ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CREEPMAS MY MONSTERS GIVE TO YOU:
By now you must know I think Santa Clause is scary, but there are lots of weird crap we are subjected to over the holidays. Songs and stories about things that if people really sat down and thought about them, they'd realize it was totally creepy. Since it's Krampus Eve, I thought I'd honor the demon who "Sees you when you're sleeping..." with my personal selection of the critters I think are actually disturbing during the holidays. Stuff we treat as normal festive crap, and never stop think for a moment that it might be wrong if that weirdness REALLY DID HAPPEN.
Like for example: Frosty. The story of Frosty the Snowman is CREEPY. Am I alone on this one? A snow man comes to life, and everyone just sings songs with it and act's like it's totally okay? Not once do the kids question their sanity, or ask if mommy or daddy drugged them. Fine, they are children. Children play make believe. But it's not just the kids who see this guy. They go around town with him, and you start to wonder if the adults were hitting the special brownies. And he's a snowman folks. He shouldn't walk, talk or play games with children. Because we tell our kids all the time to not talk to strangers, and I don't know anything more strange than a talking snowman!
Next on my list of Creepy Creepmas Critters is Santa's reindeer. Let's not even begin to think about how terrible it would be to have a real Rudolph, because a glowing nose is JUST NOT RIGHT. He's probably radioactive or something. But flying reindeer in general is NOT OKAY. They should not fly! Maybe they are ghosts, and that's why they can fly, who knows. It's never explained, and you're just supposed to "Use the spirit of the holidays!" to buy into a lot of BS when these things are told to you. I hear, "Where's your holiday spirit?" a lot when I question this stuff, and usually I tell people I buried it along with my shattered childhood.
I know, I'm such a grinch. Oh well.
And another thing: Reindeer in general are not easily tamable! Sure, you can round them up in a pen and let kids pet them, but I wouldn't let my children do that. They are WILD animals folks. Wild animals are known to bite kids when agitated. I'd bite too if I wasn't allowed to just be a normal reindeer and instead I am forced into a small space so little kids can pet me because it's "Festive" to do so! I also think personally that reindeer are like the long lost cousins of moose. And I've seen moose in action. Those mofo's will own your ass if you cross their path. Ever seen a moose pissed off? Of course you haven't, or you'd be DEAD.
And last on my list: The Nutcracker. I have never, ever felt completely comfortable about the Nutcracker story. I have tried to like it. I even watched a ballet performance of it, but it always seemed very creepy to have this Rat King guy fighting with the Nutcracker Prince. Nutcracker's never looked like heartwarming things either. They are cold, wooden contraptions with fake painted faces and odd expressions. In the play they try to make the nutcracker look charming and pretty, but it never comes across that way to me. A nutcracker coming to life in front of me would make me shit myself. Let alone a creepy Rat King showing up and saying, "Hey kid, how's it going?" I think I'd run away screaming.
So those are just a few of the critters I find creepy during the holidays. What traditionally festive creatures do you think are just a bit too creepy?