In Kweeny's Magic Gory Kingdom...

Today is the Annual Blogger Zombie Walk!

For this special event I'm going to tell you the story of what happened to me at the walk-that-never-happened-in-real-life. I'm going to recall the tale as if I was just there. We are gonna pretend the internet is it's own magical universe where dreams do come true and trolls are real and can get stepped on with power words typed from your keyboard. Sound fun? Then follow my insane candy trail kids, as I recall...

 The Zombie Walk of My Dreams/Nightmares:

I finally got my ass to a zombie walk! For years I've been trying to get to one, only to have life come tackling me like a football player on speed and ruining my plans. Lame. But this year I made it to one. This year I would shamble with the great hordes.

I got my outfit all ready, and was quite pleased with myself. My makeup was a wonderfully photo-shopped mess of zombie goodness. I knew I'd fit right in with the other blogger zombies. Though on second thought, maybe I went overboard impairing my eyesight, as you will find out later in the tale.

Dressed for success I went to the meeting place. The crowd was huge. Everyone was dressed in gory finery, and I could tell they were all very hungry. Some people went all out. They looked more dead than dead people, and smelt like decaying apples. Once we began shuffling, there was no stopping us. We were legion. Roaming the lands chanting our need into the night like rabid, rotting hell-hounds.

Everything seemed pretty cool. We were shambling right along, me with my blogger peeps doing our best Walking Dead impersonations. Justine, Nicole, Pixie, Sharon  and I were goofing off and got ahead of the pack. We got distracted by window shopping and the gals decided I would look smashing in a pink tutu. I hadn't told them yet that pink was my kyptonite and that I'd explode upon contact by it.They were really doing some good impressions of slow zombies in the back behind us, and their moans just became a dull droning noise we barely noticed. Once the girls were done tormenting me, we waited at a nearby street corner for folks to catch up. Then suddenly it dawned on me. That nagging feeling you get in the back of your skull that sounds like your mother does when she's bitchy and is coming after you. "When I get my hands on you, you'll wish you were never born!"

If I wasn't wearing make up, I'd have gone pale. As it was my face dropped, and I must have looked hilarious because Pixie looked at me and snickered, "Kweeny, did you swallow a razor blade or something? You look freaked out! And with only one eyeball, your face is WEIRD looking!"

I gave her a bland look, "My face is ALWAYS weird looking!" I stroked my chin in contemplation, "Something's wrong...."

Sharon put her pixelated rotted hand on my shoulder for support and said, "What is it?"

And that's when I heard the music change.

We all turned around in unison like they do in really bad zombie movies, and realized some of our fellow bloggers were...not playing. It would seem that iZombie was not in impeccable makeup that made him stand out alongside the crowd as the most amazing dead-head of the bunch. And that smell he was giving off, I thought he was just farting from eating too many bean burritos the night before! While we were busy trying to get our shuffle down and peering into shop windows at all the Halloween stuff coming out for next month, iZombie was eating people! He turned on all his fellow bloggers and just started munching!

Now it was for realz.

"Oh crap!" Nicole remarked, "They aren't pretending anymore are they?"

"Nope." I said, and cracked my knuckles, "This is not a game anymore."

Before I could even begin to formulate a plan, Justine screamed. She had been grabbed by the now really undead Little Gothic Horrors, who somehow made being a dead thing look good. If it wasn't for that milky, blind look in her eyes, I wouldn't have guessed she was really dead. I'd have just figured she was going out on the town, with prefect black eye liner and looking like Morticia Adams.

She had grabbed Justine's arm and bit down hard, blood and meat squirting out of her like someone turned on the fire hose full blast. Damn low budget effects! Justine howled like a banshee, and tried to fight off the hungry Gothic Horror with little success. It was a shame, but I know the rules. Once someone's bitten, they are doomed.

"Shit." I said, "Run!"

So we did. Before running I tripped over a newspaper stand hoping it would slow the pack down, and Sharon took off one of her shoes and threw it at Gothic Horrors head. Poor Justine was on the floor, slowly being covered in zombie hordes as the rest saw the meal left for them. Gothic Horrors seemed to lift her head only briefly. And as lazy zombies tend to do, decided we were not worth the effort and went back to her meal that was now covered in zombies. They moved like flies on honey to poor Justine's freshly bloodied corpse.

Nicole was running like she was a marathon sprinter, and I seemed to take up the rear. I really needed to get into shape. We turned a corner and Sharon checked to see if they were far enough away to give us a breather. Feeling this was a good moment to rest, we all stared at each other as the older folks wheezed like chain smokers.

Pixie, being a youngen and easily bouncing back, turned to me and said, "Where's Bruce Campbell when you need him?"

"Off set having a sandwich." I groaned, and ran a hand through my now sweaty hair. My make up had started running, and I was sure I looked scarier than the clown from the movie IT. Of course, I don't even have half the class of Tim Curry, and my accent is Canadian. No one but my husband finds that sexy.

