Kweeny Reviews: The Berzerk Death Dealer

I like to try and support all kinds of horror media. But I don't always get the chance to. The most easily accessible media for horror is film. So I do a lot of reviews on it. But this time, I get to do a metal horror comic!

What makes today comic, THE BEZERK DEATH DEALER, special is the at that there are real people starring in it. You might know the name of the dark temptress Tristan Risk, but if you haven't just look up the name. you'll want to. She is an actress and performer and now, a comic book villain! Though in this case, I think everyone is a villain in this comic.

The world of The Bezerk Death Dealer is a dark one. There is guts and gore, people doing horrible things to each other, and a hero who has a fucking rad demonic cat-beast-thing who turns into a motor cycle! It's pretty bitchen, and I think the beast-bike is my favorite part of the book. Who doesn't want a loyal, sassy, monster bike who helps you get your job done?

The plot isn't exactly the most deepest, moving thing I have ever read, but it's fucking fun! And sometimes, that's all you want to read. The low down is this: Death is an all powerful being and makes the Death Dealer character do his bidding. When he wants something taken out in a spectacle of gore and madness, he sends the Bastard of Death and his doggo. When they are tapped to assassinate someone, the pair is getting high with his bike buddy. The party is done for a time, until they entire Gothic Town. Yup, the place is called Gothic Town. For real.

If you can handle Troma movies with their silly stories and all over nasty gore messes, you will be into this.

Love this realistic version of Maz Latex

So Gothic Town. There are a lot of assholes in Gothic Town. Reality imitates life. *wink* It's a place damned souls get stuck in and die. We see people being terrible to each other, and we know this is build up for our...hero and his pet to show us what they are made of. The Death Dealer gets a phone call from "Big Boss" and gets to work. We see the duo get dressed up in their finest gothic attire and the dog turns into a bike. Or is it a cat? I think he's a dog since he barks, but he is very stylized. I love him. I don't care what he is. I want to drive off into the sunset on his back.

(So the bike-beast actually has a name Rockabella! Perfect! A worthy name of a bike-beast. This could mean the bike is female, but gender doesn't change my love of the character.)

There' some cool panels of the Diablo riding Rockabella as they move toward destiny, and we find out his name is Diablo. Super gothic name bro. When he breaks into his targets domain (which is full of torture and sexy rubber clad bitches) he prepares a bomb called, "The Bomb Boner."

This is my face as I see the reveal of The Bomb Boner:

But that's how it goes in Gothic Town! So run with it!

So the servants of the realm are called Da' Festish Queenz, and they are ruled by the biggest, baddest bitch of them all. Tristan's character: Maz Latex. She has some experimental drug she stole from Big Boss called BEAST MODE and drinks it when the show down with Diablo gets heavy.

Maz in Beast Mode is a creature to be feared!

The Death Dealer sets off his bomb and for a moment, it bothers our big Queen bee. But then she smiles. Because it means war. Death Dealer puts on his "I'm serious business now" mask and looks damn stylish. If I can say one thing about all this ultra violence silliness, it's that it looks real good. The art style is fantastic and shows the work of someone who's taken years to perfect their craft. The storytelling is shallow but fun, and I think that is the point. If you go into this comic with ideas other than a fun time with ultra sexy violence, then this isn't for you. This comic is exactly what it says on the front cover, and I love it. I love it for being boldly, stupidly fantastic. Horror comics mixed with gothic aesthetic are bad ass. We need more of them. I don't care if they are cliché. I love it. And I love Tristan Risk's character so much because she's a vicious, beautiful warrior who leads with sadistic joy. She almost trumps Diablo in how over the top she is.

Look at the detail! This is Diablos mask.

The creators of the comic really put a lot of time into making this crazy madness. It shows in the art. Because no one who doesn't love their work makes a replica mask for nothing:

In summary, this comic is a fun, crass romp with beautiful visuals and a hardcore presentation.you can tell by the effort the creators had that this is a passion project. I'd like to see more from Death Punk Comix in the future, and they told me they plan to do just that. Get on your wild beast-bike roaring into the distance, and read this one. You'll have a gory good time.

