UnDead or Alive
The Butler's View
Seeing as everyone around here is too
busy recovering from some form of Bubonic plague it falls and bemoans
to myself, and how I moan about it, to look over another of these
films they have left laying around here.
One longs for a classic, some upbeat
drama, true mastery of the language! Instead, well looks like they
have given me something dreadful to watch and express an opinion on.
Oh my.
The film starts off as a Western
setting, all right that is not such a bad start. There have been
many a priceless and enjoyable Western in the days of...why is that
farmer eating a live chicken? Oh dear, one of THOSE films is it?
Soon it becomes apparent that there is some sort of White Man's curse
causing corpses to stagger about and create havoc. You know if these
colonials had stayed proper members of the Empire this wouldn't be
such a problem. Perhaps the concept of keeping one's agreements is
such a bother to this Manifest Destiny thing?
So, we have this Apache Geronimo curse
floating about. So this is a serious horror story of...oh no.
Seriously? While the Army Deserter is played by James Denton; a
Plumber for Desperate Housewives; isn't a bad choice for a lead...his
partner is. Is. Really I am supposed to take a man in a leisure
suit seriously as the other male lead? Chris Kattan is going to play
the other one? I serious will expect Haddaway music to break out at
any moment now. At least the film quickly realizes that having a
serious horror film is hopeless and starts to head in the direction
of comedy. Faster than a marine on leave with his first pay-cheque.
So our leisure boy is courting a local
girl; who while currently not in the horizontal position apparently
serves many a happy client that way. Having issues with this way of
life he begins a fight with our other hero the Plumber. Soon the
Sheriff arrests both and has them hauled into prison. At this point
is where I suspect the writers threw up their arms at whom they had
cast as the leads and start to dive headlong into comedy from horror.
While the Sheriff is corrupt his deputy is quite the doofus and
inept to boot. No really boots come into this as he robs the heroes
of their boots. Locked in the cell next to them is the earlier
farmer/zombie, whom at this point no one realizes is a zombie. His
attempts to eat brains instead get shooed away as annoying attempts
for attention.
At this point I am beginning to wonder
if the zombie's quest for brains is going to be very futile.
Using limited cunning on the Deputy
Leisure Suit and Plumber finagle a way out of the cell, and even
manage to rob the corrupt Sheriff to boot...oh and steal their boots
back. Dumb Deputy finds himself locked in the cell and find himself
the victim of the zombie looking for brains to eat...that the zombie
gives up on this quest is a poor sign indeed.
In an attempt to get his lady back
instead they find her in the arms of the corrupt Sheriff doing the
hips shake dance a little closer than is the norm in most brothels,
or at least without an extra ten quid. They decide to leave town
quickly taking all the Sheriff's ill gotten gains. When the Sheriff
goes back for his Dumb Deputy he find himself bitten for his
troubles. They resolve in fine western fashion to assemble a Posse
to pursue our heroes.
Taking time to “bond of cowboys”
our heroes decide to demonstrate shooting skills while discussing
what to do next. Leisure suit of course proves to be a useful as a
tax auditor so we quickly know that he's going to be of little use.
Our Plumber proves to be tolerate and instead a strange friendship
forms as they go to sleep that night. They awaken naked in another
“Bond of cowboys”. Finding themselves in the middle of a bizarre
Moen commercial we now have the third member of our team, and doing
everything by the Numbers she learns that one is an army deserter,
both are almost useless, and that they can aid her in finding an Army
base in exact her revenge on the White Men. Numbers here is
Geronimo's niece, and she want to get back for the killing of her
uncle. Hitching her naked prisoners to a horse they ride off to go
play pony.
Meanwhile the Posse notices that the
Sheriff and Deputy are a little green and meaner than normal. The
Posse finds itself on the menu, so that soon the entire Posse is a
zombie posse off to rustle up some brains. Our Brainless Heroes
unknowingly come up with a clever plan to ambush the posse before
taking on the US Army fort. The ambush goes well until it occurs to
the zombies that they actually don't need to stay dead, causing our
heroes to flee as fast as they can. Now our heroes are aware of the
White Man curse and that they may need to escape from the area
quickly.
Back in the town they have hung the
farmer from the beginning who murdered his family...only once more
the fact he is a zombie continues to not register at all. So he
doesn't stay dead. Over time our farmer manages to eat and kill most
the town, finally finishing off the town priest who dies screaming
being smothered by an undead prostitute. Not exactly a little death
to finish things.
Instead of following this interesting
tale we get to rejoin our heroes. They are captured by the US Army,
and the whole sordid history of our Army Deserting Plumber comes out,
and how it is their money he took from them in gambling. Arresting
all of them they are hauled to the fort which they were looking for
in the first place, just now how they planned. Thinking they'll have
to explain the whole White Man's curse rising from the dead thing
they are lucky to find out they don't need to! Our undead Posse got
there first so instead the whole fort is a mass of undead! Joy.
The soldiers are quickly slain while
our heroes once more blunder about until they come up with the clever
idea of drawing all the zombies outside of the fort and then closing
the door. This remarkably works better than planned and so we now
have our heroes inside the fort surrounded by an annoyed undead posse
and soldiers, all intent on eating them. By this point the heroes
have figured out that unlike most zombie films shooting them in the
head just doesn't work. However decapitation as shown in an earlier
scene seems to do the trick. Thus they quest for Cavalry sabres to
use, as all the firearms seem to do is annoy the zombies. Meanwhile
Ms. Numbers revels that there is a cure to being a zombie, besides
removing the head, eating the flesh of the person who created the
curse.
Our heroes have figured they can't stay
here and need to flee the fort. Building a Blunderbuss they of
course find a way to mess up the escape and thus let all the zombies
in with them still trapped inside. Making their way into the cellars
our Plumber gets bitten and decides to pull a last stand to protect
our remaining heroes. Once more this plan doesn't go so well either.
While the explosion of the fort's gunpowder and dynamite does
wonders to lower the zombie population, Zombie Plumber survives and
winds up throwing the Dumb Deputy zombie off a cliff and then biting
Leisure Suit.
Thinking herself the only survivor Ms
Number runs into the still surviving Zombie Sheriff, however is saved
by a now Zombie Leisure Suit and Plumber. They prepare for what
appears to be an epic sword-fight, only for us to cut to the next
scene of a cured set of heroes minus Numbers. Evidently Om nom nom
of relatives works just as well and they ride off into the sunset.
Meanwhile back in town the first Zombie farmer digs up his now Zombie
family, unliving happily ever after.
Oh dear, not exactly a typical cowboy
western is it then? Perhaps the writers did have some sense when
deciding to change directions and strike out for comedy in this one,
as it does save what could have been a very poor film. The removing
of the concept of shooting in the brain actually does ramp it up a
bit, though the blundering of the still somewhat thinking...one
cannot call the actions intelligent...zombies of the film give our
heroes quite a bit of a challenge in dealing with them. In fact
running seems to be really the best option. The zombies quest for
brains to eat, but there is a serious lack of said brains in most of
the living. You get quickly the feeling that once they had the
casting they did it was time to just run as fast as one could and
hope not to trip and land on their face. And while it is no
Shakespeare or Clements they do tell a story and do make the heroes,
if not likable, at least you start to cheer just a little for them.
I suspect this is one that requires a
quick nip to the pub. After I shall pop back here and continue my
duties to get this lot off and out of their beds. Never seen a bunch
more prone to taking something as minor a Plague and get all
complaining like it was the end of the world. Clearly they have
never been to Glasgow before.
Cheers
The Butler
