Kweeny's Butler Reviews...NIGHT OF THE LIVING DORKS

The Butler's Viewpoint

Sometimes one finds the oddest things sitting in some of the stacks when cleaning this place up.  And lo during the latest challenge to clear out the Teddy Ruxpin of shame mounds of bear fur that somehow winds up in with this lot I found a section of films that I am now realizing that were left here for a reason.  And the tragic reason is for the simple sake of not knowing the language.  Pity really as my last lesson with Dario Argento shows me one can really be missing out on some gems.

Mind you translating this one I am not sure I am expecting Shakespeare. 

“Das Nacht der lebenden Loser.” Or in the Queen's English, “Night of the Living Dorks.”

Bloody hell I better get started on a good pint or three now.

We start off in Haiti; which is where the Zombie legends evidently come from in more modern lore; where a family at home finds itself under attack by a Zombie creature.  The family confesses to having no way to fight this evil, only to be aided by a local woman armed with a flame thrower who then immediately deals with the problem.  Yep it's going to be one of those films going straight for the humor rather than the horror.  While I have seen this style of work before, I am rather curious if a German film can carry off this balance.

The destroyed Zombie is burned down to ashes, which are then sealed in a jar to be disposed of.  This jar is stolen however and in a rather quick human chain of escalating sums of money the jar finds itself posted on the Internet for sale.  This means while organs might not be allowed to be sold on the Webs it t'would appear ashes are just fine.  And so our seeds for the living dead are established.

We now cut to our first young hero, asleep at home dreaming of obtaining the award of his dreams from his dream girl, to of course have this turn into a nightmare.  This is Phillip, and he has several repression issues from his domineering parents and his own sexual lusts.  His father is commanding and refuses to allow him to really be a teenager, while his mother is up front in the most embarrassing of ways that her son really needs to get laid.  During this time we meet one of his childhood friends across the fence called Rebecca.  Rebecca is a new age goth and she appears to have a liking for Phillip that he remains oblivious to.  While instructing Phillip in a rather direct way how to take care of their house while away, the parents make it very direct that everything is documented and it better stay that way.

Arriving now are Phillip's best friends and partners in this pending adventure, Worst and Konrad.  Konrad quickly is established to be a stereo-typical nerd with immense repressed hatred of all the tormentors of life, even going so far as to catalog and document each incident and perpetrator.  Worst quickly can be seen as an easy going party loving dope smoking sort of fellow.  Giving Rebecca a lift to school it is established that Phillip pines for the girl of his dreams and most popular girl in the school. 

Mustering his courage Phillip makes his move on his dream girl Uschi, only to find her boyfriend and friends prepared to humiliate him and his friends.  This gains no sympathy from the local students or even the principal, viewing it as brought upon themselves and the order of things.  Now with the pecking order established; and our heroes shown at the bottom of the heap; they clean up and head to class.  There Worst shows his endless drive to seduce their teacher with utterly no fear, much to the amusement of his lovely teacher.  Gotterin eine Himmel indeed!

In class the lesson is religions,their symbols and beliefs, and they are presented by the students.  Rebecca's friends have picked voodoo and other fetishes in order to show a darker view of the world.  Worst of course is not taking any of this seriously and plays up a voodoo doll with a prank that get the teacher to mourn and long for the days of orgies and sex parties instead of childish pranks, much to the interest of Worst.  Rebecca is crest-fallen and her friends embarrassed by the laughter of the classroom at their own beliefs. 

Outside the classroom Rebecca and Phillip talk about the cliches of high school and of course Phillip asks about the power of voodoo spells oblivious to Rebecca's own emotions.  Out of friendship they agree to meet up at a local cemetery to aid in a ritual which Phillip hopes to get him a love spell for his dream girl.  Our heroes show up to the ritual and Worst cannot resist not only not taking the rituals seriously but is candid that Phillip just has desires and lusts.  Our Goths in a 21^st century take on rituals and a desire for Kurt Cobain's music muddle their way through the ritual and add to this the actual ashes of the Zombie destroyed at the beginning of the film.  In blundering they get the ashes all over our heroes and fear they have completely messed up the ritual.

Driving home Worst cannot help but break out the bongs and “smoke one up”.  His new auto-bong fails and fills the van up with smoke, causing our heroes to have what appears to be a fatal crash.  Laying there the ashes glow and our heroes awaken to find themselves inside the morgue.  In a panic they fear that they got so stoned that no one knew they were fine; due to their breathing and walking; and conclude it must be a stoned dream.  The attendants conclude this must be a student prank and ignore the goings on.  So our heroes flee the morgue and rush home.  In a stoned state they watch more classic zombie films and laugh that they must be zombies.  Though without the rotting or urges to eat brains they conclude that the failed ritual and dust got them really stoned.

That morning they remark how good they feel and how strong they are, and even dine on raw meat, thus thinking nothing of it.  They head to school and once more create a problem requiring harassment by the popular crowd.  Now the first strange issues happen when Konrad has his jaw knocked out and then put back in feeling no pain.  The bullies chalk this up to feeling like “being kinder” when the real answer seems stranger.  In biology class Konrad starts having more cravings, including eating the frogs for dissection.  Wurst insists that's just a French thing.  When Konrad tries to bite a female's derriere to Wurst this just further proves normal urges and not the craving for human flesh.  At this point Phillip notices something and drags Wurst to the bathroom to show him that there is a windshield wiper impaled through his chest. 