Sharon being a resourceful lady, saw a hardware store across the street. She pointed at it with a trembling finger and said through panting breaths, "There!" *Wheeze* "We go there!"

I smiled darkly and nodded. "It's on Zombie Bitches!"

So we ran some more, as the zombies behind us finished their meal and starting coming toward us. Nicole started fumbling with the doorknobs on the double doors, and when she realized they were locked, got angry and started slamming her hands against it in rage.

"DAMN IT PEOPLE! LOCKING YOUR SHOP UP WHEN I NEED ME SOME WEAPONS!"

"Clam down," I said, and rummaged through my purse for anything I could use to pick the lock. 'I got this."

Sharon pulled Nicole away from the doors and tried to calm her down, but when the silly chick looked behind her she saw the mass of hungry mouths and groping arms and freaked.

"Kweeny...I love you. Don't take this the wrong way but hurry up BITCH!"

People always panic when their death is mindless corpses...

I found a bobby pin and started shaping it with my teeth as I said to her, "Dude, 5 mins! I said I got this!"

I put the metal into the lock and started fiddling, waiting for that magic click sound. It always feels like you won the lottery when you pop a lock. Pixie was starting to get nervous too, and was tapping my shoulder like a little kid does when they want ice cream, "Kweeny...their coming!"

Of course, what I didn't tell them was I was thinking this the whole time:

When the lock finally popped the other girls nearly ran over me to get inside. Lucky for them I'm made of tough stuff. I grumbled and dusted myself off as we all piled inside and closed the door behind us. Sharon grabbed a two by four and I stuck it in the looped handles of the double doors, and it worked nicely as a block. When the shambling masses finally got to our location, they slammed the weight of their bodies against it, making the wood creek and the doors rattle. But it wasn't gonna hold for long.

We didn't need to be told what to do next. It was ass kicking time. We raided the place for weapons. Pixie found a weed whacker and was gonna do it all Brain Dead style. Nicole got two hand saws and a splatter shield helmet. She didn't wanna get too messed up. And Sharon got herself a chainsaw. She revved that thing up and smiled menacingly at me and I nodded my approval.

I got a shot gun I found under the cash register and loaded that bad boy up.

We were fucking ready. The Charlies Angels of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Now I'd like to report that the following was full of epic zombie ass kicking. I really would. I'd like to say we dames cleaned house and just went ninja all over the shambling hordes. It should have looked something like this:

But it looked more like this:

They over ran us. We fought hard, but each of us ran into problems. Pixies weed whacker ran out of juice halfway through cutting up Horror Smorgasbord's limbs, Sharon's chainsaw got jammed on bits of bone coming off of Zombies Everywhere head. And Nicole got bitten by A Ghoul's Best Friend while hand sawing off Cherry Neko's grabby hands.

And me well...I was the last dumb ass standing. Surrounded by dead things, with no friends left and running low on bullets. Plus, remember my eye make up? It left me with a blind spot that I could barely keep track off. I got bit by none other than Zombies Are Magic, who took a huge chunk out of my shoulder.

That's when I heard iZombie laugh. Which seemed strange because I never heard a fucking zombie laugh before. I watched him move through the crowd toward me, shambling some but still looking more aware than the rest of the pack. I suppose it was because he was the leader. The pain in my arm was excruciating and I was loosing a lot of blood fast. I could have really used a survival kit. Like this one:

But this isn't Left for Dead. This is a fake recounting of a totally serious event of zombie horror!


So I suppose you are wondering how this madness ended? Did I just fight it out to the bitter end? Did iZombie use his super zombie powers on me to make me bend to his will? Did we all just throw up our hands and say, "Just kidden!" Then went to the park and have cupcakes?

Or did it totally end like this:

You know it totally ended in music. It has to! Everything in my world ends with a music number! My name is Kweeny Todd. I will rip off good musical numbers whenever I can!

And that's the end of my crazy tale. I was going to do something more serious and thought, NAH. It's a friggen zombie walk. It needs more cowbell. Normal? I don't do normal over here. What is normal anyhow?

So now that you've read my madness, it's time you shamble your ass through the blogging world of zombie mayhem. Enjoy this list of fellow zombie enthusiasts, many of whom I mentioned in this post. (iZombie I mentioned because he made the awesome banner for the walk above) I couldn't mention everyone, but just assume if you were not named you were a zombie. Have a good time and remember, Zombies have feelings too...


Wait, no they don't! They are just hungry. Right...


