Genre Talk: Genre Lines and Storytelling

So my Bear took me out on a little date tonight. We went to the movies and watched Underworld: Awakening. We figured it was in the cheap theaters and I hadn't seen it yet, so why not? I watched this movie while eating a box of nachos, cuddling my Bear and thought to myself, "Damn, this movie is as cheesy as my nacho cheese dip! And just as shiny! It's seriously Velveeta cheese with Kate Beckinsale's ass on the side!"

Look TWO guns! 

Not to say it's wrong to love Velveeta cheese. I'm sure the nacho cheese I enjoyed was about the same quality. Cheese is yummy. But Underworld: Awakening, like most of the series so far, isn't a horror series. It's campy, it's fun, it's full of a sexy vamp fighting werewolves, vampires and humans, but it's not horror. And I admit it, I went purely to see Kate Beckinsale in PVC blasting shit to pieces. Underworld is one of the few series out there where the women is doing the saving. I love that about it.

Be ready for many pictures of Kate with guns. Why? Because  that's mostly what she does in the movie.

However...

One of the things I hate is how people market certain things as horror just because they have horror movie tropes in them. It happens all the time. I see it on book covers, movies and comics. Just because something has a monster in it, doesn't make it instantly horror. And while horror is where these tropes come from, they have the right to evolve into other genres.

Noticing a trend here?

I wrote a post about the differences between horror and dark fiction already, so I won't beat a dead horse here. And I'm not trying to be elitist (okay maybe I am a little...), but I do think genres should be respected. I don't think you should just slap titles on shit lazily like the entertainment industry does. It gives people the wrong impression of what they are getting into. Yes, Underworld has vampires, werewolves and violence.  But it's an action flick. It really is. All there is to the entire story is watching Kate Beckinsale kick ass and take names. And sure, it was highly entertaining to watch. But it wasn't scary, wasn't horrific and hell, it wasn't even made to feel like it belonged in the horror genre.

Aw, she lost her other gun. Poor thing...

Another thing that the movie failed in was storytelling. It took a premise that could have been interesting, hell, HAS been done before and much better, and it half-assed it. Having humans find out about supernaturals is a cool premise. One movie that it reminded me of was Daybreakers, which did it from a different angle but did it well. It was just as gory, just as action packed, but it was horror. It stayed within the realm of horror because it made the premise something disturbing. In Daybreakers, vampires rule humans. They didn't cheap out on this, or use it solely as a reason to have their main character kill ALL THE THINGS. They explored it some, and showed us the terrible implications of a world populated by vampires.

These vamps from Daybreakers are much creeper than the lycans in Underworld. Believe me.

Underworld: Awakening could have been something more. Of course, I didn't expect it to be anything other than what it was. The franchise has never dared to be anything other then action-packed fluff. I would like to see another movie do the premise of humans finding out about supernaturals, and then ruling over the supernatural world. It's a cool concept that could be very horrific if done right. At the very least, I got all the nacho-pvc-clad ass I could possibly want. So it wasn't a complete waste of time. *wink*

This scene alone was worth seeing. Yum. Naked Kate. The only picture I could find of her NOT holding a gun.

Canadian Content...With Guttberballs!

MAD JESTER REVIEWS: GUTTERBALLS

Greetings, gore-crows! Mad Jester here, with another movie review! Did you miss me? Tough noogies, here I am anyway.

This time, I'm being a patriotic psychopath, and taking a look at an offering from the Land of Bacon, Home of the Wild Timbit, Place of Good Beer- yes, it's a Canadian Content review from yours madly! This time I'm reviewing a movie that starts out slowly- and weakly- and builds to a thoroughly-entertaining climax. A real 7-10 split of a movie, with a bumper-crop of nice kills pinned on. It won't be up everyone's alley, but hardly worth striking from one's viewing list. (See what I did there, awkwardly?) So join me, won't you, in my review of 2008's horror-comedy Gutterballs, starring Alastaire Gamble, Candice Lewald and Nathan Witte and Wax-O-Matic?

