CREEPMAS BLEEDINGS: MAD JESTER AND KWEENY DISCUSS HOLIDAY HORROR

CREEPY GREETINGS READERS! Mad Jester has crawled his ass out of Arkham Asylum to come hang out with me today. HUZZAH! I haven't seen the bugger in way too long, so I made sure to tie his straight jacket down so he would stay put long enough for a talk! While we were chatting about our favorite holiday movies like Bad Santa, Nightmare Before Christmas, Black Christmas, Rare Exports and Santa's Slay, we then had this "inspired" idea about new horror holiday classics that should get made, and started making up our own Holiday Horror movie concepts.

I know. We are insane. One day we will have a podcast, and you can enjoy the actual sounds of us snickering and laughing like idiots as we share ideas.

For now you can just read it. Here is what that conversation looked like:

 Kweeny Todd: So let's list off some of our ideas for new holiday "classics. I'll start: Pinhead Saves Christmas...

Description: Santa finds one of his elves playing with a strange box. He takes it and examines it, only to accidentally open the box, killing Santa with its hooks. Pinhead comes out and in Doug Bradley's amazing voice he says dryly, "Shit, I think we killed Santa. The higher ups aren't going to like this."

 Mad Jester: The Female Cenobite goes, "Chatterer, with your teeth so bright, won't you guide our slaying, tonight?"

Kweeny Todd: And Pinhead, without blinking, grabs the Santa hat, put's it on his head awkwardly, and sighs, "We have such presents to deliver."

Mad Jester: And cut to a scene of kids opening presents on Chistmas morn that makes the scene from Nightmare Before Christmas seem wholesome and benign. *chuckles*

Kweeny Todd: LOL! YES! I'm sold on the movie.
Okay, the next one you mentioned you wanted was Santa's Slay 2! How do you envision that movie? 

Mad Jester: Pretty well writes itself, I think; Bill Goldberg's back as everyone's favourite bringer of yuletide fear, and he's come for revenge on friggin' Nicolas. Because let's face it- if I were shockblocked by that little nebbish, it would be a stain on my pride that could only be washed away with his blood and tears.

Nic and Mary get hitched after the events of the first one, some dumb goth kid summons Santa back from Hell, and he goes on a killing-spree until he gets to their cozy small-town home, and drags them back to Hell with him. Ten outta ten, three thumbs up. *grins evilly*

Kweeny Todd: And more wrestling moves, and evil reindeer-monster racing (I always wanted to see Santa challenge some hot shot in a racing car, kicking his ass after the race) and more horrible Santa puns!

This movie practically writes itself!

Mad Jester: See? It needs to happen. Citizens demand Goldberg piledriving some pimply weasel through the hood of his Daddy's car!

Kweeny Todd:  Exactly! I got another one for ya... SAW: The Christmas Special!

Jigsaw is tired of people not valuing the spirit of Christmas...

"People are so ungrateful for the gifts they receive. But not you, not anymore."

"You got an iPhone from your mother, and it was an older version than that of what you asked for. But you cried and had a hissy fit, making everyone uncomfortable at Christmas. Now you have a choice..."
Mad Jester: OH! Christmas with Jigsaw! A variety-type holiday special, with musical guests Slipknot and GWAR, where a bunch of these ungrateful "my parents got me the wrong iPhone for Christmas, they're such assholes" kids get put into 'games' where they either demonstrate that they know what Christmas is actually about... or they die. (I see a large viewership for that one.)  

"...Take the phone from the Nutcracker's mouth and lose a hand, or drown in 300 gallons of hot eggnog. Live or die... make your choice." JEBUS I hope someone from Twisted Pictures sees this. 

Kweeny Todd: RIGHT? Come on, the people demand this!

Mad Jester: Much rather see that than that CGI Rudolph monstrosity again. *shudder* Honestly, are we TRYING to get Rankin and Bass to spin in their graves?

Kweeny Todd: Truth. Every damn year we drag that shit out from the abominable grave and try to pass it off as festive. You know what would be more festive? Night of the Living Zombie Jesus!