Kweeny Goes to Crypticon 2017!

I killed it!

If you've been following me on social media, you know last weekend I went to Crypticon. You also know I had a fucking blast and I am still recovering from it! You know it's a good con when you come home limping. And I didn't get to go to any parties!

Demons to some...

So this review is going to be from a vendor's point of view. So keep that in mind. I tried to go to as much stuff as possible, but I was mostly in the Dealers Room. Which had good points and bad points. Good point was I got to see Doug Bradley right away! It was amazing guys! He is a gentle-beast and a Hellpriest. He over heard us all talking about Nightbreed and how amazing a movie it is, and when I came up to meet him, after shaking my hand and asking my name he went right into an amazing story about how he, Clive Barker, Barbie Wilde and more were all working on Hellraiser. He shared stuff about the filming of Nightbreed and for an aspiring filmmaker like myself, it just made me squee inside my head. That stunned look I got on my silly mug is because I am still buzzing from the story. LOL! I was so honored to meet him. You all know by now how much Clive's work moves me. How meeting actors in his films is important to me. I wanted to go find Median growing up. I was a monster, I knew where the monsters lived.

But I have found were the monsters live: Horror Cons. it's all about the horror cons monster kids. And that's part of what makes Crypticon so special. My favorite part of the con was running around hugging my friends. This was my second year of Crypticon, but I have been to a few cons and festivals around the PNW, so now people know me. Some, even like me! Some, wanna party with me, but I am not working with a full bar of energy. I love my con friends. they are all really talented and passionate folks who inspire me to do better. I want to vend my own stuff some day. And I still want to make movies. I went to some filmmaking panels, and one by the lovely Gigi Saul Guerrero of Luchagore Productions, suggested I see.

Some of my favorite indie filmmakers! 

She was so fucking right too! This is how a good panel should leave you feeling. Ready to try some shit out for yourself! I think supporting each other is so very important. All my friends have worked hard to get where they are. Be they Con Staff, to even us vendors. I noticed from vending that everyone helps each other in this game. Once you're all in, you've got back up. People know me as Press usually so my vending confused some folks. But it's all connected. All part and parcel of a con.

I didn't go party with my favorite folks (you know who you are), because I couldn't get a ride home and I was in pain. Still in pain. The pain was worth it, but it hurts like a hell priest ripping your skin off. I'll party with you one day, mark my words!

I need an Evac!

If there is one thing I took away from this con it's this: Thank you for reminding me what #HorrorFamily really means. We gotta make pockets of Median were we can. Because we ARE the monster kids. This is why we make cons like Crypticon. The Saw is Family.

Kweeny Reviews: O Unilateralis

Hey Monsterkids! It's your old pal Kweeny Todd here with a movie review! I'm trying to get back on the blogging horse. So here it goes:

Recently I had the pleasure to watch the indie found footage film O Unilateralis. This movie is full of little details that really make it feel real. O Unilateralis is not your typical found footage film, and I adore it for that. It starts off normal enough though. Two Travelers filming their road trip pick up a girl named Abby along the way, and from there things take a dark turn. This isn’t even the most interesting part of the film. Just some details we need to get to the really good parts.

Now I am going to be honest here, found footage bugs me. I hate the style and I find it’s over used. But this movie uses it in a way I could get into. It actually made things seem more real because of the places the story goes with it. When you realize a dark conspiracy is happening, it adds a sense of realism to the movie. And the story unfolding between the three travelers is its own dark tale. They drive through some really scenic parts of Oregon to get to their cabin getaway, only to find weird things along their path. Like a police blockade that causes them to take the back roads because Troy has weed and freaks out. Troy gets high and starts acting like a dick to pretty much everyone all in the name of “fun.” But no one else around him is having fun. Especially after what he does near the end. I will warn you, there is rape in this film. And graphic violence. The gore is done really well for an indie film and there are some scenes that really fucking shine gore wise.

