Sorry for the delay in posting, but my old laptop died a tragic death and I had to wait for a replacement. Also, I will admit, Diablo 3 has swallowed my soul and between that and Troma movies, I haven't been very productive...okay, maybe I am being productive. I have done a lot of film stuff too and started Pre-Production on my short film. So I should give myself SOME credit.
I will say I finally got a chance to watch Terror Firmer. A friend came by and hooked me up with his Troma collection. I only have a few Troma movies myself, stuff I bought at conventions. I usually just watch them on Netflix. Ah Netflix...You make watching movies so much easier.
So how is Terror Firmer? Can one really do a review of a Troma movie? Terror Firmer is a movie within a movie, within a cheese danish filled with blood, feces and puke. Also, the danish is shaped like a giant nipple, that just happens to explode. I say this with the utmost affection, because Troma is more often than not like a live-action cartoon for adults. They do what they do to make a point, to give a fuck you to the film industry BS. They also try to show people you can make art, even if others dont recognize it as such, on a small budget without big studio support. Do they ever go to far? I think they have to. Someone has to be extreme left when everyone else in Hollywood isn't.
In the end, Troma does it for the love. And we the fans can see that.
I'm also reading Make Your Own Damn Movie, by Lloyd Kaufman. I'm on a Troma kick at the moment. I really like nipple shaped, gore covered danishes it seems. They are a nice escape from the sick I have been feeling too. (stupid allergies!) It's a really funny book, and even though it's entertaining as hell, it doesn't distract from actually giving solid film advice. Of course Lloyd himself would tell you to just make the movie. Don't listen to him or anyone. it's your project. You make it shine. And he's right. Still, I find his book very inspiring and helpful while I get my feet wet in the kiddie pool of filmmaking.
And in closing, here's a couple videos of my favourite character classes I play on D3. RAWR!
So it's been one hell of a few weeks. One of the major pains in my ass lately was when my computer died on me while I was in the middle of a freelance editing job. That sucked. But I got through it, finished the edits, and now I wait for my new laptop to arrive. Sadly, the blog has suffered for it, and I apologize readers. My posting has been sparse.
But I have a review for you guys from Mad Jester while I wait for my new computer to arrive. Enjoy!
~Kweeny
MAD JESTER REVIEWS: FUNNY MAN
When the Wheel of fortune spins, An ancient game of chance begins. But who could know- or guess- the rules, Adrift upon the Ship of Fools?
Hello, gentle readers. I've decided to let you in on a special treat this time; a film you may not have heard of, and if you have, it likely was not in glowing terms. Nevertheless, it stands as one of my all-time favourites. It could well fall into so-bad-it's-good territory for some, but for me it's just plain brilliant. I refer, of course, to the 1994 horror-comedy masterwork from our friends at Nomad Productions, a film near and dear to my withered black heart: Funny Man!
Our tale begins with Max Taylor (Benny Young), a young and thoroughly scummy record producer, playing in a high-stakes poker game against- among irrelevant others- Mr. Callum Chance (played by the one and only Christopher Lee), a man of no small means and no great mental stability. When Chance's luck turns on him, he puts up his million-dollar ancestral home in Northern England- a sprawling mansion with a beautiful garden, a long history... and a permanent resident with a deadly sense of humour. Once Taylor, his bitchy wife, petulant daughter and somewhat-slow-witted son move in, the game begins- a homicidal jester-demon known only as the Funny Man (Tim James) is summoned, and begins to kill off the Taylors with no small amount of glee and jocularity.
Some short time later, we get a fresh infusion of victims in the form of Max's brother Johnny (Matthew Devitt), delivering some things Max was keeping in storage, and a crew of oddball hitchhikers- Chris Walker as 'the Hard Man', George Morton as 'the Crap Puppeteer', Rhona Cameron as Thelma Fudd (think Velma from Scooby Doo, only not as bright), and Pauline Black as 'the Psychic Commando' (more on her later). They arrive late in the evening, expecting to be greeted by Max & Co., and when he fails to appear, they of course begin exploring the house. Ah, well, more grist for the mill.