 Our story begins in the 1980s, with two groups of youngsters- one team comprised of Jamie (Witte), Lisa (Lewand), Dave, Ben, Cindy, Sarah and pre-op transsexual Sam, the other team composed of The Douche Squad- Steve (Gamble), Joey, AJ, and the almost-not-a-douche Patrick- as they meet after hours at the Xcalibur bowling alley in Surrey, British Columbia. The Collar-Poppin' Daddies begin harassing and assaulting Sam, and when Jamie and Co. step in to put a stop to it, the janitor (Egerton, the guy who let them in to play in the first place) steps in and turns the lot of them out for roughhousing, saying they can come back for their bowling tournament the next night. As they prepare to leave, Lisa realizes she forgot her purse inside, and when she goes back in to get it, she's brutally gang-raped by Steve, AJ and Joey (Patrick abstaining, but watching in horror as it happens) in a scene that last ENTIRELY too long for my own comfort. Patrick refuses to participate and, when Steve grabs a bowling pin and prepares to do nasty things with it, Patrick tells him he's going too far... which prompts Steve to hand the pin to Patrick and brow-beat him into doing the shocking deed himself. (He even says 'I'm Sorry' right before, such a good boy he is. Yecchh.) The gang (douchenozzle and otherwise) shows up the next night for their rematch, only to find themselves locked in with a masked killer- who knows what happened the previous night, and seeks to wreak a bloody retribution...

           

I found this movie to be truly entertaining, although there were a number of serious issues. For example, the acting; nobody turned in anything that could be called a stellar performance, although Steve, AJ and Joey are thoroughly convincing in their roles as collar-popped, pastel-sporting, brew-swilling assbags. There's also the dialoge itself- I swear, there are more instances of the word 'fuck' in this movie than in the last three porno movies I've watched combined. (And I watch some FILTHY porn, y'all.) Also, the movie is less-than-sensitive in how Sam the transsexual is portrayed- she comes off as more a campy stereotype than an actualized person, but then, the same is true of every other character in the film, with the possible exception of Sarah.  Then there's the rape scene itself; rather than a nice, tasteful, implied rape, director Ryan Nicholson treats us to about fifteen minutes of graphic, violent sexual assault, the perpetrators laughing like hyenas the whole time. It felt rather like an excessive, heavyhanded method of killing pathos for Steve & Co. Perhaps the goal was to drive home how horrific an experience Lisa underwent, but it made me intensely uncomfortable. (I prefer my brutal assaults to be free of psychosexual contamination, thank you.)

Now, don't get the impression that I don't like this movie. There are some real selling points, too- for instance, the deaths are pretty gooey and intense, and while the effects were done on an obvious budget, they're pretty damned good despite it. The killer's costume/mask is pretty corny (pretty much a bowling ball bag with eyeholes cut out), but that actually works for it- nobody runs away when they see a dude with a bowling ball bag on his head, so when he whips out a sharpened pin, it takes the victim as a complete surprise. Which brings us to the best, funniest character in the movie- Wax-O-Matic, the wisecracking, sadistic ball-polishing machine! You have to listen carefully, because sometimes Waxy's lines are hard to hear, but that damn machine's easily got the funniest lines in the movie. (After AJ's face gets polished off, Wax-O-Matic quips about how fruity he looks in his pink shirt.) And at the end of it all, there are some twists that actually took me by surprise- not an easy task, Mr. Genre-Savvy that I am. The killer is NOT easily identified, and with good reason. To say any more would spoil some great surprises, so I'll let you find out for yourself.

 All in all, Gutterballs is a bit of a grab-bag- there's a lot to like about it, but you have to slog through some truly painful acting and characterization before you get to the good stuff. If you've got the balls for it (a har har har), though, and you don't mind some graphic, nonconsentual sex with your murder, then here you'll find an interesting little film.

 Just don't believe the hype about Canadians being nice. Mess with us and we'll fuck you in the eye with a sharpened bowling pin. 