Before the doomed travelers (who are all fantastic actors) get to that point, we are given little hints about what’s happening. An old lady attacks Abby, and if you know anything from horror movies, if you are bitten by someone, you’re fucked. When we find out what is causing the outbreak, and if you look up the name of this film, it will all make sense. Is this a zombie film? Not sure that part matters really. A sickness is infecting people and making them attack each other. That’s all you need to really know. The plot goes from two guys go on an adventure and a girl comes between them (Because one of the guys is an asshole rapist), to, “Holy shit what did I just see? Did she eat that guy? LOL!”

It’s a great film with a lot of meat on its bones. If you want to watch a found footage conspiracy that has people behaving badly and shows A LOT of the grisly details, this movie is for you. I’m looking forward to seeing what Michelle Nessk does next for sure.

KWEENY REVIEWS: Killer Party and talks HHMMM!

Once again the moon is full, the month is October, and I have crawled out of my putrid grave to celebrate! And I'm thinking, let's start off this month of MADNESS with a movie review!

For those of you unawares, I spend the month of October doing a crazy movie watching contest called HALLOWEEN HORROR MOVIE MARATHON MADNESS, or MADNESS for short. It's a Facebook group that is full of nerds like me, who like to use October as an excuse to marathon the shit out of every horror or Halloween themed movie in existence! My team is called Team Killing Joke, after one of my favorite Joker stories. There's a lot of cool events and teams this year, and our theme for movie watching is:

So when I got emailed to do a review of the movie KILLER PARTY, it seemed almost like destiny that I wait and review it at the start of the Horror Marathon! Bring on the crazy clown! *honk*

Killer Party is about a bunch of acting friends get together for a baby shower. Little do they know, this baby shower will turn into a fight for their lives! When some weird phenomenon makes people go completely bonkers, (not quite a zombie outbreak, because people who get sick retain all their normal functions. Which makes them a little scary.) these quirky friends try to survive and find a way out.

It's a simple set up, nothing that hasn't been done before. Except the clown from the party gets sick. And then some of their neighbors. And then some of their friends. The shenanigans the group gets up to doing things like look for food is some funny shit! I laughed so hard during some scenes, but I don't want to spoil it and tell you too many details...

Another thing I loves was the failed actors group. Each one had a unique character they brought to the group, even the ones that seemed like assholes. If they were amateur actors for real, I don't know. But I do think they gave convincing performances. So many times when I watch indie films the acting is th first to go. Glad to say this isn't the case here. I think people just had fun shooting this film, and it comes out. It's not filmed in a special way, but it's decent cinematography. Each character felt like they had a good moment, and a reason to be there. and I have to applaud Mary (Played by Rachael Dummond) for being actually pregnant on set! That belly is real folks! The clown is probably my other favorite character. Just pure evil in bright colors. Does the clown get his comeuppance? Check out Killer Party and find out!

My final verdict is this is one to watch. It's funny, sincere, a little goofy, and somethings unnerving. Need another clown movie to get you full points during the HHMMM? Look for this one.

Kweeny Reviews: WOLFCOP

I'm really pleased to see more werewolf horror movies coming out. With movies like Female Werewolf (which I am dying to get a hold of and see) and the movie I am reviewing today WOLFCOP, more of my furry friends are showing audiences that werewolves are just as interesting as any other classic monster. And this one is Canadian made! Home grown werewolf love! *howls*

Wolfcop is pure cheese though. Not that cheese is bad, I love a good silly horror film like the next guy. And Wolfcop doesn't pull punches. The plot is groan worthy, with a deadbeat cop named Lou Garou (Oh no! Is he possibly going to be transformed into a werewolf? I NEVER SAW IT COMING) ...who gets wrapped up in a case of weird dark rituals that turn him into the beast. Then he gets hunted by this cult of shapeshifters, who need his blood to be immortal. With his friend Willie the gun shop owner, and his partner Tina, they hunt down the cult before the can finish what they started.

Yeah, that is pretty much it. But because of how this movie is filmed, how everyone completely hams it up for the camera, and how silly the effects get at times, I had a great time watching it! The movie was self aware about it's shlock, and I don't mind watching a werewolf cop drink beer and shoot up bad guys! They never once shy away from gore or a silly punchline, which really gave this movie a Troma-esk feel. Lloyd Kaufman would be proud!