Ghost Hunting Theories
Above the Norm: Bizarre Arizona
Zombies Everywhere
Holly's Horrorland
Little Gothic Horrors
Anything Horror
Katy Bennett Horror Writer and Poet
Bubba's Place
Horror Smorgasbord
Gnostalgia
Monkey Man
Words and Music
Red Shoes Chronicles
The Wolf's Eyes
My Day in a Sentence
Pixie's Horror Galore
Strange State
The Misadventures of HalloweeNut
Halloween Blues
Kweeny Todd
The California Blogging Massacre
Horror Shock Lolipop
Vanessa Morgan
Improbable Frontiers
No Really, You Can Eat It
Art By Living Dead Girl Nicole
Two Gory Chicks
A Dust Bunny in the Wind
A Ghoul's Best Friend
Zombies Are Magic
Cherry Neko Saves the World
Tall Tales
At the Mansion of Madness
The Haunted Rose
The Rotting Zombie
Halloween Overkill
Out of the Shadows
Creepy Glow Keyhole Gallery
Creepy Glowbugg
Bifocal Univision
Haiku-Koo-Koo
Sherry Soule
Anchors and Roses
Paranormal Researchers Group
Whispering Pines History
Lovely Miss Megs
Sean Thomas Fisher's Blogwash
Rise and Fight
Stump Town Horror
LoliClown's Little Blog of Horror
Zombies Can't Love
Books and Beyond
The Grave Bandits
Screaming Goregasms
Lazy Daisy Life
Icky Monster
Pretty in Fiction
Ivy's Closet
Justine's Halloween
Annie Walls
Just Johnny

Kweeny's Minion Reviews...

...a movie for you guys today. I'm preparing for the Blogger Zombie Walk in two days and the Halloween Countdown, so I asked my bro Mad Jester to pull up his pants and flex his writing chops instead of playing Nintendo DS all day and teasing his children. He agreed, because my powers of persuasion are mighty like Wolverine's nipples. He is a bit of an over-achiever, it's cute. Then again, I review entire franchises sometimes while hyped up on Mountain Dew. *shrug* Enjoy his ramblings readers! 


Also, I'll be hanging out with my fellow Fangirls on Fangirl Radio tomorrow night. The episode will be airing NEXT SAT. You can tune into the show 10 PM CST on Saturdays with a replay at 9 PM CST on Sundays: http://www.fangirlmag.com/news/the-second-episode-records-tomorrow-night/

I promise to hound folks about it again when it airs.

 ~Kweeny

MAD JESTER REVIEWS....

FUNNY GAMES

Hello, boils and ghouls! (Yes, I wanted you to read that in The Cryptkeeper's voice.)

            

Name's Mad Jester. Kweeny has kindly consented to let me write a guest review for the blog- a chance at which I leapt. I love sharing my viewpoint on horror movies with people, especially the thought-provoking ones that leave you with philosophical or metaphysical questions. One such movie, I'm glad to report, is a nifty little entry from Warner Independent- a shot-for-shot remake of the 1997 German-language classic, Funny Games.

            I'll first discuss the overall gestalt of the movie, before moving on to specific ratings. The film starts kind of slowly: our protagonists arrive at their summer home in upstate New York and begin settling in for a week of sailing and fishing that's never going to occur- when a knock at the door introduces us to one of the creepiest-yet-most-unassuming characters I've ever seen outside of my high school. He claims he's been sent over by his mother for some eggs, but our boy Peter (as we learn shortly) is one of a pair of serial killers working their way through this affluent neighbourhood, and shortly after Paul (his partnert-in-violent-crime) arrives, the pretense is dropped and the 'fun' begins. (For varying definitions of fun, of course- I liked it, but I'm sick in the head.)

            Peter and Paul are pretty unique in the field of psycho killers, in a couple of important ways. This is not to say that they stand out in the severity of their violence, or the weight of their presence. In fact, the opposite is true in the latter case: they're unnervingly quiet and unnassuming, the sort you wouldn't expect to be able to look a woman in the eye, let alone shatter a man's patella with his own golf club. To me, this makes them especially creepy- there's almost a clinical detachment there, like it's just a job to them. Which, actually brings me to the second way our clean-cut gore-crows stand out:

            They're fully aware they're in a horror movie.

            Yeah, you read that right. When the mother (played brilliantly by Naomi Watts) starts asking "Why are you doing this?", Paul acts surprised that they don't know... turns to the camera and speculates whether or not the audience knows why. Looks us right in the eye, the cocky little bastard. And it\s not the only time the fourth wall is destroyed, either- in one scene, Ann (Watts) grabs a shotgun away from Paul (Michael Pitt) and blows a hole in Peter's (Brady Corbet's) stomach- whereupon Peter searches the living room, finds the remote control for their home theater system, REWINDS THE MOVIE THEY'RE IN (as in, the movie you're watching plays backwards) to the beginning of the scene, and prevents her from taking the shotgun away.

            It's almost cheating, really, but it works in context. Part of me wants to call shenannigans, and part of me wishes Freddy were able to do that.

            Further muddying the waters in the river between fiction and reality is one of the final scenes, in which Peter and Paul get into a discussion on the relative 'realness' of fiction, and how it can interact with the 'real' world. One can't help but be called back to  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead- which is funny, because Tim Roth, who played Guildenstern, plays the father George in Funny Games. Maybe Roth just has a penchant for existentialism.