Mad Jester: Seriously! He could shamble around, terrorizing the kids, until some brave little girl hands Him a present and says "Happy birfday, Mister Jesus", and he stops rampaging and gives her a hug and everyone feels Christmas' warm, glowing, warming glow. (And then Zombesus takes a bite out of the kid's head just before it fades to black.)


Kweeny Todd: It's brilliant! 

How about the forgotten Jason Voorhees movie: Jason X-Mas: Jason takes Santa's Workshop. 

 Mad Jester: Hell, couldn't be worse than Jason in Space. *chuckles* Lessee... two elves on break start fucking in the broom closet, and Jason crashes through the window to impale them on a sharpened candy cane. Cue title card. The elves get spooked and split up (because of course they do), and start dropping like flies. Santa implores the Big Guy to knock it off, reminding him of happy Christmases spent with his loving mother...

...and then he remembers her death at Camp Crystal Lake, snaps, and clubs Santa to death with a wrapped baseball bat.

Just the right amount of pathos mixed in with the carnage. 

Kweeny Todd: It's a heart warming...heart ripping tale!

Mad Jester: One of these days one of us is gonna win the lottery, or devour a rich person, and then we'll get some quality holiday movies made. *beams*

Kweeny Todd: I really need to stop devouring random people. I don't exactly get to control my werewolf change, but maybe point me at a rich person next time there's a full moon! Then we will have the budget we need to make more horror Christmas movies!

Mad Jester: There's clearly a demand, now we just need to rustle up the ducats to fill it. (Even if the demand is just us.)

Kweeny Todd: We can be very demanding though.

Mad Jester: And very, very persuasive. Especially if we've got knives. (Pretty, pretty knives...)

Kweeny Todd: *sharpens her razors and grins wickedly*

So that was our...festive discussion on Holiday Horror! What sort of ideas do you readers have for Creepy Christmas movies? I mean, we horror fans love being festive...in our own way. *steeples fingers*

MAD JESTER REVIEWS...

Mad Jester reviews: Alien vs. Ninja(Or: 'Men who Wear Rubber Alien Costumes and the Women who Hump Them to Death')

This review took me a long time to write. And not for the usual reasons of procrastination or running afoul of the local constabulary.

Nope, this time the review took a long time because of the sheer ambivalence with which the film left me. I honestly couldn't decide whether or not I liked it at all.

The film in question, in case you're the odd sort who begins reading articles without glancing at the title, is 2010's action-horror-comedy opus Alien vs. Ninja, brought to us by our friends at Sushi Typhoon. It's... an odd little movie, I'll give it that.

Our story begins with Yamata, Jinnai and Nezumi (you can tell he's the comic-relief sidekick, because his name means "rat") on patrol not far from their Iga ninja village home. After a brief run-in with some rival ninja of the Koga clan...

 
Now that's hardly fair.

Poor buggers never had a chance.

...our heroes see a bright red light, streaking toward earth, in the direction of their village. Naturally, our boys become concerned and, after a meeting with the Clan Head and joining up with kunoichi (female ninja) Rin and some Disposable Faceless Mooks, they set out to investigate the object that crashed down in the woods.

 

See, this is what made the Ninja Dinosaurs go extinct.

Not long after departing they meet a young boy who says that his village was massacred by some unknown entity. Before they can get much more explanation out of him, they're attacked by one of the aliens, who decimates their group (well, slaughters all the Mooks) before any of them realize what's going on. They manage to kill three aliens, and wound a fourth who escapes, taking Yamata's best friend Jinnai with it. Nezumi, terrified, flees back to the ninja village to warn them, only to find it's been destroyed by the remaining alien... who corners Nezumi and rips his head off.

 

Nezumi, depicted here with about as much dignity as he was given for the rest of the film.

Meanwhile, Yamata and Rin go after the last alien to avenge their fallen comrades (and also Nezumi), but not before the aliens' most horrifying power is revealed: the power to control human bodies, even dead ones. Jinnai and the dead ninja attack them en masse, refusing to go down even after being dealt lethal blows.

 

Alien zombie slaves speak perfect, if somewhat colourful, English.