While the others are content to simply traipse about looking for the Taylor clan (who are, except for Max himself, room temperature by the time they arrive), the Psychic Commando decides to call the Funny Man out, in an attempt to banish him from the house- she'd been getting "bad vibes" the entire way to the house, and wants to rid the grounds of the evil that's lurked thereat from time immemorial. She descends into Funny Man's own little pocket of the spirit world- the village of Sod's Law, population 1- and engages in the showdown she desires; it even looks, for a while, like she wins, as Sod's Law is in flames and the Funny Man retreats (with a cry of "I'll be back! Probably!"). But you just can't keep a good jester down, or an evil one for that matter, and he returns to take his revenge on the afro-sporting kook who set fire to his house while he was out having a bit of a laugh.
The appeal of this film (such as there be) lies primarily in the charm of our eponymous killer: he's equal parts Freddy Krueger and Bugs Bunny. The kills themselves aren't especially impressive (some border on the ridiculous, in particular Thelma's), but Funny Man breaks the fourth wall frequently and with great relish. He'll turn a knowing wink to the camera before tucking in to the business at hand, and drop a pithy comment when he's done. He's got a corny joke for every situation, a new costume every time you turn around, and seems to realize that his violent outbursts are as much for our amusement as his. In his own words, "You just can't whack a good bit of family entertainment!"
By no means is this film a cinematic triumph; the pacing is somewhat jerky, the audio quality isn't spectacular (which, coupled with the thick North England accents and slang, makes the dialogue hard to follow in places), some of the acting is lackluster and the cheesy synth-music dates itself hard. This is a B movie, and no mistake. But for all that, I fell in love with the title character (gee, a fellow who calls himself Mad Jester likes a character who's a mad jester? The mind boggles!), the kills are campy good fun, and the subplot (if you follow it, which can be hard) is a good one- a brother betrayed, a dead dream resurrected, and a career posthumously celebrated. It's a perfect Bad Movie Night selection, even if you don't have a thing for murderous psychopaths in jester's motley.
One thing is certain: by the end of the film, everyone's received their jest desserts. (Yeah, I'm sorry for that one. I'll show myself out.)
Things have been a bit crazy lately. But mostly in the most awesome of ways. Not only did I acquire a signed copy of a Troma comic, I finally made the decision to get into making indie films of my own. So the irony of being given a signed Troma comic book seems like serendipity...
Squeee! Thanks Merlin! Gonna frame this puppy!
Inspiration sparked rather suddenly a few days ago, when I saw this video:
And I said out loud for once for all to see, "Kinda inspires me to try and make a movie..."
Now, I've said it before, but only half heartedly. Never really seriously. And mostly just to myself. This time, people jumped on it, and said, "Yes, yes you should!" and I actually let the idea sit inside me instead of pushing it away as fantasy.
It may seem on the outside like a "snap" decision. Like I just took this up on a whim suddenly. And I'm sure for some film makers, it's exactly like that. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Some of the best shit ever created was done on a whim. But for me, this was more like a revelation. Like finally realizing what you've always wanted to do but never let yourself believe.
I've spent my whole life being a storyteller in one form or another. I am obsessed with telling stories. I have been since I was a wee thing and would put on performances in my grandmother's living room, hamming it up and telling everyone fantastic yarns. It's where I shine the brightest. It's what makes me the happiest. So I have been trying to find just the prefect medium to tell my tales with. I grew up a music lover, but realized after I trained for years to be an opera singer and got rejected from the Conservatory of Music in Toronto, that the stage was not for me. I wrote plays in high school, but hated being on stage. I was okay with minor rolls, but I never liked lead rolls. Avoided them like the plague. But I LOVED writing scripts. I loved directing and doing back stage work. Loved helping to create the tale from behind the scenes more than being a character in it. And I've done short story and novel writing. None of my novels to date have been published, but I have credits as a short story writer, horror journalist and editor. I do love writing novels and short pieces, don't get me wrong. I probably will always come back to it too. But I remember the day in college (I studied Professional Writing, and got to taste all flavors of storyteller) when I got to study Film and Script writing. I had a BLAST. I wrote a feature horror film, totally in the vein of Troma films, and loved it. I slaved over the thing like I was possessed. I was deeply in love and didn't know it.
And if you have been reading this blog for a while, then you know I have a love for film. A deep love, even when I am tearing a film apart. My favourite films swing between really deep, horrific pieces like May, Ginger Snaps, or Martyrs to Troma-B-Movie shlock like Troll 2, Critters, Cannibal: The Musical!, etc.
Of course there is my Horror musical obsession, but I digress...