            In all, I'd say that Funny Games succeeds as a horror movie, because the almost-subtle malice engendered by Peter & Paul (or Tom & Jerry, or Beavis & Butthead- they call each other by different names at different times) is almost like an empty vessel or blank slate, in that they all but cry out to project our fears onto them, while maintaining an air of genteel civility. (While tormenting an innocent family.) The dread doesn't come from the impending violence- you see it coming far enough away that it doesn't shock- but more from seeing how they'll behave while they do what they do. And of course, they know they're doing it all for us.

            Which makes us the monsters. And that's just goddamned cool.

            Now, onto the specific scores:

Tension/ Dread: 8/10

            As stated previously, the tension doesn't come from the acts, but the behaviour, and the existential nature of the film. This stuff could happen, does happen all the time in the real world... but not like this. (At least I HOPE not like this- that'd be just a little too A Serbian Film for my liking!) It starts off leading one to think the film's a minor-key home-invasion torture-porn outing, and pleasantly surprises one with the Left Hook of Metaphysical Ponderance.

Cinematography: 7/10

            The only real issue here is that some shots are framed so that the violence happens just off-camera- which sometimes works to build tension, and sometimes does not. There are also some minor pacing issues in some scenes, with establishing shots being held a little long. Nothing glaring, but it does throw off the rythm somewhat. This may be intentional, but I found it slightly jarring.

Acting: 8/10

            Wow. It's not very often that I revise my opinion of an actor's performance in the middle thereof, but Pitt and Corbett's  characters transition so smoothly from 'slightly creepy kids' to 'decadent sociopaths' that one almost has to watch the scene again to see just what the Hell happened. Watts plays the brave suburban housewife to the hilt, and Roth's weak-kneed (HA!) dad is impeccable.

Gore : 4/10

            It's just not that gory a film, but then, it doesn't have to be. The point is never the violence. This movie does a great job of making one's jaw drop without having to saw off limbs. There's blood, of course, but not the great honking buckets of it that one sees in, say, Hostel or the like. Which is fine- they can't all be The Audition, nor would I want them to be.

Villain Charisma: 5/10

            Peter and Paul aren't as likeable as some horror movie baddies, but that's kind of the point. They're not there for us to relate to, they're there to alienate us and make us uncomfortable. Which puts me in rather an awkward spot- I like them because they're uniquely unlikeable.

            So there, gentle readers, is my review of Funny Games. In short, if you want a smart piece of horror that'll leave you staring at the screeen saying "Huh!" to yourself a few times, bear this little gem in mind. 

IN THE GORY KINGDOM THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!

Just a reminder readers that on Friday I'll be doing my part in the shambling awesome of the Blogger Zombie Walk! It's gonna be fun! We could use your support.

Remember...

Kweeny Krafts: Crayon Pirates!

And cake and updates and...

Sorry for the delay on getting posts up the last few days, I came down with a nasty bug of doom and it knocked me out. I almost wasn't healthy enough for my husbands birthday party, but I managed it. Our wonderful, hilarious friends made him a brony cake, complete with magical rainbow swirls within. Before I show you my abominations in art, I will show you this delicious abomination in cake form:

It was seriously delicious. I kid you not. And it had nerds on the top for pony droppings. I am totally gonna take that cute little pony (I think they said her name was rainbow sparkle or some crap) and I am gonna GOTH HER OUT. Then Bear can take her to work. She'll be a proper attention whore once I'm done with her.

*cough* So moving on, I promised to readers I'd pimp them out crazy crayon style as pirates. And I keep my promises. So without further ado here are my pirate posse ready to sail with Captain Kweeny:

Here we have Michael Jones looking swashbuckling awesome. I know his hand looks weird. I'm an ARTISTE. It means I purposely fuck shit up to make it awesome. Yeah. Meant to do that and everything. It's symbolic of the turmoil in my soul, uh, yeah.

And here we have one of my biggest fans Phil, looking all dashing and ready to kick some ass. He really does have long hair folks, at least last time I saw him. I dunno if he cut it recently, but I work with the photos I got at my disposal and TRY to make them look like cartoony versions of the real thing.

I'm thinking of just dropping the Wednesday part of Wicked Weapons, as I am terrible with keeping up with things if I don't force a deadline on myself. I mean, I like doing things like the Halloween Countdown's and such, because they are kinda forced deadlines but for a fun reason. I just don't think I can do it FULL TIME. I don't consider my blog a completely serious thing, just a fun place to write and share my crazy ramblings. I do work hard on my posts, but I have a lot of fun doing so. I'm gonna get back to novel writing soon and then I will need strict deadlines, and I will feel burdened if I put deadlines on the blog too. Don't wanna stifle myself. So I will just post Wicked Weapons posts from now on whenever I get inspired to. :)

Thanks to all the readers who still stick by my crazy blog! I am having a great time here and hope I do for many more posts to come.

