And of course, the warning: May contain spoilers, blah blah blah. Make sure you wear your odor eaters for this one!
|Classy Box Art is Classy|
Kweey Todd: Let's get this show on the road so we can scrub our brains with alcohol...
Mad Jester: Best idea I've heard all day, apart from when the voices told me to pee in that old lady's purse.
KT: What I have I told you about listening to the voices?
MJ: sigh "Never out in public, never if it involves my junk."
KT: Good boy. pets Now sit your butt down and review this Ass-Blaster of a movie with me. I don't want to do it alone.
MJ: Okayyyy... sits So, where to begin?
KT: Well, first off, did you realize we started this insanity for last years Halloween Countdown! It's grown since then, but I feel like we've come full circle. A year of AMFE!
MJ: Heh, I hadn't thought of that. One full year of metaphorically grinding ash into our eyes for the enjoyment of others. Almost feels like the occasion calls for a cake. Don't want a slice of that cake, though- Torgo only knows what it's made of. And the frosting looks a little flyblown.
KT: And it's shaped like a giant Bigfoot...Bet it smells like toe jam and farts.
MJ: Farts, if you're lucky!
KT: chuckles Speaking of Bigfoot...today's donkey-punch of a movie is called exactly that. Why don't you inform the readers a little about what it's about...and try to not puke in your mouth while you do it.
MJ: swallows hard Today's offering of offal is, indeed, entitled Bigfoot, and stars John Carradine and a bunch of people you've never heard of. It's about- I shit you not, good readers- a sasquatch who tries to repopulate his dwindling species with human women. And the assorted hicks, con men and halfwit bikers who try to stop him from getting his poorly-costumed freak on.
KT: And the worst part, it's BORING AS SNOT! I swear I had to staple my eye lids open to watch this! Lord Bearington thought I was slipping in and out of a diabetic coma from all the candy I've been eating.
MJ: The pacing doesn't help matters. I swear, the director (one Robert F. Slatzer, if you want to know where to send the hate-mail/anthrax) studied The Manos: the Hands of Fate Guide to Establishing Shots (alternate title: How to Make Your Viewing Audience Beg for Death). Whenever anyone had to travel from one place to another, we got to watch the ENTIRE AGONIZING TRIP, from beginning to end. It was like the director thought our suspension of disbelief wouldn't survive seeing a character arrive at a place without watching them make the trek!
KT: Oh I know. Slow, brutal scenes of 70's twat-waffles on bikes going up the hill, down the hill, up the hill, down the hill...
MJ: And that... soundtrack. I know it was 1970 and all, but is upbeat, twangy country music really the appropriate accompaniment for two rubes and a magically-animated mannequin hunting Rapesquatch in the dark?
KT: I swear they were hiding disco balls under the Bigfoot's hair. Every time the music started up I was reminded of Disco Fever. And that Blonde girl...I don't remember her name as it was irrelevant to me, but DAMN she was stacked! And they made sure to put her in a belt dress with a slit so we could see that her boobs were pasted in...
MJ: Y'know, the thought of Bigfoot having disco-balls for juevos actually serves to make the premise more entertaining. But yes, big ups to the good folk at Elmer's Glue for keeping Joi's knockers from guest-starring. (As opposed to the uncredited walk-on they get as is.) A thin, wispy little piece of not-bloody-much is, of course, ideal clothing for wandering in the woods. Was there, in fact, any reason for her to have taken off that perfectly good jumpsuit, other than cheap cheesecake? (Not that I'm knocking cheap cheesecake, but I dislike plot holes.)
KT: Well Bigfoot needs some bitches to "pro-create" with after all! Otherwise, the so-called plot they are trying to contrive would fall apart without babes to bang. Even though I saw very little banging and the babes are well... they leave much to be desired. Hell, very little is done in this film as is. The only things that die in this film are a couple animals and the Big Daddy Sasquatch.
MJ: Yep- a puma dies for the crime of scaring Joi, and that poor old bear gets mauled to death for daring to be hungry enough to think Screaming Skank Tartare is a good idea.
KT: I have to say...the fight with the Sasquatch and the bear, BEST SCENE IN THE FILM! I was rooting for the bear though as I have a fondness for them. Somewhere off scene Lord Bearington growls cutely See, if that was his Lordship, bear would have won. And looked dashing while doing it. (And would have been much more entertaining to boot!)
MJ: chuckles Doubtless. And then the movie could have ended about a half-hour sooner, so everybody wins!
KT: YAY! Another gripe I have with the movie: It was too dark! Half the time I couldn't see what was going on. Not that much happens in this.
MJ: No indeed. They seemed to use the old technique of daytime footage + blue filter = nighttime footage, which deepens the shadows and makes it very hard to see. About a third of the movie was "inky, blotchy nothingness with Jasper B. Hawkes' voice berating Briggs somewhere". If I wanted to listen to morons arguing in pitch darkness, I'd start getting blackout-drunk in shitkicker bars again.
KT: It was really frustrating to try and make out what was going on, especially when NOTHING was going on.
MJ: EXACTLY. It's like wrestling with the wrapper on a chocolate bar, only to find a dead mouse in place of your Snickers. A dead mouse has nutrients, same as Bigfoot is a way to pass the time- but in both cases, it's disappointing at best, and liable to make you barf up things you ate in a past life.
KT: nods grimly I really wish I had something more to say about this movie, but it's just such boring tripe it doesn't even have funny things to comment on like undead-nazi-midgets who eat their own faces off. The only thing I can think of is the Bear wrestling the Sasquatch scene. That's it.
MJ: holds back tears Oh gods, Hard Rock Zombies WAS better than this! Do you know what that fucking says about your movie, Slatzer? Do you know what kind of abomination you've birthed unto a world already groaning under the weight of monsters and mediocrity?! screaming HARD ROCK ZOMBIES WAS BETTER THAN THIS! Hear me, and know your shame, Slatzer! There's a special place in Hell for you, and until now Krishna Shah was keeping it warm for you! You'll be gargling Ernest Bognine's nutsweats and listening to Ke$ha for eternity, you fucker!
takes a deep breath I... hah.... I'm okay now. I think I'm okay.
KT: blinks slowly and claps That was...beautiful.
MJ: slumps in his seat, dazed and panting ...Hard Rock Zombies was better...
KT: nods and pets MJ I know, it hurts my black heart too.
MJ: Can we go to his house and stuff his dog into him?
KT: strokes chin Yes, yes we can. Or sick Lord Bearington on him. He enjoys mauling bad directors.
MJ: HA! Beautiful irony- killed by a recreation of the one watchable scene in his asspimple of a movie! RELEASE THE BEAR!
KT: She smiles and goes off screen, where the sounds of chains being unlocked are heard and a roar of a mighty bear Go my pretty, KILL FOR YOUR KWEENY!
MJ: Right-O! Well, looks like Kweeny's busy whipping Bear into a killing-fever, so I'll take this opportunity to thank you for reading- it's been a Hell of a year, and the next 365 are looking mighty bleak indeed. So, from myself, Kweeny and the Mountain with Teeth, it's ta-ta 'til next time. Happy Hallowe'en, if you don't hear from me again 'til after- and with any luck, we'll be decorating with the head of Robert F. Slatzer on a pike! See ya, creepy peeps!