Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Creepmas 05: A How To Guide For Celebrating A Zombie Christmas


I have quite a few friends with a love for the shambling hordes. Of course I love them too, as I love ALL monsters, but being half-werewolf I can't really eat them so I can only enjoy them in an aesthetic way. Like looking at a fine rotting painting made of meat I'd normally devour under the light of a full moon. No worries, Sweeney gets kicks out of my shifting. It's not as classy as murdering folks with a razor, but it is entertaining!

And being half-werewolf, I sympathize with my zombie brethren. I know quite a few awesome people too out there in internet-land who are supporters of the undead. People like iZombie, CabinGoddess, Sharon from Ghost Hunting Theories, RandomGirl, Zombies Everywhere, and more. So in honor of zombie lovers everywhere, this post is for you.

So let's say the end of the world actually happens, and we gotta deal with zombies. But you still wanna celebrate the holiday season with family, even if Dad is now undead. Now, this could be problematic if you see it in a negative light. I like to see this as a challenge. With a little creativity and understanding of our shambling friends, family, and possibly the family pet (if it's a strain of undead-ness that brings pets back too) we can still celebrate with our dead loved ones and survive the Apocalypse! All you need is...

Kweeny's Guide For Celebrating A Zombie Christmas

First off, if you've ever dealt with getting Christmas gifts last minute, then you've already survived a zombie apocalypse! Seriously! People who are lazy, last-minute shoppers become slobbering, angry hordes when they go shopping on Christmas Eve. I've heard horror stories. It's like Black Friday shopping, or as we have in Canada, Boxing Day. Because Canadians are willing to admit they will punch someone in the face like a boxer in the ring for that new iphone on sale.

Anyhow, if you have lived though that, then you have already been trained for this day. Just follow these steps and you'll be roasting brains over an open fire for dear old Dad after he's bitten by the neighbor...

1. Presents: While the fireman, police, ambulances and the like are busy dealing with the start of the invasion, go to the mall and go shopping! Yeah, who friggen cares right? Get all the presents you were putting off buying, and hell, get something nice for yourself. Also pick up some ammo, guns, machetes and such to help fight off the hordes when you leave. If you've seen Dawn of the Dead, you know what to do in a mall by now. Just don't forget to keep the holiday cheer up! If Dad dies from having his hand ripped off, at least you'll know you got him that sweater he wanted!

2. Decorating: Dad has become a shambling dead, but he can still help out with the decorating! He can hold things like strings of lights, tinsel, and stockings. It's always good to have a second pair of hands while you work! Of course, for him to be an effective helper you need to put a Santa hat on him, some manacles to keep him in place (and keep him from biting you), a muzzle for when he's really nippy, and you need to remember not to give him the breakable ornaments. While you are decorating, make sure to board up the windows, lock all doors, and keep the fireplace burning. You can decorate your boards with little paper snowflakes, lights and other such things, so don't feel down about the windows being boarded up!

3. Cooking: So Dad is a drooling corpse, and the rest of the family is hungry. Dad now has special needs doesn't he? He's not gonna want ginger bread cookies or a turkey dinner.

So here's what you do: Go down to the supermarket (killing any zombies who get in the way. You did steal those shotguns at the mall right?) and get some tasty cow or pig brains! Makes sure they are fresh. Pour some human blood on them (and I am sure you can find a creative way to do this) and use a cookie cutter to make shapes out of the brains. You can make some nice festive shapes like ginger bread men, candy canes, you get the idea. Then Dad can eat with the rest of the family!

4. Christmas Cards: Zombie Dad may not understand if you give him a card for the holidays, but at least you don't have to put money in it! If you want to give him a card, give him one with a tasty brain on it, and paint it in human blood. He'll love it! You'll catch him smelling it like it's a scratch and sniff! Hell he might start licking the thing. Of course, if you need help giving out cards, you can strap them to Dad and go for a walk. Having a zombie is handy, and it might keep other zombies off you. Dad can even be trained with enough patience to put cards in mail slots! You might even get him to lick the stamps on them for ya if you put a little human blood on it! (Make sure you bring that shotgun though. I can't guarantee how your zombie outbreak will work. I guess it depends if it's a virus, magic, or bio-engineered...)

5. Caroling: Zombies love music. It's true! Music calms any savage beast. So if carolers come by, they will draw a horde. The horde might not kill them right away, as the undead are likely to stand there and sway to and fro, but once that music is done those caroler's are toast. If you want to protect the living, and enjoy Christmas music, just play C.D's of Christmas music in your home! It will keep you and your family safe, as well as calm Dad down if he is getting excited before dinner. The smell of human blood will make him a little crazy.

Just follow these" simple" steps, and I am sure you will enjoy the festive season and still have a good time with your recently zombified relative! Being dead has never been so cheery!

1 comment:

  1. They finally re-posted the Sweeney Todd clip "Little Priest" on You Tube.... oh ...and we posted a cool Sweeny Todd post on "Mrs. Lovette's Cooking Tips"... at the Crypt... Later Dear Lady and have yourself a wonderful day...


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