Kweeny Reviews...

The Entire Hellraiser Franchise: What's Your Pleasure?

(May contain spoilers, in case you care)

Oh yes dear readers, I am gonna do it. I am rolling up my black-clad sleeves and sticking my hands in the pin-filled goo that is the Hellraiser Franchise. And I wish I had completely wonderful things to say about it. I sincerely do, as I am a fan of Clive Barker and the concept of the franchise.

Now when I say I am going to talk about the ENTIRE franchise I mean it. I'm talking books to movies to comics, etc. I'm gonna skim it a little, so you're not reading forever. Not all of the franchise is bad stuff. Most of the shit-demons in my opinion have come out of the movies. Abominations that never should have seen the light of day, or had film wasted on their production. Movies I am glad I never wasted money on viewing, just precious hours of my life I can never get back...

So let's start there shall we?

Ah Hellraiser. When I think of you I take a trip down memory lane, where I was 13 and watched the first one at my step mom's house. I'm curled up under blankets, staying up way past my bedtime (some things never change. Instead now I am staying up past my bedtime blogging!) and I am wide-eyed at the creatures presented on screen. Beings that seemed carved from the bowels of my darkest nightmares. Monsters I was both horrified by and intently curious over. I didn't sleep for three nights after watching it, because it spoke so deeply to something terrible and profound in my psyche. And being the crazy bitch I am, I can't help but go back and touch the stove element, because damn it, I had to figure out why it scared me so.

The movie just made the book all the more real to me. I read the book at 10. I was one of those dorky, creepy kids who whenever possible hid in libraries until they closed. My home life wasn't great, so libraries were my sanctuary. I remember being completely disturbed by the book, and having to re-read the little novella over again to try and make sense of what I read. Clive Barker was speaking to me. Like somehow he knew some of my deepest fears. I was very much Catholic still at this time, and I had a profound fear of heaven and hell. 

Yup I feared both. That's just how I roll.

I could go on and tell you in depth about why it scared/interested me so but I don't have time. The spirituality in the world of Hellraiser is dark and profound. But I'm doing the whole-freaking-load. And when you squirt a load that big you need to make sure everyone understands the key points in a short amount of time. Suffice it to say, I loved the mythology of it. Most fans to. Most fans love the mythos of it all. Some of the best fiction I have read in tribute is from fans. (other than from the master himself of course.) Writing is where the cenobites and the puzzle box really shine and make sense. Comics as well. I think one of the biggest mistakes Clive Barker did was give up control of his creation.

The first Hellraiser for it's time is awesome. The effects were top notch (The scene when Frank comes up from the floor is still cool to watch today), and the cenobites were more than just stupid demons who kill people. The story is more what matters in the series, and some complain that the characters are unlikable. Even Christy. And you know what, THEY ARE in my opinion. That's the point. People are always being douche-nozzles. And some people are REALLY douche-nozzles. Everyone has their secrets. Everyone has their shit. Clive just wasn't afraid to show the ugliness in people. I know some people don't get it, and it's because they aren't true fans. True fans understand the draw to the series. True fans seek the mythology out, because it is fucking fascinating. It's a living thing, being added on to as time goes on. Lovecraft did a similar thing. Made his creatures larger than life and godly, and now there are cults that have sprung out around Lovecrafts mythos. Clive Barker has a similar following. It doesn't make sense to some people, but ideas are powerful. Ideas can take root in your brain like a virus, and spread until they are living beings. 

Now in no way am I saying Hellraiser is Clive Barkers best work, or that I am part of a Hellraiser cult. I just love it for bringing me to him. I have read tons of his work and he's inspired me and several writers I know because he was and still is a boundary-pusher. His work, be it writing, movies, or art, is all about pushing the edge and seeing what's past it. And I will love him forever for it.

Anyhow, so my favourite of the films is the first one. No doubt. The second, Hellbound, well...it had a weak ending in my opinion, but it helped open up the mythos of the puzzle box. It had interesting ideas, like Leviathan, Pinheads creation, and so on. But the story is a bit hard to follow at times. I mean some of the cenobites are killed off, like Pinhead, but it's never really explained why he just comes back in the squeals like nothing happened. This movie was still 80's level effects and now when you watch it it's kinda funny at times. The corridor monster cracks me up, because it's just so cheesy looking! But I forgive it easier than the other movies that follow. Sadly, it just goes down hill from here.

Srsly? I dunno what this thing is.

Like for example, Hellraiser 3. Clive is now gone, no longer helping with production or anything movie-wise, and it shows. Everything is terrible about this. The effects are lame (A cenobite with a C.D in his head? REALLY GUYS?) the story is weak, and the only thing that really shines in this movie is Doug Bradley's performance as Pinhead. I don't feel Pinhead was meant to be a major cenobite leader until the second one was made, because when I read the book there were just these scary, supernatural beings who straddled the line of heaven and hell. Who were explorers and seekers wishing to blur the line of pain and pleasure. They were kinda S/M but beyond that even.