Our heroes have concluded finally that they are Zombies...just not what they expected.  Phillip urgently looks for Rebecca in order to figure out how he has gotten into this, and is there a way out.  By this point our heroes are clearly looking paler, but most write this off as just being tired or Goth.  Meanwhile Konrad is showing a craving for more and more meat, and finds that in his new form he can avenge all his wrong doings.  Konrad sets out on a crusade to wrong all his anguishes!  Phillip meanwhile is finding out from Rebecca that being a zombie may have some serious fail points, what with parts failing and then decaying away.  Horrified he notices that Worst is needing his help as Konrad is going insane with glee getting revenge.

Now our heroes find they have to take part in gym class.  Rugby against the champion team of the school.  Here the lads face what they expect is going to be typical humiliation.  Phillip councils passive resistance, but Konrad soon delights and rages that in their new forms they aren't feeling a thing, and that they could even get a few licks back in.  (After getting himself suitably hurt in a strange and weird way.)  This time the heroes decide to listen to Konrad and begin a long and pummeling payback on the best of the school.  Taking up the rally behind our heroes the rest of the humiliated classmates begin to inflict payback as well, and the entire school cheers them on, Good Show!   The coach of the team walks off in shame and considers that the heroes finally found their courage.  The students rejoice and the heroes soon find themselves the new center of attention and worship.  Embolden and full of new confidence Phillip and Worst proudly announce they will hold the greatest house party of them all, and Phillip even finds his dream girl Uschi is smitten by this new and bold man!  Rebecca walks away heart broken, it is only then that the heroes notice that Konrad has wandered off.

Konrad of course has his eyes set on the coach, remembering yet another past humiliation this time he seeks special revenge.  The Heroes arrive to find a rather bloated and sated Konrad having eaten the coach.  In a rage Phillip accidentally pulls of Konrad's ear, which is soon solved by a quick use of a stapler gun.  Phillip is concerned that this is the start of the great hunger lust and fall to evil, but Konrad decides to play along for now and later continue his quest for hunger and justice. 

Not taking chances Phillip and Wurst decide to chain Konrad into the garage while they work hard to dispose of the last evidence and get back in touch with Rebecca to help solve their problem.  Interrupted they find all the students have shown up to party hard at Phillip's place and to Rock me Amadeus!  While Phillip worries and frets Worst rolls with this and instead revels in being the complete party animal exploiting his abilities to the utmost, even going after his long lusted after school teacher.  Not having to breath underwater has it's uses...oh my.

Phillip begs and gets Rebecca to come over and help, only to find Uschi has set her sights on seducing Phillip.  This of course becomes a case of worst decaying body parts ever, including scuttling around to try and find important bits.  Our prior school bully and humiliated lad sneaks into the house to plant drugs on the site and calls the local police, only to have his plan spoiled by the hungry Konrad eating all the Wonderful Candy!  Phillip now finds he has several problems, an embarrassed Rebecca, parts falling off, and Konrad unleashed into the party in his Thriller outfit.  For poor Phillip his first priority is use of the magic stapler to repair the Uschi vice grip damage.  This leads to the great breakup and then the police showing up for a drug raid.  Lucky for them Konrad had the munchies.  Grimly Konrad later has even more munchies driving him to once more start chowing down on those who have oppressed him.  Left with an inconvenient body they store it in the freezer and then Wurst and Phillip have a large rage fight over their condition.  As while Phillip continues to see the worst Wurst just keeps being himself, just with more stamina.

Phillip finally resolves that he has to set things right with Rebecca, and opens up and tells her everything while she begins to suspect that maybe he's been telling the truth all along.  Phillip finally starts to feel his evil hunger starting, and is barely able to stop himself.  In despair he fleas to see Worst and begs him to kill him, only to find Worst took several levels at the StormTrooper academy.  Rebecca now completely believing their plight shows up in time and convinces them that she can find a solution for them.  Now the quest to assemble the needed ingredients begins, as Rebecca informs them they have little time before the infection becomes permanent. 

At this moment Phillip's parents are on their way home, having heard rumors of a party.  In a clever bit of timing they get completely the wrong idea of what is going on and are prepared to unleash great vengeance on their wayward son.  At this point Konrad accidentally saves the day as he is struck by the angry parents driving home in a rush, but due to his nature is able to shrug off the impact.  The Parents are shocked and now detour to the hospital in order to get Konrad the help they think he needs.  Konrad soon finds that the hospital has everything he has ever desired.  A full buffet and women who adore intelligent men. 

 While Konrad is enjoying his new lease on unlife in the hospital Phillip, Worst and Rebecca prepare the antidote while also cleaning the house.  At this point unfortunately the parents make it home and let them know that Konrad can be found in the hospital.  In a plea of sanity they try telling them the truth, which has the inevitable results.  A bit of slapstick later and the parents are “incapacitated” leaving our heroes their window to flee.  The cure is tried to strange and great success, but now the effort is made to try and save Konrad from himself.  This proves tougher then imagined as Konrad doesn't want to turn back and our heroes have to chase him down to try and turn him back to human.  The whole movie wraps up with slapstick fashion and a final happy ending for both Phillip and Rebecca at last.  With just a few staples having to be explained away...