I just could not let myself ever consider the idea of even trying to be a film maker. I wasn't ready to dare. Wasn't safe enough in my personal life. I didn't have the connections or support I do now to truly venture into this friggen scary world. But I am ready now.
And most of all, it makes me feel hungry again.
My husband yesterday said to me that once I decided to "finally make a movie" things made more sense to him. Things I have done without thinking about it. Like how I write, why I write. The movies I love. The people I admire. The obsessions I have. He said, "You're stories are written from a 3rd person, non-omniscient point of view. As if they were being told through the lens of a camera." I think I've secretly in my heart of hearts wanted to be a filmmaker. I just...never let myself believe it.
So, with the help of a rag-tag group of fellow dreamers who believe in me, I'm going to start my very own first short indie horror film! For fun! For a lark! Because I dare and fucking can! Because it might actually turn out good, or maybe it will be hilariously horrible! Either way, I want to try!
Okay, I've been trying to contain myself. Trying to keep the excitement coming out in small bursts like on my Fan Page on Facebook, but I can't keep it in anymore. I'm afraid I'll get horribly disappointed, but so far, all the ads and all the hype is so fucking awesome I can't help but wanna squee with excitement. Can you blame a fangirl like me for giving in?
If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's of course PROMETHEUS, which I mentioned briefly here on the blog way back in the New Year when I saw the first ad. My heart skipped a beat upon seeing that, hoping for my beloved Alien franchise to be given new life. Then I steadily got a stream of information on the film. Found out Ridley Scott was working on it, with all the H.R. Giger inspired set pieces I adore. Then more awesome ads trickled in, getting me all stoked like a crack addict for her next fix. This one is by far my favourite of the bunch, other than the one I saw in 3D while watching The Avengers:
This year is shaping up to be the YEAR OF MOVIE GEEKDOM. Every so often we get them, as if the movie gods hear our prayers and take pity upon us mere fans. With movies like The Avengers, Cabin In The Woods, The Dark Knight Rises, Spiderman, GI Joe (maybe), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,Dark Shadows and so on, this is shaping up to be a good time for geeky movie lovers. I can even ignore the stupid Battleship movie Mr. Nut-licker Bay is putting out, because I have plenty to distract me. But even with the awesome that was Cabin In The Woods, and the great time I had watching Avengers, AND with Dark Shadows, The Knight Rises (I'm a huge batman fan if you didn't know), and even the GI Joe movie, WITH ALL THIS AWESOME Kweeny has still set her heart on one movie to out-geek them all. Prometheus is my one ring baby. It's my holy grail. No other movie this year has made me this excited.
It probably goes back to what a huge Alien fangirl I am. I own the box set of Alien movies. I am a BIG H.R. Giger geek. Want proof?
This is my Alien box set. It's super shiny. So shiny, it produces rainbows!
My H.R Giger art book. The only thing that could make this better, is if I meet the man and he signs it for me.
Yeah, just a little bit of a fan. I also have some Predator stuff lying around, but to be honest, I always found the Aliens more interesting. They didn't have Arnold Schwarzenegger mind you, but they had a better story for sure. H.R. Giger just knows how to shape interesting, horrific monsters. Monsters with sexual overtones and terrible jaws. The man is tortured, thus his art reflects it. The best artists I find are the tortured ones.
I'm sure this explains a little more why I am stoked for Prometheus. Why it will be movie of the year for me, unless for some reason my geek sense is wrong and it is just over-hyped shite. But I doubt it. So I'm counting down the days, and you better believe it I am going IMAX 3D on opening night to see this puppy! Bear has already been instructed to get tickets in advance!
In the meantime, I got other movies to distract me, and an Alien movie marathon in my future.
So, on my last day of the blogathon, I thought I'd bring you something near and dear to my heart. Some movies just hold special places. So I thought I'd talk about a little movie called Critters, and why I love the little buggers.
Critters came out in 1986. I was about 5 then, and wouldn't actually see the movie until I was about 9 or 10. If you've never seen Critters, the premise is simple: These aliens from space that look like giant fuzzy turd pellets with huge teeth land in this small town and eat ALL THE THINGS. That really does sum up the whole movie. It doesn't promise you anything but that. It's so bad it's hilarious, and I love the stupid little monsters. Not because of anything they themselves did mind you. Sure, they are entertaining to watch, and it's not like they didn't contribute to my love of their madness. The thing I love best is that they remind me of a very wonderful memory with my mother while she was alive.
