This Episode of Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes...

Is brought to you by the holiday season! It's time for another wacky joint review with Kweeny and Mad Jester, whether you care or not...

And of course, the warning: May contain spoilers, blah blah blah. Santa's Slay is coming to town! My new favourite holiday treat!

Kweeny Todd:  sings It's the most horrible time of the year!

Mad Jester: Well, I've got my festive red-and-green straight jacket on...

KT: Oh just look at you! Decking the padded halls with balls of...holly?

MJ: Something green and fragrant, anyway. Let's leave it at that.

KT: snickers...That's right readers! It's that time again, for Mad Jester and Kweeny Todd's review of terrible movies! Maybe we should give this segment a name...

MJ: How about "Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes"? We end up saying that a fair bit.

KT: cackles I love it. Let it be known hence forth as the "Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes" segment! A new tradition on Kweeny Todd! *breaks a bottle of champagne over Mad Jester's head to christen the column*

MJ: It ain't a party 'til there's an open head wound, I always say!

KT: Damn right! picks glass from MJ's head If this is your first time joining us for this madness, the deal is this: Mad Jester and I find some crazy cheesy shlock and give our "opinions" on what we subjected on ourselves for your reading enjoyment. This time, I told Jester we should watch Santa's Slay. So this madness is totally all my fault.

MJ: Ahh, Santa's Slay. While it's certainly B-movie fare, it's not as bad as some other holiday offerings. Which just means you're gonna have to try harder if you want to get me back for Hard Rock Zombies. Sticks out tongue at Kweeny

KT: Indeed. But for now you get off easy, while I plan for my next assault on your senses. I can at least be proud that all my talk of Nude for Satan made you go out and watch it. HA!

MJ: winces Oh yeah. I think I'd mercifully blocked out that celluloid hate-crime. But that's not the assault we're here to discuss- we're here to talk about Bill Goldberg setting Fran Drescher's head on fire and drowning her in eggnog.

KT: YES! The opening of Santa's Slay was hilarious! Totally set the tone for the rest of the movie. I love a movie that knows what it wants to be for the audience.

MJ: Absolutely. From the moment we see His Right Jollyness, we know we're in for a collection of hilarious kills and groan-worthy puns. The film holds no illusions and gives no fucks.

KT: Exactly. And I loved it for it. It doesn't pull punches, doesn't try to be a good movie. It just has a "hell" of a good time decking the halls with flaming Santa breath!

MJ: Hee hee, the fire breath! The evil atavistic goblin-creature in my head fell in love with the image of Santa Claus burning down a strip club. It did... strange things to the cold gray chunk of granite I have for a heart.

KT: Oh man, that scene was priceless. When Nordic-Demon-Santa walks into the strip club and says, "Ho ho hoes!" grabs a stripper and kisses her, I laughed my face off! I also loved that part where he wipes down the stripper pole she was dancing on and then uses it to kill some guy! Total WINSAUCE.

MJ: laughs Oh yes! "I'll gladly shovel reindeer shit, but I'm not touching that cooch-slide until it's been sanitized!"

KT: So funny! But I have to say, my favourite parts were the tellings of the "True Story of Santa." The ridiculous factor lit up outer space like a glowing helldeer nose! Yes folks, I said helldeer...even though it was totally a yak or something...

MJ: Ahh, the Book of Klaus. And lo, the archangel challenged Santa to a game of curling, and verily didst the Son of the Beast go down like the 2008 Maple Leafs. And yeah, the Helldeer looked like a spraypainted buffalo to me.

KT: The Book of Klaus...What do you expect from a movie half funded by Alberta? That's right this movie is Canadian! And Canadians can't celebrate Christmas without curling!
And that whole part about Santa being born from Satan and the virgin Erika...wtf was that?

MJ: laughs Satan knows who all the party-girls are! He doesn't need to mack on some girl who doesn't know any better!

KT: chuckles True enough! The whole Book of Klaus just proves my point that Santa is evil. And somehow Norse...did you see his Sleigh?

MJ: Yeah, looks like a longboat on skids. AND he's got a big ol' hammer, too- appropriate, since Goldberg as Santa kinda looks like a middle-aged, leather-daddy Thor. grin


KT: I KNOW! And to be honest, I friggen loved it. His Santa costume was the most burly Santa outfit I've seen in a while. The whole Norse look was awesome even if it didn't make much sense.

MJ: Agreed. It is a pretty good look for him- muy macho. If the Santa at the mall looked like that when I was three, I never would have cussed him out the way I did.

KT: I loved his voice too, all growly, like he was choking down a candy cane or something. Maybe it was all the Christmas Cheer he was forced to endure for years thanks to the bet.

MJ: Centuries upon centuries of choking back "FUCK you, and FUCK your Betsy Wetsy doll!"

KT: And all the crappy letters kids sent him..."Please send me a mini bake oven!" Seriously, the Archangel's grand kid Nicholas was a tool. A CUTE GIRL LIKES YOU DOOD! TOTALLY TAP THAT!

MJ: What a weenie! Not for wanting a Mini Bake- sometimes you just want a tiny, mediocre cake. But yeah- spends the whole movie whining and being clumsily sarcastic, and ducking every single signal that Mary throws him. "Jeez, Mary, I'd like to make out with you, but I'm still being (w)angsty about my job, or your gun-nut dad, or something. It's not really clear."

KT: She even tells him off at one point, "Do I have to initiate everything in this relationship?"

MJ: Bloody knobstick wouldn't even put his hands on her boobs to help her squeeze through a window to escape Santa, until she forced him to! You kinda want Santa to catch him, shake him by the neck and say "SHE WANTS YOU, DIPSHIT!"

KT: Word! Most useless character in the whole film.
So I got a question for you...what's your favourite quote of the whole movie? Mine is, "Why I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide FEAR!" Santa has the most hilarious lines!

MJ: As is only proper, when your villain is the most likeable character in your movie.
I have to say, my favourite line is when Santa's about to run over Nicholas and Mary with a Zamboni, and Nicholas shines a flashlight in Santa's eyes- Santa responds with "I'm Santa Claus, not fucking Dracula!"

KT: HAHAHA! That one was priceless! I agree, Santa is the most likeable character. He's a snappy dresser, hilariously evil, and doesn't give a fuck about anything but killing stupid people! It warmed the very dankest parts of my heart, and for a moment, I felt less grinchy about all the festive crap we are forced to endure during the holidays.

MJ: And in the end, isn't that the greatest gift of all? Apart from a solid-gold SeaDoo, that is.

KT: It is. It really, really is. I think we beat this dead helldeer to a pulp. Let's break out the festive booze! Don't forget to leave some spiked Egg Nog for Satan Claws!

MJ: Hey, if he's willing to not rip my head off while I'm sleeping, he's welcome to it. After this outing, I'm not fucking with the fat man.

KT: Heh, that's probably wise my friend. Thanks for helping me review this film, and thanks to my readers for continuing to encourage our madness! Stay tuned for future reviews from us. After all, someone has to endure these films so you don't have to! Happy Yule!

MJ: Seasoned Greenthings!