Mad Jester Reviews...

HOSTEL 3

Hello again, gentle readers! It's your old, odd pal, Mad Jester! I'll be filling in for Kweeny, as she's off on an all-expenses paid cruise of Hell, courtesy of Cenobite Travel Inc. She has such sights to see (and it's bloody hard to type while dangling from hooks and chains), so I figured I'd step up to the proverbial plate- and that means it's time for another Mad Jester movie review! Are you excited? Tough titty, I'm doing it anyway...

This time, we're going to go in a far less intellectual direction than some of my previous film choices- by no means plot-free, but certainly not as cerebral as, say, Dead Girl or Funny Games. No indeed, this time we're diving into one of the more gory-for-its-own-sake entries in the genre. So strap on your crash helmets, grab your gore-mops and prepare yourself for my take on the third installment of a well-known and much-maligned franchise, Hostel: Part III!

 Our story begins as our protagonist (and survivor-dude) Carter is whisked away by his friends Douchey Scott, Justin with the Gimpy Leg, and Racist Mike (nicknames provided by Yours Truly) to fabulous Las Vegas for an epic, weekend-long bachelor party before he marries college sweetheart Amy. A party during which they meet Kendra and Nikki, two working girls (if ya know what I mean). Racist Mike hooks up with Nikki, while Carter the Boy Scout decides to politely decline Kendra's prepaid advances. Carter (predictably) has too much to drink, passes out, and wakes up... in his own hotel room, courtesy of a misleadingly-sinister-looking cabbie. However, Carter and Scott soon realize that Racist Mike never got in last night, and after a bit of investigation learn that Nikki didn't either. Carter, Justin, Scott and Kendra resolve to go find them, at which point it begins being a Hostel movie for real-real.

 This movie brings a few new twists to the Hostel table, such as expanding on the services offered by the Elite Hunting Club- in addition to being able to pay to kill a human being, other wealthy members can pay to watch the proceedings and bet on any aspect thereof- which implement will be used, how long it takes the victim to die, what precise words will be used when the victim begs for his/her life, et cetera. Apart from that, it doesn't stray too far from its gorny roots, although it does deliver a few plot twists that make it- in my opinion- better than its immediate predecessor. The acting is adequate at best, however- Douchey Scott and Racist Mike in particular are played a bit hamfistedly, presumably in an attempt to kill any potential pathos. (It works, so mission accomplished, I suppose.) A couple of the kills are less impressive than some logged by the franchise, and subsequently seem somewhat lackluster in comparison, but are still sufficiently cringe-worthy to bring the squick. A word of warning to entomophobes- you may not want to watch Nikki's death. I know I could've done without seeing that- but then, horror movies are supposed to make one uncomfortable, so again, job well done.

There are no major lessons to be gleaned from this film (except, perhaps, "when in Vegas, avoid off-the-strip clubs"), there's no real moral relativity or dissonance, and it doesn't leave the viewer with anything to ponder; that said, it's engaging, at least, and entertaining to those who enjoy a bit of torture-porn now and again.

 Would I recommend Hostel: Part III? Depends who's asking. Horror-dilettantes should probably give it a wide berth, as it definitely doesn't make a case for the 'not all horror is torture-porn' argument, and likely hasn't got enough plot to keep one interested. However, if you've got a real taste for the red red kroovy, and/or are already a fan of the first two Hostel outings (as does/is your humble reviewer), you'll probably get some mileage out of this one. At the very least, all the right people are made to achieve room temperature.

We Won 2nd place!

We won second place in the Victory Records RBN Contest! All I have to say is...

FLAWLESS VICTORY!

This is the highlight of my week for sure. *Super-happy-monster-smile-face!*

Submitted For The Approval Of The Midnight Society...

Here it is folks, the as promised Rockband music video my friends and I made for the...

Our song of choice: OTEP - SMASH THE CONTROL MACHINE:

OTEP is one of my top favourite artists ever. Her music is powerful, visceral, and searing. Her music is like walking into a burning building and letting the fire burn the layers away to reveal the real you.

We had a great time filming this, and my buddy gCrusher only had a short time to make this. He spent a week on it filming, editing and did most of the work. I just screamed like a Fury and rocked out. Dorktastic!

Even if we don't win, we had fun, and honored an amazing singer. What could be better than that?

*kicks screen* SMASH THE CONTROL MACHINE!

I love you OTEP. You've done more for me than you'll ever know.

This Blackout Was Brought To You By...

https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/

http://sopastrike.com/strike

http://vimeo.com/35193889

Kweeny Got Tagged!

When the zombie apocalypse comes, we better all learn to run fast, or we are all gonna be it. Braaaaiiiinnnnnzzzz....Anywhoooo, so I got tagged, and in the spirit of the game I shall spread this like the T-virus!

The Rules:

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 3 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you have tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about "you are tagged if you are reading this." Blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 3 people!