It's just a simple memory. I'm just brushing her hair while we are laughing and watching Critters. She's sober. This sadly is a big deal, because she was a drug addict. We are for once just content to be together. To enjoy this silly movie, and each others company. She leans over to me and says softly, "This is nice. Thank you."
It doesn't sound like a momentous event. But to me, it meant everything.
I'm a horror fan probably because of memories like this one. The good times I had with my mother when she was alive, we were watching horror movies. This matters to me. I relate horror to happiness on some level, even if the horror I watch isn't exactly a "light-hearted" time. When I watch Critters it makes me STUPIDLY happy. They are silly, nasty little things and I remember my mother having a good time with me, and that's enough for me. I want to always remember that.
Sadly, my mother was not a happy person most of the time. So when she had a small moment of pleasure, it was important. When I mention briefly I had a rough upbringing, it's because she wasn't well. Mentally or physically. She killed herself in 2002, and so when I watch Critters, it gives me a solace I can't explain. It reminds me of the moments I had where my mother was laughing. Genuinely laughing. I feel like Critters time-capsuled it for me. Those stupid, furry beasts are my link to a woman I wish I saw more often. I cherish them, and the moment, and I will forever love them.
Monsters are very personal for me. I love them, I have a blast with them, and they touch me in multiple ways.
PS: I've watched the series of Critters flicks, because they are Ridiculously AWESOME! Though they tend to have the same premise. Critters visit new places and eat things. The nasty little fuzz monsters made like 4 of these movies. I'm not the only one who couldn't get enough.
So the other night I was up into the wee hours of the morning, and decided to update the blog a little. I added a new banner, changed the layout, and I'm wondering if I should do some more. Either way, I like how things look. I needed a bit of a change. Change is always good.
Speaking of changes, monsters are notorious for transformation. Not all monsters have a transformation scene, but I will confess, my favourite monsters tend to. We all go through changes in our lives, some of us drastic ones, and they can leave one feeling monstrous at times. Death in the family, moving to a new city, (in my case country), getting married, having children. Some changes are more brutal. Murder, madness, sickness. But some changes are subtle and harder to spot. Horror gives us an outlet for the things we fear. And we can fear change sometimes. We fear our lives being ripped apart from us, being out of our control. We fear loosing ourselves to our darkness.
So I thought it would be wicked if I collected a few of my favourite monster transformation scenes and showed you guys. Because I LOVE a good transformation. Movies can give a solid form to concepts that are complex and frightening.
Let me BLOW your freaken mind dudes with my...
TOP 3 EPIC TRASFORMATION SEQUENCES!
Let's get this party started with John Carpenter's THE THING. And I'm talking the original, not the recent remake that's made with too much CGI. UGH. I love this movie so much. Watch this clip, and tell me that's not one nasty transformation scene! This is one of many the film contains.
Next is the slow, terrible transformation of Seth Brundle. It's deviously captivating in Cronenberg's movie THE FLY. One mistake in an experiment can cost your humanity. The creature he becomes is pretty hideous, just check out the ad. I actually prefer this to the original movie, because of how utterly horrible it all is.
This movie is AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON and it has what I think is quite possibly the best werewolf transformation scenes ever. I'm serious. What's wonderful about it is it's all done in one take, no CGI BS, and is slow and gruesomely painful to watch. I know there are other great werewolf transformation scenes out there -I love my werewolves-, but this one is the top tier for me. Your mileage may vary. (Sadly I couldn't get one without music to post. But I do think the song choice for this is fantastic.)
I know there are plenty more good scenes out there. But I think these three really take the cake. Perhaps you'd like to share a few with me in the comments? I always love hearing from readers. Also, tell me what you think of the new look!
Is brought to you by Kraken spiced rum, corn, green food and Trolls called Goblins. Are you ready? Because Kweeny and Mad Jester are at it again!
And of course, the warning: May contain spoilers, blah blah blah. Don't eat the green stuff! Or you might turn into a houseplant!
Epic bad movie is EPIC.
Kweeny Todd: WOW...Can I never watch that again?
Mad Jester: laughs Of course. Let's get the review over with, so we can forget it ever happened.
KT: I think I might need some booze to truly forget this. pops open a bottle of Kraken and starts chugging
MJ: I'm planning on deleting it from my hard drive, running CCleaner, and sprinkling salt on the lid. smiles
KT: Don't forget to use warding symbols to banish it back to the pits of hell it crawled out of!
