MMM: This Episode of Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes...

Is brought to you by Kraken spiced rum, corn, green food and Trolls called Goblins. Are you ready? Because Kweeny and Mad Jester are at it again!

And of course, the warning: May contain spoilers, blah blah blah. Don't eat the green stuff! Or you might turn into a houseplant!

Epic bad movie is EPIC.

Kweeny Todd: WOW...Can I never watch that again?

Mad Jester: laughs Of course. Let's get the review over with, so we can forget it ever happened.

KT: I think I might need some booze to truly forget this. pops open a bottle of Kraken and starts chugging

MJ: I'm planning on deleting it from my hard drive, running CCleaner, and sprinkling salt on the lid. smiles

KT: Don't forget to use warding symbols to banish it back to the pits of hell it crawled out of!

MJ: "Be thou gone from this place, in the names of Whedon, King and Romero! By Gaiman's eye I abjure thee!"

KT: You know, I think the majority of my drinking is done after we watch these films. strokes chin Every review we've done so far for this segment has us drinking ourselves stupid.

MJ: Alcohol is the blessed redeemer, washing away our cinematic shame with the healing haze of inebriation.

KT: It is true. Very, very true. So...wanna tell the readers which abomination in film we watched this time?

MJ: Oh, dearlings, we've truly stuck our faces in a beartrap this time. We put ourselves, for your delectation, through a viewing of Troll 2, a movie that makes a serious claim on the title "Worst Film in History". I swear, every second feels like the 1980s are doing horrible criminal acts in your eyeholes.

KT: Trust me readers, this movie and The Stuff are proof that people in the 80's would eat anything.

MJ: It was the decade that gave us Coke II and Brach's Rocks candy.

KT: And that you don't need to know anything to make a movie. Like how to act, write, direct, make costumes, pretty much all the shit they teach you in film school. shivers Coke II...

MJ: Or indeed, to know the language in which you're writing a screenplay! This is true facts- Claudio Fragasso (writer/director/meth-head) wrote the script with only a rudimentary knowlege of the English language, and forbade the actors from ad-libbing or changing the dialog in any way. The net result is that the dialog sounds like it was run through Babelfish a few times.

KT: nods Which leads to some hilarious dialog like...

Holly: Elliott! What kind of idiotic joke is this? You scared the shit out of me!
Elliott: I'm the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman.
Holly: [Punches Elliott in the groin] Release your instincts in the bathroom.
Elliott: Are you nuts? You tryin' to turn me into a homo?
Holly: Wouldn't be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can't stand you.

MJ: Oh yes. Groin injuries are the leading cause of Teh Ghey, didn't you know?

KT: What if you don't have "little nuts"?

MJ: I would assume more forceful measures are required for maximum gayifying, like a slapshot or a wind-back punt.

KT: cackles By the way, I seriously hate the actress who plays Holly. She is probably the worst next to the whiny fucking kid. Seems like there are only two kinds of acting in this film. Over-acting and under-acting. You can only pick one.

MJ: Oh sweet Xenu, yes. Holly comes off as desperately trying to convince herself of her own prettiness, and her brother Joshua's so whiny he makes dogs ears bleed. And their MOTHER. Ye gods, the woman is a robot that runs on denial and the crushed dreams of her children! With a backup power supply generated by the audience's fearful shuddering... at the eyes. THE EYES.

KT: I know! laughs She's pretty much telling Joshua through the film that he's a dumb nutjob who should be committed. I mean in the first scene she walks in on the kid talking to his dead gramps and DOESN'T notice the chair is moving on it's own! She just scolds him and tells him he's imagining things.

MJ: "Grandpa Seth lives on in our hearts. But you must drive him from your mind. BECAUSE EMOTIONS ARE ILLOGICAL. ALL ORGANICS SHALL BECOME ONE WITH THE COLLECTIVE."

KT: And Grandpa Seth can do a lot of things. He can use axes, teach the kid arson, stop time; but he can't walk through walls and can't figure out how a house is laid out. As Bear said, "Phenomenal cosmic powers. Retarded fucking ghost."

Grandpa's Trollface.

MJ: Aptly put, especially considering that he can't count, either. In one scene, Seth freezes the family in place for 'thirty seconds'. I timed it- thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Joshua spends walking slowly around the table before he even TRIES to come up with a plan, but it's all good, because Seth's thirty seconds lasts for another forty seconds.

KT: But at least this movie tries to stick to something of a plot. Hard Rock Zombies just has a bunch of plots thrown together. It's like the writer of that movie said, "I want all the stupid shit in the world in one movie. We will make up the plot and change it as we go!" Troll 2 tries to stick to the plot of "Evil vegetarian goblin/trolls wanna turn people into green stuff and eat them." It's a stupid plot, but a consistently stupid one.

MJ: 'Consistently stupid' is a beautiful descriptor, amigo. Let's talk about the "main villain", Ms. Creedence Leonore Gielgud, of Ancient Druid Origins.