And I have to say, this movie has one of the greatest crazy sex scenes ever put on screen! Most of the movie has heavy metal or rap music, but one song stood out from all the rest. The werewolf cop makes love to someone to the tune of Moonlight Desires by Gowan! FUCKING GOWAN! You know you are a Canadian who was raised in the 80's when you recognize Gowan songs! I laughed my ass off watching this scene, so honestly, the movie is worth watching for that alone!

Check out this video of Gowan singing Moonlight Desires to get a feel for what I am talking about:

My heart is all a flutter! Just look at that mullet! /sarcasm 

Gowan man...FUCKING GOWAN IN A HORROR FILM! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY!

Wolfcop is a fun, silly werewolf film that knows just how far to go with the camp. Which in my opinion, is all the way! Never do a campy horror flick half assed. Full ass it, or don't bother!

*howls*

Monster Mavens WIHM Edition: Kweeny Reviews The Guest

It's no secret that I love Jovanka Vuckovic's work by now. She was a powerhouse on Rue Morgue back in the days when I first met her, and she still is one today. I love her writing, but her film making is really where she shines as an artist. So I have seen The Captured Bird, her first short film, and I was a backer of that one. It was brilliant. It had some flaws but I enjoyed the hell out of it. I still own one of the shirts from backing the film. I haven't seen all of her film stuff yet, but the fact she is doing Jacqueline Ness is testament to why I think she is a rising star in the horror film biz.

But enough of that.

Time to get my reviewer hat on and look at the guts of this beautiful monster of a movie called The Guest. *takes off wolf hat and puts on a different, bitchen hat.*

Now, I don't want to give too much away, because this film is really short. It's like 5 mins tops. And while that works, I feel kinda teased. I was hoping for more I suppose. Maybe I was so into the imagery and the subtly of which Jovanka tells a tale, or maybe it's deeper. Because I think she could have added a bit more...

But she is a fantastic director. I can't wait to see what Jovanka does with a feature! She knows how to frame shots well and really uses minimum space to it's fullest potential. Something about the way she sees the world with a camera is delightful and downright eerie. Just like The Captured Bird was. The Guest has that haunting eeriness, but it's also more mature. More sure of itself and uses less to do more.

The place I am in pain-wise made me really relate to the man in the mirror, who is haunted by a voice and is our main character. This voice knows too much about him. A lot of hints are dropped that this man has done bad things...very bad things, and might do more thanks to the voice.

I understand.

There is a level of hell within so deep and dark, that you have moments where you talk to yourself out loud. Debating things. Being tortured by demons.

Sometimes madness does that to you.

I think I wanted to see more of the story because of that. I wanted to know more of what happened, but I am a curious person by nature. And also, I think it would have comforted me to know more.

Jovanka isn't making films that comfort people.

But where Jovanka shines isn't in her storytelling, though she has a very strong, powerful voice. One that comes off like a hushed whisper and leaves you broken and bleeding on the floor. No, it is the imagery of The Guest that really got me. The white with blood symbolism. The ghostly child holding a heart. A mental hell realm made so bright it burns.

 Just...wow.

For something so brief, the movie sure leaves you with something to think about. Something to chew on and ponder, and perhaps, torture yourself a little bit with while you talk to the shadows about all the horrible things you've done...

And are going to do.

You can find more on Jovanka's projects on her site. Do check out more of her work. You won't be disappointed.

KWEENY GOES TO HOWL CON!

So I have been scrambling all last week to make sure a lot of things happened. One of the things that almost didn't happen for me was Howl Con.

My friend Nikki and I representing!

I'm so glad it did.

There were many things this con did different than other cons. And I will get into that in a moment.

But let me first say that WEREWOLVES ROCK and we have needed a convention for their "needs" for a long time.

You all know I love all monsters. And I have been to events for things like vampires. Vampires get all the attention. They get cons, they get balls. They get more movies than any other creature in the horror genre. They get all the love. And sparkles...

But what about the beasts of the blood moon? Don't we deserve love too?

