"That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die."
Here it is folks. I have proof that death is dead, and the mighty 'Thulu is rising. That proof my dear readers comes in the form of this preserved holiday Elder Sign:
You know what this crap is. And I'm sure it was forced upon you by some well-meaning friend or relative, who made this slab of grotesqueness as a gift. Of course, the version you got is only a pale shadow of the original power of this cake. A cake I will prove to you is a creation of the Elder Gods. You might think it's just a collection of booze, nuts, fruit, spices and sugar, but I'm telling you, fruitcake is an Eldritch Horror.
Point 1: Fruitcake never goes bad. Why is this? It's the combination of sugar and alcohol (and dark cultist magic) that binds the cake together and keeps germs from collecting within it. Also, if you look closely, you can see the nuts and fruit sometimes form sigils of power for summoning the Old Ones. Fruitcake is one of the very few foods that never goes bad, and thus it was perfect for ritual sacrifices.
From Egyptian burial ceremonies, to feeding Roman Legionaries, to being banned by the Catholic church. The church knew it's true evil purpose. It never slumbers. It never ages. It never rots. Zombies wish they had powers this great.
Point 3: Dark cults that exist only on the internet prove fruitcakes nefarious power. Where else can priests of the Old Ones meet and talk about how they will use Fruitcakes power to awaken Cthulhu? Would a mere piece of chocolate cake hold such sway over the stars? I think not.
Point 4: Even World War 2 Germans could not destroy fruitcake. This fruitcake was created in Queen Victoria's era and even though German's bombed the shit out of London, this evil cake SURVIVED. It has only browned a little with age, but they say inside the cake is still moist. *shiver*
Point 5: In 2005 Fruitcake was considered a national security threat. The US government grew wise to it's power, and feared it for the ageless wisdom it holds within it's nuts and berries. The extreme density of the cakes made TSA agents worry, especially once they scanned them and saw the Elder signs within for themselves.
I'm telling you, the time draws near. The stars will align and Fruitcake will awaken the Old Ones. No one is safe. If you are lucky, perhaps the Fruitcake will get eaten last by Mighty Cthulhu. Or maybe, even he won't even wanna touch the shit with a ten-foot-long tentacle. I know I don't.