KT: Oh my LORDS. That bitch was QUEEN of the over-actors. She was friggen weird. I suppose the writer/director/madman decided on the druid angle because witches were done to death? Or maybe I should stop trying to make this movie make sense.

MJ: I would- the director did about a third of the way in. But yeah, the way she was constantly leering, and rolling her eyes, and flashing her fucked-up teeth- I think somebody forgot to tell her that this wasn't a low-budget porno parody of The Wizard of Oz.

KT: Apparently druids don't clean their teeth. Even though it's the 80's, and I am sure they have toothpaste. 80's Druids have all that magic, eat veggie-people, and cant brush their fucking teeth.

MJ: Nor do druids believe in acting lessons, by all appearances. She says her 'ancestors were from Stonehenge', which I assume means 'born amid the rocks and left on the hillside to die'. Would certainly explain why she thinks a raw ear of corn is sexy.

KT: slow clap Dude, that corn scene...

MJ: Or maybe it's the green frosting that makes it erotic. I don't know, my brain doesn't speak Fragasso.

KT: I dont think anyone's does. Did you think Aqua Teen Hunger Force when you saw that scene too?  I think Crazy Druid Bitch is as hilariously stupid as Dr.Weird.

MJ: A solid case can be made, methinks. Her evil plans are just about as menacing, and their speech patterns are remakably similar. "Gentllemen, BEHOLD... I have a LADY-FRIEND! Her teeth... are HIDEOUS! HAAAAA ha ha ha ha ha HAA!"

KT: Brent: [gasping for air after being covered with popcorn] No more... no more popcorn!

MJ: Brent, Brent, Brent- I dunno. If I'm in a camper at night, and some lady in lingerie knocks on the camper door with a raw cob of corn... y'know what? I'm not home. I don't care how much she says she wants me, there's no good that comes from a half-naked stranger in the woods with raw vegetables.

KT: Well you know, Elliot is boyfriend of the year. He has friends and DAMN HIM he wants to hang out with them. Even if they are twatwaffles like Brent.

MJ: Oh yes. Cackling pubescent ninnies, the lot of 'em- and duped into accompanying Elliott on his quest for the somewhat-attractive-in-the-right-light Holly, with promises of "beautiful, liberated, desperate girls". In the middle of Whistlefart, East Nowhere Nilbog. A town that boasts a population of 26.

KT: I love that scene when Joshua looks in the rear view mirror and pieces it together.Yes, you whiny little turdstick! You're in GOBLIN country! Only took you half the movie to figure it out!

GENIUS.

MJ: Which STILL makes him the smartest character in the movie. Which is a bit like 'smoothest seat in the outhouse'.

KT: Exactly. If I was to pick the scariest and best actor of the whole lot, it has to be that Drugstore guy with the straw hat. That guy... he was genuinely creepy. But I hear they found him fresh from the mental ward, so he wasn't acting! Dude had real issues during the filming of Troll 2.

MJ: This is also true! He was on leave from a stay at a mental hospital- he said that, watching it afterward, he knew he wasn't acting. Which just goes to show you how big a difference there is between 'honestly disturbed' and 'fundamentally incompetent'. The one decent performance in this entire owl-pellet, and it's from a man suffering from poor mental health. Nobody else has any excuse; they just out and out huff ass.

KT: nods But in the end the power of good -not good acting- saves the day. Grandpa Seth for the millionth time comes back to help Joshua (And give him abandonment issues) and they ward off evil together. Wait only the power of Good can defeat the Evil? Quick Joshua, run to the store and get a bottle of Good, it's our only hope!

MJ: Oh, was that Good? I thought it was rancid milk. Fortunately, Joshua whips out the Bologna Sandwich of Ultimate Power (+3 vs. Shitty Rubber Masks), which holds the goblins off until the rest of the family arrives to contribute some lackluster alpha waves to the process. "Concentrate! Everybody! Concentrate... on not being a houseplant, or a puddle of Jell-O!"

KT: Crazy Druid Bitch: Aaahhh! Think about the cholesterol! Think about... THE TOXINS...!

MJ: Yes, because ten-year-olds are total calorie-counters, and concerned with nitrates. "My salvation has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R..."

KT: I can see why it has a cult following though. Troll 2 is so horrible it's hilarious! I don't want to watch it again anytime soon mind you. takes a swig from the Kraken bottle I think it's time to drink away the pain and wrap this up. Any last words for the readers MJ?

Quality makeup effects!

MJ: Well, there's a few. Let's see... don't trust yokels offering green yogurt pie? Tiny podunk towns aren't great places to score? Choose your friends well, and your girlfriend better? Lunch meat repels goblins? Okay, that one sounds crazy, even for me. Now pass me dat bottle.

KT: hands Mad Jester the mostly drunk bottle of rum Good advice my friend! And thank you once again my readers for continuing to stop by Kweeny Todd! We watch this crap so you don't have to. But if you do choose to, don't say we didn't warn ya. Some monsters are well...just stupid.

MJ: drains the bottle And some make you feel stupid for even giving them your attention. Thanks for reading!