But I still can't get over the terrible effects that produced the Hell on Earth cenobites. Like seriously, they are so stupid it's not even laughable! This one here looks more like a Borg than a cenobite:

And before I can wash the taste of turds from my mouth we move on to the forth movie Bloodlines. Ah Bloodlines, so much potential! This one was almost good! No really, I mean that! I loved the whole history of the puzzle box part. And I know I'm not the only one. There are sites dedicated to the history of the Lament Configuration. Here's one: http://www.pyramid-gallery.com/ This site is so well done it could be real! I'm telling you, there's a cult following for a reason!

HOWEVER, this 4th heaping pile of dung is shit because of the space crap half-assedly put together at the beginning and end. It totally ruins the rest of the story for me. Of course we don't have enough cenobites, and so we are introduced to a few more, one being the "princess of the bunch":

So close to being good. And yet...Pinhead in space. Just as bad as Jason X. Anything IN SPACE doesn't automatically mean it's good.

Moving on to more tripe...

Next we have Hellraiser Inferno. Anyone actually watch this movie other than me? I mean, I dunno why at this point I kept watching them but I was hoping, just hoping, it would somehow magically go back to making me feel like that little kid I was long ago. We get attached to our monsters don't we? We love one franchise more than others and keep watching the drivel they shovel at us in hopes it will get better... Even if it never does. Freddy was like that. So was Jason and Mike Myers. I loved them all for different reasons, but for me, Hellraiser was my big bag. 

So anyhow, if you need a reason why this movie was so terrible I have these words for you: Direct-To-Video. Yeah, that's right. The best and slightly disturbing scene in the movie is this one with the two cenobites, because it's sudo-sexual. 

Bad touch! Bad touch!

Moving on...

We got Hellseeker. What-the-fuck-EVER.  This one they TRY to connect to the other movies by bringing Christy back. Somehow the fucked up bitch got married, and so we get all this crap about her and hubby in an accident and he's a sleaze who just wants her money and cheats on her. Blah blah blah! 

Tired of the meat hooks yet? Too bad we got more where that came from!

At this point I am so exhausted with the franchise movie-wise I could cry. Something that had such potential, that sparked many a nightmare and inspired me to be a writer (and I mean the book here folks, the written word will rarely ever be trumped by movies) has been butchered to death by the very meat hooks it used to kill people with. And the slaughter isn't over...

Because next we have Deader. Oh joy. Couldn't think of a better name huh guys? At this point Pinhead and his cronies are just glorified, immortal serial killers. They try to bring us back to the descendant story touched on in Bloodlines, but I just don't care anymore. Another stupid bitch tries to be Christy. She opens the box and fights for her soul. Yada yada. Direct-to-Video. 

Latest, most boring waste of time is more like it!

And the show goes on with the next installment Hellworld. UGH. This one doesn't even try. It's just a game right? So who cares if the acting is shit, or the story is shit, or if it's just an excuse to have a Hellraiser themed orgy party on screen! It's like they gave a fanboy a camera and said, "Shoot your dream Hellraiser experience! No one is gonna watch it anyhow!" And this is what we were given. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. But Clive's work isn't as much about people having sex as it is about the way humanity twists sex. PEOPLE ARE MISSING THE POINT WHEN THEY JUST TOSS SEX IN WITHOUT A REASON. And worst yet, an actor I really like is in it (other than poor Doug Bradley, who keeps getting dragged back into these movies):

Oh Lance Henrickson. You must needed the work badly!

When Pinhead in Hellworld says, "This is only the beginning." All I can think to myself is, "Really? Shit I was hoping this was almost over! Damn it there's more?"

Of course there's more! Lastly, we have Revelations. I have yet to see this one I am afraid. (That's probably a blessing!) So I cannot comment too deeply on it. I'll write something up later when I finally do. But I will say this much, it doesn't have Doug Bradley in it. Just some new guy. Which I have mixed feelings about. A part of me wonders if Doug is relieved to no longer be doing such crappy movies. A part of me wonders if this could even be worth wasting my time on if he's not in it. Mind you, Pinhead is seen less and less as the series progresses, probably because the stories are too shitty to have them center around such an awesome monster, and probably because they degraded him to a one trick pony. I dunno for sure. I'll let you know when I watch it.

Okay, I need to go wash my mouth from the taste of crap before I continue. I need some Mountain Dew...

There we go! I feel better! I love American Mountain Dew. It's better than Canada's because it's got caffeine. You people love your caffeine and I love you for it!

Moving on...

So I promised you some hope right? That not everything sucks about the Hellraiser world? Well I meant it. Not only is there the original novella, there is a collection of short stories called Hellbound Hearts with contributions by Clive Barker AND Neil Gaiman, among other great writers. Hell YES! With a beautiful cover done by Clive himself:

And if you want more awesome Hellraiser stuff, I suggest getting your hands on copies of the comics! They are absolutely amazing. The stories are great, the artwork is great, and it makes you remember the old times, when the mysticism moved you. When the cenobites where more than just serial killers, when there was a message and it shook you in your core. When the hooks MATTERED. Here's some comic artwork I scraped up from the internet.