This film turned out to be quite the subtle pleasure to enjoy, with it's many small comments and observations of Germany.  Both the evolved multi-culture of today's Germany in the casting of the characters, the blending of the still “everything in its place” culture, and even the commentary on how the Zombie infection affected the three heroes differently depending on how much hate, evil or just plain meanness that was already there inside of them.  Thus putting Konrad at one end of the spectrum with all his grudges and unresolved issues while Worst ends up profiting from the experience being what turns out to be an open and honest sex and party fiend. 

Just a tip to catch the humor it is best enjoyed in the original German with subtitles if you really need them so all the original and fun humor comes through.  And I must say this is an interesting take on the whole Zombie phenomenon.  Now I find my curiosity is piqued to see just how other countries have looked at it with horror and humor. 

Of course now I'm craving a good serving of blood pudding...

The Butler Reviews DEMONS

Ah the movie DEMONS. A beloved classic here in the Gory Kingdom. It's one that my Butler and I remember fondly. Today he took it upon himself to review this one for the blog, while I go and try to clean up some demon summoning gone wrong. I have some...expertise in this area you might say. Though I'm not Anthony Hopkins in The Rite, which despite how crappy a movie it is, has ANTHONY FUCKING HOPKINS in it possessed by demons. See this movie for his performance alone!

Anyhow, on with the show...

The Butler's Viewpoint

All right, just this once when I nip off for a pint I am going to sneak a very certain film I spied on the collection of the Dark Mistress here.  As I must confess it brought back a certain nostalgia to when I was a wee lad just growing up in the flats.

This time I am going to take a look at a classic, the Dario Argento film Demons.

Many will never have heard of this priceless gem of a horror movie, others I can imagine are almost giddy in delight just thinking of this long sought import.  For me this was my first exposure to just what could come out of a horror film, and what innovation and imagination could come from outside of the colonies here.  I was a mere teenager before my time in the Forces, enjoying a Good Friends and Bad Films night of Samhain delights, and on the VCR came this surprise. 

We start our film by meeting our first heroine, who is a student heading home on the subway when she starts to get nervous flashes of a man we'll call Destro.  Pursued through the station she runs into Destro only to find he is giving out free passes to a new theatre, the Metropol.  She accepts and even gets another ticket for a friend from the silent man in the half mask, and makes her way later that night for free entertainment.  Many others make their way to the theatre, with a mysterious motorcycle and sword armed rider holding a silver demon mask.  It is a strange display which will come into effect later.  The multitude of theatre goers include a wide demographic of people, including potential male interests for the two heroines.  Meanwhile one of the theatre goers decides to try on the demon mask and is cut by a small edge.  This will get important later.

Our theatre goers settle down and begin to watch our movie within a movie, a horror mystery movie that stars our motor bike as two young couples explore an old cemetery. One of the couples we see is a blind man and his female companion, having her describe what is going on. Later she meets her lover in the theatre while keeping her blind companion distracted by the movie.  Is short there is a lot of the typical nonsense of such a diverse group seeing a movie. 

In the movie within the movie the young couple open up a crypt and find an old book and an ancient mask...which oddly looks a lot like the one in the lobby.  Noting that the mask also causes a cut and in the book is supposed to spread demons and death.  Nervous, the young woman who tried the mask on in the lobby of the theatre has noticed her cut has started again and flees to the washroom. And here the film begins to get very interesting, with the woman in the washroom beginning to have corruption and fluid leak out of the cut...while in the movie in the movie the mask begins it possession as the couple begins to have the first violent episodes.

In true horror fashion our first theatre going leaves to check on what has happened to the woman who cut herself on the mask...leading a green drooling and foaming demon attacking and injuring our next contestant.  Her cries for help are drowned out by the violence of the movie in a movie, and so our first victim finds herself fleeing from her former demonic companion.  Meanwhile our guide for the blind man has left with her lover, leaving the blind man stumbling around looking for her.  Meanwhile our wounded victim soon finds her wounds also corrupting, and her screams can be heard in the theatre.  Finally she falls through the screen leading to the first hint to the entire public that something is wrong.  The first demon however has found the blind man's guide and her lover and brutally has them strangled.  Back in the original theatre the transformation of the victim continues and our heroines and their male protectors quickly note what is happening in the film is happening here.  And then the dead lovers plummet from the ceiling hanging from the rafters.

To say the “ick” level is getting pretty high, and our demonic victim ends her transformation and tears the neck apart of one of the viewers.  And our blind man finds the remains of his guide...only to have his eyes gored out by the first demon.  Panic ensues!

This is where the film takes on new levels, and the attendees as a mob flee for their lives to the main doors, and find out they have been literally bricked in!  More panic ensues but our Pimp Daddy takes charge to lead a search for the emergency exits.  People who foolishly split off from the group are killed gruesomely, and our male love interests and the pimp daddy start to form the first effective fighting unit of the theatre goers.  At this point having slain their first demon and looking for an options the fearless heroes decide the movie is to blame and thus must stop it.  They smash their way in to find automated projectors, so the clear conclusion is to completely destroy them.  Victory! 

