Thursday, 6 December 2012

Creepmas Day 6: This Episode of Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes...

Is brought to you by all those annoying gifts you never really wanted, and now have to return but you lost the receipt!

And of course, the warning: May contain spoilers, blah blah blah. May also put you to sleep faster than watching paint dry! Today's pile of dung is...

Kweeny Todd: Important question time: Did your eyes fall out? Mine threatened to explode from my skull. Or maybe that was Sweeney punching them from inside again...
 Mad Jester: *laughs* Quite against their wishes, they remain rooted in my sockets. I swear, I've NEVER been so bored watching pretty women dance provocatively.

KT: I know right? Naked ladies everywhere and not a plot to be found.
MJ: There's a plot, it's just buried under 4 metric tons of hot cheese and styrofoam peanuts.
KT: *cackles* Well before we get too deep into this reindeer-shit-pie, please explain to the readers the piece of dick-cheese you forced me to watch with you.
MJ: *chuckles evilly* You asked for the poopy, the Jester brings the poopy. This time, we're serving up a heapin' helping of heave-worthy holiday ham, in the form of 1996's Santa ClawsDamn me and my talent for locating schlock.

 KT: You do have a talent for it. It almost surpasses my own. I applaud you for your endeavors. *slow claps and takes a swig of Kraken rum to wash the pain down with* Aright where do we begin? Because holy hell this thing is BAD.

 MJ: It is, as you say, a 16-ounce glass of dook-nog. There's so much to choose from! For example, the pacing is... just... AGONY. Sure, John Russo gives us some very nice cheesecake scenes, but EVERY LAST ONE of them is held- and repeated- way too much. The cheesecake is milked so hard, I'm amazed there weren't bruises on all the titties.
KT: *cackles* I swear the majority of this film is naked ladies posing provocatively for the camera. It's like the movie isn't quite sure what it wants to be. It starts off as a tale about a kid who kills his mom and uncle/step dad at Christmas time, then goes right into this cheesecake horror mag thing... By the way: WHO SLEEPS WITH A DEAD GUY'S BROTHER? No wonder the kid kills her!

MJ: That is pretty fucking gross. I don't know, maybe they thought they could inject the film with some second-hand credibility if they included the central plot of Hamlet.
 KT: Well they failed. Badly. This is so far from Shakespeare. It's on planet SUCK. So yeah, the idea for this magazine that the viewers are suddenly supposed to care about is called SCREAM QUEENS. They neither scream or act like queens. It's just really an excuse to make them strip for horror fans. *grumbles* Like that's the only thing we like or want in our horror.

OMG Boobs! 
MJ: Exactly! It's like Russo and Michelucci were sitting there, thinking of how to get a feature-length movie out of the half-hour of (disjointed, hammy) acting they got... then, in a flash of inspiration, put down the coke spoon, looked at each other and simultaneously shouted "TITS!" And then picked the spoon back up and ripped through a half-ounce.

 KT: *nods* Pretty much what I was thinking. I think if I could give it a rough estimate, 22 minutes of this 1 hour and 22 minute film is actual story. The rest: TITS. Tits as far as the eye can see....But hey! They are festively dressed!

MJ: Oh, indeed. Red-and-green-bedecked, jingle-bell-festooned, mistletoe-draped tits, popping out faster than the windows of an Advent calendar bought on December 23rd.

KT: Mmm, chocolate Advent Calenders...*coughs and wipes the drool away* Anyhow, the tits are a big chunk of the film, which is why we are going on about it. I mean, there really isn't much else to this film! There is a weak plot, shitty acting, bad camera-work...I mean Lloyd Kaufman makes better shlock films and he has tits everywhere! He just doesn't spend the majority of his movie focused on them! Was this film made by a pre-pubescent boy?

MJ: Naaah, prepubescent boys have much more sexual maturity. Kaufman makes his schlock with LOVE- everyone goes in knowing they're making campy, fun doodoo, and the fun they have making the films is felt by us, the viewing audience. This film has all the fun and heart of a hungover grudge-fuck, and leaves you feeling twice as dirty.
KT: Indeed. I felt really dirty watching it, and horribly bored. I don't even think drinking more would have helped make the people less wooden and the plot less empty. This movie is the horror equivalent of getting a box of socks with naked ladies on them for Christmas. Sure, you got naked ladies...but it's still a pair of boring socks!

MJ: And socks are only sexy for the ten seconds or so you're making love to them. *ahem* Er, I mean yeah, socks suck! Now leaving Tits-a-palooza aside, let's look at the part that's supposed to be 'horror'. Now, watching Wayne, was I alone in getting less of a 'seriously disturbed killer' vibe, and more of a 'mentally challenged Sesame Street connoisseur' one? 'Cuz he struck me as the less-intimidating brother of Jobe from Lawnmower Man.
Friends always talk to each other like they are gonna make out! 
KT: Oooh man! I so agree. And why was Raven friends with him? WHO IS THAT FRIGGEN FRIENDLY WITH THEIR FANS? Especially a guy who looks like he might crap his pants at any moment because he can't control his bodily functions! And she leaves him with her kids!