11 random things! Don't you freaks already know too much about me? *sigh* If I divulge all my secrets then what will I have to ramble about when it's a slow day? Okay, here's more useless facts about moi:

1. I identify as Genderqueer. Have been this way all my life, even before I knew there was a word for it. Always have been more manly than girly, more womanly than macho. I'm somewhere in the middle of the gender rainbow, and I am okay with this. Sometimes I like to be feminine. Sometimes I am butch. Sometimes I am a guy trapped in a woman's body. I gives me an interesting outlook on the world.

2. If I was a supernatural I'd probably be a werewolf.

3. I love books. Like A LOT. I have several shelves of books. And I prefer physical books over ebooks, but I won't ever turn down an ebook. No book is banished from my realm. I want more books...

4. My top shelf in the red bookcase is filled with signed books. All of them. And I got some favs in there like Clive Barker and Neil Gaiman.

5. I have worn glasses since before I can remember. I believe I got them roughly around 2-5 years old. I was REALLY young when I got my first pair. My eye sight has been horrible my whole life.

6. Some of my favourite smells are lavender, roses, chocolate, dead leaves and the sea. 

7.  My favourite foods are steak, sushi, chocolate and my husband.

8. One of my favourite nicknames was "Queens" in college. Though now I have a friend who calls me his "Liege" and I really like that too.

9. Is one hell of a Karaoke singer. I studied music in high school and was planning to be an opera singer, until I had my dream dashed by some rich, snobby brats at the Conservatory of music in Toronto. Just because I couldn't play 12 instruments like them! I gave up music for a long time, but I can still sing okay. Being a non-smoker sure helps save the voice.

10. I am such a fan of this site: http://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/! It rekindles an old dream I had of being a Mortician. I just don't know if I could take all the schooling, and I'd rather hang with the dead than talk to the living.

11. I just finished a Rockband music video this weekend for one of my favourite bands ever: OTEP. We did Smash the Control Machine for a Rockband contest, and my friend is in the process of editing it now. Once it's ready for viewing, I'll show you guys for sure. Here's a pic from the shoot:

And now for Annie Walls questions!

1. What is the hardest thing you've ever had to do?

Hmmm, that is a hard one. I think the hardest thing would be going to the funeral of my mother. She had committed suicide when I was 21. There was a lot of drama around her death and funeral. It's not something one gets over easy, and I can tell you that I still remember how she smelt in that casket. They had done a poor job embalming her and I am forever scarred by how bloated she looked, how bad her make up was, and how she had this sickly sweet aroma about her. There have been some severely traumatic times in my life, but this one is definitely the hardest of them all.

2. What song always makes you happy when you hear it?

This one:   

I dunno why it makes me happy lately. It just does.

3. What are three things you cannot live without?

Love (Yes, I am a sap. STFU noob!), chocolate and my spirituality.  And if those don't work, swords. Because swords never need reloading.

*strokes chin while plotting* Now I gotta come up with some questions to torment my three victims I mean, blog friends with! I choose:

http://autumnforestghosthunter.blogspot.com/

http://www.itsonrandom.com

http://littlegothichorrors.blogspot.com/

To answer me these questions three:

1. What is the worst dream you ever had?

2. If you could be a victim in any horror film, which one would it be and why?

3. What is your favorite food and/or drink?

*dusts hands off* There all done! And now back to your regularly scheduled procrastination! 

Wicked Weapons: The Krueger Claw

I know I've been scarce with my posting lately. Sorry gang, but life has been really rough in the gory kingdom. I'm gonna try and get back into the swing of things, and I thought I'd do that by catching up with some of my other columns I left hanging while doing my Creepmas stuff.

And since I recently just watched an amazing 4 hour documentary on Freddy Krueger called, Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy I said to myself, "Kweeny, you gotta do the Freddy Claw for Wicked Weapons! And you really need to stop talking to yourself out loud. It makes your housemates worry."

(And in case you are wondering, here's a quick and dirty review: YES IT IS AWESOME! It goes through the entire series, including Freddy vs Jason but not counting the remake because the documentary came out before the remake. THANK THE MAKER! The remake is TERRIBLE. And I just ate some McDonald's fries and would like to keep them down, so I'm gonna move on and not think of that remake anymore if that's okay...)

*clears throat* What better tribute than to talk about the weapon that is as famous as the killer who wears it? I can't think of a reason not to add to the list of Wicked Weapons the Freddy Krueger Claw. If the Chainsaw is the rockstar of the horror weapons world, the Claw Freddy Krueger wears is a movie star. Two different, but equally awesome things. And when I say movie star, I mean it's a big time star. The Brad Pitt of weapons! It's the most recognizable weapon in horror history. It's flashy and has loads of style. When you see it, you know what it is, who it belongs to, and that you're in for a ride. You know the signature of this weapon is going to be gruesome, bloody, and leave a trail of slashes in it's wake.