At this point we first meet our Coke junkies out for a cruise, which is a disjoint but don't worry, they'll become useful later.  Back in the theatre they find the wounded blind man and his dead guide.  Pimp daddy insists the the body will reanimate showing a genre savvy outlook, but is resisted by the blind man.  They stumble across another demon who gets into a pitched battle with pimp daddy, who using his knife skills manages to spray the demon's ichor everywhere.  Eventually our imp daddy is overrun by demons but takes as many as he can with him.  Meanwhile the Coke junkies end up outside the theatre having spilled their literal Coke can.  Inside the theatre our heroes have gotten the everyone organized as they begin to tear the seats apart to build weapons and barricades.  They assign people to even bang on the walls, and keep outlooks out.  For once, pretty savvy people.

The wall bangers actually find success and knock a wall down into a new section of building.  However all they find are more bricked up walls, and despair kicks in for several of the female members of the group.  Back in the theatre the group settles down for what appears to be a long siege.  Outside the Coke Junkies have a local run with the police and flee, only to strangely be let in by a door to the theatre.  The police search around for a way in and uncover of all things the body of the blind man!  Guess that has uses...and he's not quite dead yet.  He strikes out at the police who open fire on the demon, and cut away to the Coke junkies making their way into the complex.  While the original theatre goers grow despondent, our Coke junkies have now made their way to the lobby, and start to stumble on glowie eyed demons. 

Back in the theatre they can hear the gunshots of the cops, leading most of the people to start tearing down the barricades.  Meanwhile the Coke Junkies quickly decide to start to fight and flee using an assortment of weapons.  And the original theatre is soon overrun while our main heroines and their partners dig a way out and run in the chaos.  At this point the four realize that one of the heroines caught a scratch from the demons and is now infected and corrupted too, forcing them to kill her, or at least try.  And then there was three.  Or rather two as one of the heroes becomes wounded, and knows his fate is to also become corrupted.  Staggering off he falls at the lobby display, and urges them to kill him before he turns with the sword from the display. 

And now the film takes another twist, as our remaining two decide to keep the sword, and the fully functional motorcycle and off they go on a full out slaying spree!  To heavy metal riffing they take the battle to the demons in an all terrain battle for survival!  The only thing missing is Reb Brown to make this a perfect over the top moment.  Then having successfully cleared the demons from the theatre a rumbling sound from overhead indicates a new twist.  Plunging through the roof is a helicopter and it's dead crew. 

Now debating their strange luck, and seeing the remaining demons gathering to see what the noise was they start up the crashed chopper blades to slay more demons.  Then they start to plan a way out through the roof.  A quick search and grappling hooks and guns are found, and they hurry to get their way out using the winch on the helicopter.  One last demon and our heroes are out!  Of course it can't be that easy and a new appearance by Destro tries to kill the heroes and force them back in.  Fortunately our heroine has learned to fight and first impales and then helps finishing him off.

Victory, or at least until they notice the other strange noises and gunfire outside.  Looking around, it appears our blind man demon has helped spread things and the city is in chaos!  And so the two last heroes try to flee, only to be pursued by the growing hordes of demons.  Losing hope at last, they start to lose the urge to keep running when a family fully armed to the teeth shows up.  Packing the heat they rescue our heroes and blaze a trail out of the city.  A hope spot for our last two...at least until the credits roll...

This film both terrified me and delighted me like no other film did at the time.  And now looking at it this is a remarkable piece of work.  In an age of CGI effects the amount of detail and effort put into the practical effects both disgust and stir wonder!  And the characters forge themselves well, and even get you cheering that the theatre goers aren't just “meat to the slaughter”, but rather just people who can indeed grow and be cheered in their fight to survive.  The soundtrack is such classic eighties, and everything is tightly written and even performed.

Looking back I find this is the film that got me to start to look at what else was out there from other countries.  Demons for me was like a gateway to a whole new world of cinema on many levels, and not just horror.  I think that is why finding this now on DVD it brings back so many wonderful memories of a VCR, Good friends, and in the end a good horror film.

Well time for this old warhorse to put the pint glass away and get back to the business of cleaning the place up.  I know they insist the cobwebs are part of the yearly decor, but it's just not proper!     

Day 19: Time For Another Butler Review...

I'm taking the night off for Marathon Movie watching, and making one of my other minions do it. At least for one film. I have to prepare my senses this weekend for a really terrible movie Mad Jester has suggested we watch for one of our infamous AAARG MY FUCKING EYES segments. Plus, I need to do more Halloween stuff, like corn mazes, shopping...all the lovely holiday things. And because the Gory Kingdom is a magical place, we have a Butler who occasionally fancies himself a writer and is more than happy to share another review with you he wrote for the Halloween season. HOW KIND OF HIM! This means more time for me to drink myself stupid while I watch another terrible movie with Mad Jester...

From The Butler

Tonight's Sufferance- Monster Brawl

T'would only be fitting that after being promised by the good peoples of this manor a night off that one would sit back and relax with a good movie, preferably one in the mood of a good fight in the ring movie.  You know, Queensberry Rules, that sort of thing!  Settle down with a good pint and perhaps cheer on a decent underdog.

Of course the lovelies that I take care of here decided they would supply me a good fight movie for my enjoyment.  They did assure me it would be like no other fight film I had ever seen.

Oh my.

What I was provided turns out to be not quite the mano-a-mano sort of thing but a combination of Wrestling, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and just plain whatever one could get away with.