Will Carson from Attention Span Games was willing to give me some sugar.

Howl Con is that answer. Because yes, you do get love. Revel in that love. Hunt it down like prey.

The con was a lot smaller than I expected. Which was good in some ways, because people got to know each other easier. Bigger cons make it hard to bond with your fellow nerds. Why go to a con if you weren't interested in meeting others? The biggest con I have been to so far is debatably either FanExpo in Canada or Wizard World. I have been to World Horror Convention, but that is for professionals in the industry and has a very different feel from fan cons. Fan cons are supposed to be for the fans. Sometimes they are, but sometimes they are so overwhelming it's hard to enjoy yourself.

So I was just fine with the small, intimate con. I can say I was at the con when it was a wolf pup. I can be proud of meeting all the folks I did and making all the connections I made.

My boss Deanna from Living Dead Mag steals a kiss while we pose with James for a college group shot.

I loved the variety of stuff to do at the con as well. Howl Con was unique because of the different variations of what people think werewolves mean. Everyone from bone and costume artists, to gamers, to Living Dead Magazine were there. The panels had things like "Vampires Vs Werewolves", Budget Werewolf costuming tricks, panels on crownfunding (which was a brilliant panel) and even a great writer talk panel. There was a lot of stuff packed into a tiny space. They had a film fest going on in one room, and the gaming room had the artshow. The art people make inspired by wolves is impressive. People who love wolves tend to be passionate creatures.

pretty...

I dressed up Sat, and even found some wolves to hang with who also liked being cheeky with their costuming:

Plus I got to hang with my boss and talk business, which is always a plus. I don't get a chance to go to Portland a lot, so when I can it's a great time.

Would I recommend this con to folks? Absolutely! Even if you are not a werewolf. I wanted a vampire to show up so badly so I could play off them! I would have enjoyed that greatly! Howl Con is open to everyone.

If you want more information on Howl Con check out their site here. They even have a FB and other social media.

Now I am going to play with my new bones I got at the con.

Kweeny Reviews :Tromeric's Top 500 Movie Activity Book Zine!

I've been super busy the last little while. with Women in Horror Month quickly approaching, and officially starting my own bone art business called Marrow Minded Crafts. I even made business cards!

 I have had a lot on my plate, so I didn't mean to neglect the blog. I still love you blog! *HUGS BLOG, gets werewolf fur all over the place* More horror related goodness is coming, I promise!

Kweeny can't stay away for long!

But I got a copy of this awesome activity book from my good friend Tromeric. He runs a wicked blog called Guts and Grog, and I have on more than one occasion written articles for him. I love the spirit of Guts and Grog, because who doesn't love getting drunk while watching horror movies?

Yes, I know I took the picture backwards! I know...

I sure do! *burps*

So I was pleased to play around with this great activity book, especially since sometimes I have such bad chronic pain, I am incapable of writing two words together. Forget an entire article! So having something silly and fun like this to review is awesome for those days.

I enjoyed watching horror movies and fun shows while coloring in cinema trash heroes such as Divine, and connecting the dots on Eraserhead's hair. HOW MANY ACTIVITY BOOKS HAVE THAT? Plus there are other awesome things like crosswords, word games and more. Hell, the real joy of this book is how great it is for those days you just need something silly and fun to do. Something that requires little fucks on your part, but is still entertaining! It was a pleasure to be sitting in my jammies coloring the cover in while watching Cinemasnob:

I love Brad Jones. And I love Tromeric's Top 500 Movie Activity Book Zine!

So if you want a fun book that is great for when you are having a "fuck it all" kind of day, and you wanna break out your crayons and color in some cool cinema-related shit, then buy this book. It's a lot of fun, cheap, and you can be both a bad ass adult with excellent taste in cinema, and a 5 year old.

And who doesn't wanna do that once in a while?

I do.

You can pick up a copy of Tromeric's Top 500 Activity Book here.

Kweeny Reviews...PENNY DREADFUL: SEASON ONE

So as my Facebook friends will tell you, I am in love with the show Penny Dreadful. I wasn't sure I could find another horror show that would entertain me so thoroughly like Helix did so soon, and this season of American Horror Story is okay, but not as good as Coven was for me. So my dear friends asked me, “Kweeny, have you seen Penny Dreadful?” And when I said no, they were shocked.