MJ: "Be thou gone from this place, in the names of Whedon, King and Romero! By Gaiman's eye I abjure thee!"
KT: You know, I think the majority of my drinking is done after we watch these films. strokes chin Every review we've done so far for this segment has us drinking ourselves stupid.
MJ: Alcohol is the blessed redeemer, washing away our cinematic shame with the healing haze of inebriation.
KT: It is true. Very, very true. So...wanna tell the readers which abomination in film we watched this time?
MJ: Oh, dearlings, we've truly stuck our faces in a beartrap this time. We put ourselves, for your delectation, through a viewing of Troll 2, a movie that makes a serious claim on the title "Worst Film in History". I swear, every second feels like the 1980s are doing horrible criminal acts in your eyeholes.
KT: Trust me readers, this movie and The Stuff are proof that people in the 80's would eat anything.
MJ: It was the decade that gave us Coke II and Brach's Rocks candy.
KT: And that you don't need to know anything to make a movie. Like how to act, write, direct, make costumes, pretty much all the shit they teach you in film school. shivers Coke II...
MJ: Or indeed, to know the language in which you're writing a screenplay! This is true facts- Claudio Fragasso (writer/director/meth-head) wrote the script with only a rudimentary knowlege of the English language, and forbade the actors from ad-libbing or changing the dialog in any way. The net result is that the dialog sounds like it was run through Babelfish a few times.
KT: nods Which leads to some hilarious dialog like...
Holly: Elliott! What kind of idiotic joke is this? You scared the shit out of me! Elliott: I'm the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman. Holly: [Punches Elliott in the groin] Release your instincts in the bathroom. Elliott: Are you nuts? You tryin' to turn me into a homo? Holly: Wouldn't be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you.
MJ: Oh yes. Groin injuries are the leading cause of Teh Ghey, didn't you know?
KT: What if you don't have "little nuts"?
MJ: I would assume more forceful measures are required for maximum gayifying, like a slapshot or a wind-back punt.
KT: cackles By the way, I seriously hate the actress who plays Holly. She is probably the worst next to the whiny fucking kid. Seems like there are only two kinds of acting in this film. Over-acting and under-acting. You can only pick one.
MJ: Oh sweet Xenu, yes. Holly comes off as desperately trying to convince herself of her own prettiness, and her brother Joshua's so whiny he makes dogs ears bleed. And their MOTHER. Ye gods, the woman is a robot that runs on denial and the crushed dreams of her children! With a backup power supply generated by the audience's fearful shuddering... at the eyes. THE EYES.
KT: I know! laughs She's pretty much telling Joshua through the film that he's a dumb nutjob who should be committed. I mean in the first scene she walks in on the kid talking to his dead gramps and DOESN'T notice the chair is moving on it's own! She just scolds him and tells him he's imagining things.
MJ: "Grandpa Seth lives on in our hearts. But you must drive him from your mind. BECAUSE EMOTIONS ARE ILLOGICAL. ALL ORGANICS SHALL BECOME ONE WITH THE COLLECTIVE."
KT: And Grandpa Seth can do a lot of things. He can use axes, teach the kid arson, stop time; but he can't walk through walls and can't figure out how a house is laid out. As Bear said, "Phenomenal cosmic powers. Retarded fucking ghost."
Grandpa's Trollface.
MJ: Aptly put, especially considering that he can't count, either. In one scene, Seth freezes the family in place for 'thirty seconds'. I timed it- thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Joshua spends walking slowly around the table before he even TRIES to come up with a plan, but it's all good, because Seth's thirty seconds lasts for another forty seconds.
KT: But at least this movie tries to stick to something of a plot. Hard Rock Zombies just has a bunch of plots thrown together. It's like the writer of that movie said, "I want all the stupid shit in the world in one movie. We will make up the plot and change it as we go!" Troll 2 tries to stick to the plot of "Evil vegetarian goblin/trolls wanna turn people into green stuff and eat them." It's a stupid plot, but a consistently stupid one.
MJ: 'Consistently stupid' is a beautiful descriptor, amigo. Let's talk about the "main villain", Ms. Creedence Leonore Gielgud, of Ancient Druid Origins.
KT: Oh my LORDS. That bitch was QUEEN of the over-actors. She was friggen weird. I suppose the writer/director/madman decided on the druid angle because witches were done to death? Or maybe I should stop trying to make this movie make sense.