The premise is this.  Take a group of Monster both infamous and improvised and throw them into a ring to fight to the death.  Starting off as a ladder match and set in a Necropolis hosted and presented to the viewers as a “Showdown for the Ages”.  Set up into conferences of Undead and Creatures.  Cleverly I must admit they try to use several Public Domain and famous creatures and then as close as one can get.  And then as one of the great hosts they bring in a Mouth from the South Jimmy Hart.  Yes I can already feel and taste the quality coming up.

Treated as a Pay per View special event, we're given short biographies of each competitor and then presented with our first events and our special referee Herb Dean from the UFC .  Of course the dark comedy of this film quickly makes short work of the referee in a collateral damage strike by the first two contenders.  Well they did say it was a Standard Death Match.

A touch of class is granted that our voice overs are provided by the great Lance Henriksen, lending a sense of gravity and seriousness to what is quickly a no holds barred wrestling and ultimate fighting challenge by the monsters.  And so we begin.  Time for another pint I think.

First we meet the Cyclops, striving to train and win the final battles.  And then the more generic Witch Bitch, an unusual creature with a mix of classic Salem harlot and ugly hag.  Trained by opportunistic wee troll trainer into a fighter, so in short its almost a foregone conclusion this is going to be a “jobber match” if I understand the term. With great fanfare from our Mouth of the South we get our two opponents called into the ring and get treated to a dirty tricks fight and beat down.  This of course leads to the early demise of our referee Herb Dean, meaning we're to be treated to even more nasty beat-downs.  Both our TV commentators note it can only get worse from here.  Ding dong the witch is dead indeed.  Another pint I fear at this point.

Now its time to look at the Undead conference, with now background on the Mummy who escapes from a museum to take part in the tournament.  Soon followed with a look at our Lady Vampire, giving us a different and darker take on a Vampire legend.  (One imagines they wanted a mean lady in leather literally Hell bent.)  Entering the ring one is treated to a true battle of titans immortal using every trick in their books to try and triumph over the other.  Final triumph goes to the monster that just wants it more in the end.

And now we get our next introduction to our next contenders, who we find is starting off with the latest in a long line of werewolves.  And in our other corner we get introduced to the Swamp Gut, and disturbing creature that is a protector of nature in the bayou.  A battle of the Creatures conference, this quickly delivers its promise to be a rather low and disgusting affair.  Splattered across the ring the battle is soon decided, with the winner promised to be faced off against a winner from the heavy-weight conference of the Undead.

Now we are told the tales of the Undead conference heavy-weight challenges.  A Zombie experiment from the government, and the classic Frankenstein monster needs little lead in, just a minor update to a creature we all know for this battle royale.  And so brought to the ring are these two Undead horrors, with the addition that we know its hard to have just one Zombie.  The trainers for the two monsters engage in their own personal battle, leading the raising of the Dead from the graveyard and unleashed on everything in the battle ring.  The Mouth of the South and his beauties wisely make a quick retreat while the commentators find themselves defending themselves. 

And thus finally our last battle of the ring. Werewolf against the Frankenstein.  Both monsters holding grudges against the other for what they each represent.  And in typical wrestling bravado they hype and taunt each other into the main event.  Though this proves to be a sideshow to the ongoing background saga of our commentators dealing with the side effects of their zombie attack.  Fortunately the final battle continues on outside the ring, leading a far more satisfying victorious conclusion.  And in true horror fashion this is then followed by the horror tradition of a cliff-hanger of the monsters.

You know, this really isn't a half bad fight flick.  Clearly there is a lot of love for the entire genre of not just the creatures and horrors themselves, but a strong love for the craziness that is the World Wrestling Federation and fighting games like Mortal Kombat in all their heyday and havoc.  Not only is the the commentary witty and to be expected the battles themselves also pay good homage from the fighting genre that modern audiences have since taken for granted.  I find myself smiling at this choice and enjoying it for what it is, a tribute film to everything that a kid growing up on this loved and dreamed of, taken to a very black comedy conclusion.  My complements to a clever writer and the cast bringing their own love of the genres to the screen.

Well, I must say this has been a pleasant surprise.  Now maybe I should take these tickets to this new theatre that the Mistress here has left here unused?  What could possibly go wrong at a film premiere?

KWEENY TODD CELEBRATES 2 YEARS OF HORROR BLOGGING

LET'S FRIGGEN CELEBRATE BITCHES!

Today isn't the ACTUAL date of my 2 year anniversary, but I was busy gallivanting around with Pirates, Gypsies and Faeries. Two huge festivals back to back kind of sucked up all my time, not to mention doing my film project RED HANDED and other side projects in between. So I apologize to you, my lovely Gory Kingdom, for not being on time with the festivities. I juggle many things, and sometimes the juggling isn't perfect.

BUT YES! MY BLOG IS 2 YEARS OLD! Holy shitsnacks! People haven't booted me off the internet yet? And I still have readers? WHO ARE YOU CRAZY PEOPLE? Come on over here and give me a friggen hug! Don't mind the fangs...