I got the same expression I always get when I tell people I have not in fact, seen that particular horror themed THING yet. It can be anything; from a movie, to a book, to a song, whatever. If it is in any way dark, weird or downright gory, people in my life expect me to know about it.

With good reason. I might be a TAD bit in love with horror.

I may be trying to make horror more than just a hobby. I might be going steady with horror a little, trying to make a career out of it.

So I shock people when I tell them I have not seen all the horror that ever existed. Don't worry gang, I will get around to it or die trying.

So I got several shocked expressions from friends who have seen the series Penny Dreadful because I haven't seen it yet. It got to the point I watched it to shut people up. *snickers* I sat down not expecting a damn thing from the series, and came away from first season MADLY IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING ABOUT IT! Penny Dreadful is everything 18^th century gothic horror should be. OF COURSE I FUCKING LOVED IT! Especially when they dragged out my favorite classic monsters! Everyone is there! Not to give too much away, but they tell a really amazing story that weaves all the great classic monsters around one woman named Vanessa Ives. And she HAPPENS to be possessed by demons. In such a way that it is sometimes downright terrifying to watch her on screen! (Of course, she is my favorite character, but moving on...)

I think I might have a huge lady crush on Vanessa Ives to be perfectly honest. So hard. And on Eva Green for playing such an amazingly layered female lead. Double lady crush.

We need more characters like this in the horror genre representing female characters. 

Seriously, give this show a go if you haven't already, and you love the whole 18^th century dark horror ecstatic. If that really touches your black heart like it did me, you will adore this show. And there is a second season. So the ride isn't over yet THANKFULLY!

Great acting, awesome setting, and a deliciously evil story make Penny Dreadful a fun show to follow. I'd highly endorse you having a marathon of season one.

I had to do it in pretty much one day. I gave myself insomnia watching it.

And I regret NOTHING.  

Kweeny Reviews: Helix

Welcome to 2015 gang! 

So I wanted to start the New Year off right by not only dressing up as Krampus on New Years Eve, but by watching some really awesome horror-sci-fi. Someone suggested I give Helix a try, and I'm sure glad they did. I just finished Season one on Netflix. (As for the Krampus costume, if you'd wish to see the costume I made, I posted the pictures to my instagram here. I do enjoy my monsters and demons, and I might have a slight obsession with embodying them.)

As for Helix, I wasn't prepared to be impressed with a Syfy original series. I mean, these are the same people that brought us such wonders as Sharknado right? The very same people? And don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good shlocky bit of cheese sometimes with my horror, but Helix is very much not that kind of show. The writing is tight, the characters are rich and engaging. And the virus they are dealing with on the show was actually terrifyingly convincing!

Dude, you got a little something in your eyes...oh nevermind.

So the story is this: A specially engineered super-virus is created in a secret lab out in the frigid arctic. A nice call back to the classic horror sci-fi The Thing. Only it's more like The Thing mated with a Zombie outbreak and made a beautiful abomination baby to make the shows setting. The CDC is sent to this base because whatever weird shit they were experimenting with for years and years is unleashed and people are getting infected. Scientists are getting sick, and their boss Mr. Hatake is not pleased. As the show progresses we get this marvelously complex plot that at times made me nostalgic for shows like the X Files. And trust me, you will be too if you were a huge fan of shows like that too. I'd go on about the story but I don't want to spoil too much for you. It's a very human story while dealing with things like genetic mutations, ideas about immortality, zombie monster hunting moments and even shadow government issues. Sold yet?

Don't cry Hatake, it only makes me love you more.

It's a beautifully written show, with great acting, nice special effects, the whole bit. This show is tight. If you are a fan of stuff like the X Files, The Thing, and zombie-virus-scariness, You'll love this series. It's damn good. Now I gotta figure out what next to watch, because my year has only just begun...

Come on 2015. Keep on impressing me. This is a good start TV wise. Bring on the horror!