Needful Things: Animals For The Gory Kingdom

So I'm contemplating getting some kind of critter I can care for. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I haven't had a pet in many years, and the last thing I owned were rodents. Even then, I was allergic to them. I have an allergy to all things with fur, especially cats. You may remember my rant about the topic, if not let me direct you to it and summarize it in one phrase: KATS ARE EBIL, and I HATE being allergic to pretty much EVERY-FUCKING-THING.

*inhales* So with that said, I need to be particular about any sort of pet I do own. I have to be very choosy, not that being such is a bad thing. I think taking the time to carefully consider a pet is important. You gotta take care of the thing, and if you are not ready, you could hurt and or kill the poor bugger. It's a responsibility, like having a kid. 

 So here is a list of pets I have considered worthy of joining the dysfunctional family here at Kweeny's Gory Kingdom:

Creepy cat is CREEPY!

Now, despite the fact I know cats are inherently evil and will dominate us with their mind powers some day, I  have found a breed of cat I adore. These creepy-ass monstrosities are called Sphinx's and I friggen love them. I love them for a couple reasons. 1) They are known to be hypo-allergic, with only the faintest peach-fuzz for hair, and are bred for people like me who are allergic to the world. 2) It's fucking UGLY. I find it charming because it looks like a little monster cat. It's just completely WEIRD looking, and somehow carries this aura of WRONG about it. A walking testament that humanity likes to fuck with nature and make it hideous and frightening. Like nature needs help with that one!

Come on Kweeny, take me home, I DARE YA!

The only thing I can think of that would suck about these critters is that they are high maintenance. And I don't want a cat that is a child. I don't want any pet that needs me too much and can't be independent. To some degree all animals will need you, but these things are worse than normal cats. And they will be cold all the time, so they will always wanna cuddle you. I hate needy people! I've dumped many a partner for that shit. (of both genders even, as needy people come in all shapes, genders and sizes!)

Convenient travel-size pet!

Next on my list of potential pets, is these little guys. Yay furry Tarantula! I just love spiders, and find these things fascinating and cute. Yes, I think it's cute. It's a vulnerable, small critter that fits in the palm of your hand! And like me, it's gotten a bad rap just because it's a little different. Despite what movies make you believe, these kinds of spiders can't kill you with a bite. Sure, it hurts and irritates you (And if you have an allergy you might have problems), but they are safe to have as pets. I don't really mind either the whole feeding live bait thing that some folks complain about. I'd find it intriguing to watch it eat it's prey. Of course, even if I didn't, I could always go the route some folks do by giving it frozen crickets and shit. I think that's wimping out really, and part of the fun of having a pet like this is observing it's behavior.

(I was a tarantula God-mother once. True story! I encouraged a friend to get one for spiritual reasons...)

Yay tentacles!

Another really cool pet idea is an Octopus. A friend of mine told me I could get one, and it made me squee like a school girl! I just love these critters! With their many legs, their inking, their "expressions" that seem continuously annoyed at the universe. I don't know why I think they look annoyed at everything, but that's how I see them, and I think it's awesome. I love their colors too, and how they move through water. There is something mysterious to me about them, and well, they remind me of a certain elder god.

I cant imagine why...

But I don't know much about how much they cost, how to get one, how to care for one, etc. The idea is just a nice one. It's also not a pet I can pick up in any way, so it would just be something I watched in it's tank do it's business everyday. It's still a cool idea for a pet.

Love me I'm adorable!

And lastly on my list of potential pets is a Snake. I LOVE SNAKES! They are beautiful, graceful, colorful creatures that slither about with independent spirits. I like that about them. They are easy to maintain too, and don't need to be fed everyday. They like live bait, and I'm okay with that, and depending on the type of snake will depend on how cave-like you need to make their environment. Since I like the dark too, we will get along just fine. 

Me several years ago, bonding with my friends snake "Leo".