*GROUP HUGZZZZZZZ, with teeth*

I'm seriously really thankful for all you readers and supporters who have stuck by me all the time. My awesome blog buddies who've contributed to pieces such as THE ULTIMATE CANDYMAN EXTRAVAGANZA, GIRLS HORRIBLE MOVIE NIGHTS, interviews with people working in the genre and other blog events. I also wanna thank my fellow partners in crime: Lord Bearington, Mad Jester, and the newest member of the Gory Kingdom, My Butler. Because a Kweeny should have a damn Butler to clean up her murders *cough* I mean messes! *shifty eyes*

From all of us here at Kweeny Todd, we thank you for your support! We aren't just horror lovers, we are horror family, and we need to stick together. Just let's not stick too much together. I don't do ass to mouth...

Speaking of Extreme Horror, many of my blog chums and I are celebrating over at GUTS AND GROG! It's Extreme Horror Week gang! Bring out your dark, creepy, and devious sides and come join us! 

The Butler Reviews Another One...

UnDead or Alive

The Butler's View

Seeing as everyone around here is too busy recovering from some form of Bubonic plague it falls and bemoans to myself, and how I moan about it, to look over another of these films they have left laying around here.

One longs for a classic, some upbeat drama, true mastery of the language! Instead, well looks like they have given me something dreadful to watch and express an opinion on. Oh my.

The film starts off as a Western setting, all right that is not such a bad start. There have been many a priceless and enjoyable Western in the days of...why is that farmer eating a live chicken? Oh dear, one of THOSE films is it? Soon it becomes apparent that there is some sort of White Man's curse causing corpses to stagger about and create havoc. You know if these colonials had stayed proper members of the Empire this wouldn't be such a problem. Perhaps the concept of keeping one's agreements is such a bother to this Manifest Destiny thing?

So, we have this Apache Geronimo curse floating about. So this is a serious horror story of...oh no. Seriously? While the Army Deserter is played by James Denton; a Plumber for Desperate Housewives; isn't a bad choice for a lead...his partner is. Is. Really I am supposed to take a man in a leisure suit seriously as the other male lead? Chris Kattan is going to play the other one? I serious will expect Haddaway music to break out at any moment now. At least the film quickly realizes that having a serious horror film is hopeless and starts to head in the direction of comedy. Faster than a marine on leave with his first pay-cheque.

 

So our leisure boy is courting a local girl; who while currently not in the horizontal position apparently serves many a happy client that way. Having issues with this way of life he begins a fight with our other hero the Plumber. Soon the Sheriff arrests both and has them hauled into prison. At this point is where I suspect the writers threw up their arms at whom they had cast as the leads and start to dive headlong into comedy from horror. While the Sheriff is corrupt his deputy is quite the doofus and inept to boot. No really boots come into this as he robs the heroes of their boots. Locked in the cell next to them is the earlier farmer/zombie, whom at this point no one realizes is a zombie. His attempts to eat brains instead get shooed away as annoying attempts for attention.

 

At this point I am beginning to wonder if the zombie's quest for brains is going to be very futile.

Using limited cunning on the Deputy Leisure Suit and Plumber finagle a way out of the cell, and even manage to rob the corrupt Sheriff to boot...oh and steal their boots back. Dumb Deputy finds himself locked in the cell and find himself the victim of the zombie looking for brains to eat...that the zombie gives up on this quest is a poor sign indeed.

In an attempt to get his lady back instead they find her in the arms of the corrupt Sheriff doing the hips shake dance a little closer than is the norm in most brothels, or at least without an extra ten quid. They decide to leave town quickly taking all the Sheriff's ill gotten gains. When the Sheriff goes back for his Dumb Deputy he find himself bitten for his troubles. They resolve in fine western fashion to assemble a Posse to pursue our heroes.

Taking time to “bond of cowboys” our heroes decide to demonstrate shooting skills while discussing what to do next. Leisure suit of course proves to be a useful as a tax auditor so we quickly know that he's going to be of little use. Our Plumber proves to be tolerate and instead a strange friendship forms as they go to sleep that night. They awaken naked in another “Bond of cowboys”. Finding themselves in the middle of a bizarre Moen commercial we now have the third member of our team, and doing everything by the Numbers she learns that one is an army deserter, both are almost useless, and that they can aid her in finding an Army base in exact her revenge on the White Men. Numbers here is Geronimo's niece, and she want to get back for the killing of her uncle. Hitching her naked prisoners to a horse they ride off to go play pony.

Meanwhile the Posse notices that the Sheriff and Deputy are a little green and meaner than normal. The Posse finds itself on the menu, so that soon the entire Posse is a zombie posse off to rustle up some brains. Our Brainless Heroes unknowingly come up with a clever plan to ambush the posse before taking on the US Army fort. The ambush goes well until it occurs to the zombies that they actually don't need to stay dead, causing our heroes to flee as fast as they can. Now our heroes are aware of the White Man curse and that they may need to escape from the area quickly.

Back in the town they have hung the farmer from the beginning who murdered his family...only once more the fact he is a zombie continues to not register at all. So he doesn't stay dead. Over time our farmer manages to eat and kill most the town, finally finishing off the town priest who dies screaming being smothered by an undead prostitute. Not exactly a little death to finish things.