The first few are from Hellraiser: Masterpieces:

And this is the cover for the new Hellraiser comics:

And if that isn't enough to convince you, Clive is generous enough to post this preview on his site!

Yummy. Makes me feel almost as good as this Mountain Dew in my mouth makes me feel. *sighs happily* I know there are many more comics out there but I'm sure you can find them on your own. My mind is degenerating into mush after having to go through HELL like that. But I hope I at least entertained you a bit, and maybe gave you some new places to get a real good Pinhead fix. And trust me, visit the Pyramid Gallery's site. It's totally awesome Puzzle Box goodness.

AND before I go, since only two people dared to give me a pirate name on my Talk Like A Pirate Day post, I will draw BOTH OF YOU as Pirates! Now we are all winners! Well, if you consider crayon scribbles winning something. I do draw like a two year old. If you have pictures I can use as reference please link me to make my job easier! Though I do love you Justine, so thanks for your comment on the music. I love all my comments, and readers! Even if I show it in strange ways.

Loot and Plunder!

 Avast, me buckoes! It be Talk Like A Pirate Day. Sure, this be a horror blog, but I be a pirate of the horror seas! So in honor o' this occasion, I bring thee my favorite pirate tunes. So hoist the sails lads and fight your Krakans! Today we scallywags will rock out pirate style!

First I bring ye some classical pirates doing metal! Take a swig of ye rum while you listen me hearties!

Next is some viking metal, because if you think about it, vikings were pirates too! They sailed around, looted and plundered, and got lots of booty! They just chose land targets not sea targets.

Next I bring you land lubbers a taste of steampunk piracy!

And I almost forgot Captain DAN! Who doesn't like rapping pirates?

Lastly, I want to hear your best pirate names! Tell me, if you could give me a pirate name, what would it be? Whomever gives me the best pirate name will get a crayon drawing of themselves as a pirate! 

I'm totally an Airship Pirate! YAR!

Genre Talk: True Blood Loves The LGBT Community

And it's just one more reason why I love the show.

I read this article here on True Blood and bullying and it just made my night. It's good to see more shows out there talking about these issues. Shows not afraid to push boundaries and ask questions. Sure, it seems on the surface True Blood is just a lot of T and A with vampires and other supernaturals, but if that's all you see, then you haven't looked deeper. I find a lot of good fiction uses supernaturals to tell tales about important issues, like bigotry, bullying, politics, rape, gender issues and more. In fact, I find horror is a safe place to do so because it's a genre of fear.The majority of the worlds problems are based on fear. Horror gives us a place to ask the "naughty" questions. The dirty questions. And afterwards, we can feel lighter for doing so.

Also, I love that Alexander Skarsgard did an "It Get's Better" PSA. It just makes me love him even more. If you are too lazy to click it on the link above, here it is again:

Things like this give me hope that our world will grow up and accept people as they are. Not try to push them into limiting concepts just because of fear. If horror teaches me anything, it's that I can overcome fear. When I see that masked man killing someone I know he will come back in the sequel, but I also know he's not real. What is real is the fact people are murdered everyday by strange men, and sometimes we never know the reason why. He has power because the world has real sickos in it that do seemingly senseless killings everyday.

In the end we as human beings have a choice. We can choose everyday love over fear. We can choose to face our fears and come out of the theaters of our minds shaken, but still alive, knowing we faced the demons in the dark and won. Knowing that we refuse to ignore their existence. Knowing we ultimately have the choice how we will live on this plant, and how we will live with others. We horror fans acknowledge our demons, and we see the worlds demons clearly. And we are not afraid to point them out to the rest of the world in hope they will deal with theirs too. Maybe then things will be just a little less fucked up.

Or maybe I just need more Eric Northman topless and less tree hugging hippy crap. DAMN YOU OREGON! YOU'RE INFECTING ME with your progressiveness!

People Dig Me? I hope it's not a shallow grave...

Nah, Pixie wouldn't do that to me. She actually likes me enough to give me an award! Isn't that sweet? My first blog award! I've only had this blog a few months, so I feel honored. Glad people enjoy my brand of madness. I feel like I should do a Miss America crying fit. All snotty tears and adjusting my half-bent tiara while holding some dead flowers I forgot to water...




But I'm Canadian so I can't be Miss America. THERE GOES THAT NON-EXISTENT DREAM!