Kweeny Reviews: Tusk

WARNING: WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

I am a fan of Kevin Smith, but even I have to admit he has some hit and misses. Even in his misses, there are parts that shine, but if the good points of the film are far overshadowed by the outright horrible, then I gotta say something.

And I am gonna be brutal here, because I do love Kevin Smith. I know he can do better.

Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't HATE Tusk. But it felt like I was watching an ALMOST awesome movie. It didn't completely win me over, but it had a lot of good parts to it. But when I watch a movie that is set in Canada, but it's made by an AMERICAN, I am going to be harsher on it than other movies. Because you are setting your tale in MY stomping ground. I'll call you on your shit if you get your Canadian-isms wrong, hoser!

The movie starts off pretty funny, and darkly humorous. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed the self-referential shots that Kevin Smith was clearly taking at himself with the whole Podcast thing, and the main character just being a huge dick of an American to Canadians. That was spot on. Canadians DO hate it when Americans act like twats when they visit, and Americans DO have a habit of treating us like simpletons because they don't understand our ways. And we WILL take shots right back at you if you can't behave yourself while visiting.

But some of the jokes about Canada were clearly from the point of view of an American trying to sell us on what he thinks the Canadian way of life is. Those jokes fall flat and are LAME. Yeah haha, mention Tim Hortons. THAT HASN'T BEEN DONE BEFORE. Oh and don't forget the crazy Hockey jokes! OH BOY I AM JUST STUNNED AT THE COMEDY GENIUS KEVIN SMITH! And let's have a really bad Quebecer investigator who is a complete bad sterotype of French-Canadians, and also add an ignorant  Winnipeg cop who tells Wallace's friends who go looking for him that, "Canada doesn't have crime."

Really Kevin Smith? 

Canada loves a good joke. Don't get me wrong. We love comedy, just listen to some of our radio stations the moment you cross the border. And look at how many comedians we have that have crossed over! We love a good laugh, and we don't mind being made fun of.

We just want the jokes to be actually funny.

Yes, for me, the bad Canadian references took me out of the movie more than the weird ass story and creature. I have seen Human Centapide, I know what they were trying to do with Tusk. Oh look at our crazy ass creature idea! It's like Night of the Triffids but with more grotesque effects! The crazy old guy (Howard Howe) who makes our main character into Mr.Tusk has a really interesting backstory, and is well acted by Michael Parks. He comes off as completely nuts but somewhat sympathetic. His weird obsession with the Walrus makes sense when you hear how horrible his life has been, and that the only thing that ever gave him comfort was a walrus. His character is off his fucking rocker, no question! But I didn't have any sympathy for the main character Wallace. Wallace is so shallow that when he goes through the harrowing transformation, the emotional impact of it all is one sided. I didn't care about Wallace. I cared about Howard Howe. 

I really wanted to love this movie. I really did. 

There are some really awesome scenes, the effects are alright, and some strong performances from some of the cast. But the movie is almost good. I don't hate it, and when the jokes actually are good they made me laugh my ass off, but the tone was all over the place and it was very obvious Kevin Smith should stick to writing what he knows about: New Jersey.

The ending would have been so much more meaningful if the rest of the film didn't feel so disjointed.

NEEDFUL THINGS: SICK AND TILED'S HORROR DECOR

One of the cool things about being a reviewer is when you get to check out new horror movies, merch and other assorted goodies. I feel really honored when people reach out to me and ask me to review their stuff, but I don't always have the time to do everything that I get asked to review. I always make an effort though if someone is willing to send me something directly, as I consider that payment. They made an effort to give me a piece of their art, and since they took the time, so will I.

And you guys know I need more horror decor in my life. Always.

I recently got a really cool bit of merch to review from Sick and Tiled. The company makes horror tiles of all kinds. Some are quotes you can mount on the wall (I got one of these as a gift from my awesome boss at Living Dead Magazine recently, and it's super cool) and others are like coasters, which is what I got in the mail.