Instead of following this interesting tale we get to rejoin our heroes. They are captured by the US Army, and the whole sordid history of our Army Deserting Plumber comes out, and how it is their money he took from them in gambling. Arresting all of them they are hauled to the fort which they were looking for in the first place, just now how they planned. Thinking they'll have to explain the whole White Man's curse rising from the dead thing they are lucky to find out they don't need to! Our undead Posse got there first so instead the whole fort is a mass of undead! Joy. 

 

The soldiers are quickly slain while our heroes once more blunder about until they come up with the clever idea of drawing all the zombies outside of the fort and then closing the door. This remarkably works better than planned and so we now have our heroes inside the fort surrounded by an annoyed undead posse and soldiers, all intent on eating them. By this point the heroes have figured out that unlike most zombie films shooting them in the head just doesn't work. However decapitation as shown in an earlier scene seems to do the trick. Thus they quest for Cavalry sabres to use, as all the firearms seem to do is annoy the zombies. Meanwhile Ms. Numbers revels that there is a cure to being a zombie, besides removing the head, eating the flesh of the person who created the curse.

Our heroes have figured they can't stay here and need to flee the fort. Building a Blunderbuss they of course find a way to mess up the escape and thus let all the zombies in with them still trapped inside. Making their way into the cellars our Plumber gets bitten and decides to pull a last stand to protect our remaining heroes. Once more this plan doesn't go so well either. While the explosion of the fort's gunpowder and dynamite does wonders to lower the zombie population, Zombie Plumber survives and winds up throwing the Dumb Deputy zombie off a cliff and then biting Leisure Suit.

Thinking herself the only survivor Ms Number runs into the still surviving Zombie Sheriff, however is saved by a now Zombie Leisure Suit and Plumber. They prepare for what appears to be an epic sword-fight, only for us to cut to the next scene of a cured set of heroes minus Numbers. Evidently Om nom nom of relatives works just as well and they ride off into the sunset. Meanwhile back in town the first Zombie farmer digs up his now Zombie family, unliving happily ever after.

Oh dear, not exactly a typical cowboy western is it then? Perhaps the writers did have some sense when deciding to change directions and strike out for comedy in this one, as it does save what could have been a very poor film. The removing of the concept of shooting in the brain actually does ramp it up a bit, though the blundering of the still somewhat thinking...one cannot call the actions intelligent...zombies of the film give our heroes quite a bit of a challenge in dealing with them. In fact running seems to be really the best option. The zombies quest for brains to eat, but there is a serious lack of said brains in most of the living. You get quickly the feeling that once they had the casting they did it was time to just run as fast as one could and hope not to trip and land on their face. And while it is no Shakespeare or Clements they do tell a story and do make the heroes, if not likable, at least you start to cheer just a little for them.

I suspect this is one that requires a quick nip to the pub. After I shall pop back here and continue my duties to get this lot off and out of their beds. Never seen a bunch more prone to taking something as minor a Plague and get all complaining like it was the end of the world. Clearly they have never been to Glasgow before.

Cheers

The Butler

Kweeny's Butler Tries His Hand At Reviewing.

There are many strange and wonderful characters who lurk within the Gory Kingdom. While I may be "Queen" of this crazy madhouse, my rag-tag crew of minions are the reason I get anything done. Sometimes, it's good to have help. I can rope in Mad Jester and Lord Bearington to help me with reviews, but there is a little known helper who lurks within this realm. Without him, this place would be a trash heap. (Not that it's neat by society's standards, but it's better to have body parts lying around rather than pizza boxes and empty booze bottles) Now normally, he's seen and not heard. Just quietly doing his job in the shadows. But I was in need of help recently, and with everything on my plate, couldn't keep up with the blog. Mad Jester was busy getting his medication adjusted and Lord Bearington was sleeping from a food coma (as usual), so I turned to my trusty Butler for help.  

Oddly enough, he has an opinion on all the horror stuff that goes on around here. So I gave him a shot at reviewing a movie fav of mine: Dog Soldiers. 

Let's see how well he does shall we?

~Kweeny

THE BUTLER REVIEWS DOG SOLDIERS

Sometimes it amazes me what this lot leave around this place.  So during my weekly cleaning I was amazed to find a DVD of a film I hadn't seen since this old chap's military days.  While recovering from injuries in the recovery platoon there wasn't a whole lot of entertainment, just a large tele and a VCR.  So quality movies weren't the order of the day, but one could get boxes of old cassettes to pop in, and lo a particular favourite of ours became a little known film called, Dog Soldiers.

This wee little horror film became a popular piece, and little did we know it would become a hidden little “who's who”of actors before roles we see them in today.  Of course the resemblance to yet other more known actors led to a lot of confusion in trying to describe the film in later years when trying to find it anywhere on the DVD.  “It's that film with Doctor Who, and the other Doctor...the foppish one!  And they team up with the Equalizer!  And it's got Werewolves!”

Ahem...yes that description for over a decade meant many thought I had been nipping way too much of the surgical brandy in the days. 

Of course now, we know better.  And one is delighted to once more find this little gem in the Werewolves genre of films, and now you can see just really who was in there waiting to be found.

Our first setting is the fine bonnie land of Scotland and a young couple snockered in a tent ready for a good snoggin.  Sharing presents; and importantly a silver letter opener; only to be mysteriously attacked.  Okay, set up premise of a sorts.  Some monster or person attacking people out in Scotland.  Ho hum this is going to be a boring one is it not?