MJ: I would- the director did about a third of the way in. But yeah, the way she was constantly leering, and rolling her eyes, and flashing her fucked-up teeth- I think somebody forgot to tell her that this wasn't a low-budget porno parody of The Wizard of Oz.
KT: Apparently druids don't clean their teeth. Even though it's the 80's, and I am sure they have toothpaste. 80's Druids have all that magic, eat veggie-people, and cant brush their fucking teeth.
MJ: Nor do druids believe in acting lessons, by all appearances. She says her 'ancestors were from Stonehenge', which I assume means 'born amid the rocks and left on the hillside to die'. Would certainly explain why she thinks a raw ear of corn is sexy.
KT: slow clap Dude, that corn scene...
MJ: Or maybe it's the green frosting that makes it erotic. I don't know, my brain doesn't speak Fragasso.
KT: I dont think anyone's does. Did you think Aqua Teen Hunger Force when you saw that scene too?
I think Crazy Druid Bitch is as hilariously stupid as Dr.Weird.
MJ: A solid case can be made, methinks. Her evil plans are just about as menacing, and their speech patterns are remakably similar. "Gentllemen, BEHOLD... I have a LADY-FRIEND! Her teeth... are HIDEOUS! HAAAAA ha ha ha ha ha HAA!"
KT: Brent: [gasping for air after being covered with popcorn] No more... no more popcorn!
MJ: Brent, Brent, Brent- I dunno. If I'm in a camper at night, and some lady in lingerie knocks on the camper door with a raw cob of corn... y'know what? I'm not home. I don't care how much she says she wants me, there's no good that comes from a half-naked stranger in the woods with raw vegetables.
KT: Well you know, Elliot is boyfriend of the year. He has friends and DAMN HIM he wants to hang out with them. Even if they are twatwaffles like Brent.
MJ: Oh yes. Cackling pubescent ninnies, the lot of 'em- and duped into accompanying Elliott on his quest for the somewhat-attractive-in-the-right-light Holly, with promises of "beautiful, liberated, desperate girls". In the middle of Whistlefart, East Nowhere Nilbog. A town that boasts a population of 26.
KT: I love that scene when Joshua looks in the rear view mirror and pieces it together.Yes, you whiny little turdstick! You're in GOBLIN country! Only took you half the movie to figure it out!
GENIUS.
MJ: Which STILL makes him the smartest character in the movie. Which is a bit like 'smoothest seat in the outhouse'.
KT: Exactly. If I was to pick the scariest and best actor of the whole lot, it has to be that Drugstore guy with the straw hat. That guy... he was genuinely creepy. But I hear they found him fresh from the mental ward, so he wasn't acting! Dude had real issues during the filming of Troll 2.
MJ: This is also true! He was on leave from a stay at a mental hospital- he said that, watching it afterward, he knew he wasn't acting. Which just goes to show you how big a difference there is between 'honestly disturbed' and 'fundamentally incompetent'. The one decent performance in this entire owl-pellet, and it's from a man suffering from poor mental health. Nobody else has any excuse; they just out and out huff ass.
KT: nods But in the end the power of good -not good acting- saves the day. Grandpa Seth for the millionth time comes back to help Joshua (And give him abandonment issues) and they ward off evil together. Wait only the power of Good can defeat the Evil? Quick Joshua, run to the store and get a bottle of Good, it's our only hope!
MJ: Oh, was that Good? I thought it was rancid milk. Fortunately, Joshua whips out the Bologna Sandwich of Ultimate Power (+3 vs. Shitty Rubber Masks), which holds the goblins off until the rest of the family arrives to contribute some lackluster alpha waves to the process. "Concentrate! Everybody! Concentrate... on not being a houseplant, or a puddle of Jell-O!"
KT: Crazy Druid Bitch: Aaahhh! Think about the cholesterol! Think about... THE TOXINS...!
MJ: Yes, because ten-year-olds are total calorie-counters, and concerned with nitrates. "My salvation has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R..."
KT: I can see why it has a cult following though. Troll 2 is so horrible it's hilarious! I don't want to watch it again anytime soon mind you. takes a swig from the Kraken bottle I think it's time to drink away the pain and wrap this up. Any last words for the readers MJ?
Quality makeup effects!