Now, as I said, this movie definitely left me ambivalent towards it. On one hand, the martial arts action is excellent, the fights are well-choreographed, and the gore is, while a bit over-the-top, pretty well-done for the relatively low budget with which they were working. On the other hand, though, the film is silly in spots. REALLY silly. Of course, it is partly a comedy, but it feels like they were a bit heavy-handed- it comes off less as comic relief, and more like the movie couldn't decide at which pace it wanted to go.

 

For example, this happens in the middle of a fight...

 

...followed by this.

I honestly could not tell whether this was an intentional, Kaufman-esque don't-give-a-fuck decision, or if it was just the result of bad direction. If the former, then Alien Vs. Ninja is a beautiful foray into the ridiculous-by-design, on par with, say, Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD. If however, the jangling transition from farcical to fierce and back was not intentional, then AvN belongs in the relative obscurity in which I found it. Never have I teetered on the edge between loving and hating a film as much as I do now. It's quite infuriating, really.

 

Ever been so mad you squished an alien slug-baby?

Now for the all-important question: would I recommend this film? Well, that's just it- I genuinely don't know! It's certainly Bad Movie Night fodder, one way or the other, but the question is whether you're just looking to rip on something low-budget or want to genuinely enjoy the "This is the movie I'm making, if you don't like it find a dick and suck it" school of cinematography. I guess my recommendation is this: try it. See if you can make head or tails of it. There's every chance, if you're a bad movie buff, that you'll like it. If not, well, there's another movie to tear apart with your friends.

 

Like this!

On This Episode of AAARG MY FUCKING EYES...

We take a look at a movie that you've probably never heard of, because to subject yourself to it would be like stealing a Delorian and going to the 80's. On purpose.

And of course, the warning: May contain spoilers, blah blah blah. May also make you want to tease your hair up big and pretend your Blondie again. I know your secrets. We all sang into our hairbrushes then.

Mad Jester: So yeah, took me three tries to watch that sonofabitch. First time, I got to "Hey hey, we're the MUNCHIES!" and my brain just recoiled and refused to do anything until I promised it some Disney cartoons.

Kweeny Todd: *cackles* I know! It took me two tries, and for days I avoided it like I was getting a root canal. Alright...let's get this shit cake cooked eh?

MJ: Indeed- it's stinkin' up the kitchen.

KT: It's been a while since we've done one of these.

MJ: This is true. It takes a while to find movies terrible enough to be worthy of the feature. Also, it takes extended rest and a strict regimen of alcohol and cartoons to heal up between viewings.

KT: *chuckles* Yup, and this time you might have outdone yourself MJ. Tell the viewers what horrible piece of 80's crap you found for us today.

MJ: Oh gods... so 80s. Well, this time out we subjected ourselves to 1987's Munchies, starring Harvey Korman, Charlie Stratton, Nadine Van Der Velde and some very belligerent foam rubber. This film 80ses at you so hard you'll begin expecting Corey Feldman to Crane-kick someone in the face, but nothing so entertaining occurs.

KT: It did! I could almost feel my neon tights returning, and my hair getting bigger. If I hear another person call a girl a "Happening Chick" I might have to have a psychotic break.

MJ: But what else can one say about a lady as hip and with-it as our girl Cindy? I mean, that tight-jeans-and-enormous-baggy-pastel-shirt combo's enough to make any man weep into his Flock of Seagulls haircut!

KT: *chuckles* I know. but let's talk about the Munchies themselves for a minute. What the shit where they? They looked like low-budget Gremlins meets the Critters! How can you fuck that up?

MJ: I don't know, but by Q-bert they found a way. Funny you should mention the Munchies looking like low-budget Gremlins, though; the director of Munchies, one Tina Hirsch, was the editor on Gremlins, and obviously derived some... er, shall we say, 'inspiration' therefrom? Like, so much inspiration that I'm amazed Amblin weren't inspired to sue.

KT: I don't know if you can call that inspiration. That's like saying vomit is the inspiration for eating.

MJ: With just as appealing an end product, really. (Doubtless copious amounts of tequila were involved, as well.) At least Billy Peltzer's dad didn't drag him down to Peru to obtain the pet that ruined Billy's life.

KT: Right? The father in this movie annoyed the fuck out of me. Thanks for being a supportive dad! Blackmail always makes me wanna follow authority figures.