We now switch to what is going to be our hero...Private Cooper British Army.  At the time one could mistake the actor for Christopher Eccleston but this is none other than Kevin McKidd.  You'll get to know him better in the Rome series as Lucius Vorenus.  Guess this is going to be a way to toughen this laddie up for better things?  Turns out he's in training to join the lads at the Boathouse and fails the last test given to him by what sounds and looks to be the Equalizer.  This turns out to be another mixed up identity as this turns out to be Liam Cunningham, well before his fame in a little known show called Game of Thrones.

Oh you've heard of that one?  Pity.

So our Roman Centurion here fails the Equalizer's test to shot the dog...no really that's the final part of his test, where he tells them to go and sod off.  Return to Unit for the lad!  Okay, so we're going to have a bitter hero here then, all right.  A bit more interesting but still wondering where there tale is going.  Time for another pint then.

Weeks later...in the story you twits...Private Lucius...ack, Cooper, is now with a squad of Gropos whooshing off on an exercise out in Scottish woods led by Sergeant-Foppish-Who.  Yes I know it's Sean Pertwee but this is becoming a pattern in this film of Who's who.  They've been told it's a training exercise against the SAS chaps that had given Vorenus there a harsh time.  However instead they find the remains of the group and one very maimed but still a wanker Capt. Equalizer.  Okay it's Capt. Ryan, guess they're saving Capt. Ryan and not Private this time?  Oh please yourself.

Getting ambushed by whatever it is that got Capt. Ryan's crew...and he's not telling what it was, they loose the private three days from retirement and end up running through the woods until they find this lovely lass who takes them to this house in the woods.  Not seeing a classic parked outside or any other signs of a horror stereotype they barricade themselves in and start assessing just how chewed up they are.

Let's see, one dead, a wounded but still pissed Capt, and one pretty ripped up Sergeant-Who.  Since he's not a Timelord this time around he's in pretty bad shape, and it takes literally a crazy glue solution to keep his inside...well inside.  Wisely the chaps decide to get the nearby car and get the sod out of here, only to have it destroyed by what they see are their attackers...werewolves.  Bet you wish you'd shot that dog earlier, eh Vorenus?  Oh, and there is the woman who saved them.  And of course radios are out, and no one has a cell phone, and there's no working land line.  Well this has become a fine ripper of time hasn't it, eh what?

The soldiers end up using everything they can find along with their weapons to keep fighting off the werewolves, having this clever idea that all they need to do is survive until the sun rises.  And they literally loot and use anything they can in this house.  Yet another of the troopers is gouged and ripped away, and our fearless heroes realize that their weapons do not have a Hong Kong infinite supply of bullets.  This could be a problem.  Our troopers figure they better loot a vehicle from the nearby garage.  Yeah that goes all to rot as the werewolves throw a head at them.  And once again the old cliche of hiding in the back seat gets another of the Troopers killed.  Serious though, how do you hide a werewolf that soddin big in the back seat and NOT NOTICE?!?!  Well that's another trooper dead.  All we have left now is Sergeant-Who, Private Vorenus, Capt. Equalizer and one other trooper called Spoon.  (Okay that one I'm not making up.)

Capt. Equalizer wolfs up, but being new to this get his ass kicked by the Roman and off he runs into the woods.  Nearly forgotten is the lassie that “saved” them earlier, and she gets the clever idea of blowing up the garage, arguing that the wolves must all live in there.  Soldiers blowing something up, Sweet!  Blowie!!!  You Fools!  Turns out all along that the lassie is yet another Werewolf and just wanted them completely trapped her, as the rest of the werewolves swoop in for the kill.  Just when all seems lost for Vorenus in swoops the Sergeant fully regenerated to kill off the betrayer and get our hero out of there.  (He IS a Timelord, I knew it!)  They run upstairs while the Spoony one heads for the kitchen, you fool!  Several flashbangs latter and yells of “Betrayal!” and the werewolves have torn him apart.  The werewolves tear up the stairs to get at our two timelords, only for them to shoot through the floor and back into the kitchen.  Our hero Cooper heads into the basement while the Sergeant lights up the gas stove and blows the rest of the house into bits.  Dog bits.  Yum!

Before our last surviving hero can leave, he runs again into the now prancing about Capt. Ryan, and that silver letter opener makes another appearance at last.  As he uses this to stab the vermin, and this time Private Vorenus learns to shot the dog. 

While starting off slow this film ends up being a rather entertaining “last stand” by a bunch of soldiers against a pretty nasty werewolf threat.  In a time before mass usage of CGI one ends up having to appreciate clever use of angles, poor lighting, and costumes to generate a feasible werewolf threat.  What sells the film really is the characters themselves, and the actors behind them.  You have to give a full toast and raising of the pint that these at the time unknown actors so sold the roles they were in that the films actually does have you cheering on the soldiers to get out of this one.  That's not very often I find in a horror film where I find myself hoping that the “heroes” survive.    

All right, smiles all around then.  Seeing this lost gem in the scattered collection here while cleaning the place up a bits made this old warhorse smile.  Sometimes it's how you saw a film and who it was with that can make something all the better to remember, and this one I got to see with my own Brother Dog Soldiers as it were.  Well time to nip this back to the shelf and get the place all cleaned up before that wild lot get back from their latest adventures.

Cheers.

The Butler