The Claw itself is iconic, and carries it's own story. Like Sweeney Todd's razor, there is an intimacy with Freddy's Claw. Sure, other movies use weapons in the same vain, but Freddy's Claw is different. It's not as generic for one thing. Freddy's Claw is homemade, which gives it that rustic, slapped-together look. Someone took the time to create it's sharp blades, and set them into the frame of the glove. It also has a feral quality reminiscent of animal claws. Ever see a bears paw? Those claws can swipe the troll face off of any man!

So to put it simply Freddy's Claw is animalistic, intimate, brutal and personal all in one.

There is also the otherworldly component. Freddy is a supernatural creature. While he's not the first supernatural killer in the biz, he sure is a king of the nightmare realm. Freddy, and his Claw, live on beyond the realm of flesh. The Claw is made to be nightmare fuel. Freddy made it while he was alive to stalk and kill his prey, but it carried over with him once he died. The thing that makes Freddy so frightening is that he is a character that pushes those boundaries. Unlike some of the stalkers of other slasher films, Freddy reaches into the personal terror of our dreams with those rusty, dagger fingertips. He grabs a hold of more than just our lives, and toys with our subconscious. Freddy's Claw is an extension of his twisted will, carving it's mark on us until all that is left is a puddle of bloody chunks.

Sometimes, the last thing a person sees is the claw.

There is also another component to the Freddy Claw that makes it special and adds to the mental manipulation Freddy is fond of using: The sound it makes. You can hear him play with it on metal pipes before he comes for you, or hear it scratch down a wall like a calk board. Freddy loves to make you twitch before he kills you. He feeds on fear. So if he can draw out your suffering, he will. The claw helps him do that.  More often than not you'll hear it before you see it, accompanied by a wicked laugh from the man himself.

Usually at this point I show you different films and series that showcase the weapon in question, but since this is a weapon unique to one series, I thought I'd show you in pictures the difference between the different versions of the Freddy Claw, so we can have a lively debate! Sound fun? AWESOME! Then we can all bitch that Robert Englund is the best Krueger and the remake is a shit sandwich with stinky cheese that smells like my husbands feet! YAY!


Here we got the regular "old school" Freddy Claw, which held up through most of the series in this style and shape:

Then we got an extra crispy version in Wes Craven's New Nightmare (which I'd like to add, I really liked. The movie had interesting layers and depth to it.):

Then we got the DC version. But he has the double claws in the game and he's the NEW Freddy from the crappy remake! (To make up for how bad the film was right? Two claws will make it better right DC?):

And then we got Wolverine! They could be cousins right?

Okay so maybe not...moving on...

So what's your favourite Claw? I'm old school all the way, though I do think a close second is the organic-looking claw. There's just something neat about the bone look. But double claws is stupid. Only Wolverine pulls off the two claws.

And in closing, I'd like to say, watching Freddy VS Jason was and still is one of the most awesome things I have ever experienced.

Who won? We did my friends. We the fans did.

Kweeny Reviews...

Why are bad movies so awesome? Why do some of us flock to them in droves like crack addicts looking for our fix? I think it's because we, the fans of terrible films, see the genuine love the people in these films put out despite the complete failures these movies are. And we can laugh, and love the films for it.

I just finished watching a documentary called Best Worst Movie, and now I wanna get my hands on a copy of Troll 2. If a movie that bad can make people love it that much, there has to be something special about it. This documentary though is about the people who love the film and who made the film. Some of the scenes are really touching. Like how the cast, most of which never made movies before and half of which never made another film, get a surprise when they realize their crappy, independently-made film has become a cult success. One day when they are all older and have moved on in their lives, they catch on to the fact their terrible film is being shown all over the world! Think the Rocky Horror phenomenon but with a more horrible movie! No sweet transvestites here! No Tim Curry in fishnets! (even though I love any chance to see Tim Curry in fishnets...)

I had a lot of fun watching this, and now I want to subject Mad Jester to an "Aaaarg My Fucking Eyes!" night of Troll 2! Yeah if you are reading this Jester, this is gonna beat out your Hard Rock Zombies! *cackles madly*

Anyhow, it's a fascinating documentary with a lot of heart. It shows the love horror fans, and bad movie fans have for what they love. That we are a special breed of fandom. For me personally, anything horror floats my boat. Sometimes I want a prime rib steak. Sometimes though, I want the crappiest junk food out there. Bad horror is my junk food. And there is something beautiful about that first bite of a chocolate bar when you've had a shitty day.

Kweeny Loves Ya!

Just wanting to pop in and wish all my readers a happy New Year! 2011 kicked a lot of people's asses, but next year is bound to be better. It has to be, I demand it! Lots of good things to look forward to, like this little gem that gave me a big fat girl boner:

Have a good time guys, and I'll be back with more of my madness in the new year. Thank you readers for sticking by me so far, and for all your awesome comments and support. I'm so glad my little blog has brought entertainment and joy to folks. We horror geeks gotta stick together.

See you all next year!