3. A Great Christmas day to you and yours dear Lady Kweeney...


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