*cough* Anyhow...People dig me. So that's good enough. :)




So there's some rules attached to the award...of course! Nothing is free right? But they are fun rules so I will follow them just this once. I don't hate rules, they are useful sometimes. As long as they amuse me, I'll play along. Plus, these rules are about spreading the love. And I am full of love under my lazy, cynical facade. So without further rambles from my sleep deprived mind...




iDig Your Blog Award Protocol:
1 ) Gratefully accept this award.
2 ) Link to the person you received it from.
3 ) Post 3 interesting facts about yourself.
4 ) Pass this award around to at least 5 blogs you dig.
5 ) Notify them.




1) I bow to the powers of the blogging underworld and accept this tribute in honor of my hard work and slavish devotion to awesome. Thank you very much for proving to me people read this silly blog, and actually think I'm a fun time! Yay!

2) If you haven't already, go to Pixie's Horror Galore. She's devoted to awesome too, I've read her blog. Her posts are quirky, fun, interesting and sometimes completely out there. And I love that kind of creative weirdness! She's my kind of people. Thanks for the love doll!

3 Facts about me:

I sucked my thumb as a kid. I now suck other things as an adult.
My Drag King name is TYRONE. True Story! I make a very handsome looking man.
The top three most interesting jobs I've ever had is working as staff for several conventions, being a writer/editor, and once when I was 16 I worked as a carnie for a few weeks. And yes, they really are scary people. At least the ones I worked for were.

4 ) Hmm...only 5? I dig more than five...But I will look and make sure that the ones I pick haven't gotten the award yet, so we can spread it farther. Plus, it's nice to give others a chance to feel appreciated. If you've already been appreciated than you don't need my love! (ah I'm kidden, you know I love you anyhow, or I wouldn't stalk I mean FOLLOW your blog.)

My 5 6 are:

http://corpsecafe.blogspot.com/ Because her blog is full of Art, Magic, and she's Canadian!

http://zombiehall.blogspot.com/ Because I love the concept of his blog!

http://montanamancavemassacre.blogspot.com/ Because Marvin entertains me and inspired me when I needed something to write about.

http://screengrab.blogspot.com/ J.Astro is a dirty little awesome place to visit. And he was fun to draw.

http://freakmutantmonster.blogspot.com/ Amazing artist! Check out his stuff!


And one more...because he's too awesome not to be on here and I take care of my Canadain peeps:http://mytwoyenworth.blogspot.com/

And that's my fab 6! I had to add one more because when people are good to me, I'm good to them. Of course, if I have followed you, I dig your blog already. So feel free to snag this puppy on that basis alone. Thanks again Pixie for

sharing the love.<3 And I'm out...

Kats Are EBIL!

I have a shocking announcement to make. I know I am a minority, but I cannot change who I am. Please, sit down. Make sure you're in a comfortable position. What I have to say might be shocking. Might change your opinion of me forever. But I will not be apologetic. I am what I am.

Are you ready? Here's some shocking news you need to know about me:

[I'm allergic to cats]

Phew! *inhales deeply* There...I said it! I said it out loud! Now the whole interwebs know my terrible state of being. It's like a werewolf with the full moon, only worse. Far worse. My transformation involves chest congestion, puffy eyes, itchy skin when scratched, and a nose that drips with ooze. Werewolves are sexier than the grotesqueness I become. And worse yet, every-fucking-one has a bloody cat! (At least in Oregon) I can't avoid the furry bastards. Of course, they are not the only furry thing I am allergic to. Anything that sheds fur and looks cute is pretty much an instant trigger for me. It's a terrible existence, and I wasn't always like this. I have had furry pets in my youth, but as I got older the allergy got worse. People like to say shit like, "If you just live with a cat, you'll adjust to it." But that's BS. Why do you think people carry epi pens around?  Not because they can just "get used to it". Grrr...

But cats are the worst for me. Mostly because they are evil, manipulative bastards. You can train a dog to fuck off, but a cat? Fat chance. Cats think they rule the world. And they know when you are deathly allergic to them. Trust me, the buggers fucking know! It's like they have a switch that goes off in their furry little heads that tells them, "Oh yeah, this human is ignoring me! She just doesn't know how incredibly beautiful I am! If she did she'd totally be worshiping me like a good human slave! I must teach her a lesson, by inflicting my self upon her until she sneezes green goo from her face into my fur!"

It's why when I read Lovecraft, I can't help but laugh when he goes on that cats are sent to protect us. He and Edward Gorey were brainwashed by the cat legions who wish to enslave us all.

Edward Gorey, hanging with his kitties

Sorry, but I am just not gonna buy it. Maybe I am supposed to be allergic, to keep me immune to the mind control. So when the cats launch their plan for world domination (if they ever get off their lazy, pampered asses) I can save humanity!

If you are a cat lover reading this, I mean you no disrespect. I'm just a frustrated allergy suffer who really does suffer around cats. It's not a slight discomfort. Not breathing, not sleeping due to suffering all night from symptoms, is not slight discomfort. Not something I can just get over. It is what it is, and I wish more people with pets would be more sympathetic to us allergy sufferers. I know you love your furry beasts but remember...

They are plotting our doom and demanding to be fed.