MJ: "Sure, creepy weasel-faced special-needs person from across the street who's constantly peeking at my chest when he thinks I'm not looking, you can watch my daughters (Sa-VAWNa and AWN-drea) while I'm at work! Try not to yank off in my panty drawer while I'm gone!"
 KT: *shakes her head* Raven's husband is a piece of work too! Was I supposed to care they were on the verge of a divorce? Because to me Raven was being a needy, whining bimbo while Mr.Raven was fucking some uglier girl during a photo shoot. Why must women be treated like empty tit slates? 
MJ: Oh come on, now. You know you're only there to catch our semen and further our ambitions. But you're right, her husband is... wow. Dad of the Year. Doesn't even have the decency to tell his WIFE that there's something wrong in their marriage, choosing instead to disclose it to the woman he's fucking on the side. And that only works if you're banging your psychiatrist.

KT: It really is pathetic. Like this movie is a testament to everything you don't want to see in horror. Even the special effects are weak! Who KILLS people with a garden rake? I think that's what that stupid thing was. It's not even sharp! That's right...GARDEN THEIR FACES OFF EVIL SANTA!

All I wanna do is make love to you...and RAKE YOUR FACE!
 MJ: It's called a hand cultivator, and it is approximately as dangerous as a bowl of cold spaghetti. It's blunt, it's unwieldy, and it would take the upper-body strength of a roid-raging silverback lowland gorilla to actually use it as a slashing weapon. And the blood? Are you goddamn KIDDING? They make a POINT IN THE MOVIE to say that movie-blood is nothing more than corn syrup and red food colouring, and then use it so sparingly that it looks like puncture-wounds were drawn on with a red Sharpie.
Maybe they shot their budget on that SUPER-AWESOME score. Never have bodies been buried to such grossly inappropriate music.

Oh noes! He's got me in a choker hold!
KT: I know! Who dies from a few little puncture wounds to the face? And oh man, that music! So dead on there buddy! That music was HORRIBLE. And did they play that Scream Queen song twice? It sure felt like it. Probably because that scene of her stripping went on FOREVER. That Scream Queen song sounded like an attempt at 80's hair metal.
 MJ: They played it three times. I kept count. And that's exactly what it was- it was so glam-rock I was expecting David Lee Roth to let out a "WOO-HOO-HOO!" in the middle of it. On the upshot, the vocalist sounded a bit like Lee Aaron, and Lee Aaron is amazing. But then HEY LOOK RAVEN'S STILL DANCING, YOU GUYS, and then I want to beat my head against a stucco wall until I can taste bone-dust.
 KT: Lee Aaron is pretty cool. But yeah, three times...damn I was so brain dead watching this even zombies wouldn't find anything tasty to eat off me. The movie sucked my will to live away. And I wasn't drooling because of the tits. And you know I like tits! I even own a pair of my own! Doesn't mean I want to watch a boring film focused on them! Ugh have we beaten this movie to a pulp enough? Or do you still got your shit kicking boots on?
MJ: *chuckles* No, I want to drink until this movie is nothing more than a throbbing ache in my head and a mouth that tastes like the bottom of a birdcage. Any more time spent on it, and I'm going Amish so I don't have to watch bad movies anymore. I will raise barns, play the fiddle and live on root vegetables and cocaine.

KT: Hey! Don't give up on me solider! I'm not watching these crap movies alone! You signed away your soul long ago to me, so now you owe me buddy! *pats Jester on the back* But tonight, you can rest. I will allow it.

MJ: *grumbles and plunks down with a bottle of Cuervo Gold and a crazy-straw* One of these days, you're gonna take that amulet off. Then we'll see what's what.
 KT: Why would I do that? So I can suffer these painful headaches alone? *strokes chin* Though I wonder, if I remove the amulet, will Sweeney go away? Because then I might finally get some sleep. *looks down at Jester* Do you know what it's like to have a singing demon barber in your head?
 MJ: *laughs* Pal-o-mine, I've got stuff in here that makes it look like Cirque su Soleil had a kid with House of 1000 Corpses. All the more reason to drink, say I. *takes a long pull through the straw*

KT: *puts her own crazy straw beside MJ's in the bottle* It's time for us to drink ourselves into oblivion, so thank you guys for reading! Hope you enjoyed watching us torture ourselves as much as we...hmm...I don't think we enjoyed ourselves. Especially with this movie...

MJ: Seriously. It made me think I was becoming bored with tits, and that's a frightening prospect. (Say, now, maybe THAT'S where the horror is!) Anyway- so long, gorecrows, and thanks for the read!


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