I've actually had a chance to handle snakes before, and I had a great time. They cuddle in their own way, and really like warm bodies. There is something special about a snake touching you. I can't put my finger on it. It's a little mystical for me, very personal and powerful. It's kind of like the connection a witch might have with a familiar. I feel a kinship with a snake, and since I can't own a Wolf or a Raven (which are my all time favourite animals) I think a snake is a safer and legal route to petdom. 

And those are my pet ideas! Animals I can own that won't make me sick and that are pretty neat! What you guys think? 

It's Spring...Honest It Is!

*looks outside at the wet-slush-snow crap still lingering on the ground*

If you have been following me on Twitter, then you know what weird weather conditions poor Oregon is going through. And I mean WEIRD. Sometimes life is just strange all on it's own. It doesn't need help from anyone. Those moments, the random weird ones, are the best ones to me. I get the most creative during those times. Probably because things are so chaotic. I seem to thrive in those conditions.

But despite what the cracked weather is telling me, Spring is actually coming. I figure if I send out horrific vibes that scare Spring out of it's hole, maybe things will right themselves. So I joined in a few blog events coming in April to get in the spirit.

I love blog events. :)

First up is Sharon's event at Ghost Hunting Theories:

Where I will use all the powers of dorkness and drag out some horror love...

Then there is Jenny Krueger's event over at Memoirs Of A Scream Queen:

So I can celebrate Friday the 13th JASON STYLEZ! 

Hurray! Blog Events! More reasons to blog! Not that I can't find reasons on my own. My husband and I had this conversation the other night:


Hubby: You know you're a very strange individual sometimes.
Me: Only sometimes?
Hubby: Only sometimes.
Me: What am I all the other times?
Hubby: Incredibly strange. 

Being strange means I can find reasons for just about anything I do. Even if other people and strange weather inspire my reasons! *wink*

In Kweeny's Gory Kingdom...SNOW!

Story time!

So, around roughly 5am, my girlfriend pokes me online and says, "Kweeny! It's friggen snowing!" I threw on my hat, leather jacket, boots and gloves and ran outside to play, bringing my hubby along for the ride. The first snow I have seen since Canada. And I have to admit, I miss the snow. Just a tiny bit.

(Why was I awake at 5am? My husband was playing Mass Effect 2. SUCH A GOOD GAME!)

And it was REAL snow. Not just light flurries. It was that wet packing snow that's prefect for snowballs! So of course, me and my crew thought of a brilliant idea...

LET'S BUILD A SNOWMAN!

We had a blast out there. Made us this hideous beautiful Curmudgeon of a snowman I lovingly refer to as "Uncle Soggy".

Some of us were a little more attached to Uncle Soggy than others. I think because us girls like snow too much. But we added mushroom eyes (it is Oregon after all) and a carrot nose.

Of course, after our creation was made the first thing that popped into my mind was this:

"Let's build a snowman, we can make him our best friend. We can name him Bob, or we can name him BEOWULF!" 

Now it's stuck in your head too. You're welcome! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: It's actually a big deal to get snow like this up here, especially in March! So most people here have no idea how to handle it. To me, it's not even worthy of calling a snowstorm. But natives are kinda freaking out about it. 

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Genre Talk: Horror and Dr. Who?

I know. I have been a terrible horror fan. I've been on a Dr.Who kick, and thus, haven't been watching as many horror films. I'm trying to catch up with my friends who are hardcore Whovians. This new guy Matt Smith is still not winning me over like David Tenant did. David was just my favourite Doctor to date. But I'm trying to love it anyhow. The show is still great even without Tenant. I love Amy Pond as his new companion. Her hubby isn't too bad either, especially after he became "The Centurion" but anyhow...

Damn it, you're just not DAVID

So I thought to myself: "Self, if you don't do more horror stuff, you won't have anything to blog about!" Then it hit me.

Dr. Who may not be all about horror, but there is definitely enough horrific material to write a post about! It's full of monsters and creepy shit! Dr. Who loves to play with such natural fears in the most unnatural ways. Here, let me show you...