MJ: Well, there's a few. Let's see... don't trust yokels offering green yogurt pie? Tiny podunk towns aren't great places to score? Choose your friends well, and your girlfriend better? Lunch meat repels goblins? Okay, that one sounds crazy, even for me. Now pass me dat bottle.
KT: hands Mad Jester the mostly drunk bottle of rum Good advice my friend! And thank you once again my readers for continuing to stop by Kweeny Todd! We watch this crap so you don't have to. But if you do choose to, don't say we didn't warn ya. Some monsters are well...just stupid.
MJ: drains the bottle And some make you feel stupid for even giving them your attention. Thanks for reading!
To continue the subject of the week, I decided to find some of the best Monster-Loven Rockers out there that embody the creepy, the ghoulish, the wonderfully terrible that is the creature of Monster. I'm sure you all have bands or songs you love for certain moods, and when I feel particuarly monstrous I have some music to fit the mood. Here is a collection of some of my favourite Monster songs that get me in the mood for a transformation scene.
Let's pretend I am having a MONSTER MUSIC CONCERT. The concept alone makes me giddy. I'd have to choose wisely, and make sure all the monster types were supported by music. If I I was going to have a concert of the damned for all my monster fiends out there, this would be the playbill:
I think we would open this show with a punch to the face. This is Arch Enemy singing "We Will Rise", and pretty much anything this woman sings sounds like demons are flying out her mouth. I LOVE HER. She's wild and untamed. She will help bring the spirit of demons to our show.
I can't have a list about monsters without OTEP. What kind of fangirl would I be? I chose this song "Ghostflowers" because of the imagery she uses in it. Give it a listen. I think you'll agree she understands monsters. She struggles with her inner ghosts, and this song proves it.
Let's bring it down a touch and add a little Disturbed to the mix. The song "Animal" is pretty much the song of the werewolf. It's primal and dark and torturous. I love it. Makes me want to rip off my human skin and go hunting.
Marilyn Manson has to be there. The dude is creepy personified. I love his "I don't give a fuck, I do what I want!" attitude and he can pretty much sing anything and make it unnerving. So for this concert, let's have him sing "The Beautiful People" because he does all this growly shit with his voice. I think this song is prefect for those unnameable creatures.
And to slow things down a bit more and add a more vampiric edge to our concert, we will have the old school gothic rock of Bauhaus as they sing "Bela Lugosi's Dead." The classics never die, and Dracula would be pleased with Bela's performance.
Next to grace the stage would be Rob Zombie singing "Super Beast." Why Super Beast? Why not "Living Dead Girl" or any number of songs this man sings about the dead? Because he IS a zombie, so let's have him sing a song about the hunger that comes over him. And we gotta have a Zombie in our concert. No better rocker Zombie out there in my opinion.
And we'd finish the concert with Alice Cooper singing "Feeding my Frankenstein." He's the granddaddy of shock rock. King of Monsters in my eyes. I've seen him 4 times in concert. He never, ever fails to entertain.
This is but a sampling of what I would have at a Monster Music concert. A gal could dream right? I could be at this all day, making a monster music playlist, but then I'd get nothing done. So I'll leave you these few humble offerings and hope they inspire a transformation in you. Go hunt my fellow monsters! Hunt down your inner bad ass.
PS: Thanks for all the awesome comments on my tattoo. It really meant a lot to me. <3
I'm sure you've heard me talk about my tattoo's before, but I haven't really posted pictures of any of them here. No intentionally anyhow. And since it is May Monster Madness, I thought I'd share the first monster tattoo I ever got. My tattoo of the Furies.
I got this tattoo in 2008. I got an inheritance from my grandfather, and since I was supposed to do something nice for myself with it, I got this. It's based off of artwork done by the artist Boris Vallejo. This is the original picture I asked the artist to use to inspire my Furies:
Bitchen am I right? But there is a deeper reason why I chose these particular creatures, and why I had to have them look like this, and not what they traditionally looked like in Greek mythology. Before I get into why I needed to put these monstrous women on my arm, let me explain a little what the Furies are. In case you might not be up on your Greek myths.
A picture of my Furies after I just got them. 10 hours of pain in total. Ah Yeah!