MJ: Seriously! "You're not funny enough to follow your dream of being a comic, so put on this tinfoil hat and help me prove the existence of alien ruins at Machu Picchu!" I mean, sure, Paul wasn't THAT funny, but he tried, and I'll take 'struggling comedian' over 'catfood conoisseur and owner of several stylish aluminum chapeaus' any day.



KT: *laughs* Ah the hypocrisy of parents! At least that scene was kind of relatable. And the 80's backdrop I am still trying to forget parts of. Everything else...I'm still scratching my head over.

MJ: Like how the sherriff left his incompetent teenage son in charge of law enforcement while he was away at a convention?

KT: Oh man, that guy! He was a nut bar and the most useless character in the whole film! WORST COP EVER.

MJ: Yeah. At least his dad got busy with Melvis while Cecil's back was turned- all Little Eddie was good for was wasting ammunition, skeeving Cindy out and providing the Munchies something to chew on while Cindy and Paul got away. Some people can simply aspire no higher in life than 'chew toy'.

KT: It's true. And the Munchies prove they will eat anything. And why the hell do people do the things others tell them NOT to do? "Don't cut them they multiply..." So of course the idiots CUT THEM UP.

Damn it if I was in a horror movie I'd just feed the stupid people to the Munchies.

MJ: Well, in every horror movie there's one or two characters who think they're smart enough to safely ignore the mythology. This movie's just different in that that role is filled by ALL THE CHARACTERS. Well, except Paul & Cindy, and they're stupid for going to anyone for help.

KT: YES. I almost had hope for them, but the pair kept trying to get everyone to help them. JUST KILL THE MUNCHIES YOURSELF PAUL! I mean he figured out how they die in the end anyhow. I must admit, the electricity thing was a nice touch.

MJ: Yeah, you have to give your unkillable murder-puppets a way to be defeated, and the whole 'fire of the gods' angle is actually a fair bit cooler than Billy "Shove the Little Bastards into a Wood-Chipper" Peltzer anyway.

KT: Agreed. I enjoyed that they turned to stone afterwards and were able to be smashed into bits. That was neat. Friggen Billy though...

MJ: Stone's a lot cheaper & easier to work with than fake blood and mangled rubber, too, so I doubt the decision was an artistic or aesthetic one so much as convenient happenstance. But it is, at least, in keeping with the mythos. Looking at you, Mr. Krishna "I'm-a Change What My Monsters Are Halfway Through the Film" Shah!

KT: True. I did however think the tone of the film was all over the place. Was it a horror movie or a comedy or just something mangled from my drunk brain when I try to remember the 80's?

MJ: I think it was trying to be a horror-comedy, like (the real) Gremlins, Beetlejuice, or The Monster Squad. Unfortunately, as opposed to the directors of those movies- who paint strokes of comedy to break up the monotone of horror- Hirsch just slaps a thick layer of one on top of the other, resulting in a wide stripe of Taco-Bell-the-night-before brown.

KT: *nods* It was hard to watch honestly. If I didn't have pumpkin cider to drink I don't know if I could have gotten through it. Thank the Underworld it's October.

MJ: *laughs* If I'd had anything to drink, I'd have had to watch it more than the twice I did! I kept falling asleep- not even Harvey Korman could render that shitball shiny! Oh gods, I actually woke up whimpering this morning!

KT: *cackles* I wanted to do anything but watch this. I was even willing to clean my house. Well, other than what we've already said, there isn't much more to this movie. It's pretty forgettable honestly. Would you torture another living soul with it other than me Mad Jester?

MJ: I might recommend this to a masochist like us- someone who relishes their ability to survive such cinematic suckstorms. It'd be great for Bad Movie Night, just getting 'faced with one's friends and ripping into it. But for people of taste and discernment? Gods no. Rewatch Gremlins 2- Robert Picardo's in that one, too, and it won't hurt so bad.

KT:  Well then, I doubt there is anything more that can be said, so let's shock this thing with lightening and call it a day. What do you say MJ?

MJ: Nah, let's get out of here before I punch someone's tennis shoes by way of vengeance against rubber.

KT: Good idea. I have better things to do...like watch more horror movies and eat pumpkin everything. Happy Halloween readers! Stay tuned for more Countdown madness!