Day 16: Genre Talk: Putting The Cheese In Horror

We all do it. Hell, even people who don't like horror do it. We all have watched a bad movie. And I'm not talking the kind of bad movies that make fun of themselves. Like Dead and Breakfast or Cannibal the Musical. These movies are done purposely bad for a lark. They are fun because they aren't taking themselves seriously and there is merit to the humor they bring. No...I'm talking about the REALLY bad movies. The ones that tried to take themselves seriously and were just awful. Like Night Crawler, or the first Leprechaun. If you've seen these I bet your trying to not vomit in your mouth right now. You know why they are terrible. If not, you've spared yourself the indignity of wasting time on such drivel.

Finger Licking Good!

Some of us have a sickness, an "illness" if you will, that causes us to seek out such films and subject ourselves to them. I guess it's a kind of masochism. No need for a sexy PVC clad dominatrix when all you need to do is pop in Nude for Satan. Feast your eyes on hours of pointless nudity and gore and hope by morning you forget the whole experience ever happened.

I admit it, I am one of these fools. I have the illness. I suppose my reasons are the following: They are my "escape" time. My no-brainer entertainment. Some people watch The Hills. I watch bad horror movies. They also remind me of my childhood, when I stayed up with horror hosts and they played the worst B movie shite ever squatted out on film. Maybe it's also the fact it gives me something to put my critic hat on. I love bitching about a terrible movie I've just seen, especially to like-minded folks. They make great conversation starters for those that love horror. You can screen someone really well by telling them you saw Manos: The Hands of Fate or Hellraiser: Hellworld by choice. Sometimes I honestly watch a film to see if it can get any worse, or if it will actually get better. It's like watching a car accident. You hope that the person trapped inside might get lucky and the car will tip over so they can crawl out, or you hope it wont explode while the driver is still stuck inside. You really hope for better. But if it gets worse...you just cant turn away. Maybe so someone witnessed it at least. So it wasn't a complete waste.

There are several reasons why a film is complete ass-crackers. The plot might have been written by a drunk chimp who thinks he's a prolific writer. I hate this shit. Or the pacing tried to cram so much garbage into 90 mins of screen time that you don't know what the hell is going on. Or maybe the movie had bad editing. I've seen movies where they literally cut to the next scene in the middle of a guy still talking! How about when the acting is so bad you want to run sandpaper on the actors face to see if he can have a real fear reaction now! The list of movie screw ups are endless.

Remember Battlefield Earth? If not, you're lucky. This piece of fart stink was based off what I've been told is a good novel. Sadly, I've never had the desire to read the novel thanks to seeing this movie. These crappy movies just keep getting made. No one ever learns! As a reviewer it's our job to sit through these mind-melting-zombie-spittle movies and hope, pray that we are not wasting our time. You eventually develop a thick skin about it. A numbness to it, and a sort of sick joy. Because you know later, you can tear the crap to pieces! It's the only solace we get in the end. The only way to hopefully inspire people to make better stuff.

I have seen a lot of movies. More than I'd like to admit. Some good, others terrible. I can't help but think movie makers make more bad movies within the horror genre than any other genre. Is it because horror is easy to cut ones teeth on in filmmaking? Or is it because horror fans expect bad horror over good horror? Perhaps we should demand more good movies to be made in our genre, so we don't have to wade through so much crap all the time! I don't mind the occasional bad horror movie. It will always be at least more entertaining than anything made by MTV, and it will make me appreciate the funny-bad movies, or really good movies. You need something to compare I suppose. Sometimes I can find nuggets of WTF within a bad movie that makes it all worthwhile. Like this weird little cat ghoulie from the movie Ghoulies:

Seriously look at his eyes! WTF man! He's like a cracked-out little turd with fur! I can't stop laughing when I watch Ghoulies! It's fucking TERRIBLE! (Also more proof that cats are EVIL)

Whatever the reason, bad movies are a part of any genre. Especially horror. And I will tell you, one of my Halloween Traditions is to watch a few before the month of October is out. I got one real doozy I'm gonna review later, and I'll have a guest reviewer to help me! Stay tuned for that.

In the meantime, I need me some brain bleach.