The Furies (also known as the Erinyes) were creatures of the underworld. They were creatures of vengeance personified. They were always women, or at least mostly women, and they sometimes even worked against the gods themselves. The power they held was specific but potent. A formulaic oath in the Iliad invokes them as "those who beneath the earth punish whosoever has sworn a false oath" They basically punish all those who swear false oaths, but specifically they get angry about matricide and patricide. The word Erinyes actually translates to "The Avengers". If you break your word, or kill your parents, expect them to come knocking on your door. Sometimes with dog heads. Sometimes with serpents in their hair. Sometimes dripping blood from their eyes. Sometimes with bat wings...
There are many Furies, but three made themselves prominent in the mythology that was written. These three are the ones I put on my arm, and these three have the most meaning for me. They are Alecto (Unceasing Anger, also known as the "Unnamable One"), Megaera (Grudging, The Jealous One), Tisiphone (Vengeful Destruction). Their names, and meanings of their names alone should give you a hint at the terror they caused. They were not kind, gentle beings, even though they were sometimes referred to as "The Kindly Ones". People called them that in the same as how people called the Fae kindly, as an appeasement. They feared their wrath and thought to name them pretty things to placate them, or avoid their notice.
As you can see, I love the stories of the Furies. I have researched them for years, and wish I could find more on their cults. In ancient Greece there were plenty of cults. Sadly there has been no reconstruction of said cults by Greek re-constructionists. Probably because now a days, The Furies are not as sexy as some of the other gods, like Aphrodite. Though have you seen that bitch Aphrodite mad? That's not a pretty sight I can assure you.
So the question remains:
WHY WOULD I TATTOO SUCH CRAZY NASTY GODDESSES ON MY ARM?
Well...
To make a long story short: I have some heavy trauma in my past that has given me rage issues. I used to have terrible rage issues. Now I can contain it to the occasional rant and other more healthy methods. I don't stick my fist through people's faces anymore. You wouldn't think to look at me, this short, Rubenesque creature, would have the ability to do such things. But trust me, I have quite the fiery wrath. I'm kinda like one of those Critter creatures when pissed off. Or like a Gremlin...Don't feed me after midnight. I was a Fury myself in the old days, causing havoc, living dangerously and recklessly. I didn't have much respect for myself, let alone anyone else. Studying the Furies, and later tattooing them on my arm has lead me to find more self control, more peace with myself. I am intense. I am fiery. I am infernal when enraged. I know these things about myself. I also know it's my responsibility to find healthy ways to cope with it. I don't have the right to inflict myself on others. I will ride the beast of my anger. Not it ride me.
I'm also better at not giving a fuck about the stupid, petty shit. I've learned to have more of a sense of humor about the world, and all the fuckwads that annoy me.
I also know there is a time and a place the Furies are needed. Sometimes people NEED to be put in their place. Sometimes someone SHOULD speak out when people are being turdmuffins. This is the reason why when I found the Boris painting of them, I had to have a rendition of it specifically on my arm. I didn't need it to look exactly like the Greek Myths, because I wanted to show the power, beauty, and strength the Furies have taught me in my life. That having rage is not wrong, not abnormal, and people need to honor their Furies within them. Ignoring it, bottling it, any number of unhealthy things is not going to make it go away. If you are mad, you have a right to your anger. You also have a responsibility to find ways to deal with it that are constructive instead of destructive.
So there you have it. The story of my monstrous beauties. I'm just embracing the Fury within.
(PS: Images like the animated one there make me stupidly happy when I'm mad. It's part of my therapy.)
Ah another awesome blog event! I love these things. They give me a reason to obsessively post, and in this case, I will be posting for 7 days on one of my favourite topics of all time: MONSTERS. Thank you to our lovely hostesses: Annie Walls, Little Gothic Horrors and WickED, forty blogs will be breaking out the good china for their Monster Mash!
mon·ster [mon-ster] noun 1. a legendary animal combining features of animal and humanform or having the forms of various animals in combination, as a centaur, griffin, or sphinx.
2. any creature so ugly or monstrous as to frighten people.
3. any animal or human grotesquely deviating from the normal in shape, behavior, or character.
4. a person who excites horror by wickedness, cruelty, etc.
5. any animal or thing huge in size.
For those of you new to my blog, welcome to the Gory Kingdom! I'm Kweeny Todd, a monster in my own right, as well as a fiendish lover of monsters of all kinds. Feel free to look through the blog. I got tons of posts on the subject of monsters, as they are a passion of mine. I got some monstrous stuff in store for this week so stay tuned.
In the meantime, I will try to get over this stupid cold I got yesterday that's making me feel like a snot monster. UGH.
