Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Genre Talk: Posters That Lie

*Removes a hook from her face* So I'm just hanging around here, on my Hell cruise, and while Pinhead was rearranging my face, I thought to myself, "You know, it would be nice if the horror movies we watch were as cool as some of the posters out there. Some posters are really bitchen! I go see the movie though, and it's complete crapola!"

These thoughts gave me an idea. So when the cenobites went on their coffee break I took the time to share my thoughts with you and post them here. I'm just that kind of person. 

Here is a list I complied of some of the posters I have ever been suckered by. Posters that lead me to believe in monsters, only to find the worst pieces of garbage ever liposuctioned out of film. I'm sure this wont effect the world any, and horror movies will continue to produce crap clothed in Armani posters, but it will make me feel better to rant about it. And to hopefully start some bitch fests with my favourite horror peeps, you readers. 

Let's start with this little shit nugget. Check out that sleek, sexy cover. The name even sounds great right? Skin Walkers. Sounds bad ass. And it should be bad ass. It's about werewolves. Werewolves are bad ass! But this movie falls flat. It's not nearly as impressive as this poster. It's a rambling mess of half baked werewolf lore. Which makes a Wolf-lover like me cry. One single, manly tear.

And here we have exhibit #2. The Happening had NOTHING happening. The poster looks great though doesn't it? Like some crazy Apocalypse shit going on. It even starts off kinda interesting, but then it gets stupid real fast. Once you find out what the big bad is, you loose all faith in the movie. Trust me.

Here we have The Unborn, which had so much potential but failed miserably. Look at this AWESOME poster though right? The movie is FULL of scenes that almost rock, but then the wooden acting, the lazy story telling just gets to you. And this has Gary Oldman! Even HE couldn't save this film.

This creepy looking kid has eyes that scream tortured soul. Don't you agree? Too bad Insidious is insidiously crappy. It starts off pretty cool too. Creepy haunted house stuff, very good pacing. Then it's like some other writer took the script and changed the whole story. Next thing you know, there's a stupid Darth Maul ghost-demon, and they have to battle it in the other world. Ugh. Ridiculous. But the poster is creepy and moody. 

Another masked killer, but he has a bitchen mask right? And his weapon looks nasty. Cromeskull is not a franchise of deep introspection, and the poster doesn't try to convince otherwise. But it does make the masked killer look really fucking cool. And in fact, he's lame. There is nothing interesting about him. He's a flat character, and this second installment doesn't give much in the way of reason or explanation. But hell, there is gore and lots of it. 

This is a remake of an Asian horror, and like most American remakes of Asian horror, they suck. HUGE BALLS. One Missed Call is yet again another watered down interpretation of something much more fucking scary through the eyes of those who made it originally. But damn, look at this poster? Creepy fucking shit.

And those are just a few of my choices. Damn the posters and their awesome advertising power! I'm a sucker for a good poster. What are some posters you've been suckered by? Let's share the misery, before Pinhead gets back and uses my head as a pinata. 


  1. Insidious was pure crap!
    Posters can be as misleading as the movie previews .
    You can only hope for the best.

  2. Long time reader, first time poster..... :)

    All I have to see to know the movie is going to be crap is the name
    M. Night Shyamalan. He did 1 movie that did not suck so hard I felt my skull was being pressed into a cheese block. The Sixth Sense. That was it. I walked out of The Village in the theater. And I will never watch The Happening again. Nor Signs, Unbreakable, or any of the others. So much a black hole sucking in my time and giving nothing in return.

  3. Sometimes movie marketing is so crap. Whomever decided to have the little kid voiceover in the Woman in Black ads do the "she'll be here on Friday" or whatever they've changed it to now? That idiot should be drawn and quartered. Seriously. Changes the entire tone of the ad!

    The Happening made me so angry I started quoting The Lorax in the middle of the theater. But I have such a stalkery girl crush on Zooey Deschanel that I watched the whole blessed thing just because I was mesmerized by her fringe. I will give M Night this: if I go in stoned, I might not notice that he wrote a short story and stretched it out to 18 hours. I might like the pretty pictures!

    Also- The Unborn has Gary Oldman? I love terrible movies, and Hubby loves Gary Oldman. I am ordering that for Valentine's Day. It'll be sweet.

  4. Check out the poster for A*P*E (1976) sometime. Giant ape, on building, giant snake around one arm; giant shark AND cruise ship held in other arm. Then watch the movie. Technically speaking, everything on that poster happens in the movie. But the processes used to achieve them in the movie were so cheap and threadbare they can't legally be called special effects. They are mandated to be called ordinary effects. The only thing true on that poster - it is NOT to be confused with Dino's King Kong. That movie was a masterpiece compared to this one. Of course it goes without saying I love A*P*E and own it on DVD. Cheers!

  5. I don't actually see a lot of movie posters, but I do occasionally get sucked in by ads on TV and such. Insidious was one such instance- gave me the impression it was gonna be like Paranormal Activity with a bigger payoff, but then... that. Honestly I didn't hate it, but it was a big disappointment. Another would be the remake of Friday the 13th; my first impression was something like "Woo! New Uncle Jason movie!", and then... I couldn't even finish the damn thing, and I forced myself to finish Audition and A Serbian Film.

  6. fully agree with Skinwalkers - such a badass poster, such a crap-movie.

    Don't agree with the Happening poster which is IMO as lame as the movie is. At least we both hate the movie... and everyone else out there :)


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