Since I happen to have two of their products, each a little different from the other, I am going to discuss them both. First, I will discuss the quoted tile I got as a gift. The mount on the back of the tile is secured on tightly, so there isn't a worry it will fall off with bad glue or anything like that. And tiles themselves are made of solid marble, and glazed with a shiny finish. The quoted tile is clear enough to read and doesn't look lazily printed on. It's crisp and beautiful, and you can see in this photo the quality I am speaking of:

I really like the quoted tiles, and if I could, I'd have a few more around my house. But if I am honest with you guys, the tile that impresses me the most is this beautiful coaster replica of the Hellraiser Puzzle box:

Just look at how meticulously this was made! The puzzle box designs are not easy to replicate, as any fan would tell you. It's marbled and glazed as well, protecting the amazing detail put into the re-production of one of the puzzle boxes sides. I even love that it's a little rough around the edges. It gives the coaster character. I love this piece so much. Not just because I am a Hellraiser nerd, but because of how much love and attention to detail this artist put into creating the coaster.

Do check out Sick and Tiled's awesome site and Facebook page, and look at their huge collection of tiles. Wouldn't it be cool if you could buy an entire set and cover a table in them?

Now if you excuse me, I need to drink something epic to put on top of my puzzle box coaster, like a skull goblet full of the blood of many “shaved” throats...

...Or maybe just some coffee in my Jack Skellington mug and a plate full of pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. wink

KWEENY REVIEWS...PHOBIA!

Phobia (2014)

REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS AND MADNESS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

Today I got around to watching Phobia, a film by Quiet Box Productions. I found the trailer rather intriguing, and I really do love stories about people's decent into mental illness. Prefect viewing material for the holiday season, don't you think?

*kicks a door that rattles behind her* Hey! I told you to keep it down in there Sweeney! Your singing is driving me batty! I'm trying to do a review! Demons, I tell yeah...

*coughs* What was I saying again? Right, I like movies about crazy people!

Phobia is a strange movie, with some very interesting themes and scenes. There is some stuff to it I found rather jarring or didn't like, like the whimsical sounding song choice for the beginning and end credits. It just sounded too upbeat for such a dark film with subject matter like mental illness. But maybe that's the point. Sometimes things don't make sense when your crazy. There were a few other problems I had with the film but I will get to those soon.

For the most part, I enjoyed it. The story is of a grieving man with agoraphobia who has been trapped in house for over a year, and slowly, things go from bad to worse. He's on some heavy duty medications, so it's no wonder that the guy slowly slips into hallucinations and other weirdness. Not many folks visit him either. He has his doctor come and check on him, a friend named Taylor, and a lady who is paid to bring him his groceries, Bree. Other folks that show up are just delusions in his head. At points he thinks he sees a spooky wraith of a woman (who grows spider legs out of her back at one point), a strange man with veins all over his body and his dead wife, who comes in many forms. One covered in blood with scars from her autopsy.

Needless to say our main character Johnathan, has issues.

What I was really impressed with was the camera work and acting. Johnathan, played by Michael Jefferson, is brilliant and steals the show. Of course the main focus is on him, seeing as he is trapped in his head and inside his house, but still. The guy has acting chops. He convinced me he was suffering, and I am a recovering agoraphobic. After my mother's suicide in 2002, I locked myself away for a year or so. When you are agoraphobic, you think the only safe place is inside because you can control the inside world. Johnathan captured that pretty well I'd say, but his mental illness goes beyond that. He starts seeing shit, doing weird shit, the whole bit. I loved his character, and he really makes this story work.

Some of the shots and scenes in the movie are actually really well done too. Others, seemed like they dragged too long, but still were framed beautifully. The use of shadows and lighting really made things feel confined at times and stuffy, which helped add to the atmosphere. Sadly I don't think the poster actually represents what this film is about, as there is only one scene that has anything to do with spiders in it and looks nothing like this. And some of the scenes were really slow. They could have been cut down or taken out completely and the film would be great. While I wouldn't say this film was prefect, as I found the ending a little heavy handed (not on Johnathan's part, but after...You'll see if you watch it), I do think overall it was a pretty solid film. This is the first feature film of Director Rory Abel.

Give Phobia a shot, but just remember, we all die.