Kweeny's Favourite Dr.Who Monsters

Ah the weeping angels. These statues are creepy as fuck. When you first see them, they are just regular angels you'd see hanging around a church or something. But have you ever looked at one and thought, "Man, that thing is kinda unnerving. Good thing it can't hurt me."

What if it could. What if every time you blinked, they'd move in closer. But if you looked directly at them, they'd stop moving. Dealing with these guys is like having a staring contest where the prize is your life. And no, having them catch you is not a good idea. They'll devour you given the chance. That face above will be the last thing you see.

Another creepy ass critter is these guys. They are known as the Silence. They are like the thing you see in the corner of your eye, but you swear you didn't see anything. Then you look again, and it's in your face, hissing at you in this creepy voice. Telling you it has always been there, waiting, controlling humanity. You never remember them when you see them, as they have this mind control that wipes your memory. But you know you've seen something...

These mini Cuthuloid boogeymen are known as the OOD. They look creepy as fuck, but normally they are servants and harmless. The thing about these boogies is that despite their appearance, they are gentle creatures. They speak with a ball that glows when they wish to talk, and they are soft spoken. When their eyes go red though, something is terribly wrong, and you might wanna get out of their way. But mostly they are kindly and just want to take care of people. Their existence is to serve. Not much to look at though, unless you're a weirdo like me. I'd totally cuddle it.

These metal meatheads are known as Cybermen. These are old school monsters that came from older Dr.Who episodes. They've been brought back in the new series and given a bit of an upgrade. The story with these guys is they are humans forced into robot bodies and turned into slaves. YAY FUN! Metal bodies for everyone! Or as they are called in the show they were made into "Humans 2.0". Machine meets man folks, and all your cyborg dreams can come true. Only problem is, it's not YOUR cyborg dreams. But the overlord knows best right? Kinda a scary concept if you ask me. To be ruled by an overlord who forces you to give up your flesh. *shiver*

This creature is known as "The Empty Child" or to some of my friends "Gas Mask Kid". And he's not the only one of his kind. Basically, an outbreak of some sort turns people into the above. A gas masked empty being wandering around asking, "Are you my mummy?" The outbreak was caused by something called "nanogens" that reshape people into the first thing they found: The kid they first infected. The spooky part for me is how zombie-like they are. They don't rot or try to eat people, but they do change you and empty you out. That to me, qualifies as zombie.

And of course, we have the Dalaks! Can't make a proper list without these guys when talking about Dr.Who.. Dalaks don't look like much, but when they first appeared in the old Dr. Who show, they didn't have the effects budget they do now. So they made things with whatever they had lying around. The spectacular thing about the Dalaks is they are really fucking scary! Don't be fooled by their appearance. That's a big theme I find in the show. Appearances can be deceiving. 

These bastards are one of the Doctor's major enemies. They are an alien race that wiped out the Doctors race called the Time Lords. They want to take over the universe. Anyone not a Dalak is inferior and needs to be exterminated...

If the Doctor is afraid of them, you know they are bad news.

And that's my list! I know that it doesn't cover ALL the monsters of Dr.Who, but I would be here all night if I did. There's like fifty or so years of material to work with! But trust me, Dr.Who is all about the monsters! When the Doctor travels with his companions, it's all about discovering new worlds and new creatures! And a lot of the time, the creatures they find are the stuff made from nightmares. I love when other genres cross into horror, especially when they do it well.

And now I go off and EXTERMINATE a slice of pizza!

I R WINNAR

So in the wee hours of the morning, when I am at my most zombified, I like to check on my blogger friends and see what they are up to. I'll wander into random blogs, post something if I can be coherent enough, and leave. This time I shambled into my favourite Random Girl's blog and see what she was up to.

To my surprise, there was an award just sitting there all pretty for me! That's what you get for being random at the Random Girl! LOL!

So here is my shinny...

Because you just know I love them shambling hordes! Especially when they are as sexy as Miss THANG over here:

Oh yeah. Work that tongue honey. Mmm Hmm...

And now I go and have the sleep of the dead...I hope! *beats insomnia with a bat and flops into bed*